Manipulation

[Corpal74]

I am so very tired of dealing with my moms lies. Her crazy wild temper isn't nearly as frustration as her mind games and manipulation.

She lies to me all the time about everything not even making sense because she changes her story all the time, she knows it.

She manipulates with balls! Her lies are so believable to people because she really does have balls. She goes crazy violent and phones the police on the person and her stories are so crazy that people always believe her.

I've been wondering how she had any friends or apublic life. Well she lies about everything. She has fake empathy, fake confessions to seem relatable. Everytime I get tired of it and call her on it she will go I only hit you once and you completely lost control! Are you kidding me! All the times I didnt even know she was home from work and she snuck up on me and attacked me, tried to drown me. I've made my peace with that, i just can't make my peace with her manipulating everyone right in front of me and looking at me like right cor.

All the family that had been around, knows. But family we see very little I feel like it needs to almost be me or her because I don't want to sit there and call her a liar and cause division between her and her family, but I hate being envolved in all hey lies.

This situation someone may be at risk over it. Why did she hey me involved and she wants me to keep her plan a secret to get my sister back. Yet she is lieing to social services.

I am experiencing alot of health problems, concentration, memory, fogginess from chemo, i dont feel like fighting her on it but why the heck did she get me involved? I'm the one that reported her for her violence! Her boyfriend spitting blood in my sisters face and pulling her hair out, how can I ignore these things. My mom now says, i admit maybe he should have stopped.

She had my grandma down right now and it's like she is using her because my grandma is one of the only people that doesn't know, my mom hates my grandma. I'm supposed to spend the day with my grandma tomorrow and she keeps sticking up for my mom. I really don't want to be in this situation to say everything that is coming out of her mouth is a lie and put avwedge between their newly bandaided relationship. She is manipulating quite a few people and wierdly she had invited me to those social gatherings!

It is so hard to sit back and watch someone lie their face off. But it isn't my job to babysit my mom, I'm a struggling single mom who just got over cancer. She wants me to hide it from my older sister who is more black and white who calls it like it is. My sister would be so mad if I keep this from her, she would also get involved, hence I would betray my mom and deal with serious harassment, on the other hand my sister is going to be so mad at me for not telling her. My little sisters dad doesnt even know she is at my moms.

Anyway how do other peopke deal with someone who wont stop lying and manipukating? Its hard to heal from abuse when she always brings it up and twists it... even trying to make herself sound like a hero.

If she was like that all the time id say shes a psycho... she is so crazy. Yet the... for lack  of a better word... .sane side keeps me around

[Kwamina]

Hi Corpal74,

I am sorry to hear that you are also dealing with your own health problems. I hope your health situation will continue to improve.

Your mother's behavior is quite frustrating indeed. The way you describe what's going on causes me some concern since you say someone might be at risk. This is about what's been done to your little sister am I correct? Do you feel that she is safe now?

The lies and twisting of abuse are very unpleasant. To me it seems this behavior crosses certain boundaries you have. Perhaps it will help you to take a look at some resources to help you assert yourself and set and enforce some more firm boundaries with your mother:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

The acronym D.E.A.R.M.A.N. stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindfully (keep your focus), Apear (confident) and Negotiate:

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

... .

The key to acquire the skill for DEARMAN lies NOT in following the letters. It lies in learning the underlying skills and practicing them well enough to then being able to steer a conversation through DEARMAN. When looking at DEARMAN it is clear that we are to express needs for change.

... .

DEARMAN is valuable skill that at its very core boils down to:

We have a right to ask for change - the other side may or may not agree, that is fine too.

When owning up to our requests, staying respectful and focused on what we want we improve our chances for affecting change.

[Klo]

I no longer talk with my mother about the past, or about anything super meaningful. I try to keep almost all conversations very light and breezy. I have learned to let people teach me about themselves and to face facts, and the facts are that my mother cannot be trusted to 'be real' with me, especially during emotionally vulnerable topics. I no longer turn to her for validation, I do not expect it from her and accept that she unable to provide validation. Accepting this and not taking her words seriously has been a massive help to my mental health in this regard. I cannot make her admit to anything, but I can protect myself. So my advice would be to focus on shielding yourself emotionally and mentally around her. Remember that you do not need her validation in order for your truths to be your truths. You know what you have experienced and you know deep down the truth. This will always be the case whether she validates it or not.

[Corpal74]

Thank you very much for your replies. Kwamina yes i am concerned about what has happened to my sister, the problem is I've reported it, told her dad, and even talked to the police about charges, than after that i get so many different versions of the story. Anyway i dont know what goes on there in that household. I just know my mom. The thing is when I moved out at 16 and my sister was about 5 i told my concerns to the ministry and phoned her dad... .than I left it alone until my sister came to me telling me about violence... .about 6 years later so i phoned her dad, than recently my sister told me about the incident i wrote about and i talked to the police, her dad, and the ministry. So i think I've done everything i can. There is alot that i dont really understand because my sister has been getting in serious trouble lately but that is another story... .

My sister is still at my moms but at least she's not hiding it anymore, my mom told ti's dad and the social services... basically she didn't get placed with her dad so they can't enforce it... .

Klo i agree with you, and I actually do that myself. This isn't about validation. She brings it up herself. When she twists things that were so traumatic and makes herself seem like a hero it really causes alot of stress. Just trying to keep up with her new lows. I actually mean phoning the police on someone after she attacks them, or this time she went to social services and phoning the police on ti. So im talkimg about more when it comes to life a bigger sense of manipulation often in some sort of scheme. If we ever had marks and had blood shot eyes and the police come its i dont know what's wrong with my child she's on drugs... that was the past, and she is not as angry and violent as she was than but i try to keep an eye on my sister.

The frustrating thing about it is my sister wants to live with my mom... thats why I try not to get involved... .but my mom put me in a position to turn a blind eye... .which is different. I guess i have alot of anxiety right now, sadly not just about my mom. So it all gets frustrating. It's like she is the last thing I need to deal with... .yet there is always something with her... .

Its sad because most people tell me to not worry about it... but my sister does not need to go through what I did when all it takes is for people to stick up for her... .Police and social workers do not take teens seriously.

[SunshinePuzzle]

Hey Corpoal,

I am brand new here and feel like I'm just starting to figure this all out myself this year, so I don't have a lot of great advice yet but I wanted to say that your post struck me. I can so relate to the manipulation and lies. My mother is also a master manipulator. Even as adults, my mother has been able to manipulate us into attacking each other at times. It blows my mind.

I feel for you and what you are dealing with, especially compounded with your own health problems. Hugs.

I no longer talk with my mother about the past, or about anything super meaningful. I try to keep almost all conversations very light and breezy. I have learned to let people teach me about themselves and to face facts, and the facts are that my mother cannot be trusted to 'be real' with me, especially during emotionally vulnerable topics. I no longer turn to her for validation, I do not expect it from her and accept that she unable to provide validation. Accepting this and not taking her words seriously has been a massive help to my mental health in this regard. I cannot make her admit to anything, but I can protect myself. So my advice would be to focus on shielding yourself emotionally and mentally around her. Remember that you do not need her validation in order for your truths to be your truths. You know what you have experienced and you know deep down the truth. This will always be the case whether she validates it or not.

THANK YOU THANK YOU for this advice, Klo.