Summer daycare

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

DH and uBPDbm have 50/50 joint decision making in a temp order. The temp CO says that they alternate weeks in the summer and each gets to pick a two week vacation.

DH pays child support, health insurance, and daycare but gets credit for only $80/month in daycare (our L messed that up, it's far far less than we actually pay). There was no stipulation about paying for summer camp, so DH has been covering the cost of that as well. uBPDbm hasn't reimbursed us for any medical expenses that she is supposed to. She hasn't paid for school lunches or field trips or uniforms (she steals those from us) or activities or any other expenses that come up. She doesn't even pay for a two bedroom apartment, they share a bed! She plays this "I'm so poor, you don't pay me a fair amount of child support, you have a dual income and a new car and a new house and I'm just driving this old car and in a tiny apartment" game to make her look like the poor struggling mother. In reality, her take home pay is higher than DH's (she doesn't pay for any insurance or 401k or anything but DH does) and we're up to our eyeballs in debt having to pay for everything and still scrape together another retainer for the L.

Whatever. She is basically a deadbeat and using this "poor me" game to deprive SD10 or make us pay for everything while she goes on trips and spends frivolously on herself (spending impulsively is her addiction).  

So. The last two weeks of summer the camp that SD10 is going to is closed. And that is the two week time period that uBPDbm chose for her "vacation". She chose it because she wanted SD10 for the first day of school. uBPDbm has a history of leaving SD10 home alone all day, and we're trying to avoid that.

Our conversations have gone like this:

We reminded uBPDbm that camp will be closed those weeks and asked what her plans were. She ignored that message. Three times.

Finally she answered and said "Camp or something, I'll figure it out".

We reminded her that camps might be closed or full those weeks. We checked the back up camp that we sometimes send SD10 to and it was closed.

Finally she responded with something helpful. She found camps at the Y in her area. A cheerleading camp (SD10 hates cheerleading, but the GC likes it) and a gymnastics camp (SD10 has never done gymnastics before). Then she writes back and says she found a cheaper camp that is more general (not a specific activity). She asks if DH will help cover the cost.

DH says he's willing to cover half. Send him the receipt and he'll reimburse her.

Then everything starts to decline. He gets projection "I don't have the money, I can't trust you, you never reimburse me, you don't care about SD10". He says ok then send me your half and I'll register her. Her answer was some nonanswer and it was just full of projection and blaming. Now the conversation has devolved into her projecting and blaming and “poor me” and DH replying “I cover everything how could you not afford just ONE WEEK of camp?”. She uBPDbm is back to saying she’s going to leave SD10 home alone.

We’re just beyond frustrated with her. She fought for these particular two weeks just to leave SD10 home alone. No vacation with her. No fun summer camp or activities. Just sitting around the tiny one bedroom apartment alone all day.  

[Thunderstruck]

DH and uBPDbm have 50/50 joint decision making in a temp order. The temp CO says that they alternate weeks in the summer and each gets to pick a two week vacation.

DH pays child support, health insurance, and daycare but gets credit for only $80/month in daycare (our L messed that up, it's far far less than we actually pay). There was no stipulation about paying for summer camp, so DH has been covering the cost of that as well. uBPDbm hasn't reimbursed us for any medical expenses that she is supposed to. She hasn't paid for school lunches or field trips or uniforms (she steals those from us) or activities or any other expenses that come up. She doesn't even pay for a two bedroom apartment, they share a bed! She plays this "I'm so poor, you don't pay me a fair amount of child support, you have a dual income and a new car and a new house and I'm just driving this old car and in a tiny apartment" game to make her look like the poor struggling mother. In reality, her take home pay is higher than DH's (she doesn't pay for any insurance or 401k or anything but DH does) and we're up to our eyeballs in debt having to pay for everything and still scrape together another retainer for the L.

Whatever. She is basically a deadbeat and using this "poor me" game to deprive SD10 or make us pay for everything while she goes on trips and spends frivolously on herself (spending impulsively is her addiction).  

So. The last two weeks of summer the camp that SD10 is going to is closed. And that is the two week time period that uBPDbm chose for her "vacation". She chose it because she wanted SD10 for the first day of school. uBPDbm has a history of leaving SD10 home alone all day, and we're trying to avoid that.

