I hope this is the end of the ROAD... i want my life back

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello

my husband fits all the symptoms of BPD

He is a compulsive liar, he hides things because he lives in fear of his actions, he is plagued by guilt and he always blame his actions to somebody else... he is not able to take responsibility for what he does  , he has fear of abandonment and he has been involved with substance abuse as he works in the music industry. he also becomes aggressive when he is scared that the truth will come out... .

his previous partner left him after years of him cheating and lying about things... then he pursued her again by writing love letters to her and asked her to have a child together ( i guess in order to keep her ) .during the pregnancy he was seeking for other women... ( i had a volatile relationship with him during his time apart from his ex girlfriend ) the moment he realised he couldn't cope with being a father, he started a relationship with me again, telling me that he fell madly in love with me and his relationship with his girlfriend was over.

i did believe him and within 6 months we were married, even if he didn't tell anybody in his family about the marriage. and his justification was that his family was going to hate me as in his eyes i broke down the marriage. i have been blamed for it several times... for the fact that he has left the family because he fell madly in love with me... .

after a year and half in our marriage i fell pregnant and he forced me to have an abortion ( because his ex partner mother of his child was receiving chemotherapy and he said to me that he couldn't possibly cause her more pain as apparently she asked him previously when they split up not to have any other kid as she would have not been happy about it )

he promised me in order for me to proceed with the abortion that he would do anything in his power for me to get pregnant... .little did i know that actually right after the abortion he went for a vasectomy. he saw me month after month crying my eyes out and he was very guilty about it, but never admitted the truth... he kept telling me that he didn't want to delay this for me and he didn't want to take this away from me even if in reality he already did.

8 months ago i called him in tears whilst he was working abroad and i said to him that he needed to freeze his sperm... .

and that triggered in his head ,that he needed to get out of the relationship as he didn't have the courage to tell me what he did, so he engaged in a sexual relationship with a girl that he met on a business trip and he also employed her as an assistant to take her with him during his weeks away for work.

i found some messages on his phone and when confronted he kept lying to me, telling me that there was nothing going on... and that he loved me and he didn't want to lose me, and he was scared of what his life would have been without me... .and that he was going to fix the problem and we were going to be fine, when in reality he didn't do anything about it at all as he is in total denial and doesn't want to admit that he has a problem that he needs to address... .

last week i found some incriminating messages on his phone about the adultery, and we got into a fight where he was absolutely petrified that i was going to ruin his career and he got really angry to the point that he threatened me with a knife... .i knew he was not going to use it against me, however he cut himself on the hand, i think as a cry for attention... .and all the time when i said i was going to call this girl to get an answer he got really aggressive... .

i went to the police to make a statement about what happened and that day he was flying out for work and he got arrested from the plane and put in a cell for few hours... then they let him go, but he called me in a flood of tears, asking explanation about what i did, and if i realised what they did to him when he was in the cell... .

i told him i didn't do it deliberately whilst all the things that he did to me were actually deliberate to hurt me... .

he finally has admitted that he has a problem, and decided he was going to talk to a therapist... .he called me constantly in flood of tears saying that he doesn't know why he does this, and that he realised that he lost me forever ... .and asking if there is a way if he gets better if we can be together... .i really cared incredibly for him and did love him despite everything he has done to me as i know now for a fact  he has an illness and what i think he did deliberately was actually not intentional... .i really wanted him to get better... .i know he could have ... but he didn' t seem to be able to take any step in order to make this change.

All of this is so irrational... .after all of this has happened there have been few recycles.

he fired the assistant,but kept in constant touch with her despite i repeatdly asked to remove her from Facebook and instagram... .he kept pushing and me pulling me, telling me that he loved me so much and he was so grateful i was giving him another opportunity and he was going to fix things... .then blaming me for being cold towards him... .( sorry if i can't be a bundle of joy! )... .I told him that my boundaries to even consider continuing with the relationship was for me to be able to have a baby ( i have also told him that i would have been ok to use sperm donor so he would not have anything to do with it )  and if he was going to seek professional help... .obviously he promised and promised and promised, but behind my back he was still trying to pursue this other girl ( that apparently he fell in love with ) and telling me that he loved me and he was not going to hide anything from me ever again.

