Waiting for the Outburst

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mom passed away a year ago and I was the one to go through her things.

I set aside photos of my sister that I thought she would want (I would want them if they were photos of me).  I was sure not to include any photos that might upset her.

Today I sent the package of photos to my sister.  She is uBPD.  I'm already feeling anxiety because I suspect there will be an angry outburst when she receives the photos.

Last year I forwarded some documents to her home address.  She knew they were coming.  And when she received them she launched into a verbal attack because I didn't include a cover letter.

I never know what to expect.

Any tips for managing my anxiety?  I try to remember that I don't have to let her words hurt me.

[healinggirl]

My mom passed away a year ago and I was the one to go through her things.

I set aside photos of my sister that I thought she would want (I would want them if they were photos of me).  I was sure not to include any photos that might upset her.

Today I sent the package of photos to my sister.  She is uBPD.  I'm already feeling anxiety because I suspect there will be an angry outburst when she receives the photos.

Last year I forwarded some documents to her home address.  She knew they were coming.  And when she received them she launched into a verbal attack because I didn't include a cover letter.

I never know what to expect.

Any tips for managing my anxiety?  I try to remember that I don't have to let her words hurt me.

[Harri]

I am sorry for your loss and the stress you feel regarding your sisters possible reaction to receiving the photos.  

A few things come to mind in terms of how you can manage your anxiety.  I am big on self talk and visualizations so this may sound crazy but it worked for me (so of course I think it will work for everyone!   heh heh)  

1.  Assume that she will act out - this eliminates the possibility of being blind-sided!  (but also be open to the possibility of being pleasantly surprised by a 'thank you, that was very nice of you to do' (!)  

2.  Like you said, remember her words do not have to hurt you... .and that leads to... .

3.  Remember that any (over)reaction she has probably stems from some internal pain and she simply does not know how to express it in healthy ways.  Chances are, she feels threatened in some way and when she is in such a state she is not even seeing *you* she is only seeing/feeling her own pain, whether her abandonment issues have been triggered or if it stems from something else.

4.  As such, whatever she says has nothing to do with you and has everything in the world to do with her own self (read up on projection and pick a mantra.  something like "what she is saying is not about me it is a reflection of her own internal state"

5.  Visualize a clear protective bubble around yourself so that her words bounce right back to her

6.  Remember you have the right to say "stop raging/yelling/attacking me or I will hang up"

7.  If she does not stop say "I told you to stop.  I am hanging up now.  We can try to talk again when you can have a calm discussion" (or some variation of that) and then hang up/walk(run) away

8.  After, eat chocolate, go for a walk, meditate, punch a pillow, draw a picture, have a martini, go for a drive... .whatever works.

9.  Remember that you have the right to protect and take care of yourself and you are not responsible for her reactions.

Pick any or all of the above and repeat as necessary (well, maybe not the martini part).  She will continue to act out for sure if you do not set limits so it is important to tell her no/stop/etc.

Like I said, the above list worked for me in most situations with my mother.  #3 and #4 are not meant to excuse her behavior but to put them into a context that allows you to depersonalize any attack as much as possible.  

I hope my suggestions don't sound too hokey and I hope they help.  It is so hard and sad when such a difficult time is made even harder.  

Wishing you peace.

[healinggirl]

Thank you, Harri!

I'm going to try some of your suggestions.  I have a couple of close friends who will listen when I'm reeling after an outburst.

My mom was uBPD too so I've been dealing with outburts most of my life.

With my sister, i often remind myself that it's the mental illness speaking.  The outbursts are actually easier for me to understand than some of her other behavior.  My sister is in pain and she wants everyone to hurt as much as she hurts.

Tonight I was worried that the photos will get lost or melt in the southern heat and my sister will really go ballistic (I didn't scan them before I sent them so they can't be replaced).  But chances are they'll arrive just fine.

If my sister really wanted them, she could have gotten them herself months ago.  Though she would never see it that way.