Our conversations have gone like this:

We reminded uBPDbm that camp will be closed those weeks and asked what her plans were. She ignored that message. Three times.

Finally she answered and said "Camp or something, I'll figure it out".

We reminded her that camps might be closed or full those weeks. We checked the back up camp that we sometimes send SD10 to and it was closed.

Finally she responded with something helpful. She found camps at the Y in her area. A cheerleading camp (SD10 hates cheerleading, but the GC likes it) and a gymnastics camp (SD10 has never done gymnastics before). Then she writes back and says she found a cheaper camp that is more general (not a specific activity). She asks if DH will help cover the cost.

DH says he's willing to cover half. Send him the receipt and he'll reimburse her.

Then everything starts to decline. He gets projection "I don't have the money, I can't trust you, you never reimburse me, you don't care about SD10". He says ok then send me your half and I'll register her. Her answer was some nonanswer and it was just full of projection and blaming. Now the conversation has devolved into her projecting and blaming and “poor me” and DH replying “I cover everything how could you not afford just ONE WEEK of camp?”. She uBPDbm is back to saying she’s going to leave SD10 home alone.

We’re just beyond frustrated with her. She fought for these particular two weeks just to leave SD10 home alone. No vacation with her. No fun summer camp or activities. Just sitting around the tiny one bedroom apartment alone all day.  

[ambivalentmom]

Good Afternoon,

     This situation does sound very exhausting and I want to commend you for doing more for your child than many parents do.  You sound like you have a good understanding of BPDbm's personality and already know not to give in to her as well.

     I've been on both sides of this and want to support your statements with my experiences.  Me and my D12 have been poor in a one-bedroom apt.  You can always find a second bed, put your daughter first, and try to do what's best for her. 

     It's also very frustrating that you are blamed for the very things you are trying to prevent (not being reimbursed for summer camp/taking care of your daughter).  The situation is probably frustrating because this (and many other scenarios) have already played out in your head and felt there is no way around her behavior.

     I wish I could help more, but my ex (possible BPD?) is getting ready to pick up my D12 and won't tell me where she will be for 4 weeks.  Maybe the blind leading the blind, but I hope I can offer a few suggestions.

     As always, keep the emails/IMs (print them for a folder just in case).  You might be able to call CPS just to let them know your concerns (even if she is old enough) about where she will be staying, how long she is left alone daily, and if D10 is actually comfortable being left alone.  You might even be able to call as a "concerned neighbor" during the visit.  This may be extreme and the BPDbm might react to this, so please be careful.  There may be other options with neighbor friends helping, slumber parties with a D10 friend through the BPDbm, and scholorships/subsidized camp programs.  Even asking to take her to lunch once (mainly to get her out of the house/break up the visit).

     I hope one of these suggestions might help you, but you will have a better understanding at the situation.  Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Thunderstruck]

     I've been on both sides of this and want to support your statements with my experiences.  Me and my D12 have been poor in a one-bedroom apt.  You can always find a second bed, put your daughter first, and try to do what's best for her. 

I've been a volunteer GAL and seen parents in some really broke situations (trying to find a job, recovering from addiction, getting away from domestic violence) and I agree, the parents have always found a bed or a better living situation for the child. What's making me upset about uBPDbm is that she has the means, she has a decent enough job and CS. In her apartment complex, a 2 bedroom is only $100/month more expensive than a 1 bedroom. She spends more than that on just eating out in a week. She just doesn’t make those sacrifices. I don’t know if it’s that she’s so impulsive with her spending that the money is gone the second she gets it, or that she really only thinks to spend it on herself. 

There may be other options with neighbor friends helping, slumber parties with a D10 friend through the BPDbm, and scholorships/subsidized camp programs.  Even asking to take her to lunch once (mainly to get her out of the house/break up the visit).

I like the idea of reaching out to SD10’s friends and seeing if at least we can get them a playdate during that time. That would at least give her a day or two of not being alone.

We feel really trapped about the home alone issue. We’ve already complained to CPS about it, and they didn’t take action. We’ve gone to court to try to get it fixed and the judge said “she can do whatever she wants on her time”. Then SD10 tells us about things that happen when she’s home alone (petting stray cats – NO!, a neighborhood kid pulled her underwear down and told her she needed to shave her privates – What?, she was lighting sticks on fire, another neighbor yelled at her) and it just makes us so uneasy. Plus uBPDbm stopped paying for SD10s phone, so she doesn’t even have a way to call 911 if something happens.

