I want a mom

[Lam7615]

My mom has BPD traits. After living in the fog for 15 years, I sought help. With significant therapy I developed firm boundaries and my relationship with her became tolerable.  It is a superficial relationship.  This is normally ok with me. I long ago stopped trying to make our relationship anything different.   I, however, just had my first child. She had some aognificant health issues and it hit me that I didn't want my mom there to comfort me.  She would make it about her somehow and just stress me out.  Instead I thought, I want a mom, not my mom but a mom. Someone who knows how to genuinely love me, without manipulation or pretending.

[Kwamina]

Hi Lam7615

Congratulations on having your first child! I am sorry though that she had health issues. How is she doing now?

I can very much relate to you wanting a genuinely loving and nurturing mom. Even after all these years I think for many of us there will always be a part inside of us that longs for the fantasy parent we never had, especially in stressful times like this.

I am glad though that you sought help and have been able to develop firm boundaries with your mother. When it comes to dealing with people with BPD traits, boundaries are very important to protect one's own well-being.

Did your mother ever get diagnosed with any disorder? Did she perhaps ever get any treatment or therapy?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Lam,

I know the sentiment of wanting a loving mother figure and my heart goes out to you.  The empiness inside from not having this is something I have carried my whole life but I am only now fully coming to appreciate the depth of the wound and how it has blighted my life.

I believe my mother is on the autistic spectrum (as am I) but the very big difference between us is that my mother is unable to display love or give physical affection or see anyone else's point of view. A few months ago, I tried to tell her what I need from her. I gave her a concrete example of something she could do to improve our relationship. I said: "It would be lovely if you would ask me how I am, once in a while". She sat and thought in silence for a while and then said: "How's your health?" From her response, I realised that she did want to try BUT she is simply unable to do even the very basic things in life. I simply wanted her to show some interest in me and in what's happening in my life.

Lifewriter

x

[Dobzhansky]

Wow -

My 16, 19, and 22 year-old daughters are on the front end of this journey.  They have already "divorced" themselves from their mother, who left us to be near her natal family in another state.  My 22 year-old who plans to marry in 2016 has looked me in the eye and said "You will be the only grandparent my children will have" as her fiancé' has lost his parents some time ago.

Thank you for your post.  You give good insight.  We will keep you in our prayers... .

[WhippingGirl]

Lam7615,

I can relate so much to the idea of "wanting a mom."  I know the pain and emptiness that comes with wanting that unconditional love and support.  I am new to leaning about BPD after a long year of pain and turmoil with my brother.  After a lot of research I discovered BPS as a possible (and probable) diagnosis for him and have come to realize that my own mother also seems to fit this personality type as well.  Ironically, after an ever-strained relationship with her, I had begun referring to her decades ago as "The Queen Mother" only to discover that this is actually a term used in the BPD world to describe a BPD mother! Imagine my surprise that she fit the bill completely?

I would like to congratulate you on the birth of your child.  I know the feelings of longing for your material parent after the birth of a child become even more intense.  I became very ill a few years ago while pregnant with my daughter.  I will spare you all the gory details but I had to deliver her suddenly a month early and then became extremely sick again after her birth.  When I was again admitted to the hospital with a fever so high it nearly killed me (amongst other conditions I was suffering from), my three day old baby at home with my SIL, my mother arrived to the hospital and took one look at me and said, "Oh my God.  We have to have you sterilized.  I can NOT handle this!"  As always, she made it about her and my own pain and suffering was null and void.  It hurt like a punch to the gut - that was a moment I needed her so much.  Since my daughters birth she has offered little to no support though I do believe that she loves my child in the best way that she can.  I am fortunate to have a MIL who is incredibly selfless and kind and has helped my family and I tremendously, but I'm sure you know - it's just not the same.

I have little in the way of helping you to deal with these feelings as I have only started on my journey of discovering and healing from the BPDs in my life; I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.  I both sympathize and empathize with all that you are dealing with.  Snuggle your little one a little closer and believe that the more you learn about all of this the better mom that you will be to HER!

