Looking to detach from someone I met online

[onlinedater1234]

I met someone on a dating app, and gained intimacy way too quickly.

We talked everyday for months, where bits and pieces of BPD traits became apparent. This mostly came in the form of dishonesty and lies of omission around people who were "just friends", but also in the way that they viewed things in black and white, and had mood swings.

Unfortunately, by the point that I put these pieces together, I had already given them information about myself like my full name and other personal information. As someone who has dated someone with BPD in the past, I realized that I was now in a tricky situation.

I have never met them in real life, but upon me trying to place boundaries on the relationship, I am getting implied threats of sharing personal conversations with people in my industry. None of these conversations were particularly egregious, but I have said certain things that, without context, could be viewed unprofessionally and politically incorrect. I'm worried about the impact that a smear campaign can have on my career, even if the messages would be from someone online, in a complete different country.

This is the main thing preventing me from just cutting off contact, but in a way it feels like I am just letting the wound fester. Would appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation and leave with my personal and professional reputation intact.

[EyesUp]

Hello onlinedater...

If I understand correctly, you've never met this person "IRL" - true?

We live in an increasingly digital time, and most/many people have experience with online communities (like this one), social media, dating, professional networking, etc. - which is to say:  Most people understand that things can go sideways in any relationship, but when an online relationship literally crosses a line into your real life without consent, almost anyone will recognize that a boundary has been violated.

Worst case scenario: If your online acquaintance says something bad about you to your "real" friends, family, colleagues (presumably via digital means and at great distance) it's pretty easy to dismiss head-on:  "we communicated online, never met IRL, have not been in touch in x weeks/months - is there a concern or something I should know?" - this conversation quickly flips the script and indicates that the problem is not with you, it's with an digital harasser... "please do me a favor, do not engage, and do not respond - sorry, it seems some people get carried away...  if you receive anything particularly concerning, please forward it to me."

In the meantime, you might try to head this off so it doesn't get to that point: Taper things off with a bit of grey-rocking. Don't inflame the situation by ghosting or engaging or responding or over sharing anything new - just politely let things dissipate...  specifically, you need to become boring - giving attention to threats is fuel for fire.  Starve the fire, don't give it more fuel.

All that said, if you know this person's identity and feel that specific threats are well documented and are being used in a coercive / abusive way, you might consider if it merits raising your concern with authorities?

Sorry you're dealing with this - good luck, and please keep us posted.

[onlinedater1234]

Hi EyesUp, thank you so much for your thoughtful response.

I did a lot of thinking last night, and reached the same conclusion. I haven't met this person online, but they have assigned me the role of "favorite person", meaning that if I don't respond to their message, the all the usual effects are present.

The person doesn't live in the same country as me, so I don't think authorities will be helpful. Starving the fire is the approach I'm going to take, as the truth is, I do have a lot of things in my personal life to take care of right now. So hopefully the tapering off will work to the point where they find someone else to take on this role, without too many dramatics.

Thanks again, I really appreciate you putting the time into the reply and sharing your wisdom.

[onlinedater1234]

**I meant to say I haven't met this person IRL. Just noticed the typo.

[SaltyDawg]

In the meantime, you might try to head this off so it doesn't get to that point: Taper things off with a bit of grey-rocking. Don't inflame the situation by ghosting or engaging or responding or over sharing anything new - just politely let things dissipate...  specifically, you need to become boring - giving attention to threats is fuel for fire.  Starve the fire, don't give it more fuel.

Hello OnLineDater1234,

   Welcome to the BPD family.  We are here to listen to you and support you emotionally.

   I must agree with EyesUp, and let the relationship cool down, and slowly become less and less interesting and 'politely let things dissipate'.  Put more and more distance between your responses to text messages.  Also make yourself too busy to be with her, and you have to attend to your job / parents / obligations / etc.

   Also, I am a repeat customer to BPD relationships, and I needed to figure out why - I have codependent traits.  You have insightfully observed that BPD is attracted to you as well, you might want to do a deep dive in this direction...

   In the meantime, I know things are stressful for you, I recommend self-care whatever that might look like for you.

Take care.

Keep coming back.

SD

[onlinedater1234]

SD, appreciate your thoughtful reply.

I will continue to keep the thread updated, and hopefully things boil over. When you say that you are a repeat customer of BPD relationships, which parts do you think are the most attractive for the person with BPD?

Personally, all my attraction dissipated once figuring out that I was being lied to and the other traits that come with BPD, but that is more cognitive. Unconsciously, the pattern was obviously still attractive for me.

[Tangled mangled]

SD, appreciate your thoughtful reply.

I will continue to keep the thread updated, and hopefully things boil over. When you say that you are a repeat customer of BPD relationships, which parts do you think are the most attractive for the person with BPD?

Personally, all my attraction dissipated once figuring out that I was being lied to and the other traits that come with BPD, but that is more cognitive. Unconsciously, the pattern was obviously still attractive for me.

#Me too
It’s so scary! Someone mentioned on YouTube that the worst thing for those of us who may be codependent is that in a room full of people, if we had to pick, we would subconsciously pick disordered persons.
I’m a female who is going through divorce with a pwbpd, but I even attract female bpd friendships.
My picker of relationships is faulty but with the amount of knowledge I have been empowered with I m able to drop these relationships like a hot rotten potato. I run in the opposite direction.
My bpd tinted lens is on whenever I meet someone new- especially at this period of my life when I am quite vulnerable.

I met a lady who accessed me through my children: it wasn’t long before she started telling lies, throwing confusion into conversations, questioning my career path, and wanted to plan Christmas for me: all within 3 weeks of meeting her. It’s difficult to make this sh8t up, they are that predictable! She made belittling comments about her husband too and the next minute he’s her hero! Massive red flags
I quickly took a break aka a little distance and she immediately started showing signs that she wasn’t happy with the distance/boundary. Started showing off using her WhatsApp profile pics , she had to go.
Yes we may get into these toxic relationships but with knowledge and experience we can avoid being stuck.

[SaltyDawg]

When you say that you are a repeat customer of BPD relationships, which parts do you think are the most attractive for the person with BPD?

Personally, all my attraction dissipated once figuring out that I was being lied to and the other traits that come with BPD, but that is more cognitive. Unconsciously, the pattern was obviously still attractive for me.

One word answer:  Codependency

Slightly more detailed answer:  I have a lot (not all) of the traits described in https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/2011-Patterns-of-Recovery-2015.pdf along with what you can do to stop them.

Most BPD's like a good listener (when that person is oversharing and a boundary should be in place, I have no such boundary, so I let them overshare - and they crave this as it gives them attention and fills their void and comforts them around their abandonment issues), a people pleaser, and love to be validated and taken care of, at an excessive level. 

I have recently developed "CRAYDAR" (a slang term for Crazy RADAR) where I can detect crazy behavior patterns that I have also learned about in the past 18 months, which includes detection of the false narratives they have to match their feelings (lies).