Anxiety about future contact

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I struggle with the idea of my Ex contacting me. It has been over 3 weeks NC this go around.

This anxiety that sits in the background about the IM, text, or email that could show up at anytime. Will be be the whoa is me or one of the nasty ones? What will I do?

Then there is this other feeling. Why hasn't she contacted me yet? Am I that easy to forget? So 21 years of knowing each other didn't mean anything? Am I getting the silent treatment because I haven't made contact?

Still another feeling. Why do I care? Why can't I just let go? There was so much pain in the realtionship. It's like by thinking about all the possibilities, the what if's, I am somehow preparing myself that day which may or may not happen.

Seems like when there is contact I go back into Funk again. Like all the progess I make is just washed away. Right back to sqaure one.

It is hard enough breaking up and moving on, but this stuff drives a person crazy.

How do you let go of this insanity? Does it ever get easier?

[twanda2020]

I struggle with the idea of my Ex contacting me. It has been over 3 weeks NC this go around.

This anxiety that sits in the background about the IM, text, or email that could show up at anytime. Will be be the whoa is me or one of the nasty ones? What will I do?

Then there is this other feeling. Why hasn't she contacted me yet? Am I that easy to forget? So 21 years of knowing each other didn't mean anything? Am I getting the silent treatment because I haven't made contact?

Still another feeling. Why do I care? Why can't I just let go? There was so much pain in the realtionship. It's like by thinking about all the possibilities, the what if's, I am somehow preparing myself that day which may or may not happen.

Seems like when there is contact I go back into Funk again. Like all the progess I make is just washed away. Right back to sqaure one.

It is hard enough breaking up and moving on, but this stuff drives a person crazy.

How do you let go of this insanity? Does it ever get easier?

[scgator]

I struggle with the idea of my Ex contacting me. It has been over 3 weeks NC this go around.

This anxiety that sits in the background about the IM, text, or email that could show up at anytime. Will be be the whoa is me or one of the nasty ones? What will I do?

Then there is this other feeling. Why hasn't she contacted me yet? Am I that easy to forget? So 21 years of knowing each other didn't mean anything? Am I getting the silent treatment because I haven't made contact?

Still another feeling. Why do I care? Why can't I just let go? There was so much pain in the realtionship. It's like by thinking about all the possibilities, the what if's, I am somehow preparing myself that day which may or may not happen.

Seems like when there is contact I go back into Funk again. Like all the progess I make is just washed away. Right back to sqaure one.

It is hard enough breaking up and moving on, but this stuff drives a person crazy.

How do you let go of this insanity? Does it ever get easier?

Yep, I feel ya. I have had several lightbulb moments since moving out of my ex's place - ones that would seemingly make a normal person realize that running for the hills would be best for me. I did this, thankfully. I read about people dealing with this kind of life for years and decades and am thankful it was only 9 or 10 months for me - Yet here I am, thinking of her constantly. Thinking of the same "possibilities, the what if's." Literally, when my phone's text notification would go off I would get chills or some other physical reaction. I felt like Pavlov's dog.

I know somewhere inside that this is addiction calling. I know that if my child were to tell me their s/o did these things to them I would do all I could to make sure they understood they deserve better. Why is it so hard for me to believe it when I tell myself this? Is it a result of the gaslighting? The push/pull, ideation/devaluation? I think we all ask ourselves the same question and who knows if the answer is the same or not. Hopefully time will help. I've done the introspection and understand how I got here and am taking steps to deal with the childhood issues that led me to believe that abusive neediness was love. But wow, is it ever hard to put her out of my mind. It's hard not to think about the possibilities and what ifs - they seem endless.

At the same time, I guess that's a two-sided coin. What if I would have gotten her a ring and married her? What if she had lied about not being able to have kids and there would have been an accidental pregnancy? What if she would have come to my office and destroyed me and my career as she threatened? What if she would have tried to kill me or herself as she threatened? What if I hadn't have left when she kicked me out, my anxiety had already led to losing 15+ lbs in a month or so. And one more that has more to do with me than the relationship: what if I had continued to go through life without ever addressing the wounds from my childhood?

So there are definitely things to be thankful for. Those things just seem to get pushed aside though when she's on my mind. It's crazy (for lack of a better term) how we ended up where we are.

