Breaking Point

[rsychk05]

The stress of this relationship and consistent Jekyll / Hyde behavior is unbearable. I don't trust my husband any longer based on past and current behavior. I walk on eggshells so as not to upset him, like many others. He knows I do and it upsets him. It also makes him mad that I have distanced myself a bit emotionally. There are times he responds to this with crying or sulking, the silent treatment, or stewing in anger and then eventually blowing up at me. Today has been a mixture of the 3 and there is a knot in my stomach I can't get rid of. He won't talk to me about anything today. The last we discussed on Friday he says that he doesn't understand why I'm so cold and distant when he's doing everything he can and has totally changed. By everything, he means that he has a first appointment scheduled with a therapist in two weeks and that he is more helpful around the house and with the kids. He doesn't see this behavior as a problem and would just blame it on me if he did.

At this point, I feel more and more that I want to separate. Each time we talk about it I end up feeling terrible. He says things like,

How can I do this to him? It's not fair because he agreed to therapy, because he wouldn't be around the kids, because he has changed, etc.

How much is reasonable to expect from an uBPD? Once every other week counseling is not enough IMO but he already refuses a DBT group. He seems to me to be very resistant to any help and is going because I finally gave an ultimatum. Yet he adamantly insists that there is nothing more he can or needs to do because all of his problems in the relationship are me. Sorry for the long vent. I'm very tired of spending my weekends with such tension and unhappiness.

[Loosestrife]

Jeez, this sounds familiar. I'm sorry you are going through this. I find the ST the most difficult and it's just makes me more anxious. I don't know if I can ever forgive my pwBPDfor the things that she has done to me and she knows the trust has be shattered. The issue is that BPDs can't cope with us needing time to rebuild that trust and focus on ourselves as it takes the attention away from them.   I think one of the reasons I have stayed and kept trying is that she is open to getting help. Maybe a few weekends away on your own would help put some space between the bad weekends you've been having?

[rsychk05]

Maybe a few weekends away on your own would help put some space between the bad weekends you've been having?

That would be very welcome. I have two small children though, so it isn't very feasible right now.

[Lucky Jim]

At this point, I feel more and more that I want to separate. Each time we talk about it I end up feeling terrible. He says things like,

How can I do this to him? It's not fair because he agreed to therapy, because he wouldn't be around the kids, because he has changed, etc.

Hey rsychk05, Beware of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which those w/BPD use to manipulate.  They are experts at it.  I should know, because I was quite susceptible to those pressures from my BPDxW.  I think it's normal to reach a Breaking Point, which in my view is almost inevitable in a long-term r/s with a pwBPD.  It's exhausting to walk through a mine field everyday.  Eventually I used up all of my resources (emotional, financial and physical) and had nothing left in the tank.  By that point, I lacked the strength to leave, but fortunately some kind friends and a family member intervened and helped me to make the break.  Otherwise, I would probably have destroyed myself.  That may sound melodramatic to someone unfamiliar with BPD, yet you know what I'm talking about.

LuckyJim

[SummerStorm]

The issue is that BPDs can't cope with us needing time to rebuild that trust and focus on ourselves as it takes the attention away from them.   

Very true.  A few days before my former friend BPD went NC with me, I told her that I needed some time to think about things because I was having a hard time differentiating between her truths and her lies.  Later, she told me that I was being "dramatic."