Trying to figure it out

[Greenkangaroo]

Hello! I am new and wanted to introduce myself. I am 40 years old and started therapy recently for the first time. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, but never sought therapy because it was looked down upon in my house growing up. With the support of my husband, I started therapy last month. After a few sessions, my therapist suggested that my mom had BPD. After much reading, including the book Understanding the Borderline Mother, I realized that my mom closely resembles the Queen. Her major forms of abuse growing up were manipulation, emotional blackmail, pretending to be a martyr and controlling everything from when I was able to get a driver's license to where I went to college. My thoughts and ideas always had to mirror hers. If she felt slighted in any way, she would rage and then often give the person the silent treatment until they saw the 'error of their ways'. When I finally was able to move two states away at 23, she didn't talk to me for a year and wouldn't let me bring anything that wouldn't fit in my car. I slept on the floor for a year in my little apartment, but at least I was free (or so I thought).  The thing is, after all these years and distance, she is still able to affect me. My therapist says that I was so enmeshed with my mom that I need to learn to live without her, not just physically, but mentally. He says she is still on my shoulder and I am still listening to her and not to my own thoughts and values. How do you break that? How do I stop the guilt, the anxiety, the constant thought that I'm doing something wrong? I've done my best to limit contact with her, but I am going to see her on Saturday for the fourth of July. I'm sitting here, crying, thinking of how I'm going to face her now that I realize what my childhood was really like and why she is the way she is. I'm so glad I found this board for support!

[Kwamina]

Hi Greenkangaroo

I've done my best to limit contact with her, but I am going to see her on Saturday for the fourth of July. I'm sitting here, crying, thinking of how I'm going to face her now that I realize what my childhood was really like and why she is the way she is. I'm so glad I found this board for support!

I too am very glad you found us! Many children of a BPD parent find themselves struggling with depression and anxiety in their adult lives. It's good that you have the support of a therapist to help you through this and also have a very supportive husband How are you feeling now after you've got your story out here?

The thing is, after all these years and distance, she is still able to affect me. My therapist says that I was so enmeshed with my mom that I need to learn to live without her, not just physically, but mentally. He says she is still on my shoulder and I am still listening to her and not to my own thoughts and values. How do you break that? How do I stop the guilt, the anxiety, the constant thought that I'm doing something wrong?

It sounds like you might have internalized your mother's negative and critical voice. Now even when she isn't around you hear a inner critic, would you say this is an accurate assessment? We have a thread here about automatic negative thoughts and talking back to the inner critic. I think it might be helpful for you to take a look at it:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

[P.F.Change]

Welcome Greenkangaroo!

I remember feeling overwhelmed when I first found out about BPD. It is a normal response during the breakthrough crisis. You can click on that stage in the Survivor's Guide over in the right margin to find out more. You will also see from the guide that recovery and healing from an upbringing like ours is not immediate but does happen in predictable stages (Remembering, Mourning, Healing). You don't have to worry about finishing it all at once, only on where you are at a given moment. As you continue to work in therapy, you will start to be able to hear and honor your own voice and see the progress you have already made. Even though the first step is the breakthrough crisis, it is a big one and you have already come a long way to get there. So congratulations on that!

What worries you most about seeing your mother this weekend?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[happykiwi]

Bless you.  Your post is so familiar to my story.  I started my journey in April when Mother visited me after we moved to different state and I hadn't seen her for about 8 months. But for the last few years I started to dislike being around her.  On the way to pick her up from the airport I actually felt ill.  Like I wanted to run away.  I now realise it was my body kicking into flight/fight.

Over the next few days I saw her for what she was and it was hideous.  Toxic, poisonous and unbearable to be around.  I thought I was going mad.  Until I googled Why do I hate my Mum?  and found this site.  It literally saved me from going bonkers!

Once I realised what she was and what she had done to me the emotions that came forth were tremendous in volume.  First I was in disbelief, then so so sad then came the anger.  Oh the anger felt so good.  Unusual for me as I don't do anger, of course now I know why.  I wasn't allowed growing up to ever feel or express anger that was a bad thing and would trigger her.

You need to heal and that will involve some very intense emotions.  Let them come, acknowledge the feelings and accept them.  Then gently tell yourself it's ok to feel this and then let them go. 

Then be prepared for flashbacks to times you had forgotten about.  Times that make the childhood abuse very real and will help you to set boundaries or in my case, they helped me go no contact.

You are not alone and you are a wonderful beautiful human being that deserves unconditional love from your mother.  I'm sorry you didn't get that.  Let the truth out and start living as the true you

[Greenkangaroo]

Thank you for the warm welcome! It is true that I hear my mother's voice, even when she isn't around. This voice is what makes me 'cut and run' at the first sign of conflict or emotional overload. I'm working on this in therapy. My mom has ramped up the past several weeks. She likes to tell me how I'm raising my son wrong, and she's also beginning to guilt him saying he doesn't have to talk on the phone to her because he doesn't have to love Grandmom. He's four! Sometimes he'd rather play than talk on the phone. Why does she have to try to guilt him? I'm just worried about what she might say and my reaction because I'm not emotionally strong right now. My entire extended family will be there for the holiday and I don't want to start anything, especially since they tend to protect her and are in denial. Any ideas on how to cope when I'm already in a weak emotional state?

[sunflowerhope]

There are no easy answers when dealing with loved ones who have BPD. Sometimes you just have to pick the lesser evils. I've found that I often have the Disney Alice in Wonderland problem. I give myself very good advice, but very seldom follow it. So I would recommend imagining a friend coming to you with this problem, describing it to you as you did to us. What would you tell them?

[Greenkangaroo]

Interesting idea. I guess if a friend came to me I would tell them that it's a party, spend as little time with her as possible. Walk away if you need to and try not to stay longer than you are comfortable staying. I can do that and just hope that there will be enough people around to tame her crazy. Is it normal for the beginning of therapy to deal with a BPD parent to cause a heightened sense of emotions? I just feel on overload right now.

[sunflowerhope]

Well not only are you dealing with events and feelings that are occurring right now, but also the events and feelings of the past. With that much to contend with feeling a bit raw and churned up seems natural. Just remember you can't control anyone's actions but your own, and don't forget to breathe.

[happykiwi]

And be kind to yourself.  Pamper yourself with a massage or do one of your most favourite things.

Look after yourself at this time.  And remember to breathe is excellent advice.  When you feel yourself all uptight and in knots, slow down and take some very slow deep breaths.  You will be amazed at just by changing your breathing and widening your diaphram can calm and soothe.