My mother and my x are the same...

[going places]

I was typing an email to an old friend when I just had an ahh haa moment.

My MOTHER and my Ex are the same... .

MY MOTHER after years of abuse, and neglect finally pushed me to NC.

At first it was limited contact w/ my kids... .and after she pulled a BS stunt, I told her NO you may NOT.

My mom PUSHED to have a relationship w/ my kids BUT ignore me.

MY EX is doing the exact same thing.

THAT was the trigger that set me off this week.

PRAISE THE LORD I know what it is... .I know what the trigger is!

IT HURTS that your own mother doesn't care, doesn't love you, doesn't want to have a relationship with you BUT wants to openly ignore you while playing nicey nice with the kids?

I used to cry myself to sleep (to the ex) about how much this hurt and HE IS DOING THE EXACT SAME THING.

I mean the email he sent me 2 days ago, was worded EXACTLY like an email my mom sent to me years ago... .

NOW, now that I know this... .I need to learn how to cope / deal with / eliminate this trigger.

I am so thankful, grateful thankful that I KNOW what and why this trigger sends me.

I just want to know how to stop it / elminate it!

[Dutched]

I just want to know how to stop it / elminate it!

I could try to comfort you by saying don’t beat yourself up, give it time, etc, but I won’t. Other members are better in expressing.

What I can say, reading posts of you, you are 1 yr post break up after 25 yrs. marriage (over here it was 30+yrs). So 1 yr out is very fresh after a r/s that was so intense as we had! (saying is 1 month for every yr to rebalance, imagine with the kind of r/s we had…)

You grew older together, build a future, having kids, a house, etc. A lifetime passed!

Now at an age (I am mid 50) in which a certain consolidation of life becomes prudent (kids studying, leaving, becoming grandparents, retirement, etc.) and reclaiming as a couple more time together then all is in a blink of an eye over.

The family bond AND history of “we” is gone, kids are devastated and need themselves on average 3 yr to heal and adapt! Live long kids suffer consequences (no, despite all reassuring words of others, they are NOT more “flexible” than we are).

So, gone are family traditions, Christmas, birthdays, routines and habits. No more shopping together and taking a relaxed coffee break on a terrace.

We have had expectations and dreams, together with the ex, were confident and full of trust. Even so much trust in the r/s, despite the dynamics(!) that it would sustain time as it did all these decades before.

Next what plays a significant role is our deep believe, our values, our commitment (also towards the kids) and even our old fashioned wedding vow, to which we ‘devoted’ our life.

But wait a minute!   

Suddenly all meant nothing to ex, an ex that shared our believes and our live for decades?

An ex cold as ice, not willing to face consequences for even the kids, crossing every normal accepted border, going NC because of their deep, very deep rooted shame, as ‘they’ know very well know what ‘they’ did, but denying in order to avoid there own pain!

Excusing themselves “I had to do it as I couldn’t face it any longer”.  That is devastating beyond any believe!

You mention your mother. Even common among psychologists is the believe that one attracts a partner that is familiar with ones FOO.

So we fix, take care (first we see it as a natural care, then we also learn to tack in the wind to avoid upheaval for the sake of family peace. Took it with us in the r/s and subsequently took over that role again.

After I moved out, obviously a distance grew between me and my mother (my father died yrs. earlier). Also soon the awareness to set my limits, to see the subtle movements mother made and the way I reacted now and before. 

However, after we left a role behind, we were subconscious drawn into another vortex.

Now I am going to say it anyway   don’t beat yourself up,    it was half of your life that you lost!

There a only a few on this Board after a very long r/s (10% only lasted longer than 20yrs!)

We certainly did a good job!  That reaches far beyond any individual “growth”!

Sometimes I ‘wished’ being here at an age of 25-30 after 1-4 yrs. r/s, no kids, etc. with many, many years of a good 2nd change ahead (not dismissing any of the devastating pain we all feel).

You are here wondering how to stop ‘it’, when it is over.

The trigger will get less, I am a few yrs further down that road.

Find your own willpower again (you know the one that took your through these decades…), grab it, hold it and mix it with the same commitment that made you strong all these yrs. (you never gave up did you? – maybe thought about it, but never did- ).

Add a technique like the 2 minute rule (setting yourself a limit of 2 min. thoughts when triggered, or ruminate about, then stop yourself by distracting your mind with an activity (making yourself a coffee is enough)

Now stir, not shake…, willpower, commitment, coffee and enjoy it intense, really intense in order to reward yourself with such a fine treatment.

Having done so ask yourself was ‘that’ worthy enough for my emotions? Didn’t it came from a disordered person, so what else to expect? 

This stirred mix (not shaken!) will influence the brain as it needs time to process and store memories. Feeding it immediately with a feeling of comfort will overrule more negative thoughts.


It might be that our logical mind is completely in balance, however history/memories can’t be stopped.

That’s where the emotional part pops up again and again as we were unwillingly and in a devastated way forced to alter any of our believes and future on this age. What time is left…  for what kind of r/s.

Sorry, much longer than I expected.  I hope you enjoy the mix!


Years ago there was an active member named LIVIA, she wrote:

"They take with no conscience, and leave with no remorse as an emotional 4 year old” -Livia

[going places]

Dutched?

Brilliant. Simply, brilliant.

Thank you!

[Dutched]

You’re welcome!

Maybe it’s coincidence drinking my own mix today after what I’ve seen! 

Followed your story a bit in which that man hooks a 25 yr. old. Well maybe that was all he could get?

Here an early 50 she that degenerated in falling for a 65 yrs old great grandpa with tattoos, living in a small camper for several yrs. then fled from UK, coming over here.

Devoting her life as a nurse with a purse and for cold nights under her roof. Maybe all that she could get?

Anyway, I took several mixed drinks… as I spoiled most of them because of my laughter…   

I predicted her where she would end up, the type of guy, her degeneration (refused to accept treatment a few yrs. before the end), etc.

It all and more became reality for her (despite the make believes of the wonderful life) 

Today’s laugh triggers were only caused by a friend (of which ex doesn’t know we are friend, long story) who felt out of his chair by seeing this.

Normally attending a wedding one dresses appropriate with decent and stylish cloths.

Now imagine a group photo showing several people in their midlife posing, wearing really nice dresses (ca. knee length), men appropriate in suite with ties, all classy.

Suddenly ones eye see a woman at the front row, fully exposed, in a frumpy summer dress, length less than half of her thighs (not yet mini), wearing not matching shoes, shoes that would be comfortable for a old woman.

Even seemed ‘forgotten’ to dye her hair…

Must be nice for a soother grandpa to see his nurse in high thighs, walking around as an 18 yr. old.

The other eye see the soother grandpa, no jacket, no tie, just a blouse hanging over his pants. 

The contrast couldn’t be bigger with the rest of the group!

A total downgrade, but perfectly matching each other.

Now also imagine a woman I used to know, wearing modern stylish and more upper market cloths, decent  dressed attending occasions. And yes of course, as we all do in and around the house, wearing also comfy old cloths .

Predicted, the downfall, the degeneration, the downgrade, no sense of self, the chameleon.

I think, I’ll take a mix... ., stirred…