one evening i was in germany for work and he was supposed to come and pick me up the day after, i asked him to call me after he got home from work and he said his phone was not working, and he might be going to the pub ,but yes that he would call me, and instead he didn't, i managed to speak to him only over 24 hours later as he flown to chicago to see this girl... .i didn't sleep all night with panic attacks as i knew he was up to something... .and when he called eventually i went like " where are you" and his answer was like " where are you?" i went absolutely ballistic... so he put on his victim mask, started crying saying he did a terrible mistake and went to see this girl in the US and i needed to help him and forgive me , that he loved me and he chose me and he just went there to close the relationship because he felt guilty he fired her from the job... .at no point he felt guilty i guess for what he was doing to me, consciously he knew that he was hurting me once again by stepping on that plane... .but still went ahead and did it... then apparently he got scared because this girl according to him is crazy and has bipolar... .anyways fast forward he comes back to pick me up from my business trip and quite obviously i am not exactly jumping around with excitement when i see him , so he goes like " oh this was another mistake" i need to be by myself i need to be on my own... .

we kind of patch up things, and he promises me he will go to see a doctor to reverse his vasectomy, he take an appointment and i schedule an appointment with a fertility clinic for next week, he tells me that he s going to see the doctor and its all good they will send the results within one day, i ask him on monday about it, and he goes like... I need to stop lying to you and to myself... .i didn't go to the doctor and i can't do this... .

bottomline of this all drama is the fact that he is petrified of having another child, it is obvious as he went to extreme lengths to avoid it... but kept promising it to me... .i guess to keep hold of me... in the meantime keeping his options open with the girl he had the affair with ... .

i told him that regardless of how the relationship was going to end he needed professional help... .and that nobody was going to tell him that, that the only person that cared about him enough to tell him the truth was me, and then he started crying and saying to stop it and to leave him alone... .

so lies after lies after lies, he now has left and i told him i was going to prepare the divorce papers, it has been two days and he has not called, however we are emailing for work reasons.

i really would like to cut all contacts but i would lose financially because of our jobs, if i decide to give him up as a client, and i just bought a new house and i can't really afford to do that... however i don't think it is the healthiest of situations as all the times when i see an email popping up i have a glimmer of hope that he will see the light but i realise now it is not possible... so why am i still hoping? am i so delusional?

any insight would be greatly appreciated,sorry for the long boring post... .i feel like i am the crazy one in all of this mess! the past 8 years have been such an emotional roller coaster i don't know if i am able to get off in one piece... !

[scarletviolet]

Hello

my husband fits all the symptoms of BPD

He is a compulsive liar, he hides things because he lives in fear of his actions, he is plagued by guilt and he always blame his actions to somebody else... he is not able to take responsibility for what he does  , he has fear of abandonment and he has been involved with substance abuse as he works in the music industry. he also becomes aggressive when he is scared that the truth will come out... .

his previous partner left him after years of him cheating and lying about things... then he pursued her again by writing love letters to her and asked her to have a child together ( i guess in order to keep her ) .during the pregnancy he was seeking for other women... ( i had a volatile relationship with him during his time apart from his ex girlfriend ) the moment he realised he couldn't cope with being a father, he started a relationship with me again, telling me that he fell madly in love with me and his relationship with his girlfriend was over.

i did believe him and within 6 months we were married, even if he didn't tell anybody in his family about the marriage. and his justification was that his family was going to hate me as in his eyes i broke down the marriage. i have been blamed for it several times... for the fact that he has left the family because he fell madly in love with me... .

after a year and half in our marriage i fell pregnant and he forced me to have an abortion ( because his ex partner mother of his child was receiving chemotherapy and he said to me that he couldn't possibly cause her more pain as apparently she asked him previously when they split up not to have any other kid as she would have not been happy about it )

he promised me in order for me to proceed with the abortion that he would do anything in his power for me to get pregnant... .little did i know that actually right after the abortion he went for a vasectomy. he saw me month after month crying my eyes out and he was very guilty about it, but never admitted the truth... he kept telling me that he didn't want to delay this for me and he didn't want to take this away from me even if in reality he already did.

