Hi,
I belong to another online forum where someone posted a link to a page that described traits of someone with BPD. Almost every one made me think of my father.
I have a long complicated history with him - not sure how much is relevant/needed. I also recently tried to cut him and other family members out of my life for things he's done/situations he created - again not sure how much is relevant; didn't want to write a novel.
I feel a lot of guilt, anxiety, and depression over all of this. If he does have BPD, is it worth it to try to move on? Or should I just write him off completely? What if he doesn't have BPD and he just really is that horrible?
Toxicfam,
As I've recently discovered from my exgf who is BPD ... .I've had to completely dive into this world of BPD in order to try to understand her better. I've read books, websites, forums like this one and I've had to become self aware of not only my own behavior but her's as well. I've learned a great deal from not only from conversations her and I have had to help create this behavior she has but I've also learned why she is my second gf ... .and possibly an ex-wife who are BPD.
I've learned that my mother is BPD, her learned behavior was from a father who was a POW for 2 yrs in WWII who was shot down and suffered horrible unimaginable things one human can do to another. He returned home extremely damage with what we now call PTSD. He married a woman who was a control freak, he worked all kinds of hours, and drank when he was home in order to deal with or cope with memories and a control freak wife. My mother learned her behavior growing up to protect herself ... .without getting into to much detail, she married my father who was a raging alcoholic, and worked all kinds of hours to avoid his overbearing wife. I learned to survive as a people pleaser, a care giver being the oldest child of several. I avoided conflict and was the peacemaker ... .I learned to help who ever I could ... .I was the night in shining armor, the cowboy in the whitehat, I was the person who was trying to save the everyone ... .and if you read and learn ... .this "care giver" behavior that I have is the perfect mate for the person with BPD behavior ... .they want to be saved and at our core it's who we are. But it is anything but a match made in heaven ... .it's a roller coaster ride for the rest of your life.
I spent the last 18 years away from my family to avoid the constant raging, the guilt, anxiety I felt when ever I did make it home which was usually for a funeral or someone in a bad way in the hospital. I recently spent several months in the same town and all those feelings came back and I had to leave once again for my own mental health. I have learned that I didn't cause it ... .I can't control it ... .I can't fix it ... .my sister has BPD and her husband is a peace maker ... .the night in shining armor wanting to save everyone, he's actually a cop so it's in his nature to want to help ... .they're relationship is anything but smooth and are always constantly at each other ... .but it works for them ... .they've learned to deal with situations.
BPD is a learned behavior of survival at it's core. The person with BPD wants to be loved, but is afraid of abandonment at the same time ... .it's a constant push pull ... .I hate you I love you don't leave me ... .it is a daily roller coaster. As I've told others, you need to educate yourself, read and think about what is best for you ... .not what is best for that person ... .BUT FOR YOU. I've chosen to leave the state and not deal with them "my family" for my own mental well being ... .as far as one of my ex BPD gf, I choose not to talk or stay in contact with her. As far as number 2 ex BPD gf, I've set my boundaries ... .I have expressed what I will and won't accept in our relationship ... .and from what I've read ... .those with BPD's need to learn boundaries since they never learned them as a child. I don't know if I'll ever see her again ... .or hear from her again ... .all my experience tells me I will sooner or later. I'm currently in a week of time out ... .or silent treatment with her after I gave her my boundary list. I know I have to stick to them ... .or my own mental health is at stake. I need to take care of myself ... .YOU need to take care of yourself in whatever BPD relationship you have.
Read ... .learn ... .reflect ... .become self aware like myself of relationships around you ... .and decide what you want to do ... .
I wish you luck
JQ