Just figured out why ub-dil scolds new husband

[whiplashed_mom]

They were sitting on the couch at our house. She was talking on and on about her problems with work, etc. as usual, when my son quietly said, "Oh I'm sorry. I interrupted you." I was standing between them, behind the couch, and I never heard the interruption. But! She stopped talking, turned to him, and in a highly offended tone said, "You did interrupt me, didn't you.(?)" He lowered his head, looking ashamed. I was so astonished that I don't remember if anything else was said.

This kind of thing happened about three times, and I once said to him. "She scolds you for interrupting, and in front of us." He just listened to me. I wondered why he was letting her treat him like this. After I said this to him, he must have told her to stop doing it in front of us. She began to take him out to the driveway to scold him, right then and there. It happened at least 4 times, about 1/2 the times we had them over.

I couldn't understand why she wouldn't want him to talk, nor why she would scold him for no reason. *The reason is that if he even hints at doing what she is guilty of doing, she can keep on top, in control, and he sinks into shame.* She is not the bad one, he is. What kind of relationship is this?

Similarly, on their wedding day, I was also saddened and surprised that she continually mentioned how it was his fault that they were not dancing because he (accidentally) stepped on her (#@&%) train. Who does that?    :'(   I know I love my husband too much to ever shame  him, wedding day or not.

Last night I saw a video with Dr's talking about BPD. They said that the bp would egg the co-dependent on to get him to react, especially when she had built up enough bad actions to feel a little guilty about her own behavior. Once the co-d reacted, she would say, "See, you are the one who yells! You are the abuser! You are the one out of control!" And then feel self righteous as the co-d spiraled into deep shame. This is what I witnessed with my own child!  

She was told in per-marital counseling to let him speak. Yet, she purposely ended the only conversation he began with me since their wedding. She told him he shouldn't be talking to me, then told me if I wanted to talk to him it would have to be at home, with her there, even though I've never seen them apart since three years ago.  He is so lost. What happened to my intelligent, somewhat confident, sweet son?  Now, they have abandoned us.