Newbie - Help for Husband

[IrisLouise]

I am posting because I am absolutely desperate to help my husband with his (undiagnosed) BPD.

At first I thought he "just" had depression but as time went on his behaviours became increasingly erratic and difficult to understand.

He went from adoring me to abusing me (never *actually* hit me) in seven months and seemed increasingly less able to cope with every day life. For instance he didn't work, take care of himself would become absolutely furious over small mishaps.

I left after over a year of abusive behaviour because I had grown frightened of him and I was fed up of being disrespected by the person who is supposed to love me most.

We had hoped to reconcile, but because of interventions by social services I cannot visit him alone with our child and he refuses to cooperate with social services.

He still believes I abandoned him and calls me a "___ wife".

What can I do to be there for him? It feels impossible.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Panda39]

Hi IrisLouise 

Welcome to the BPD Family I'm so glad you've found us.

Wow, it sounds like you have a lot going on. It sounds pretty tough how are you doing? It sounds like you are trying to help everyone but don't forget to care for yourself somewhere in there.   

I also want to say that (it sounds from your story) in your case safety should be the first priority for you and your child.  Then we can work with you regarding your husband.

Can you expand on your story a little bit?  How long have you been married?  How old is your child?  Are any of you receiving therapy?  How long have you been separated?  What happened that got Social Services involved with your family?  Have you done much reading or researching on BPD? What do you find most difficult about your relationship with your husband?

I can hear how upset you are and how much you care about your husband.  I think once we get a little more of the story we can break things down into smaller parts to work on.  We want to help.

In the box to the right are several links that you might find helpful... .maybe just start with Lesson 1 ------------------->

You are not alone.

Take Care,

Panda39

[an0ught]

Hi IrisLouise,

He went from adoring me to abusing me (never *actually* hit me) in seven months and seemed increasingly less able to cope with every day life. For instance he didn't work, take care of himself would become absolutely furious over small mishaps.

the problem with BPD is that often people suffering from it can't help themselves and adopt a behavior that is constructive. It is pretty much the root of the problem and you are certainly not alone struggling with it.

He still believes I abandoned him and... .

well, from his perspective he is right. You are not living with him at the moment and he feels left alone. The point here is not to judge you - far from it - the point is here to warn you not making matters worse by arguing his complaints. There is simple no point in doing it - it would be just invalidating. For more see: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280750.0

Right now the most important step is to educate yourself (check out Panda39's advice) on how to communicate and how to behave in a consistent manner towards him. All structure around him (and you ) has been turned over and stabilizing this situation will take time.

Did social service get involved against your will? Do you feel under time pressure?