Taking undeserved credit

[Cat Familiar]

My husband has a habit of taking credit for things that I've done, solely on my own. Yesterday when the air conditioner quit working, he called our friend, the owner of the heating and air company. In the meantime, I fixed it. When he called back to cancel the appointment, he said he had fixed it.

Similarly, he doesn't do a thing in the garden, but claims he grows the fruit and vegetables that I give him to share with friends.

It used to irritate me, because I make a point of giving credit where credit is due, but then I thought it's probably a BPD thing. Does your SO do this too?

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[an0ught]

Most of what we see is defensive. I suspect he is embarrassed that you are better with a wrench than he is.

Weak ego, weak boundaries and few rules for himself. A T can help here. You really can't help much with boundaries other than being a role model.

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks, anOught,

Fortunately I've never said anything about these comments of his, but it does get under my skin, particularly when I've worked hard and he hasn't done anything, yet takes credit for the result.

I've often wondered if he did this in his professional career. The difference being that he seemed to feel very competent in what he did, but he never liked being a lawyer. If he did take undeserved credit, it would go a long ways in explaining why he was often "stabbed in the back" by some colleagues, but that's also part and parcel of a law career--it attracts a lot of narcissists.

[vortex of confusion]

I think another possible reason for this is the whole enmeshment thing. There used to be a time when I didn't know where I began and where my husband ended. If there is no differentiation between the two of you, then it would make sense that you doing something is the equivalent of him doing it because you are not two separate individuals but rather one big happy entity tied up in each other.

That may not be the case. I figured I would throw it out there because I have seen a lot of things that have come from the notion that my husband and I are one rather than two completely separate individuals.

[Cat Familiar]

I know what you mean, Vortex. I experienced that enmeshment thing with my first husband. All pronouns I used were "we" rather than "I" but I definitely differentiated myself away from some of his bad behavior.

I don't know if my current husband feels enmeshed or not. I definitely don't share a lot of his interests, nor he mine.

Now if I catch him bragging about how he has trained my young horse, then I'll know he's a bit boundary-less. 

[Cat21]

Interestingly enough, my H has, on several occasions, given ME the credit for something he has done. When I asked him why, he said, "I want people to like you."

Gee, thanks.

[formflier]

  given ME the credit for something he has done. 

Such as... .?

[Cat21]

Baking/cooking things for parties. I remember one time, specifically, he made a berry cobbler from scratch (he can cook!), and went to a party (I wasn't at this party, as I was visiting my parents.) I got a text from the host of the party thanking me for making such an amazing dessert. Confused, I texted my H and asked him if he told the host I made it, and he said yes. When I asked why, he said something like "I just wanted (the host) to really like you. Sometimes I'm not sure what he thinks of you because you don't always like it when I hang out with him. Now he knows that you care enough to make a nice dessert for his party." I thought about it for a while and decided it was projection- this particular friend is a bit of a 'bad influence' on my H, and he's right- I don't always like it when they hang out. But, ever ALWAYS concerned with what others think of him, my H was trying to make me seem "nicer" since he thought his friend didn't like me. Of course, his friend likes me just fine- it's all in my H's head.

[formflier]

 

Fascinating... .

At one time or another I've faced many of the same issues that others on these boards have faced.

Paranoia seems to be at the core of my wife's issues.

I sat here and thought for a moment... .and I don't think I've ever had her take credit for my stuff... .or me take credit for hers.

How often does he do stuff like this?

FF

[Cat21]

Not often. But, my H is very concerned with his image when it comes to friends, co- workers, and sometimes family. I think he has a picture of how he wants to appear and sees me as an extension of that.

Another thing he did recently: after his sister and her family visited us last month, he posted some pictures of their visit using my Facebook account (he doesn't have one, so he occasionally used mine to look at pics, etc), and typed the caption "family visit. We loved having you here! Miss you!l".  Then he told his sister that I posted the pics and wrote the caption.

Obviously I didn't do either, but his need to present me in a certain light to her (or what he sees as a certain light) is another example (I think) of trying to please others and viewing me as an extension of himself.

[formflier]

  viewing me as an extension of himself.

Which is why boundaries are so important.

Otherwise... .how do you figure out where you end... and he begins. 

Boundaries aren't mean... .they just are. 

Quick funny story.  I don't have a facebook account either.  I have made 1 FB post in my entire life... and have no intention of making another.

My wife hands me her phone... .logged into her FB on Mother's day and asks me to make a post "to her".

Never having thought this through before... .I happily obliged... .wrote some nice stuff about her... posted it. 

Thought it was over... .NOPE.  She stomps around about how I don't get it... .not going to cut it... .she logs back in and edits the post... added lots of ALWAYS... .BEST EVER... .exclamation marks.  I never... .ever... would have written something like that.  Mutual friends reached out to me and asked if I really made that post. 

Anyway... now my answer is... "I don't do facebook... " (no further discussion)  Also... once I realized what she was doing (writing a post to herself... under my name... )  I didn't react.  Just walked away... .

Ahhh... the joys of FB... .

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

BPDh used to do this. I annoyed the crap out of me. He'd take credit for gifts I'd picked out, or things I'd done, or helped do. Zero acknowledgement. I finally said something, and now he makes a point of also giving me credit. It feels forced on his part, and somehow weird, but at least he's not taking underserved credit, and my efforts are at least acknowledged. In our case, it almost always involved the step daughters.

[Cat Familiar]

I like to buy people surprise gifts when I think of something they need or would enjoy. My husband would say, "Tell them it's from me too." Having to say that often made the situation awkward, especially if the person knew that there was no way my husband had any involvement in thinking about them and selecting the gift.

So now I don't mention anything to my husband and just give gifts when I feel like it.