[rarsweet]

In nh kids age 10 can be alone, but they have to have access to a phone, especially if there is a registered sex offender in the vicinity. Just had a neighbor go through this with dcyf. Have you checked your registry?

[ForeverDad]

My last time in family court, hopefully the last time, I had included in the submission photocopies of my letters with details and receipts to ex notifying her of the school lunch, dental and other expenses.  She never reimbursed her 17%, a longstanding pattern.  Well, they were never mentioned during the two day hearing.  Yes, two full days.  I already had legal custody, I was seeking majority time.  But my lawyer didn't want ex to claim it was all about money, so we didn't push it, yet it was essentially sitting right there.  Well, the decision came down that I hadn't proven I had notified her of my unreimbursed child expenses.  Apparently filing the paperwork alone along with my postal forms wasn't enough, since I hadn't taken the extra steps - submitted them as exhibits and testified about that paperwork - then the magistrate could ignore what was already right there.

So if you have a prospect of some day going into court about the unpaid reimbursements, then be sure you can document you sent the paperwork.  Be sure you document that reimbursements were requested 'promptly', not months or years later.  It may be simpler to accumulate receipts but holding on to them too long risks (1) the receipts becoming legally 'stale' or noncollectable or (2) the court may conclude you stacked up the receipts to make a large payment too much to afford all at once.  Then, when you get to court make sure all of the unpaid or unreimbursed bills are presented again and specifically testified to On The Record so the court can't choose to ignore them on a technicality.

[ambivalentmom]

I hope the slumber parties/playdates work out for you.  I would only say: try to find a way to do this with BPDbm in control.  Maybe have hubby email BPDbm if it's okay if she can ask the friend because he doesn't know who they are. BPDbm won't feel as threatened and won't think that you are trying to take control of her time (she knows the friend and you don't, so she has the power).  Again, you guys know her better and will know if this is the best way to handle it.  Another good thing about printing the emails is writing notes on them, to reflect back in court or just to feel stronger when you predicted BPDbm's response (probably about how she has to do everything and that DH is incompetent for not knowing SD10's friend).  I bet she will even uses the word "obviously" in her emails  

Not sure where you are at, but U.S. allows any phone to dial 911 without service (might be something you can check on in your area).  Review emergency plans with your SD10, just as you would at your own home (fire safety and escape plans, great books on being home alone, how to deal with strangers/inappropriate behavior).

I think it's great that your D10 talks to you about what is going on (my D12 says she has headaches, fights with us/friends, and hides in her room when she comes back).  I would validate D10 concerns and maybe talk about what I would have done at her age and now as a grownup.  Ask if she was uncomfortable with the other kids’ behavior/grownup strangers yelling at her and offer suggestions for what she would want to do about it now/next time.

I know the issue is D10 having to be in this unfortunate situation and it would be so much better to have her elsewhere during those visits, but I offer more suggestions with helping her stay safe and helping her learn how to emotionally handle the situation (showing D10 you validate, empathize and try to problem solve with her) because this is the first thing to work on.

It's a very long, unwanted ride for all of us.  All we can do is staying strong and lookout for our children.  I don't need my D12 to realize what I am doing; I just need her to be a reflection of what I am doing.


P.S.  Okay, so if I was 10 years old again and have to stay home alone all day for two weeks, I would probably light stuff on fire also, I wouldn't want the shave? kid to get in trouble because then I wouldn't have anyone to play with, and I would be looking for "zone out" activities (video games, tv, reading).  

So maybe what I would do for myself is bring random projects I found online and books to read, tell shave? kid "don't mess with me there" and quickly suggest a game or something else to do.  If that kid was opposite gender or a few years older or around a bunch of kids, I would have to tell a grownup.  No matter how lonely I was or how close of a friend they were, I deserve to be treated with respect.  Maybe I would think of different people I am allowed to talk to and how to find them.

Hopefully this is not too lengthy.  Just remember to communicate as much as you are able to D10 as truthfully as you can, so she knows you are genuinely there for her.