Aweek in inferno with BPD parents~

[Depression = 72% of members]

Apologies for being redundant but after spending  a week in inferno with BPD parents (who disowned me this weekennd and left me stranded at a rest stop 30 miles from airport becsuse I upset them) I find myself wanting to make contact with ex again. Please remind me it will end badly am no I do not deserve another chance. NC forever right?

I know the problem is me. I cause trouble and poison everything I touch. If I truly loved him I'd stay away I know that. But i lack a loving family am socially isolated I don't want this to be goodbye is NC really my only option?

[Beach_Babe]

Apologies for being redundant but after spending  a week in inferno with BPD parents (who disowned me this weekennd and left me stranded at a rest stop 30 miles from airport becsuse I upset them) I find myself wanting to make contact with ex again. Please remind me it will end badly am no I do not deserve another chance. NC forever right?

I know the problem is me. I cause trouble and poison everything I touch. If I truly loved him I'd stay away I know that. But i lack a loving family am socially isolated I don't want this to be goodbye is NC really my only option?

[Beach_Babe]

Is anyone around to talk to? Please

[Restored2]

Hi Beach_Babe.  Sounds like you have been through a rough stretch and are extremely vulnerable, from the recent rejection of your parents with lacking a loving family.  Why do you say that you "do not deserve another chance" and "cause trouble and poison everything that you touch"?

[nihilo]

I doubt the problem is you, it seems those of us that grew up in BPD environments seem to "attract" or are attracted to, the same type of environment that damaged (traumatized) us as children. Its almost as if we don't see the same red flags until it is too late...

Now that you're familiar with BPD, why would you want to go back?

Did the "good" outweigh the bad? Was the emotional trauma your BPD ex gave you worth those brief and few "good" moments?

I'm still freshly out of a BPD relationship myself and I'm constantly battling these questions. It is a undeniable no on all points! Yet I still yearn for him.

One of the pinned articles mention leaving these relationships are like heroin withdrawals... Although I don't know what that's like, an unhealthy addiction is most certainly an accurate description.

We need to stay away from those that have done us emotional harm. Or we will never get well ourselves. And by get well, I mean be attracted to healthy people and healthy relationships.

[Beach_Babe]

Restored: maybe my uBPD/unpd parents are right. I am not worthy of love and deserve nothing. I came home to see my dying grandmother and they banned me from the funeral and  told me to go home early. They dumped me at a rest stop 30 miles from airport. Had to walk 2 miles with luggage to nearest motel and call cab for morning. A friend told me I enjoyed the drama and said I created some in his own relationship. Another friend cancelled plans 3 times while I was home and refused to let me even stop by to deliver a baby gift (she is pregnant). My parents disowned me said I was mentally ill and sick. My father struck me with his cane. It is my fault don't you all see? My ex left because I create drama and am a horrible person. Everyone is better without me. The problem is me.

Nihlio: I'm lonely that's why I miss him. Because for 13 of the 14 years he stuck around. I'm eccentric, odd I drive normal people away and am the dumping ground for everyone else. My whole life I've just taken all the $hit shoved out to me. Yes I'm starting to lash out because I.CANT. TAKE. ANYMORE. I'm not responsible someone got rejected, it's not my fault one parent cheats on another. Or my ex has the issues he does. I'm tired of just taking all the crap shoveled to me.

[Beach_Babe]

If this is not an appropriate site pleaae can someone direct me where I might belong? I realize I come across like a broken record here I just get so triggered into contacting my ex when I feel low. Please remind me I'm not missed or wanted there either. Any attempt to reach out would end badly.

[nihilo]

People see us as we allow them to... if we show them we're a failure, they're going to see us as one.  Likewise, if we show them we're a disaster, they're going to see us as one.

[Bassoutcast]

Restored: maybe my uBPD/unpd parents are right. I am not worthy of love and deserve nothing. I came home to see my dying grandmother and they banned me from the funeral and  told me to go home early. They dumped me at a rest stop 30 miles from airport. Had to walk 2 miles with luggage to nearest motel and call cab for morning. A friend told me I enjoyed the drama and said I created some in his own relationship. Another friend cancelled plans 3 times while I was home and refused to let me even stop by to deliver a baby gift (she is pregnant). My parents disowned me said I was mentally ill and sick. My father struck me with his cane. It is my fault don't you all see? My ex left because I create drama and am a horrible person. Everyone is better without me. The problem is me.

Nihlio: I'm lonely that's why I miss him. Because for 13 of the 14 years he stuck around. I'm eccentric, odd I drive normal people away and am the dumping ground for everyone else. My whole life I've just taken all the $hit shoved out to me. Yes I'm starting to lash out because I.CANT. TAKE. ANYMORE. I'm not responsible someone got rejected, it's not my fault one parent cheats on another. Or my ex has the issues he does. I'm tired of just taking all the crap shoveled to me.

Hey Beach_Babe, sorry to hear how rough things are going, can't imagine how it must feel like 

Though it might seem like it, you shouldn't blame yourself, especially when everyone else makes you feel like it - that's your first small victory, holding your head above the water.

