NC with AD for 1 1/2 years. How much longer must I wait?

[Loujaye]

I haven't posted in quite a while but I'm at a point where I truly need advice from those who have been where I am. My now 21 yo daughter went NC 17 mos ago. During that time we have spoken or texted a few times but have no relationship any longer. She has a tremendous amount of anger towards my husband and myself for something she believes we did which caused her to leave. She has used this as a reason not to communicate. She believes I am the reason for her illness and that, without me, she is fine. We both also suffer from fibromyalgia, but she manages to mask this as well. Prior to her departure we were extremely close, too close I've since come to realize. I've honored her need for space and time but I don't know if I should continue to keep myself from texting her to check in and just say hi. My therapist feels I have nothing to gain as I am just missing the idea of my daughter rather than the reality and it hurts me too much every time I do initiate contact. I just miss her so much and it is so unnatural to me as a mother not to communicate for months on end with this person I would willingly give my life for. I don't understand this and can't comprehend it. Please, some advice. I'm desperate!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

I'm sorry that you have no relationship with your daughter for such a long time.  It must be heartwrenching for you.  I had a few questions to better understand your situation, I hope you don't mind.

Have you learned any skills to have better communication with your daughter during this time away from her?

What skills are they and how do you see them having a beneficial impact on your relationship when you are able to use them with her?

What tools will you use to look after yourself if your daughter dysregulates, blames, or becomes angry with you?

I look forward to your reply.

lbj

[Loujaye]

LBJNITNX: I didn't exactly expect an answer to my plea in the form of questions about my skills in handling BPD. I have been dealing with my daughter's mental illness for almost 10 years. In the past 2 since realizing that she had BPD I have read numerous books and articles about BPD including several on and recommended by this site. I've learned about validation and boundary setting and optimal ways to speak and empathize with a Borderline. I also worked in the Mental Health field for 15 years and had many clients with BPD.

My daughter has been in a perpetual state of dysregulation, blame and anger towards me since she left. I've lived with it every day for 17 months. Some days are better than others. Lately I haven't been dealing with it so well and that's why I'm here. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Do I maintain and respect the nc or is it ok to text from tiMe to time with reminders that I'm still here and that I love her? That's all.

[lever.]

It really is very difficult. I had a shorter period of NC with my DD-and that meant not seeing my grandchildren too. The rest of the family were ready to breathe a sigh of relief at that stage-but, for me, she was still my DD and I still loved her.

I think that there is something in what your therapist says about missing the idea of your DD more than the reality-but I'm sure you want contact with the reality, however difficult that is. (And it IS very difficult when you are being blamed for everything).

This is just from my experience but I think a light touch is called for with no pressure.

Something like an e-mail "I think about you a lot and understand if you are finding it easier not to be in contact just now. I hope all is well with you.  I am always here if I can help with anything or if you just want to chat, Love Mum x"  Then I would leave it-any pressure may lead to resistance.

The likelihood is that at some stage she will be back in touch and agree with lbj that keeping on reading, studying and preparing yourself is a good idea-also building up other aspects of your life. I am sorry you are going through this-I know it hurts.

[lbjnltx]

Trying to understand how to help by learning about you and where you are on your journey of healing, self care, and the tools you already have in your tool box loujaye.

Your t is concerned that contact will be harmful to you.  Having the skills can make it possible to stay in relationship with our children and deal with the loss of our relationships.

As lever said,  a light touch, no pressure, a simple statement showing your care and concern would be the way to go.  How her response/no response affects you is your t's concern.

[thefixermom]

Hi Loujaye,  I know the heartache.    Mine has gone NC for many months at a time.  I don't have the answer for you but when I'm in that situation I go deep inside and pay attention to what my gut says.  If it says I should send a small note to help my DD know she still has connection with me if she wants or needs it, then I will do that.  Something that does not require an answer of her so that she doesn't think I'm trying to bait her into responding, even if I am!  I might say something like, "came across your stuffed animal today and made me want to let you know I'm thinking of you and hope all is well" or "I'm sorry that I haven't been the mother you wanted. I love you"... .just to soften the connection in her spirit.  Then I feel like I've done my part to keep the door open. However, if my gut tells me that I'm purely missing her for myself and that hearing from me is not what she needs right now, then I tough it out and do my level best to hand my weak moment over to God who is working on all of us all of the time and I trust the Divine to place what my DD needs in her life to become healed and whole again. Then I give thanks and look around for something joyful to do or someone uplifting to hang out with. That really helps me.    

[AVR1962]

Really try to concentrate on yourself. Your happiness, what you want from your life and what you desire for yourself. We cannot wait for our children to want to be a part of our lives, and unfortunately when they are we end up in struggling modes even then as we can't handle what is going on in their lives. Enjoy the peace, enjoy your life. I understand! Live life!