Flipping from compassion to hate and back to compassion... maddening?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm starting to feel like someone with BPD that is painting things black and white. I'm struggling so hard to feel one way toward the pwBPD. One part of me wants to have compassion for him and I understand that somethings are beyond our subconscious control (codependency, borderline personality disorder, etc.), but the other part of me hates him with such a passion. I've been saying that if I could punch him right in the balls - now over a month since he went silent on me and ignored my final attempt to lay my heart on the line) - then I might feel better!

Where is this coming from? I'm just having a hard time accepting that the guy who made all these future promises and made me think he was on the same page as me, even reassuring me when I brought up his distance (that started happening after two months) and saying that he wasn't ready to date but really liked what we had so far and still wanted to talk... .that guy just went uncharacteristically silent for two weeks... .ignored my friendly message... .and finally ignored my message where I laid it all out there and told him I was willing to work with him (as he said he was afraid I'd leave once I saw his demons).

How can you just cut someone off like that and act so out of character after acting like you really liked where things were going? I'm just having a hard time accepting his sudden change in how he treated me. He told me he'd let me know if he didn't want to talk anymore from the beginning, then just disappears after I confront him and everything seems good.

My last message was even nice. I said if he didn't reply (he was ignoring me) that I would move on, make peace with it, and wish him the best. Is it too much to ask to have received a "I wish you the best too?"

I just wish I could pick the anger and forget about him, but my heart always swings back to feeling compassion and wanting to reach out. I've heard through the grapevine that in the last month he has severely turned to alcohol to cope and it has all of our friends talking. I was almost rendered speechless with pain when I heard this because I felt helpless. I extended my hand to that man and pretty much told him I wasn't afraid and he walked away from me and now, I get to hear that he's choosing to drink his life away?

It hurts guys. I just can't seem to pick compassion or anger. I have both and I can't seem to let it go that he just walked away from me. I think that's what keeps me stuck. Not knowing what I did to deserve that.  :'(

[misssouthernbelle]

I'm starting to feel like someone with BPD that is painting things black and white. I'm struggling so hard to feel one way toward the pwBPD. One part of me wants to have compassion for him and I understand that somethings are beyond our subconscious control (codependency, borderline personality disorder, etc.), but the other part of me hates him with such a passion. I've been saying that if I could punch him right in the balls - now over a month since he went silent on me and ignored my final attempt to lay my heart on the line) - then I might feel better!

Where is this coming from? I'm just having a hard time accepting that the guy who made all these future promises and made me think he was on the same page as me, even reassuring me when I brought up his distance (that started happening after two months) and saying that he wasn't ready to date but really liked what we had so far and still wanted to talk... .that guy just went uncharacteristically silent for two weeks... .ignored my friendly message... .and finally ignored my message where I laid it all out there and told him I was willing to work with him (as he said he was afraid I'd leave once I saw his demons).

How can you just cut someone off like that and act so out of character after acting like you really liked where things were going? I'm just having a hard time accepting his sudden change in how he treated me. He told me he'd let me know if he didn't want to talk anymore from the beginning, then just disappears after I confront him and everything seems good.

My last message was even nice. I said if he didn't reply (he was ignoring me) that I would move on, make peace with it, and wish him the best. Is it too much to ask to have received a "I wish you the best too?"

I just wish I could pick the anger and forget about him, but my heart always swings back to feeling compassion and wanting to reach out. I've heard through the grapevine that in the last month he has severely turned to alcohol to cope and it has all of our friends talking. I was almost rendered speechless with pain when I heard this because I felt helpless. I extended my hand to that man and pretty much told him I wasn't afraid and he walked away from me and now, I get to hear that he's choosing to drink his life away?

It hurts guys. I just can't seem to pick compassion or anger. I have both and I can't seem to let it go that he just walked away from me. I think that's what keeps me stuck. Not knowing what I did to deserve that.  :'(

[Learning_curve74]

Hey misssouthernbelle, sorry to hear you're feeling so conflicted. It's really easy to feel so off balance in these types of relationships. Especially when somebody you love and who supposedly loves you says one thing and does another. We tend to judge people on whether they walk the walk and put their money where their mouth is, but sometimes we short circuit our judgement when it comes to intimate relationships.

