New: Cut off by BPD gf 7 weeks ago

[Erliquin]

Hello all and thanks for listening.

My story is really quite complex and I'm far too exhausted physically and emotionally at this point to delve into it further, but briefly, my BPD girlfriend (diagnosed by her psychiatrist. Also diagnosed with OCD) of 2.5 years left me very suddenly and without any prior warning around 7 weeks ago (May 25).

For the last 6 months of our relationship, we were living together at her parents' and the situation was quite volatile to say the least. It was a dysfunctional household and there were many arguments,tantrums and instances of self-harm on her part (as there was when she lived there prior to meeting me). I was of course very concerned about her health and did my utmost to support her during all of this (as I did throughout our entire relationship) but was hesitant to become involved in any of the quarrels between family members as I didn't want to cause further problems or make her more upset than she already was.

However after 6 months of this and watching the chaos ensue around me without ever becoming involved, there was an instance involving her sister. It was fairly minor... My ex was washing dishes in the kitchen and using the hot water whilst the seventeen year old sister (plus boyfriend) were in the shower (in the middle of the day, mind you). My gf was reprimanded by her sister quite nastily and then proceeded to go berserk, smashing pots and pans onto the granite benchtop among other things. At this point my girlfriend was also accused of having let one of the chickens (the sister's chickens) into the house (they live on a farm) and I had enough at that point and decided to intervene. I could see how extremely upset my girlfriend was and I tried to calm her (earlier in the day she also had an argument with her mother and had fresh cuts on her ankles and thighs as a result). I told the sister that she needed to take responsibility for her own animals and to be a little more understanding when it came to berating my ex. The sister didn't take this at all well and told me "not to start on her".

All of the tension of the prior 6 months came to a head and I told the sister exactly what I thought of her and her selfish behaviour (without being overly vicious or ill-tempered), the father intervened at this point (he was outside and had wandered in when he heard the noise), an argument between myself and him then occurred which resulted in me telling him exactly what I thought of their entire approach to parenting and how maladjusted and flawed their entire household was. Some of the examples being; they have a son with Asperger's but when the mother comes home from work she either a) starts drinking wine or b) lays in bed and uses Facebook. Not ever bothering to cook him an appropriate meal or seemingly care whether he's well-nourished or not (which I thought was important for someone with autism). She never lifted a finger truth be told. The condition of the house is absolutely abysmal and in fact barely livable. Nobody in the household EVER picked up after themselves and the house itself was quite ramshackle and run-down but in the process of being renovated (by the father who was also trying to work 7-9 as an engineer). This caused a lot of problems in and of itself as it was my girlfriend and I that did basically everything as far as cleaning, picking up after people and feeding animals went. I didn't mind too much as I was living under their roof and so cleaning was the least I could do. It was frustrating though having to pick up after everyone and seeing all of our handiwork and cleanliness go to hell in a matter of hours.

My anger wasn't really directed at the father so much, as I believe he was doing his best under the circumstances, he just happened to be there and in the firing line.

As a result, I was told to pack my bags and get out. Understandable I suppose albeit a little harsh I thought. My girlfriend was visibly upset as was I, but we packed the car as quickly as possible and returned to my mother's an hour away. I called the father that night and apologised for my behaviour, he was seemingly understanding and appreciated the call.

Two days passed in this new environment and my girlfriend complained of being bored and having no stimuli (we went from a rundown farm to an immaculate three bedroom apartment on the water) but mentioned that she would NEVER go back to a situation where she was living in close proximity to her parent's. I should at this point mention, the reason we were living at her parent's is because they were having a cabin built on their land (not specifically for us) but we were invited to live there as a stepping stone to getting our lives back on track. My girlfriend insisted we go and live there while it was being built, even they had no room for us under their roof. It was decided we would live in a caravan on their land until the cabin project came to fruition. 6 months had passed and it still wasn't built and we were still living in the tiny van. This was ok as I was prepared to wait it out for her sake. It was to be one of those prefab cabins, so really no building time is necessary as they're assembled in factories, transported to the site and put up within a few hours.

Anyway - and this is becoming extremely longwinded - on the third day she had an appointment to go and see social security (Centrelink) about receiving disability support payments. I texted her a few times to see whether everything was going ok and just to let her know that I was there for her if she needed me (as I always did whenever we were apart). I became concerned as there was no response and she generally responds to my texts immediately. My last text being "I am worried xoxo!".