Stay strong, keep posting on here if it helps, journal, heck, write emails/texts/letters to her and just don't send them. I do all of them and they seem to help. I hope the healing work + time will help too.

[twanda2020]

Thanks for the words of encouragement scgator.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I am working on me, trying to understand how, why, I would be in a relationship like this and especially for so long and why would I miss it. Some days, like today, are much harder then others.

Today I seem to have a lot of questions and doubts. Wishing I could just let go, really let go. I know it's a process and there will be a lot of letting goes.

I haven't started journaling yet. I am sort of afraid too. I have this feeling that when I do it will be this emotional flood all over the paper. I know this could be a good thing, maybe even help me with the letting go.

I also need to start writing down or really thinking about what I want. What doI enjoy doing? What makes me happy? What kind of person do I want to be with? What kind of social life do I want? All those questions... .I am single for the first time in 2 decades. I can do whatever I want. Only apporval I need is my own. It's weird how this is scary. What am I scared of? I have no idea. I guess the unknown, being in place I haven't been before.

[twanda2020]

One other thing racing through my mind is hoping, wanting her to be suffering like I am. Guess is she isn't especially since she has a shiny new toy (replacement #2) who gave her a place to live. Maybe I am a little angry today also. Anyway, I know this isn't right and I don't think I really want her to be suffering. Just seems so unfair that I am spending my time trying to better myself, figure out things, and learn to be happy on my own. Not ready to just jump into a relationship, wanting to be heathy so I don't make the same mistakes. I know all these things will lead me down a much better peaceful path. Yet here she is living it up probably telling everyone on FB how frickin happy she is and how wonderful life is, even tough just a few months ago she was still talking about suicide. Ugh! I need to stop trying to understand seomthing that can't be understood.

[Schermarhorn]

One other thing racing through my mind is hoping, wanting her to be suffering like I am. Guess is she isn't especially since she has a shiny new toy (replacement #2) who gave her a place to live. Maybe I am a little angry today also. Anyway, I know this isn't right and I don't think I really want her to be suffering. Just seems so unfair that I am spending my time trying to better myself, figure out things, and learn to be happy on my own. Not ready to just jump into a relationship, wanting to be heathy so I don't make the same mistakes. I know all these things will lead me down a much better peaceful path. Yet here she is living it up probably telling everyone on FB how frickin happy she is and how wonderful life is, even tough just a few months ago she was still talking about suicide. Ugh! I need to stop trying to understand seomthing that can't be understood.

She's always sufferering.

The pain you feel is temporary, the pain she has is permanent, unless she seeks treatment.

[scgator]

Thanks for the words of encouragement scgator.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I am working on me, trying to understand how, why, I would be in a relationship like this and especially for so long and why would I miss it. Some days, like today, are much harder then others.

Today I seem to have a lot of questions and doubts. Wishing I could just let go, really let go. I know it's a process and there will be a lot of letting goes.

I haven't started journaling yet. I am sort of afraid too. I have this feeling that when I do it will be this emotional flood all over the paper. I know this could be a good thing, maybe even help me with the letting go.

I also need to start writing down or really thinking about what I want. What doI enjoy doing? What makes me happy? What kind of person do I want to be with? What kind of social life do I want? All those questions... .I am single for the first time in 2 decades. I can do whatever I want. Only apporval I need is my own. It's weird how this is scary. What am I scared of? I have no idea. I guess the unknown, being in place I haven't been before.

I can relate to many of your points. While my relationship didn't last long compared to others this has opened the door to my own personal issues. I'm staring them in the face and much of it is based on fear. I don't have a lot of friends in this area, just business associates. Now I have to look at my life and decide what I want out of it, minus a relationship. It's scary to be in such a foreign place but there's a part of me that is so glad to be here. Now I just have to overcome the fear. I've already reached out to a couple of buddies and said we need to get out more, at least 3x month to shoot some pool and just hang out. They're down and we're hanging out this Thursday to start so all in all I'll focus on the positive and say good for me for leaving, good for me for staying away, good for me for reaching out to some friends and making plans to get out.

It all starts small. Just baby step after baby step. I'm there with you, I think we all are in some way or another. I for one am glad I found this site.