IMHO The #1 thing that I recommend doing is focusing on yourself, whatever it takes - to let go of people that trigger those emotions and be by yourself for a while (although it is VERY important to have a support network at that stage, be it friends or relatives or a therapist, and of course this board), and (for what I can tell is the first time ever) rebuild your self confidence and rise above all those who look down at you - that way when you gradually let them back into your life you'll be able to handle whatever comes in your way 

Regarding you exBPD - It's not that you don't deserve another chance, you do - but with someone who will appreciate you for who you are, not what you are (i.e : emotional caretaker, parental figure, etc).

I know NC is very hard to maintain, I struggle with it too sometimes, but we must always weigh our odds here - does the good really over-weigh the bad? I see that you miss your ex, but sometimes we need to focus on what's good for US, and you must ask yourself - is my ex really good for me?

I hope that whatever the answer is, you'll be able to hold onto it and remember it daily, as a reminder to carry on.

We're all here for you 

[Beach_Babe]

People see us as we allow them to... if we show them we're a failure, they're going to see us as one.  Likewise, if we show them we're a disaster, they're going to see us as one.

Failure?    

Disaster 

Yep, that sums my past year up.

Bassoutcast:  I think the problem is beyond this board, and a therapist (who truthfully isn't very helpful) I lack a support system. I am somewhat socially isolated, and it pains me things in his life are going so well. I have never looked down or left him behind but that's exactly what he did to me. I had to go, life got better. I am hurt and bitter.

[once removed]

hey beach_babe!

i can assure you, your problems are not beyond the scope of this board or a therapist. i was socially isolated myself. i had friends, but to this day i dont think they were there for me, and if they had been, i think id have recovered much faster.

we are here for you  . it may be that your problems do run very deep, so they wont evaporate over night or necessarily over three months. you say your parents are disordered, and it does sound like theyve treated you fairly cruelly; thats understandably going to exacerbate the feelings youre dealing with.

there definitely seems to be a theme of blaming yourself and thinking you deserve this treatment. im here to tell you thats not the case, youve been very kind to other members here, and you are most certainly deserving of love. it sounds as if you have been taught the opposite, which is heartbreaking, and i understand why those thoughts are very difficult to dispel. you mention your therapist isnt helpful; is there anything stopping you from trying another? and if so, you mind find this very useful:

https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

we are here for you beach_babe. i know it may not feel like it, but youve made a lot of progress 

[Kwamina]

Hi Beach_Babe

You are dealing with some very difficult thoughts right now. I am very sorry that your parents treated you the way they did, that was quite hurtful and in my opinion you definitely did not deserve that. You are already dealing with the end of your long relationship so your parent's behavior really isn't helpful at all.

Once removed has directed you to a great resource that can help you deal with the negative thoughts and self-beliefs that you are struggling with. Mood Gym is a free online Cognitive Therapy Program:

Cognitive therapy programs train people to replace maladaptive cognitive styles with helpful thinking patterns and increase behavioral coping skills. CBT is a very useful coping tool for family and partners (current and former) of individuals with borderline personalty disorder.

MoodGym was developed by the Australian National University. It is available free to the general public... .specifically to help people with limited access to mental health professionals.

I also encourage you to take a look at a recent thread about automatic negative thoughts and tools to talk back to your inner critic/negative voice:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

Take care and I hope you'll find these resources helpful

[Beach_Babe]

Onceremoved:  my folks are BPD/npd combo. Several therapists have confirmed this. To the outside world however both are high functioning and very successful professionals. No one on the outside would ever suspect we were anything but the perfect family. My grandmother passed away on this recent visit, so I am still glad I went despite everything. Thank you so much for your kind response. I will check out moodgym.

Kwamina: thank you as well! How have you learned to handle splitting from your BPD parent?

[Turkish]

Beach_Babe,

Your father assaulted you by hitting you with his cane. That was a crime, both legally and morally. If they "disowned" you, then that is to their shame. You've stated their limitations. This is who they are, and hysically abandoning you (nevermind the emotional abamdonment), is un acceptable. Leaving PDs aside for a moment, you're still a human being, and deserving of at least the very minimum aspects of Love:  patience and kindness (I struggle, but practice these with my Ex... .and my mom).

As for reaching out to your ex: we know what we know, and don't know what we don't know. F you've been shown such toxic "love" from your parents, who should love you unconditionally (this doesn't mean not perhaps judging, but it should be done out of love), then it's understandable that you will want to connect with your Ex.

The hard thing is to reach out to someone healthy, who will validate you as a person. And everyone deserves love.

[Kwamina]

Kwamina: thank you as well! How have you learned to handle splitting from your BPD parent?

It is tough when we get split by our own parents. Something that has helped me is to keep reminding myself that no matter what my uBPD family-members say or do, their words and actions have nothing to do with who I really am. Their words and actions are only a reflection of their own inner turmoil and negativity that they are trying to project onto me. This helps me not take what they say and do that personally.

In the real world there is no validity in their behavior, though they might wear the mask of innoncence to the outside world very convincingly. Fact of the matter is that hurtful behavior like what your parents did to you, is not just and can only be justified in the imaginary BPD world that your parents try to impose onto you and others. There is no truth in their statements, nor in their actions. They are projecting a negative image of you but it isn't the real you at all. It's a fantasy, an illusion, just their imagination.

In that thread I mentioned, ten forms of distorted thinking are identified. Can you identify any of those distortions in the negative things your parents project onto you which as a result you started to internalize yourself? Can you see how those internalized negative projections are only a distorted view of you and not who you really are?