So exhausting...

[FullMetal]

I just can't even... .

Ok, Right now I'm at work... .my dBPDw is experiencing pain, similar pain to a previous time when she was hospitalized... .I first offer sympathy and ask her if she wants to go into the ER.  She says no it's ok, I'll be ok.  So I offer her support and just "be there" for her, as that is what she has asked me to do... .She keeps commenting on the pain and how it's as bad as it was when she went in last time... .I again ask her if she wants to go in now.  She dances around the question... .  I offer to come home early to take her in.  She says she'll just lie down... .but complains about how bad the pain is and that it's as bad as the time she had to go in. 

I tell her if it's as bad as last time you need to go in.  That's what the doctor said.  She said just call me when you're off work...

I know this is going to come bite me in the ass that "I never listen to her"  even though she is not listening to me... .I tried to just "be there" for her, like she always says she wants.   But that's not good enough.  I try to help only to get shut down... .I know this isn't just her BPD right now, but it's frustrating that nothing I do is good enough... .she just wants to complain, and I can't even just let her complain since that's not what she wants... .and knowing I'll end up being painted black for this no matter what I do, "always trying to fix things that aren't broken" or "not being there for me" or "I could have died if I didn't get to the hospital"  all of these things are potential endgames for this right now, and none are appealing.  and none are true... .  and it's exhausting... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Circle]

Metal,

You can keep trying to work with a mentally ill individual and hope that they will change. And go through endless cycles of exasperation.

Or, you can accept that this person is mentally ill, and the best you can do is like the lessons at right say;

notice #4 and #5.

It doesn't get much better than that. #4; Surviving confrontation and disrespect. Note-this is not "Thriving". It is "Surviving". Two different things entirely. One, is where you live in a democracy, have the freedom to choose what you don't want to do, and who you don't want to deal with. The second, is where you are trapped in an apocalyptic situation, like "The Walking Dead" tv series. In a survival situation, you have no choice. Your freedom is limited to the length of time you live, unless you are trapped. Are you in a zombie apocalypse? Or are you free to do as you wish; including not tolerating b.s. from other people? If you are free, you will decide what you can stand for, and what you CAN'T stand for. For example, not tolerating being yelled at-and walking away if it happens.

#5 Finding inner strength and hope. This does not mean finding inner strength and hope in a pwBPD. It means finding inner strength and hope in YOU and the SANE people in your life. Because this pwBPD is depleting your energy-not giving it to you. The second you think you can hope, your hopes get crushed. Over and Over again. How long can you deal with that? The person you can depend on isn't your pwBPD. It's the other SANE people in your life, whoever they are, including yourself.

See this person for what they are. Decide what you will and will not tolerate. Figure out what you will do if they do something you will not tolerate. And, if they do it, take action. Otherwise you are their pawn, slave, victim, or whatever else you want to call it.

And that's not Full Metal. Full Metal is Freedom!

[introvert]

"There’s no such thing as a painless lesson. They just don’t exist. Sacrifices are necessary. You can’t gain anything without losing something first although if you can endure that pain and walk away from it, you’ll find that you now have a heart strong enough to overcome any obstacle. Yeah, a heart made fullmetal."

-Edward Elric

[thisagain]

What do you say when you're offering support and being there for her? Obviously painting you black is wrong, and you clearly care and want to help. And I'm not sure what her situation is, but I do know that it's well-known among women with chronic pain that husbands have a lot of trouble validating instead of trying to fix.

I have a painful disability and I usually want my partner to say something like "I'm sorry you're in pain, that sucks, let me know if there's anything I can do to help." Men often want to fix problems and can't accept that there might not be a solution to the problem. That could be what's going on with you and the ER. The ER doctor will often say "if it happens again come back" as a kind of catch-all response when they don't know what else to do. So if she went to the ER before and it didn't help, it makes sense to me that she wouldn't want to go again.

This reminded me of this lesson and the part about asking how she'd like you to help: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=168004.msg11986938

After she says no to the ER once, continuing to talk about the pain is probably not an invitation to suggest ER again. It could just be that she's in too much pain to talk about anything else and hasn't figured out that incessant complaining is annoying.

There also might be some BPD stuff going on, like maybe she's more comfortable in the woe-is-me role and so she won't do something that actually COULD solve her problem. Or she could be unwilling/unable to face what's going on so she's projecting her feelings about it onto you. Like instead of acknowledging that her bad feelings are coming from something unknown and scary inside her body that is hurting her, she blames the bad feelings on you. If that's possible, it could help to try to validate the underlying feeling that it's really scary to be in pain and not know why it's happening or how to make it better.

It's tough to be a partner of anyone with this kind of medical problem, let alone someone with BPD on top of it. Take care of yourself!

[SurfNTurf]

I love Circles post, it made alot of sense to me.

I dont want to derail this thread, but have a question. How is it we cannot "depend" on our pwBPD, but everyone else seemingly can?