8 months ago i called him in tears whilst he was working abroad and i said to him that he needed to freeze his sperm... .

and that triggered in his head ,that he needed to get out of the relationship as he didn't have the courage to tell me what he did, so he engaged in a sexual relationship with a girl that he met on a business trip and he also employed her as an assistant to take her with him during his weeks away for work.

i found some messages on his phone and when confronted he kept lying to me, telling me that there was nothing going on... and that he loved me and he didn't want to lose me, and he was scared of what his life would have been without me... .and that he was going to fix the problem and we were going to be fine, when in reality he didn't do anything about it at all as he is in total denial and doesn't want to admit that he has a problem that he needs to address... .

last week i found some incriminating messages on his phone about the adultery, and we got into a fight where he was absolutely petrified that i was going to ruin his career and he got really angry to the point that he threatened me with a knife... .i knew he was not going to use it against me, however he cut himself on the hand, i think as a cry for attention... .and all the time when i said i was going to call this girl to get an answer he got really aggressive... .

i went to the police to make a statement about what happened and that day he was flying out for work and he got arrested from the plane and put in a cell for few hours... then they let him go, but he called me in a flood of tears, asking explanation about what i did, and if i realised what they did to him when he was in the cell... .

i told him i didn't do it deliberately whilst all the things that he did to me were actually deliberate to hurt me... .

he finally has admitted that he has a problem, and decided he was going to talk to a therapist... .he called me constantly in flood of tears saying that he doesn't know why he does this, and that he realised that he lost me forever ... .and asking if there is a way if he gets better if we can be together... .i really cared incredibly for him and did love him despite everything he has done to me as i know now for a fact  he has an illness and what i think he did deliberately was actually not intentional... .i really wanted him to get better... .i know he could have ... but he didn' t seem to be able to take any step in order to make this change.

All of this is so irrational... .after all of this has happened there have been few recycles.

he fired the assistant,but kept in constant touch with her despite i repeatdly asked to remove her from Facebook and instagram... .he kept pushing and me pulling me, telling me that he loved me so much and he was so grateful i was giving him another opportunity and he was going to fix things... .then blaming me for being cold towards him... .( sorry if i can't be a bundle of joy! )... .I told him that my boundaries to even consider continuing with the relationship was for me to be able to have a baby ( i have also told him that i would have been ok to use sperm donor so he would not have anything to do with it )  and if he was going to seek professional help... .obviously he promised and promised and promised, but behind my back he was still trying to pursue this other girl ( that apparently he fell in love with ) and telling me that he loved me and he was not going to hide anything from me ever again.

one evening i was in germany for work and he was supposed to come and pick me up the day after, i asked him to call me after he got home from work and he said his phone was not working, and he might be going to the pub ,but yes that he would call me, and instead he didn't, i managed to speak to him only over 24 hours later as he flown to chicago to see this girl... .i didn't sleep all night with panic attacks as i knew he was up to something... .and when he called eventually i went like " where are you" and his answer was like " where are you?" i went absolutely ballistic... so he put on his victim mask, started crying saying he did a terrible mistake and went to see this girl in the US and i needed to help him and forgive me , that he loved me and he chose me and he just went there to close the relationship because he felt guilty he fired her from the job... .at no point he felt guilty i guess for what he was doing to me, consciously he knew that he was hurting me once again by stepping on that plane... .but still went ahead and did it... then apparently he got scared because this girl according to him is crazy and has bipolar... .anyways fast forward he comes back to pick me up from my business trip and quite obviously i am not exactly jumping around with excitement when i see him , so he goes like " oh this was another mistake" i need to be by myself i need to be on my own... .

we kind of patch up things, and he promises me he will go to see a doctor to reverse his vasectomy, he take an appointment and i schedule an appointment with a fertility clinic for next week, he tells me that he s going to see the doctor and its all good they will send the results within one day, i ask him on monday about it, and he goes like... I need to stop lying to you and to myself... .i didn't go to the doctor and i can't do this... .

bottomline of this all drama is the fact that he is petrified of having another child, it is obvious as he went to extreme lengths to avoid it... but kept promising it to me... .i guess to keep hold of me... in the meantime keeping his options open with the girl he had the affair with ... .

