I am so tired of these outbursts that seem to come out of nowhere

[Our abuse recovery guide]

All these out bursts are wearing me thin, as sad as they make me, I also feel like my dad considers me weak when I just walk away. I feel weak when I let all these people in my life just harass me. And then I hate myself, until I numb myself down enough not to care. Not through drugs or alcohol. I can just force my brain to turn off, kind of like meditation, but not in a positive way. Like if I can just go deep enough into myself I'll finally find a place where I can't be hurt any more. Does this ring a bell with anyone else.

[sunflowerhope]

All these out bursts are wearing me thin, as sad as they make me, I also feel like my dad considers me weak when I just walk away. I feel weak when I let all these people in my life just harass me. And then I hate myself, until I numb myself down enough not to care. Not through drugs or alcohol. I can just force my brain to turn off, kind of like meditation, but not in a positive way. Like if I can just go deep enough into myself I'll finally find a place where I can't be hurt any more. Does this ring a bell with anyone else.

[Turkish]

Hello sunflowerhope,

Who's having these outbursts that are wearing you thin? It's certainly sad when a parent who should support us belittles us. Dad's should be a rock to their kids. Can you tell us more about your situation?

Turkish

[HappyChappy]

Does this ring a bell with anyone else.

Yes, lots of bells. The fact you’ve found a natural emotional anaesthetic suggests an inner strength. If you’ve survived a BPD parent that also is something to be proud off. Welcome to the website. People here are genuinely interested in helping each other, so  feel free to expand on what wears you down or comment on other threads. 

[sunflowerhope]

Thanks, I'm much better today. It just really helps not being alone.

[AloneAtLast]

Sure would like to know more about your dad because your story and feelings sound a lot like mine.

[sunflowerhope]

Lol, tried to stay late enough that dad would be asleep by the time I got home, but he's still up and not saying a word to me. Oddly enough I rather like silent treatment, like it gives me a chance for my batteries to recharge.