She Said this and I ignored it...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ok, as I look back on my 18 month relationship with an awesome woman who made me feel such an immense high and then such immense lows I see the warning signs so clearly now. I saw them then but chose to ignore them or just say "hmmm" that's kinda strange. But the sex and attention was awesome... .so I was clouded. But anyway a few of the choice things to see if they relate to any of you others on this board.

1. 'I break up with men, men don't break up with me"

2. Before a trip to Hawaii she said "all the women at work say it will be a miracle if we are talking when we get back". I thought this was a fairly low standard. So on the way home from the airport at the end of the trip the fight broke out. We almost made it.

3. I was leaving for work very early in the morning, on the way out the door I said "bye baby" in a soft voice thinking she was sleeping. About a half hour in to the drive she calls and says "you didn't say goodbye" I say, "yes I did, as I was walking out the bedroom door, you probably didn't hear me". Her response was "no you didn't". I just said "now what do I do" This was three days after I moved in with her and now had a 70 mile commute.

4. The classic "you don't love me"

5. "Why would someone like you go out with someone like me?" I responded exactly the same, "why would someone like you go out with someone like me?" I was stunned by this. I thought I had hit the jackpot with her, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I was in awe of her.

6. While making reservations for her birthday in Las Vegas on my iPhone, she storms in the front door, sees me and says "are you on the f-ing phone again?" we never took that trip.

7. "I'm a nothing" this is the worst thing I have ever heard anyone say about themselves, ever. I remember say, "I think you are everything, you are everything to me". But I could never convince her.

8. "I need more". awful thing to hear from someone who supposedly loves me.

9. "You are not enough". I realize now she was talking about herself, but at the time I was very hurt by those words.

10. "You are warped" Hurtful

11. You are "f-ed up" that was the last straw... .

Looking back I am so sad now that she is gone. I am sad because I was unaware of her issues, the BPD. If I had known I would have handled things a lot differently and she would still be in my life. I think of her every day for the past few months.

[Lost Out]

Ok, as I look back on my 18 month relationship with an awesome woman who made me feel such an immense high and then such immense lows I see the warning signs so clearly now. I saw them then but chose to ignore them or just say "hmmm" that's kinda strange. But the sex and attention was awesome... .so I was clouded. But anyway a few of the choice things to see if they relate to any of you others on this board.

1. 'I break up with men, men don't break up with me"

2. Before a trip to Hawaii she said "all the women at work say it will be a miracle if we are talking when we get back". I thought this was a fairly low standard. So on the way home from the airport at the end of the trip the fight broke out. We almost made it.

3. I was leaving for work very early in the morning, on the way out the door I said "bye baby" in a soft voice thinking she was sleeping. About a half hour in to the drive she calls and says "you didn't say goodbye" I say, "yes I did, as I was walking out the bedroom door, you probably didn't hear me". Her response was "no you didn't". I just said "now what do I do" This was three days after I moved in with her and now had a 70 mile commute.

4. The classic "you don't love me"

5. "Why would someone like you go out with someone like me?" I responded exactly the same, "why would someone like you go out with someone like me?" I was stunned by this. I thought I had hit the jackpot with her, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I was in awe of her.

6. While making reservations for her birthday in Las Vegas on my iPhone, she storms in the front door, sees me and says "are you on the f-ing phone again?" we never took that trip.

7. "I'm a nothing" this is the worst thing I have ever heard anyone say about themselves, ever. I remember say, "I think you are everything, you are everything to me". But I could never convince her.

8. "I need more". awful thing to hear from someone who supposedly loves me.

9. "You are not enough". I realize now she was talking about herself, but at the time I was very hurt by those words.

10. "You are warped" Hurtful

11. You are "f-ed up" that was the last straw... .

Looking back I am so sad now that she is gone. I am sad because I was unaware of her issues, the BPD. If I had known I would have handled things a lot differently and she would still be in my life. I think of her every day for the past few months.