i told him that regardless of how the relationship was going to end he needed professional help... .and that nobody was going to tell him that, that the only person that cared about him enough to tell him the truth was me, and then he started crying and saying to stop it and to leave him alone... .

so lies after lies after lies, he now has left and i told him i was going to prepare the divorce papers, it has been two days and he has not called, however we are emailing for work reasons.

i really would like to cut all contacts but i would lose financially because of our jobs, if i decide to give him up as a client, and i just bought a new house and i can't really afford to do that... however i don't think it is the healthiest of situations as all the times when i see an email popping up i have a glimmer of hope that he will see the light but i realise now it is not possible... so why am i still hoping? am i so delusional?

any insight would be greatly appreciated,sorry for the long boring post... .i feel like i am the crazy one in all of this mess! the past 8 years have been such an emotional roller coaster i don't know if i am able to get off in one piece... !

[scarletviolet]

I am struggling so much right now, i have been obsessing all day reading everything in this forum to try and give me strenght no to contact him, but it is so so hard. i don't understand why someone in a right state of mind, after everything that he did to me, would still even consider talking to him... .how can i be so desperate and hoping for a miracle that i know is never going to happen and we are not going to run into the sunset together? i am starting to think i am the crazy one... .i so want him to tell me that we will be fine and he will fix this and we will live happily ever after... .i am completely deluded at this point... and i guess with really low self esteem if i am even contemplating wanting to talk to him... .i am sure he has already contacted the girl he cheated on me with... .and it has been only two days... .i hate this... .and the fact that i think he will replace me with her and maybe they will be happy together and instead i am feeling all of this misery... .she is 14 years younger than me, she will have no expectations out of the relationship and he will probably employ her again when he goes on tour so they will always be together... .this drives me absolutely crazy and hurts so bad... .

[Mutt]

Hi saracobbaut,

I can understand how painful that would be that he's keeping options open with the affair partner. That has to hurt like hell.

I can understand how frustrating that is if a partner promises to go to therapy and he's not keeping his end of the bargain. It sounds like you're an understanding person and I don't think it's crazy to want to make things work.

If you lost him as a client how long do you think it would take to  a new client?

Can you rent a part of your home to help with your mortgage?

How's your support network with family and friends are they understanding?

[scarletviolet]

Hi Mutt

thanks for your reply

i feel like i am going insane, i am in physical pain when i get these anxiety attacks and my heart literally aches... .i feel so powerless, i can't even figure out if this is love anymore, i don't think it is, it cannot possibly be, but i feel so sorry that i cannot help him and also i am so scared that i am being replaced and maybe things with the other person will work... .and i will be held responsible in his mind for the failure of our marriage and he will never take responsibility for his actions... .i keep swinging from hating him with every cell in my body from what he did to me, to this immense feeling of compassion for not being able to help him and this really breaks my heart... .what also breaks my heart is the fact that he has not called me in 3 days now... .it is really like an addiction, not sure to what, as i know very clearly this is super toxic and unhealthy but still i can't help myself feeling that way... .

i can definitely rent part of the house, for the work part is a bit more complicated and i honestly think i still need to deal with him at least until the end of the year... .

i think this is also why he hasn't called because he is still in touch by email about work so he still has a hold on me, and he said he would help me how he can, i guess to feel less guilty about it and to help him remove the grieving part on his side.

i do have a good support network but at the moment i am tending to cave in... .i feel i am going to be a burden for my friends and family keeping obsessing about this and i know people get bored of hearing misery... .

[scarletviolet]

So today I broke NC , I was absolutely furious

I found out that he has been lying to me all along

And he is obviously still in touch with this girl that he cheated on me with,

He portrayed her like she is crazy and bipolar and that he was scared of her

But now I don't even believe that.

I tried to call her today and she hung up right away after she heard it was me.

According to my husband if I was going to call her she would have been quite aggressive with me because she is a though girl, far from it... .She disconnected her phone for the whole day... .

He also told his ex the same story when she told him she wanted to contact her as well to tell her that she was destroying families and causing a lot of misery to a lot of people... .

Then a lot of texts with him back and forth and he just doesn't want to tell the truth

He has no one to turn to and to talk to apart from this stupid girl ... .I told him few truths about him and he replied... .You make it sound like I am sick!