Splitting is not exclusive to BPD, many people here do it, thinking their ex is some evil force. The reality is they are most likely a mentally ill person who does good things and bad things, not necessarily a "bad person".

You say you don't know what you did to deserve him walking away from you the way he did. How is your self-worth determined by the actions of a mentally ill person? Would you take investment advice from somebody who was bankrupt?

[JQ]

MSBELLE,

First of all, YOU didn't do anything to deserve this. It's what Curve said, it's because they're mentally ill, a behavior THEY learned long before you were in the picture. They would behave this way with you, with anyone else in their life because its who they are at the core. You describe behavior that is of a behaviorally stunted person ... .like that of a 3 year old. Think about it ... .they've put YOU in a timeout because they don't want to hear what your saying ... .that you're saying good bye and like a 3 year old they're putting  their hands over their ears and saying, "naaaananaaanannaananananana ... .I can't hear you". RIGHT? 

My exBPDgf made promises to me and yet here I am living 1/2 way across the country after I moved there for her. Fear of engulfment made her push me away ... .fear of abandonment made her stay in contact with me giving me false sense of relationship to keep me close as a back up for when things went south with bf#2. She has told me as much saying that she needs to end it with him because she's not getting what she needs from him while at the same time calling and texting me ... .sexting me and wanting phone sex ... .it's the push pull ... .I love you ... .I hate you ... .don't love me.

It's been 14 days since she told me she wanted to start over. Since then 7 days she went on vacation with her kids and the last 3 days she's been at bf#2 house for the weekend so a total of 10 days of no contact, no calls, no texting.  She'll leave from his house in the morning to go to work and then back to the empty house she just bought. She won't get the girls until Friday ... .so will I hear from her this week ... .it's hard to say ... .my guess is that I will. What will I do? I don't know. Like you I've told her I was hear for her, I wasn't scared, even went to a therapy session with her. Yet she still pushed me away. She also drinks to cope with her childhood trauma ... .it's not you. I've come to learn that they've had years of some sort of abuse and they don't know how to deal with it ... .they never grew emotionally ... .they are forever stuck in the emotional world of a 3 year old so please ... .PLEASE don't beat yourself up for anything.

I understand what you're going through ... .I really do. I don't know to stay or go ... .but as more time passes ... .the more I DON'T see her ... .the MORE I don't hear from her the better I get.

YOU are responsible for yourself and NO ONE ELSE!   YOU are responsible for your happiness and NOT anyones else's. Write the following down on a piece of paper and stick it on the mirror in the bathroom, on the kitchen fridge ... ."YOU didn't CAUSE this!  YOU can't CONTROL it! YOU can't CURE it!    you'll see it all the time to remind you ... .READ IT, LEARN IT, LIVE IT!   

Come back here every day to vent, talk, chat, with people that know what you're going through.  Go to a movie, go out with the girls for lunch, a bite for dinner, go for a walk, bike ride, whatever you need to do to keep busy ... .just stay busy, talk to friends about anything ... .come back here and let us know how your doing and if you need help ... .we'll be here for you.

JQ

[Darsha500]

I'm not sure how much you've educated yourself on the disorder, but that has really helped me out in regards to depersonalizing my ex's behaviors towards me, and understanding her illogical behavior.

My mom use to constantly say to me, "I just don't understand how she could be so nice and sweet with me, and so horrible to you." I had to keep reminding her, "Mom, she has a personality disorder, stop trying to make sense of it."

If you haven't already, consider getting a book on the disorder. I read "A new hope for people with borderline personality disorder." and another that was really illuminating is called, "overcoming borderline personality disorder." This site has some great book suggestions to.

Also, I think its entirely normal to be so ambivalent. It is, its part of the grieving process. Your gonna bounce back and forth, I know I have been. The trick is, I believe, to just to allow all the emotions to wash through you, just let yourself feel them.

[gameover]

Hey @misssouthernbelle,

I'm not sure how long y'all were together, but it sounds like your pwBPD is displaying typical behavior for an 'emotionally irresponsible male.'

Trust me, I've been in his shoes before.  I never made promises, I never tried to mislead anybody, but I was a runner.  Players, BPD's, NPD's, other Avoidant Types, all display this type of behavior and for different reasons.  Whenever I ran, it was always because I felt guilt that I wouldn't be able to reciprocate the perceived emotional investment of the girl on the other end.  I basically lacked the tools to communicate effectively--or I feared that anything I said would be construed as interest.

