So much work yet to do on myself

[LilMe]

I have learned so much about BPD and myself since a friend gave me the Eggshells book and I found this site a few years back.  But I daily realize how far I still have to go. :'(

UBPDh's daughter who lived with us ran away and got married when she turned 18 and has been gone for 8 months now.  I finally got around to cleaning up the computer she used so the younger children can use it and found a letter she wrote for dh to read after she was gone.  The letter was not totally awful, but let him know how controlling and hurtful he is.  She was definitely showing BPD traits before she left and has painted him black.

What made me realize I still need to work on myself - I actually thought he might take some of her letter to heart and even thought he might want to do things differently with our 3 younger children.  After his reaction to the letter, I realized I tend to not fully comprehend that he is ill and even stupidly think he will react like a normal person!  He said that his other 2 wives said the same things and that they were the problem, not him.  Sigh.  What really gets me is that I thought his reaction would be different!  And that I thought it went well because he didn't dysregulate (yet).

He also said he is happy it turned out this way.  He can now just imagine she is off having a great life and that if they had contact she might have problems that he would have to hear about.  He also said that it is not normal to continue to have relationships with extended family and children after they are grown and gone.  Ugh!  I pointed out that most of my happy childhood memories are time spent with my grandparents/aunts/uncles/family friends.  Then he said it was too bad we didn't have any of those to spend time with, but we do!  He just won't allow any relationships outside our nuclear family even though they beg to spend time with us!  Thank goodness I have worked the lessons and was able to stay calm and keep my mouth shut.  And that sucks too!

This is mostly just kind of a vent since you all surely know how I feel.  So how are things going with you all?  Do you ever get it all figured out with yourself?  I have a hard time accepting that the rest of my life will have to be like this.

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[waverider]

I have learned so much about BPD and myself since a friend gave me the Eggshells book and I found this site a few years back.  But I daily realize how far I still have to go. :'(

UBPDh's daughter who lived with us ran away and got married when she turned 18 and has been gone for 8 months now.  I finally got around to cleaning up the computer she used so the younger children can use it and found a letter she wrote for dh to read after she was gone.  The letter was not totally awful, but let him know how controlling and hurtful he is.  She was definitely showing BPD traits before she left and has painted him black.

What made me realize I still need to work on myself - I actually thought he might take some of her letter to heart and even thought he might want to do things differently with our 3 younger children.  After his reaction to the letter, I realized I tend to not fully comprehend that he is ill and even stupidly think he will react like a normal person!  He said that his other 2 wives said the same things and that they were the problem, not him.  Sigh.  What really gets me is that I thought his reaction would be different!  And that I thought it went well because he didn't dysregulate (yet).

He also said he is happy it turned out this way.  He can now just imagine she is off having a great life and that if they had contact she might have problems that he would have to hear about.  He also said that it is not normal to continue to have relationships with extended family and children after they are grown and gone.  Ugh!  I pointed out that most of my happy childhood memories are time spent with my grandparents/aunts/uncles/family friends.  Then he said it was too bad we didn't have any of those to spend time with, but we do!  He just won't allow any relationships outside our nuclear family even though they beg to spend time with us!  Thank goodness I have worked the lessons and was able to stay calm and keep my mouth shut.  And that sucks too!

This is mostly just kind of a vent since you all surely know how I feel.  So how are things going with you all?  Do you ever get it all figured out with yourself?  I have a hard time accepting that the rest of my life will have to be like this.

When my partner starts with this distorted view of normality I compare it to thinking she is trying to convince me the moon is made of cheese. I just dont take it on board, and find it interesting to listen to her twisted logic. But I have no need to bite my tongue as i have no desire to correct her, so it doesn't cause me a problem. I dont stress trying to figure out her logic as it just is... Doesn't affect mine, and I dont feel the need to sell my reality

[LilMe]

Yes, Waverider!  When he is talking crazy about me or something random, I can handle it.  Sometimes it is even hard not to giggle!  Where I get hung up is when it is about the children.  Like when he says that our son 6 writes his letters or numbers backwards on purpose to be mean!  I guess I hang on to hope that our younger children will not be hurt or damaged.

Last night he told me that since his daughter 18 didn't mail him the letter, she didn't really mean for him to see it, so it doesn't mean anything.  I know he is hurt and really down about it so this is just how he is dealing with it.

[waverider]

Yes, Waverider!  When he is talking crazy about me or something random, I can handle it.  Sometimes it is even hard not to giggle!  Where I get hung up is when it is about the children.  Like when he says that our son 6 writes his letters or numbers backwards on purpose to be mean!  I guess I hang on to hope that our younger children will not be hurt or damaged.

Last night he told me that since his daughter 18 didn't mail him the letter, she didn't really mean for him to see it, so it doesn't mean anything.  I know he is hurt and really down about it so this is just how he is dealing with it.

Once the kids get drawn it gets hard, but it also become an easy to use trigger to draw you in. So you need strong boundaries and resist interacting in the drama, otherwise it becomes your Achilles heel.