How to tell BPD mother some rage triggering news

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPD mother had a massive raging period over several months flaring up whenever we saw eachother after I've announced my pregnancy. Being pregnant with my second child now I haven't told her yet and I'm massively afraid to do so as I'm traumatized by her behavior. I'm pregnant and happy. I want to enjoy this second pregnancy but her shadow is hanging over me. Any suggestions about how, if and when to deliver the news to protect myself and hurt her less? Thanks

[Juleol]

My BPD mother had a massive raging period over several months flaring up whenever we saw eachother after I've announced my pregnancy. Being pregnant with my second child now I haven't told her yet and I'm massively afraid to do so as I'm traumatized by her behavior. I'm pregnant and happy. I want to enjoy this second pregnancy but her shadow is hanging over me. Any suggestions about how, if and when to deliver the news to protect myself and hurt her less? Thanks

[Kwamina]

Hi Juleol

Congratulations on your upcoming baby!

I am sorry your mother behaved the way she did when you were pregnant with your first child. Given this history, I definitely understand your currents fears/anxiety. Did she ever give any insights into why she behaved the way she did?

We have resources here that might help you communicate with your mother. I'm going to give you the links in a moment but before I do I'd like to say that your own well-being and that of your unborn child are most important. No matter what you do, you can't control her behavior or whether she gets hurt or not. What you can do is protect yourself. Setting and enforcing boundaries can help you do that. Do you feel that setting and enforcing boundaries with your mother is something you are comfortable with doing? Here are some links to resources that might help you with your boundaries:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Examples of boundaries

If you were decide to tell your mother, the following resources can perhaps be helpful:

Communication Skills - Validation

Ending the Cycle of Conflict

These communication techniques can help you minimize the possibility of (further) conflict. They are no guarantee though, protecting your own well-being and that of your unborn child is I think most important here and that's where boundaries can really help:

When we speak of “boundaries” we are really speaking about our personal values.  This point is often overlooked.  Personal boundaries are simply one way we define our values to others.  Let’s start there.

... .

Boundaries are how we define our values to others.   A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values -  it's like a fence  - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not.  For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be "would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?"  It's not always obvious as we all see things differently.  As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be consistent.

Take care

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Juleol,

Welcome to bpdfamily and congratulations! Kwamina has some good questions for you and also shared some of my favorite links. I completely agree that taking care of yourself is most important.

It can definitely be challenging to communicate with a PD'd parent. One thing that helped me was coming to understand that no matter how perfectly I communicated, I would still not be able to control my mother's feelings and reactions. I learned to start doing things to take care of me rather than constantly worrying how it would make her feel. After all, she was going to be hurt no matter what--I am not the true source of her pain. I had a great therapist to help me through that process. Have you ever considered talking with a professional counselor?

As far as how to inform your mother about your pregnancy, what would make you feel safest?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Turkish]

How close is she Juleol? Is she going to want to be at the hospital, or at home when you arrive with your new precious gift?

In normal situations, it's tough to realize who our primary family is now (your babies, your mate). Even more so when a parent with BPD is involved. Boundaries are very important here. It may be hard to step away from perhaps a decades long dynamic of being responsible for a parent's feelings. At the end of the day, however, your mother is alone responsible for how she feels. Being enraged about the joyful news of a grandchild isn't right. Do you and your family feel safe?

[Juleol]

Hello all, thank you for your good

suggestions. I've looked at the links and found some helpful advice. I have difficulties to separate myself from my mother and stop feeling responsible for her feelings. I've needed to be attuned to her in the past (and even now) in order to avoid triggers and raging and protect myself from that. Now I have my own life, family and decisions to make and can't/ don't want to live in fear of consequences because she doesn't agree. The old patterns are just very hard to overcome. I was thinking about announcing it in a letter but on the other hand I'm not sure if it's the right way.

As for our situation, she lives about 2.5h away. With our first child she came to the hospital and fell in love with it but it was weird because she was frustrated my partner was there, started nagging him and it came to a massive blowup between them while I was at the hospital. So I don't have fond memories of that time (neither of my pregnancy when she kept telling me I should abort).

I'm looking now for strategies to avoid a replay this time.

[P.F.Change]

Do you want your mother to join you at the hospital this time? Whatever makes you feel most comfortable is ok. Hospitals can help with this if you do not want visitors.

I understand what you mean about having had to be hyperaware of your mother's moods just to survive and cope. It is good that you are starting to see you can do things differently now that you are an adult. It does take some time and work to learn new behaviors, still it can definitely be done. We are here for you!

