Has anyone healed from Codependency and fallen "in love" with a Non-BPD?

[valueachild]

I ended my 6 year relationship with who I thought was the "love of my life" and within 3 months of our breakup know beyond a doubt that he has BPD.  I'm in my early 50s and now realize the men in my life have all been emotionally unavailable abusive BPD.  It's now a jaw dropping moment for me and I want to heal.  Has anyone healed from being a codependent and found love that was healthy?  As much as I love my ex, he suffered from so much shame and self-esteem that I found out he had "another life" and was actually seeing a counselor and struggled with a relationship with a "married woman" throughout my relationship with him!  He did so in order to survive "abandonment" and having one on the side if we didn't make it and I also believe she existed in his mind in order to secure energy "outside" our relationship because he feared engulfment and being smothered.  I want an emotionally available relationship with someone who can be emotionally intimate with me.  Is this possible?  Has anyone succeeded?  I've downloaded a dozen books on my kindle from "Facing Love addiction" to Ross Rosenberg's book The Human Magnet Syndrome to I Hate you Don't Leave Me.  I would be so grateful to hear from anyone who has survived and found happiness beyond this horrible destructive disorder as a result of child abuse and neglect!

[Herodias]

I can tell you that I have always had bad men in my life as well... .not all BPD, but one jealous type, one sex addict, one manic/depressive, one drug addict and now the alcoholic BPD. I feel like this last one has really made me finally look at my choices for once and my poor self esteem. I will watch for red flags and get out before I get too hooked. I do not want to be so in love with someone so wrong for me again. I am older and wiser... .I have not been ready to date quite yet, but for me church has helped because for the first time I am listening to sermons on what you should expect from other people, how to know when they are truly sorry for their actions and how following  basic commandments form the best marriages. I was never "perfect" myself, so I didn't feel worthy of anyone any better I suppose. I always chose people to fix, thinking they would stay... .but once they were doing well... .they didn't "need" me any more. At least I have the satisfaction with my husband that he is going down hill fast and it was me keeping him afloat. I forgive him because I know he does not understand the consequences for his actions that run so deep... .I know now that I am a good person worthy of a trustworthy nice person in my life... .Just hoping it will not take a long time to find him. You need to look within yourself. Someone here told me that I need to stop blaming the abuser and blame myself for accepting the abuse. That makes sense to me now. Good luck in your pursuit of happiness... .

[valueachild]

Thankyou for your reply. I don't feel so alone knowing there are others like me.  It sounds like there are as many men here as women. I too was brought up in church but feel like being a Christian doesn't make one an emotionally healthy person, just one who has a faith and hope.  I have found that many Christians can be more mentally ill than the general population because they hide behind religion... .That's just me. I was a preachers daughter and my mother Is a narcissist who regularly abused me which is why I've had a lifelong problem with attachment and men!

[Thread]

I'm 30 and also just realized a good portion of my relationships have been with BPD individuals now knowing what it is. My HBPD is less severe than the other possible three ex boyfriends.

I also was raised very Christian and consider myself to still be religious and a believer of Jesus and God. But like you feel being Christian does not make a world of better. Sometimes it's a place to hide or a place to feel validated for righteousness. This is my difficulty of leaving. Through sickness and health right? Good and bad?

I have dated two normal Individuals, possible ADD or ADHD issues, those relationships didn't work for educational or career moves.  

I also feel I have codependent issues. I also believe my mother and sister to show signs of BPD and my sister with a mix of BPD/Narcissism. Both high functioning. Like my HBPD who is high functioning.

My current therapist explains that we tend to date and or marry the issues we had with our immediste family members who were the most influential on us - not the ones we liked the most perse, but the ones we sought approval from.

This has been very true in my case. I'm married to my mother and sister. Nothing is ever good enough or will ever be what I say it is. I am always wrong or lying/overexaggerating. My accomplishments are unnoticed or minimally acknowledged - and if he or they helped me accomplish something it's because he or they did most of to all of the work. Everything revolves around them/him.

I didn't realize these things until looking deep inside of myself and my upbringing in therapy. I'm clearly still in my marriage, but I do hope there is a light at the end of your tunnel!  

It's hard to break the chains. Sometimes we don't notice the red flags when we have been accustomed to loving and living in it the majority of the beginning of our lives.