Hi Phoebe... .and thank you for replying. BPDbf verbally lashing out at my s16 when he inadvertently interrupted a conversation between BPDbf and I... .Then when I tried to use SET to address the issue... .BPDbf tried to convince me that my children "are using me" ... .manipulative, resentful, response to my employing empathy to his "feelings"... .and his behavior only escalated to rage the more empathy I provided... .as if I were validating his "behavior" instead of his "feelings" ?
What I've learned is not to do it in the moment. My wife does not take criticism well at all, especially when triggered or in a public setting. It can go from "0-Rage" quickly. One thing that I have worked on is praising in public and correcting in private, especially dealing with pwBPD. What I've done is say, ":)/S, you interrupted our conversation and you need to apologize to your mother." That usually calms her down in that moment. Then later when she calms down, I say, "Hey, earlier, you seemed upset when our D/S interrupted. It upset me too. It is disrespectful, it's frustrating and we have taught them better." My wife (and wives in general) like to know we are behind them and value them and has gotten less triggered by taking this approach.
Recently, I was proud of my wife when my S6 broke one of her old small pieces of furniture (end table with granite top). it was an accident. I thought she was going to overreact, and honesly, I was expecting it. It wasn't super old or valuable and had been broken before, but because our D13 and he were messing around and playing (they are very close) I was expecting her to rage. He expected it too I think because he started balling and apologizing profusely. She walked over to him and said, "ML's son, are you ok?" He said, "Yes ma'am". She laid his head on her shoulders and he cried a bit and she just said, "That was old and I'm glad you are ok! Don't worry about it. I love you." I was floored and happy because in the past, that wouldn't have gone well. I realize by me staying calm in whatever situation now, it has changed her and it's these moments that are making it all worth it!