[Kwamina]

Hi again Juleol

I'm glad you've found the suggestions and links helpful

What your mother said during your first pregnancy was very hurtful and how she treated your husband was also very unpleasant.

I have difficulties to separate myself from my mother and stop feeling responsible for her feelings. I've needed to be attuned to her in the past (and even now) in order to avoid triggers and raging and protect myself from that. Now I have my own life, family and decisions to make and can't/ don't want to live in fear of consequences because she doesn't agree. The old patterns are just very hard to overcome. I was thinking about announcing it in a letter but on the other hand I'm not sure if it's the right way.

I find many aspects of what you say here very interesting. What you say here about having difficulty to separate yourself from your mother makes me think of the concept of 'emotional incest'. Are you familiar with this term and do you feel like this might apply to some of the experiences you've had with your mother?

Patricia Love, Ed.D., past president of the International Association for Marriage and Family Counseling, defines emotional incest as "a style of parenting in which parents turn to their children, not to their partners, for emotional support."  According to Love, emotionally incestuous parents may appear loving and devoted and they may spend a great deal of time with their children and lavish them with praise and material gifts - but in the final analysis, their love is not a nurturing love, it's a means to satisfy their own needs.

... .

The term "emotional incest" was coined by Kenneth Adams, Ph.D. to label the state of cross-generational bonding within a family, whereby a child becomes a surrogate spouse for their mother or father. "Emotional Enmeshment" is another term often used. And the term "emotional parentification" describes a similar concept - it describes the process of role reversal whereby a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent.

... .

In an emotionally incestuous relationship, instead of the parent meeting the needs of the child, the child is meeting the needs of the parent.

Here are some links to resources about emotional incest:

Was Part of Your Childhood Deprived by Emotional Incest?

Emotional or covert incest: discussing it and healing from it

You also talk about fear in your post. Many of our members feel that the people with BPD in their lives use things such as fear, obligation and guilt to control them. Would you say this is also true of your mother?

[Juleol]

Interesting... I'd say there is definitely some form of emotional incest there. I know she isn't happy in her marriage. They're still together though, so I'm not sure how much truth there is to it and how much she just made me believe it in order to manipulate me into being emotionally there for her in a way that is not appropriate for a child. I don't really know anymore how much of my impressions are true and what I've been manipulated into believing. Ever since I've been able to finally put a finger on it I'm so confused as to how to react to her given the situation, how to get over old patterns and especially how to stop being afraid, feeling guilty and responsible for her. I love my mother but our relationship is having such a negative impact on my life. I've started to see a therapist, but I still don't know how to stop having there negative emotions. Currently I'm overwhelmed with panic about having to announce my pregnancy to my parents nd I don't know how to deal with it.

[Mommakiwi]

Juleol,

Congratulations on your second bundle of joy!

I have to say that many things in your situation are things I have been dealing with, including a second pregnancy.

I am currently no contact with my BPD mother and nBPD, but I can assure you that was not an easy decision to come to. I also had a hard time trying to separate my own happiness from my mother's, but I found it was a huge strain on my own personal health and my marriage.

I too do not have very fond memories of my son's birth as she was in the hospital for other health issues and was offended my in-laws were there and she wasn't. I received several nasty phone calls and text messages while in recovery from an emergency c-section.

I am glad that you are seeing a therapist. That should definitely help provide you with additional tools to cope with your mother.

I wish I had some advice as to how to announce you pregnancy, but I'm in the same boat.

If you want to talk pregnant lady to pregnant lady I am happy to talk.

Good Luck!

[Maisha]

Congratulations!  I feel for you in terms of breaking the news to your mother, especially since you know that she will react with rage and insecurity.

A couple of questions to consider could be:  at this point, what do you want the most?  A peaceful/happy pregnancy?  Will your mother's reaction effectively "ruin" your pregnancy for you?  How long does her rage last?  Will be be angry for a week, or two weeks, or throughout the duration of the pregnancy?

If you can deal with a week or two of anger and then she comes around, it could be worth telling her.  Otherwise, I would advice you to put yourself first.  Do we really need to tell our BPD mother everything the minute it happens?  What if you broke the news to her later on, and if she gets angry that you never told her, just say "well mother, I didn't tell you initially because I knew you would ruin this for me".  she will deny it, of course.  But what you need now is to have a few moments of happiness to enjoy this pregnancy.