I knew she had to go back to her parents before her interview with social security as there were some documents she needed to pick up and other loose ends tied. Her father was also to accompany her to social security as he was to become authorised to act on her behalf should she be too ill to do so.

My mother received a call later in the day from my girlfriend's father to say that my girlfriend had decided to return back home permanently and that he would be following her back down to pick up her things (from my mother's). My mother then passed this onto me and I was in utter shock and disbelief as she had only been talking to them the previous day saying that there was "absolutely no way she was going back to live in the caravan".

I was at this point panicking, shaking uncontrollably and in tears and when they arrived just sat shocked at it all as she methodically picked out all of her items without even acknowledging me or saying a single word to my mother or myself. My mother then asked her whether she was going to say anything at all to me or explain things and she replied "it's wrecking my family".

Before she left she took both my hands and told me; "I love you", "I miss you" and "I'll be in contact soon". That would be the last time I ever saw her.

She continued to contact me for a week after she left telling me; how much she misses and loves me and that I needed to be strong. In fact during that week, she contacted me a lot more than I did her. I missed quite a few phone calls from her during that period. I could not sleep, eat or barely move but it was encouraging that she was still there for me (or so I thought).

She called me on the Sunday (almost a week after she'd left) and we had a long chat in which she told me she was going to come visit and we'd go to the movies and out for a nice dinner. She told me she loved me and said she'd call in the morning. It seemed as though we were still together and she hadn't said otherwise so I wasn't sure. I thought perhaps she needed a short break or something along those lines and was pressured into going back home by her parents. But on the Monday I received no calls and no texts and knew something wasn't right. She texted me later that evening and said: "My name, I think over the last week I may have been giving you the wrong impression, through text and via taking on the phone. Our relationship has ended, and I think by keeping in contact with each other is at odds with what I want and need in life. I think this is best for both of us in the long run... .but I have to ask you to stop contact with me any longer, as I will no longer in contact with you. I wish you all the best in life... .her name".

I was shattered and these didn't even remotely sound like words she would use. I told myself that either her father or psychiatrist must have told her to write this. I was in complete denial and utterly confused. She hadn't yet blocked me on facebook and the day after she sent the text she put up a status and picture of her laying out in the sunshine which said: ":)own at the dam watching the cows and horse and enjoying the sunshine. Got Wifi. Life's good!" Prior to our living there, the animals were in extremely poor condition, particularly the horse. I cannot stand seeing animals mistreated so took it upon myself to research and bring the horse back to optimal health despite the cost. I felt quite proud doing so and the horse responded extremely well to the attention. I miss the horse terribly. She has put a closeup of the horses face as her facebook cover picture.

I wrote to her a few times via email and facebook and sent her a few texts (nothing remotely unpleasant), but she has not replied since. She has put up a few more provoking facebook photos/statuses and has now blocked me. I have multiple facebook accounts though and she knows this. She has since added an influx male (only) friends to facebook, which is odd as she didn't once add another male the whole time we were together... .

I packed up a box of her things which she had left behind and included a letter addressed to each household member to say thankyou for having me under your roof for the past 6 months and basically blaming myself for any and all of the events that transpired. I also sent a letter to my ex reminiscing on all of the positive moments and thanking her for coming into my life, fending with: "I will be never be able to say goodbye. When the sun has set no candle can replace it. There are no endings and all new breaths begin with healing.

No, this is not a goodbye, my love , this is a thank you. Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. Thank you for being you.

And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, a thousand worlds, in any version of reality. I'd find you and I'd choose you."

I also bought and sent her a warm robe as it's the midst of winter here and knew she'd be cold in that caravan alone.

During the time we were together, she was not the most pleasant person to be around but I understood that this was due to her illness. I felt I could help her and tried to sense and absorb her pain and take it on as my own. I wanted to repair any damage that was caused prior to us meeting. I wanted her to heal.