And yes, I'd say write it all down even if it's a flood. In the beginning what I had to do to help myself was to reply to her texts - just not to her. I typed my responses for me in a note app. It wouldn't matter to send them to her - she didn't listen when I was living with her and the love her life, why would she listen now that I'm the evil one who did all this to her?

Hang in there and reach out if you need to vent, get insight or want help. I know I will.

[twanda2020]

Nonya24 - I know you are right. She was never happy in all the years I have known her. She had moments of happiness I am pretty sure. It just never lasted. She is incapable of letting go of anything that hurt her or she feels hurt her. Every pain was a personal attack for her.

I know it's my own self-esteem that is super low right now and is what is causing these unhealthy thoughts. That whole why am I not good enough? Why couldn't I make her happy and the replacement can? Why is it that I have always been there for her, but it was never enough or never seemed good enough? I know I need to let go of these thoughts.

Being able to just get these things out (say them, even if not the best thoughts) is very helpful and having people who really understand is a life saver.

Thanks!

[Schermarhorn]

Nonya24 - I know you are right. She was never happy in all the years I have known her. She had moments of happiness I am pretty sure. It just never lasted. She is incapable of letting go of anything that hurt her or she feels hurt her. Every pain was a personal attack for her.

I know it's my own self-esteem that is super low right now and is what is causing these unhealthy thoughts. That whole why am I not good enough? Why couldn't I make her happy and the replacement can? Why is it that I have always been there for her, but it was never enough or never seemed good enough? I know I need to let go of these thoughts.

Being able to just get these things out (say them, even if not the best thoughts) is very helpful and having people who really understand is a life saver.

Thanks!

They are not unhealthy thoughts, you are grieving. I still have those thoughts from time to time as well.

When I was replaced, I thought the same thing. Why am I not good enough? Then about a month later they broke up. The same cycle will repeat, the same thing is going to happen to him.

You are going to be fine, just make sure to take time to process everything. That is what seperates us from them.

[Loosestrife]

I can relate to the dred of the 'ping' ... .I've  written several messages to my ex today and sent them to a friend instead who kindly reminded me that I sound desperate and need to regain some dignity as I deserve better. I think journalling helps get it out of your head, even if just for that moment. I am forcing myself to be sociable and then I am lonely when I get home. It's hard but I still think the leaving board is a happier place then the staying board - well that's what I keep telling myself to keep me going anyway. Imagine another 21 years of the same r/s and them imagine where could you be with a fresh start?

[Michelle27]

I have anxiety too over future contact.  Since my separation I had very limited contact, at least in person.  That started 5 months ago, and I made the decision about 6 weeks ago that I couldn't wait any longer and hope for changes that weren't being made (but promised).  And since then I discovered some huge lies (like telling me he used to be a pilot, including 15 years of pilot stories to back him up... .and it turns out no, he never was a pilot) I am even more afraid of him than I ever was, even the years I carried around a bag of clothing in case I had to flee at night and I did at least 2 dozen times.  But we share a child, so unfortunately, I will be having to have contact. 

[twanda2020]

There is one other underlying issue for me. It's this constant waiting for something to happen, be direct contact or indirect. It's like I can't completely let my guard down. I know how crazy my Ex can get and you never know when, where, or why she might do something.

I changed the locks on the house when she moved out. I knew I couldn't trust her to respect my request to not be in the house without me there. I also knew that asking for the key back would be a trigger and she would go into a rage and I woudn't get the key back. I still got the rage because sure enough she showed up when I was gone and tried to get in. She didn't get into take whatever she thought was hers (which was everything for the most part). Funny thing is I let her take more then I should have and I helped her move, before the changing of the locks. Boy I was painted as black as you could for that one.

Another example of her showing up to the house was a few weeks ago. She brought back somethings and left them outside of my house. These were things I didn't ask her to bring back and really didn't need to be brought back. Could be she didn't need or have room in her new place with replacement #2 or I wonder if she was trying to get a reaction out of me? I did no break NC. I had a reaction and it was that is childish, just sell the stuff (she needs the money) or throw it way.

I feel like the moment I let myself feel like everything is going to be alright the bottom is going to drop out on me. I know I shouldn't stress over things that haven't and may not happen, but it's hard. I am so programed to keep myself prepared for chaos.

It would be nice to be able to just breath and not feel this dark shadow looming over me all the time.