But it sounds like you're clear on what you expect from a male.  And this guy, BPD or no, won't be able to provide it--at least not til he grows up a little bit.  With guys, you really need to screen them based off of their Actions and not their Words to avoid this type of situation.  And screen them HARD, especially if they're a smooth talker.  Some players will settle down, some won't; for me, it took a girl who didn't put up with any of my ####.

[misssouthernbelle]

Hey misssouthernbelle, sorry to hear you're feeling so conflicted. It's really easy to feel so off balance in these types of relationships. Especially when somebody you love and who supposedly loves you says one thing and does another. We tend to judge people on whether they walk the walk and put their money where their mouth is, but sometimes we short circuit our judgement when it comes to intimate relationships.

Splitting is not exclusive to BPD, many people here do it, thinking their ex is some evil force. The reality is they are most likely a mentally ill person who does good things and bad things, not necessarily a "bad person".

You say you don't know what you did to deserve him walking away from you the way he did. How is your self-worth determined by the actions of a mentally ill person? Would you take investment advice from somebody who was bankrupt?

I definitely short-circuited my judgment and I feel so guilty. This is the second or third time I've been fooled by a man with BPD.

You make a very good point. I think it's just the lonely child wanting to be loved, despite the mental illness of the love interest.

I have to love me and not doubt myself. I've got to learn.

Thank you for your insightful words!

MSBELLE,

First of all, YOU didn't do anything to deserve this. It's what Curve said, it's because they're mentally ill, a behavior THEY learned long before you were in the picture. They would behave this way with you, with anyone else in their life because its who they are at the core. You describe behavior that is of a behaviorally stunted person ... .like that of a 3 year old. Think about it ... .they've put YOU in a timeout because they don't want to hear what your saying ... .that you're saying good bye and like a 3 year old they're putting  their hands over their ears and saying, "naaaananaaanannaananananana ... .I can't hear you". RIGHT? 

... .Yet she still pushed me away. She also drinks to cope with her childhood trauma ... .it's not you. I've come to learn that they've had years of some sort of abuse and they don't know how to deal with it ... .they never grew emotionally ... .they are forever stuck in the emotional world of a 3 year old so please ... .PLEASE don't beat yourself up for anything.

I understand what you're going through ... .I really do. I don't know to stay or go ... .but as more time passes ... .the more I DON'T see her ... .the MORE I don't hear from her the better I get.

YOU are responsible for yourself and NO ONE ELSE~!   YOU are responsible for your happiness and NOT anyones else's. Write the following down on a piece of paper and stick it on the mirror in the bathroom, on the kitchen fridge ... ."YOU didn't CAUSE this~!  YOU can't CONTROL it~! YOU can't CURE it~!    you'll see it all the time to remind you ... .READ IT, LEARN IT, LIVE IT~!   

Come back here every day to vent, talk, chat, with people that know what you're going through.  Go to a movie, go out with the girls for lunch, a bite for dinner, go for a walk, bike ride, whatever you need to do to keep busy ... .just stay busy, talk to friends about anything ... .come back here and let us know how your doing and if you need help ... .we'll be here for you.

JQ

Thank you so much for the encouragement and the laugh! It is so true! They really do act like children.

I really hope I can fully absorb that mantra one day. I just seem to have trouble - I'm a very logical person - convincing myself that if I've been disappeared on like this several times by the same types of men that it's them. The common denominator is actually me. You get what I'm saying? I think that's why I blame myself. There has to be something I do, but in reality... .it's because I'm codependent.

As soon as my check comes at the end of this month (finally got my first job after graduating college this spring) I am going to join a gym and focus on being active and getting healthy. I think having a healthier self image would help me in the long run, aside from feeling better!

Thank you for your kind words and insight!

Hey @misssouthernbelle,

I'm not sure how long y'all were together, but it sounds like your pwBPD is displaying typical behavior for an 'emotionally irresponsible male.'

Trust me, I've been in his shoes before.  I never made promises, I never tried to mislead anybody, but I was a runner.  Players, BPD's, NPD's, other Avoidant Types, all display this type of behavior and for different reasons.  Whenever I ran, it was always because I felt guilt that I wouldn't be able to reciprocate the perceived emotional investment of the girl on the other end.  I basically lacked the tools to communicate effectively--or I feared that anything I said would be construed as interest.