He is in total denial and now I am just so angry at him... .He hasn't got a clue of all the pain he is causing to a lot of people and I don't care if this is because of his sickness...

I feel liberated all of a sudden like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders... .

I am coming to the realization that there is really no hope for him... .

And I am not going to be his life savior after all

I don't have pity anymore for him at all

[Mutt]

I understand feeling powerless and the emotional distress. It's good to hear that you have a good support network and I can see that you may be worried that you're going to be a burden to them. We're here 24/7  

I'm happy to hear that you have come to the realization that there's no hope for him.

I can understand wanting to get answers from him and from the other woman as well.

You have until the end of the year to deal with him and it may be scary to deal with anxiety from now until then?

i feel so powerless

You can take your power back and start feeling better. You may want to try low contact and not no contact because you have to deal with him on a professional level. His girlfriend is likely scared of you? It has to be shameful if she slept with a married man?

I found out that he has been lying to me all along

How did you find this out?

How do you take your power and life back?

[scarletviolet]

i can't still believe it today he didn't have time to call me back apparently

such a coward and probably he is planning what great lie to come up with to keep me quiet... .

i spoke with his ex who met up with him last week and apparently the other girl called when they were together and he became all red in the face and super stressed... .

she told me as well that he looked really bad and really stressed... .same when he got back home at the beginning of the week, he lost some weight and not being eating for the whole day on tuesday cos of the stress... .i think i need to switch the focus from him to myself to gain control back, but that is hard as now i am so so angry with him... i guess its part of the breakup process... .in concern to that stupid woman i just want to let her know how she has been portrayed by him, god only knows what he told her to hook her up like that... .shes been really manipulated by the look of it... .his ex is going to write to her as well to tell her that she is destroying and upsetting the lives of a lot of people... .

surely if its not her it will be someone else but at least as he doesn't have anyone to turn to or talk to at the moment as he has alienated everybody else it will be stopped for a while until he finds another replacement... .i hate his attitude of keep postponing problems... .he keeps brushing them under the carpet in hopes they will disappear... .so pathetic... .

[cloudten]

Ugh... .i was in a situation very similar to yours without the international travel. My BPDxbf had a girlfriend for 10 months that he kept telling me he dumped, but really didn't.  It was awful. Absolutely hands down the worst time of my life.

I can't tell you what you should do, because nothing I did seemed to be the right thing... .but I will tell you what I wish I did in hindsight.

I wish after the second time he told me he dumped her and I found out he didn't--- I wished I would have stopped talking to him then and just moved on very seriously.  Because guess what--- it's not going to change. he is not going to change. and even if he were to change... .there is such a HUGE HUGE HUGE seed of doubt in your mind. You will NEVER EVER trust him again... .ever. It will always be there nagging you in the back of your mind... .and you will never be that "bundle of joy" when you see him.  Ask me how i know... .

So... .I would be happy to talk with you more... .but I strongly encourage you to discontinue the relationship. Get out while you can. If I had gotten out earlier and not let this happen to me 7+ times month after month for a year, I wouldn't have lost my hair and gone thru post-traumatic stress.

[cloudten]

And YES... .you absolutely have to focus on YOURSELF>>  NOW!

You absolutely need to do whatever it takes to protect yourself in every possible way. Physically, emotionally, mentally... .you must protect yourself.

[scarletviolet]

Cloudten

i am so sorry for everything that has happened to you... .i know this to be the biggest pain of all and nobody and i mean nobody unless they have been trough this can understand the psychological wounds that we got.

i started losing my hair 2 years and a half ago when he forced me to have an abortion, and luckily i had lots of hair and you can't really see much but i swear it is half of what i was used to have and in these last few days my hair has been falling off in bunches...

i have very little tolerance for other people when they do something wrong to me and i don't understand how i endured all of this and i am still obsessing and i mean obsessing about this... .

the thing that burns more is the fact that he is leaving me behind for this stupid w... re who is 25 years old, and is a nut case as much as he is... .and i my eyes i see her more attractive than me, slimmer than me bla bla and it really makes me feel not adequate and it is my fault that he is done all of these horrible things to me because i am not worth it or not good enough... .i know now i have a problem with my self esteem and not sure if i will be able to recover from this... .

