Five months NC and today I saw her

[misty_red]

It’s been nearly to the day a year where she cut me out of her life. Some (not so) accidental visits at our handball games (she was part of the team but then left after I got discarded) but that was it. Last time I’d seen her was December 2014. In February 2015 I wrote her a goodbye letter and apologized for everything that had happened and that was it for me. Since February 8 I am in NC. Hadn’t heard from her ever again. In April I got a new mobile number so she could not reach me aynmore (I guess she didn’t try to anyway). Fort he last three months or so I was doing very good. I didn’t feel the need to reach out to her though I sometimes thought of her and about what she was doing with her life etc. The only thing I still feared was the fact that we still lived in the same city and would eventually cros paths someday. I was afraid I might want to break NC and that some old wounds would be torned open again.

Today I was in the city with a female friend. We wanted to grap some water and headed to a mall and in front of us my exBPDgf was walking with a guy towards our direction. I saw her first but in the beginning I wasn’t sure if it was her because the woman was way heavier than my exBPDgf was in the past. But it was her. As I was averting my gaze from her she finally recognized me and looked like she was dead and in a trauma.It was such a weird gaze. She looked so miserable. And I’m not telling you that because it got me some satisfaction. She truly looked miserable. Her face was bloated and puffed up, she was pale like dead and had put on much weight. I was glad that the girlfriend and I had to turn left, so it was such a tiny and short amount of time we would look at each other.

So, what I always was afraid of happening actually happened tonight. But what can I say? I’m fine, totally fine to be honest. It actually felt like it took a load off my mind. I realized that everything that I had felt for her in the past I felt for an image I had that didn’t exist anymore. This sounds very shallow but that’s not what I mean. Her whole body language, her charisma/radience was so different… or maybe it wasn’t at all and she’d always been like that but only now I was able to see it because of the lifted FOG? Anyway, but this proovs that we often idealise as well and that we do have a certain image of them which is not right.THere’s also one other thing I realized: in the end right before the final discard she already looked miserable, just not like that. I thought it was my fault, I thought I made her feel miserable so I thought she might get better if I’m not in her life anymore. And in the beginning she really seemed tob e perfectly fine after the discard. But now nearly a year later she looks even more miserable. I know I did some bad things and hurt her but this can’t be all of my fault now. I alos realized that I have learned so much in the last year till today and that I changed my mindset so much.

When I imagine meeting her like that she looks now fort he first time I would not fall for her, I wouldn’t find her attractive. Her whole radiance screems negativity, I would be appalled by that. Question just is – or I guess it’s not a question but an answer I’m afraid to commit to: did she have this radiance from the beginning and that’s the reason everyone warned me about her? And if: why didn’t I see it in the beginning? What made me overlook it? Or did I see it but I was attracted to that just because my mindset one year ago was similar to hers?

Anyway, I feel like I finally got my closure. After a whole year and I’m glad I did.

[disorderedsociety]

Sounds like a success story to me! Now you're more free to move on with what you wanna do in life.

I actually look forward to the day I cross paths with her face to face, albeit nervously. I'm pretty sure I saw her in her car passing thru my neighborhood today. She sees a guy (the rebound) in the same part of the city as me and so I'm sure she's always going back and forth to his place and back. Why she'd choose to use my neighborhood as a path is beyond me. I got a text from her a few weeks ago wishing me luck in my move (mutual friend.) Judging from facebook her face is already kind of droopy and she's 25. The life isn't there.

Depending on the degree of stability we provided before we left them or they left us, I firmly believe we were their lifeline before they settle into someone on their lower emotional level.

Its always hard to link their diagnosis with how things played out in the r/s but its harder if you've never had a good frame of reference for proper intimacy. Intimacy shouldn't be taking on their problems and dealing with their abandonment fears.

Anyway, end of ramble. Good on you for not talking to her 

[misty_red]

You know, the most disturbing thing is that she's just a train wreck. A year ago she already was but now she seems like at the top of self-distruction if that is even possible. It really shocked me. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she's not a part of my life anymore, I couldn't handle such negativity anymore. But I really hoped for her when she left that she would get better, I thought maybe it was my fault after all but she didn't get better any bit. I know how she looks like when she's disregulated and holy sh... .she is. It's just sad seeing someone being such a train wreck, it's sad seeing someone not being able to take care of themselves or at least find some professional help to take care of them. In some way I'm devastated.

Everything that has happened, the state she is in now, I foresaw, I even told her that if she wouldn't be careful this and that would happen and it did... .I told her to seek help etc. and she didn't and now she's a mess. I'm not saying this because I feel like some holy saint whou could've saved her. I'm beyond that now.

But the humanist part of me, the part that still loves her platonically feels pity for her. It feels like watching people starving or watching a homeless person or something like that. How could she let that happen to her?

I know this story is over, it has to be. The image I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore, maybe it never did. This isn't her fault, I idealized her just as she did me. It happened, that's it. The person I fell in love with is dead and won't arise from the dead. But for the human being she is, especially for the suffering and self-distructing human being she is I'll always have  week spot. But this is also a reminder how I could've ended and didn't. A reminder of how I worked on myself and changed. Yet it remains a bittersweet epiphany.

[Hawk Ridge]

Thank you for this post.  I saw mine and my replacement at a funeral two months ago.  It is exactly as said above - maybe I had idealized her too because she certainly does not emanate beauty and charisma now.  I jusr knew that as soon as they left, the replacement was going to be dealing with Ms. hyde in the car as Dr. jeckyll was at the funeral ignoring her partner just like she always did with me in public.  Following would be the "I feel cranky" and the sullen, lifeless silent trearment.  It was therapeutic although I know no one else would have picked up on what I saw her doing to the replacement if they hadn't gone through it as I did.  It was a game changer in my recovery.  Congrats for having the chance to see that what we had obsessed about missing was no longer in the cupboard.  I still have times when I think of and miss her every day but the times are less in duration and pain and I know I don't want to be her partner anymore.  I miss our friendship but that's all now.  Recovery feels good