She delved into prostitution and was adament she be able to pursue this as a source of extra income. I immediately felt devalued and assumed it was because she wanted to explore other avenues sexually. She spent the money she earnt doing this ($89,000 in a very very short time on items for herself and various beauty treatments). I accompanied her on her  various sojourns interstate and we would book 2 rooms so that she could conduct business in the other. As I was so concerned about her safety and she wasn't taking no for an answer (I was vehemently opposed to any of this, but concerned that she'd leave me had I put my foot down and said "no, you can't do that", I would sit in the car during her time with clients in case something went wrong. It wasn't pleasant, I can assure you. I felt extremely insecure, unloved and unworthy.

There are lots of other things that I could add to this story, like my ex previous to this one being BPD(she had anorexia/bulimia too) and taking her own life, but my life has been a very troubled one, certainly unconventional and I could certainly write a novel and perhaps one day, I shall. I am also a sufferer of OCD and severe anxiety and have been medicated for the past 20 years with benzos and SSRI's. Currently battling benzodiazepine dependence and trying to shed light on all that has occurred.

Where do I go from here?

Is there any hope?

[Infern0]

A long and painful story to read.

I can't give you an answer you are going to want to hear right now, but i'll give you the truth.

This relationship was extremely toxic and not healthy to either party, you are heavily codependent, she is borderline. There was no emotional grounding in the relationship, that's a huge part of the problem.

She did prostitution, you were too scared to lose her so you allowed it, despite it not being what you want. You cannot in any relationship accept things you are vehemently opposed to.

Also after the breakup you took the worst possible angle of constantly pursuing her (many of us have done the same)

You need to accept the relationship is over and work on yourself quite a bit, you dont have to rule out anything in the future, it's your life. But as for "hope", not while you are in this state, no. You need to get on your feet, heal from this then reconsider your options later. As for now, take this as an opportunity for some much needed personal growth.

[Erliquin]

Thanks for reading and providing a response, Infern0. I sincerely appreciate and value your input and I apologise for my brevity issues.

I concur with everything you've said and realise that pursuing her was the wrong course of action. However during the relationship she took charge of all the finances and just about everything else. There was information I needed regarding online banking, different passwords that I was unsure of, bills and items of importance that she was still in possession of.

I also bought her a car that she had an accident in 2 weeks prior to our breaking up, which she left with me but didn't leave any of the insurance or repair details. In which case it was difficult not to contact her at all, but I tried to keep it to a minimum.

I'm in a very dark place currently, but I will attempt to work on myself, my healing and I will see sunshine again, I hope.

I think at the moment checking her Facebook sporadically and seeing her pictures on my phone are causing the largest problems and filling me with constant dread/despair.

I am of the opinion that I won't ever possibly find anyone as beautiful, unique or witty as her again.

[Infern0]

Thanks for reading and providing a response, Infern0. I sincerely appreciate and value your input and I apologise for my brevity issues.

I concur with everything you've said and realise that pursuing her was the wrong course of action. However during the relationship she took charge of all the finances and just about everything else. There was information I needed regarding online banking, different passwords that I was unsure of, bills and items of importance that she was still in possession of.

I also bought her a car that she had an accident in 2 weeks prior to our breaking up, which she left with me but didn't leave any of the insurance or repair details. In which case it was difficult not to contact her at all, but I tried to keep it to a minimum.

I'm in a very dark place currently, but I will attempt to work on myself, my healing and I will see sunshine again, I hope.

I think at the moment checking her Facebook sporadically and seeing her pictures on my phone are causing the largest problems and filling me with constant dread/despair.

I am of the opinion that I won't ever possibly find anyone as beautiful, unique or witty as her again.

There is no need to apologise, I can honestly relate to virtually everything you have been through, i'd say my own issues were not as bad as yours when i began but they were not that far off, there was a time during our breakup where I feel i would have done literally anything to convince her to stay. It was after our first breakup, probably around 3 months later that I started working on myself, and probably around 3 months after that I got to the stage where I was fully moved on from everything and living a good life again, then she came back and we had another go at things. It ended again but this time I was a lot better off and saddened but not distraught.

These experiences are sent to try us, you may want to reframe this experience, it's a good one to teach you some lessons, let you work on yourself and making yourself happy.

Look at it this way, if she reaches out to you in 3,6 months, if you've worked on yourself and want to try again wouldn't you want to be in a good place mentally? And if not, then if you meet someone else amazing, you will be in a good place for that instead.

Best of luck to you.