MUTT-

I don't think this girl is ashamed at all, i am pretty sure he must have told her all sort of lies,like that i am crazy and that i would not leave him alone and that he's scared of what i am capable of, this is what he keeps telling me as well ... obviously yesterday we were texting and in his usual way to manipulate me, he started saying he didn't want to talk to me because i had to go an involve other people in our dirty laundry... .PATHETIC ... .and then if i wouldn't stop being a crazy b.tch he would not want to work with me anymore and he was going to take the job away from me... .to which i replied- obviously it is not enough for you to destroy me psychologically but also financially... .to which he replied' i will give you the job back according to how you behave... .!

he is still manipulating me... .

i swear to god that i feel like i want to murder him... .and the worst possible thing to happen to him and her... .am i a horrible person to have these feelings? i feel like i will be restless and heartbroken forever... .

[scarletviolet]

OH MY GOD! I CANT BLOODY BELIEVE IT! I JUST GOT MY MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE by courier and i am ready to go and file for divorce. i have been asking him to pay the money for me in order to file for divorce.i refuse  to go bankrupt because of him... .and he said the did it on sunday... .still no money in the account, so i sent him a message saying i was going to do this and where was the money... .he told me he should hit the account today... .so i have asked again when he did it... .and now he said he did it yesterday... .which i don't believe its true either... .so i called him and he would not pick up the phone! i  want to smack him in the head i swear... .i send him a message and he says he can't pick up as he is on a fishing boat with the band and the crew and can't speak but can speak later? i mean seriously? i don't believe that either... when he was with me last week he didnt have time to do anything as he was so behind with work and now he is on a fishing boat?

and when he was not picking up or hanging up i felt stabbed in the stomach... .

why oh why i feel like this?

[cloudten]

Wow- Yes, I lost my hair too. It started growing back but now I am losing it again. I had to dye it blonde so that my bald spots weren't so obvious.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know it is painful. I don't think you are crazy for feeling the way you feel---- I know that it feels like it will never end.  I know that it is hard to be patient.  When I was getting divorced, I thought it would never actually happen. And then one day, it happened. The papers came from the court. Maybe he doesn't have the money.  If you don't have money, maybe you can go thru legal aid?

[scarletviolet]

i have been renovating a house for the past 7 months which costed me a fortune $300.000

and the only reason why i bought the house was because it was our investment for the future and for a family  that i was longing for... he knew what he did and he went ahead and made me buy the house when he was already cheating on me... .

its the final two weeks of renovation and i literally  am in debt... .i have asked for money to my mum and he gave me some money as well... .but i refuse and i mean i totally refuse to also pay for the divorce  as after all that he did its really taking the piss... .he does have the money. but it needs to come out of his company... .so he doesn't have the balls to call his partner and tell him why he needs to wire me some money... .i guarantee you... .! because then he would have to justify himself about it... .thats why he is not picking up the phone... .

what a pathetic case of a human being!

[scarletviolet]

and today... .same thing, still waiting for the money to arrive in the account, texted him this morning no answer, called several times he kept disconnecting the call... .eventually i said i was going to speak to the accountant so he had the decency to pick up the phone... .doesnt want to speak to me at all, but pretending everything is fine to others... .i sent quite a lot of urgent emails today that were work related, no answers whatsoever... .then eventually about 30 mins ago the assistant sent me a message copying him in, and when i replied i got from him

OUT OF OFFICE-sick in bed, hope to be back tomorrow, if urgent text... .!

first instinct i had a pang in my stomach thinking that he was suffering too for this and he is obviously not physically well... .then the hate kicked in and i was like... " i am glad he is not well after all he made me suffer... ." and after that the doubt that it might be another lie as  he is so behind with work that he needs to catch up - REGARDLESS ALL OF THIS IS COMPLETELY SYMPTOMATIC THAT HE IS NOT COPING WELL... .despite putting up appearances and in a way i am very relieved... .i am not the only one going trough this horrible  time... .only difference is i am not actually pretending to be happy and that nothing happened... .HE IS!... .how very very sad!