[Lam7615]

My mom has not been formally diagnosed nor had any therapy. I asked her to join me in therapy about 7 years ago and she told me that she was fine but she was glad I was finally getting help for my issues.

My MIL is also wonderful, but I find I have a very hard time trusting anyone to love me unconditionally and the old guilt slips in. I still feel like I'm betraying my mom, which I'm working on.  How did you become open to someone else filling that role or deal with the guilt or sadness of it not being your mom?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Lam

In the mid 1990s, I was in tremendous pain. I had PTSD and regularly experienced emotional and other flashbacks due to rape and child sexual abuse. I hadn't had a full night sleep for 5 years. I trusted no one and had got to the point in my life when I had tried everything I could think of to make myself better and I was no better than I had ever been. I started meditating and praying as an absolute last resort. I'm not talking religion here, I'm talking of being at such a low ebb that the universal power that I call 'God' was my only remaining option. I just asked 'God' for help and went with the flow, obeying my intuition as to the changes I should make in my life. Then I met a couple on a Christian healing retreat. I felt the hand of 'God' on that meeting and so did they. They opened their house up to me. They became my 'spiritual' mum and dad. The elderly gentleman wrapped me in a blanket one time and read me stories and it felt just right. They re-parented me and they enabled me to start growing up again.

My MIL is also wonderful, but I find I have a very hard time trusting anyone to love me unconditionally and the old guilt slips in. I still feel like I'm betraying my mom, which I'm working on.  How did you become open to someone else filling that role or deal with the guilt or sadness of it not being your mom?

To me, the only way forward is through, to do it and to feel your feelings fully. Talk to a friend or a therapist about it. Post on this website. Get every last guilty feeling out. Write or talk about any dire consequences you imagine there could be for you. FEEL, FEEL, FEEL and TRUST the process of healing and have FAITH in yourself and your intuition and your ability to discern what is best for you. DO what is best for YOU even though every bone in your body may be screaming out that you are not allowed to... .write or talk about that too.

Love Lifewriter

x

[WhippingGirl]

Lam7615,

I am well aware of that standpoint that your mother took: that she is fine and that YOU have issues.  Initially I accepted that and did begin therapy in my early 20s.  It wasn't, however, until I went through a divorce to a NPD in my late 20s that I began to discover that my family (esp my mother) did have some issues that had effected me to my core.  It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized she is likely an uBPD. 

To answer your question, I haven't really allowed my MIL to take over the roll of "Mother" to me, although I appreciate her maternal efforts when it comes to me.  I still have a very hard time letting her in completely and I suppose I may never in some sort of effort to self preserve.  One thing that I had learned from my therapist years ago was that I had to accept my mother for who she was and to no longer wait for her to be the loving and supportive parent that I so desperately wanted and needed.  That has helped me a little in that I have lowered my expectations of her.  I have a close friend that I often go to for support, and my husband - while he could never fully understand - is exceptional at being my rock of support.  All in all, I am slowly accepting that I will never have "Mommy" but that other people in my life DO love me enough to care about my feelings, fears, concerns, etc. No one will ever fill the longing I have for a real mother, but realizing that I am loved enough by others to see that I should be allowed feelings is quite freeing.

This is a slow process.  I have also accepted that.  Perhaps consider reading some books and/or info online as I have found it immensely helpful in knowing that it hasn't been "me" all along that caused these issues.  It had been ingrained in me for a lifetime that I was to blame, and I am coming out of the FOG to see that it was not.  Now to work on setting boundaries that help me to protect myself for the future... .

[SunshinePuzzle]

Wow, Lam, I can so identify with this. Once again this board is proving to be so comforting in that it shows me my situation is not 'unique' or unexplainable like I used to think. There are so many of you who get it.