But it sounds like you're clear on what you expect from a male.  And this guy, BPD or no, won't be able to provide it--at least not til he grows up a little bit.  With guys, you really need to screen them based off of their Actions and not their Words to avoid this type of situation.  And screen them HARD, especially if they're a smooth talker.  Some players will settle down, some won't; for me, it took a girl who didn't put up with any of my ####.

But, that's the thing... .he talked about the future. But, ya know, he would never fully commit to a date. He would always say when we were both "free." And, the one time we might have had one, he didn't mention it because he said he might have work to do after work... .yet he was texting me and our friends all night. Just kind of pissed me off. Anyways, I guess that could count for promises. He said he didn't want to make me think he was trying to waste my time and that he didn't want to hold me back, yet the next minute, he told me how much he liked me and still wanted to talk... .only to vanish. Talk about HEADSPIN.

I now find it hilarious that his ex (of 6 months) came out as a lesbian afterward. He's having a hard time with it and she's the type that's stalking him to be friends. I found out from our friends that he even disappears on them from time to time. He will go months without talking to them and spring back up when one of them initiates contact, or so. He's even a runner in his friendships. After he ___ed me over, he's been avoiding our mutual friends, as well. It just sounds like he's a host of issues.

He told me he was afraid I'd run once I saw his demons... .yet when I extended my hand, he walked away from me. I'm beginning to think all of that was a mirror.

Idk, all I know is that this "talking for two months and taking things slow" was a waste of my time and the biggest headspin I've had in a year or so. The last time this happened, I wound up in a therapist's office because I couldn't get out of bed to go to class and all I could do was sob.

At least I didn't let this get to that point and had enough self esteem to start questioning and walk away when his words and actions didn't match.

I just never expected him to so blatantly lie to me in a way... .to say you'd let me know if you didn't want to talk anymore... .then the next thing I know - after saying you still want to talk - you are disappearing?

I will drive myself crazy understanding immature, mentally-ill men.

[Learning_curve74]

I will drive myself crazy understanding immature, mentally-ill men.

This is true! If you want to have an inside understanding about why somebody does something, then you have to think like them. But the problem is they're crazy!   

And even if you do have an intellectual understanding of the underlying processes of their mental illness, how does that make your life any better?

I think it's easy to swing back and forth between compassion and anger. They were the person we loved the most, and then they become the person we feel hurt us the most. It's confusing emotionally.

What if the person we choose to love the most is ourselves? What does that relationship look like?

[JQ]

MSBELLE,

Like you I'm very logical, analytical ... .it's a reason I did so well in the military doing what I did. The issue is, that someone who has BPD isn't logical and this drove me CRA CRA!      MY exBPDgf is incredibly smart, went to a college that is extremely difficult to get into much less finish a degree in. She has two masters and is a joy to talk to about subjects that really make you think and I've enjoyed that. The condition of BPD is a learned behavior that they need to learn more than likely in order to survive as a child. Example, my exBPDgf suffered not days, weeks or months but years of sexual abuse by an older brother by 2 yrs. It started at the age of 4 or 5 & lasted until she as about 14. In addition he manipulated her with mental & emotional abuse. Her older sister physical beat, kicked her in addition to mental and emotional abuse for years. Imagine the two people your parents tell you to go to in case you need help, that they will protect you from the monsters in the world when in fact they are the monsters. I can't begin to imagine what she had to do to survive day in and day out with that abuse, the horrors that she was subject to and the emotional torture she endured. It was her amazing strength in God to ask God to forgive her trespassers that prevented her from committing suicide. That's what I'm up against ... .that's what her therapist is up against. Its going to take a lifetime of therapy and even then she'll still have issues. I know ... .I KNOW there is nothing I can do but love her, care for her but do I do that at the expense of my own mental & physical health. It's a battle wage throughout the day, everyday. Just this week I was nearly killed in an accident ... .was it a wake up call? Was it someone trying to tell me that life is short and that I'm responsible for myself and no one else?

Logic? You can throw logic right out the window when it comes to BPD ... .hang out with 3 year olds a couple days a week and learn their logic.    It will make you question the most simple things ... .If an orange that you eat is orange & you call it orange ... .why don't they call a banana yellow?   

Have an awesome week ... .

Jq