[chill1986]

I had 7 out of the 11 of those. You aren't alone mate.

[Lost Out]

BPD sue makes you feel isolated though... .

[sas1729]

I think I got roughly 10/11, if you account for word choices... .

As for your last comment, think about all of the fighting. Was it worth it? BPD is a serious personality disorder. It needs intense professional help. I broke up with my BPDex of 2.5 years six months ago. Now, I am dating a beautiful, fun, smart woman who is sexy unlike any other that I have ever met. And she is a nonBPD. Intense chemistry, both intellectually and physically, all the way to her crazy red hair and the riotous jokes we make. Mate, you can find someone like that. Just get out there! After being involved with my BPDex, I deeply appreciate having someone who sincerely enjoys me and cares about me, all while we get along and have a wonderful time!

[Lost Out]

Yes I know, thanks for the encouragement. I need some time... .

[sas1729]

Take the time to take care of yourself. Dating a BPD was an emotionally traumatic experience. I am not denying that. I did not know what to do after I broke up six months ago. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. All of the love and devotion you gave to your BPDex will be returned in equal measure with the right person.

[Mutt]

Hi Lost Out,

Ok, as I look back on my 18 month relationship with an awesome woman who made me feel such an immense high and then such immense lows I see the warning signs so clearly now. I saw them then but chose to ignore them or just say "hmmm" that's kinda strange.

I can understand feeling regret because we ignored the red flags. Don't hard on yourself.

Sometimes we're in emotional pain when we meet a pwBPD. Did you break-up with a gf, going through a divorce before you met your pwBPD?

What's the back-story?

I am sad because I was unaware of her issues, the BPD.

I can understand feeling sad because you weren't aware of her issues. Again don't be hard on yourself    Are we doctors and professionals? Personality disorders are complex and can be hard to detect right?

Did she tell you she was diagnosed with BPD?

[Lost Out]

No back story really. I hadn't been in a long term relationship in maybe 5 years, so I wasn't rebounding or anything. I was just dating a few different women as I had recently moved to southern California. I met her and it was awesome... .but we all know that does not last very long, well I don't want to say that because in between the rages there were periods of just wonderful fun together, concerts, beach, trips, biking and hiking. Then the other shoe drops as you all know. The craziness, the insults out of nowhere, so then I started to withdraw. After the incident where she called me "warped" I was in stunned disbelief and she looked at me and said "you guys just can't take it". That was incredible, like I was watching a movie of some psycho. Then of course there was her wanting sex, but I just couldn't do that with her anymore as it was her way on control, which she hated. The thing I think that irritated her the most was that I broke it off with her. She did not like that at all... .that is the only thing I think that I got over on her. Although she would tell me about some waiter flirting with her when she was out with her friends and I would say to her "who wouldn't flirt with you?" I didn't really care or even think  about that stuff and I think that caused her some angst too. a lot of times I wasn't biting, not deliberately, it's just the way I am, and I think this was irritating to her too. So in some sense there was some justice. It was the rage I couldn't deal with in the end. Every birthday, holiday, trip, hockey game got messed up. I love those things so getting them messed up was not what I wanted. So she lost out on two planned birthdays for her in Las Vegas because of meltdowns with no apology or explanation. I wasn't going to reward that crap.

And no she did not tell me she had BPD, she doesn't know herself. You know why she raged, why she was mean, because of ME! I made her do it!

Thanks for all the support and the ability to get this stuff off my chest, it is helpful to have some sort of validation.

[Mutt]

And no she did not tell me she had BPD, she doesn't know herself. You know why she raged, why she was mean, because of ME! I made her do it!

Let's take a look at the DSM criteria for BPD?

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

You describe extremes in devaluation and idealization and a marked display in chaotic interpersonal relationships. That's BPD, are you to blame for the disorder?

What were her previous relationships like?  Was there a chaotic pattern?