I think I have been in the process of letting my mom go all year. And at times it makes me weep to think about it, but then I remember that I'm mourning a mom who never existed.  I'm mourning the loss of a fantasy mom, like others here have said, one that I hoped and expected she could be one day - but she never was that person and I've only been coming to grips with the fact that she'll never be that person.

I have a lot of female friends, thankfully, many of them quite a bit older than me, and now THAT is making sense to me too. So I try to take comfort in knowing that though I may not have a "mom," I have friends who love and care about me, and at times are maternal towards me, and a MIL who is maternal toward me - - and those are things to be grateful for!

Congrats on becoming a mom, yourself.  I hope you can take comfort in friends and other family, when you feel those sadness pangs about your own mom. 

[MiserableDaughter]

Wow... .Me too...  Except when I had my child, my guy was to keep my mom away from me and the baby because everything became about her... .My husbsgd created a fb page for my son when he was like 2 weeks old... .My mom instantly says to me, how come my pictures aren't on there with him? All my friends have pictures with their grandchildren on fb! I said, mom, there are no pictures of ME and him on fb yet! She then starts crying... .

So I get it, but I've only wanted to protect my son from her... .I'm so used to walking on eggshells... .What is a real mother like?

[SunshinePuzzle]

Wow... .Me too...  Except when I had my child, my guy was to keep my mom away from me and the baby because everything became about her... .My husbsgd created a fb page for my son when he was like 2 weeks old... .My mom instantly says to me, how come my pictures aren't on there with him? All my friends have pictures with their grandchildren on fb! I said, mom, there are no pictures of ME and him on fb yet! She then starts crying... .

I'm sorry MD, that is such gross self-centered behavior from your mother - that I can sadly relate to so much. When my sister was having a risky pregnancy, she emailed her after an important ultrasound. Instead of asking how she was or how the baby's health was, my mom asked her to send the pics, and got mad when my sister said they didn't give her any... .insisting that they always give you ultrasound pics, as if my sister was lying to her (for what purpose?). She got mad at my sister and said, "I HAVE to start my Facebook album for him now!"  It's like a complete lack of empathy.

[MiserableDaughter]

Haha! Funny thing is, that's only 1 incident of the thousands! Other that pops out is my parents telling me that the baby can't tell my mom and me apart... .Then, if I stepped out of the house for a break for coffee or something and my parents were there to "help," Id come back and they would say "oh he didn't miss you at all. He doesn't even know you're gone!" Exactly what a new mom wants to hear... .I could go on and on... .I refused to let my mom stay abd "help" but just had her come maybe twice a week since she insisted on helping. Her helping was taking the baby and staring at him while I did house work... .She should have been doing the house stuff so I could focus... .This was only newborn stuff... .My son is 3 now. She is obsessed with him and so insecure about him. He's an entertaining toy to her who she wants to follow her like a puppet.

[keldubs78]

I'm sorry.  I understand.  After I had my first child, my daughter, my mom's behavior really escalated.  I remember feeling that exact same way, like, "I'm the one who just had a baby here.  It would be so nice if I could be supported by my own mom" but that wasn't possible.  A week after my daughter was born my mom stormed out of my house and ran down the street because we got into a fight because she was upset that my one-week-old daughter was crying when she held her.  "She doesn't like me," was what she was saying.  It's like, F-you, lady.  I just had a baby and you are needing me to console you and reassure you that this tiny infant LIKES YOU?  Insanity.  Her possessiveness of my daughter has continued (my daughter is almost 8).  She corners her and takes her up to her room to play just the two of them when she visits.  She constantly says to me how special their bond is.  It makes me feel like she's saying she almost has a stronger bond with her than I do, and she is DEFINITELY trying to make the point to me that she has a better bond with my daughter than she ever had with me.  I also have a 4 year old son and she paints him black and my daughter white.  My daughter is an angel and my son is the devil in her eyes.  She gets MAD at my son when he doesn't greet her properly and give her a huge hug the second she walks in the door.  She sucks.