True healing from BPD abuse

[Pina colada]

My sister is dBPD. I am currently NC.

I have read many books, articles, and stories from this site.  They have all helped me understand why my sister is the way that she is.  It does help to know how their brain works and try and make sense out of the crazy behavior she displays.  

My question is regarding healing. Out mom passed away years ago, and while mom was alive, she was my sisters main target.  Ever since mom passed, I am my sisters target.  

In healing, is Radical Acceptance really only the tool we can use?  

I am extremely busy these days and that helps too. While I understand why she does what she does, how do I help to get her out of the space she has rented in my brain?  Or do I truly just accept what I can not change.  

Any good books on healing will be appreciated too!  Thank you.

[Skip]

One of the best resources we have is in the right margin of this page - the Survivors Guide.  Click on any description and you will get a pop-up with a chapter.

Of the 21 steps, where do you think you are (consistently)?

Also, no contact is a bridge, not a solution.  It is a bridge to detaching. The idea is to create enough space (typically temporary) to get ourselves to baseline.

I assume, as an adult, your sister is not in a position to materially abuse you (physical, sexual, financial). Even it that happened in the past, it is not happening now.

It might help to take an inventory of what she is doing to hurt you now that really matters. Don't pack it all into a box called abuse - separate it out into the very things she does. Forget about annoying and petty things, and only list the significant threats she poses to you.

It is re-injuring to us to keep saying "she abuses me".  Its better to say, she hasn't paid back the loan".  Coming to peace with an unpaid loan is a smaller, achievable goal.

You may find that this will make the problem and solutions easier to see.

[Pina colada]

Skip thank you.  I read the survivors guide to abuse.  I need some time to think about my words, to say what I want to say in the way you suggest.  I am going to think hard on this.  I am especially stuck in my thoughts on NC, at least in my situation.  I will reply when it all comes together.  Thank you for provoking thought!

[Pina colada]

I feel I between 8 and 9.  I think I have spent so much time trying to understand why my sister is how she is that I neglected to work on myself.  The NC has helped, and bridge or not, it has to remain NC for now.  I am afraid my sister just does not fight fair and I am no match for her.  My life is finally in a good place as far as health, happiness and awesome kids are concerned so I will work through the mourning phases of the survivors guide and on to healing.  Thank you!

[Kwamina]

Hi Pina colada

Thanks for sharing your story with us and welcome to bpdfamily

Having a family-member with BPD isn't easy and can often really take its toll on you.

I feel I between 8 and 9.  I think I have spent so much time trying to understand why my sister is how she is that I neglected to work on myself.

This is often how it goes when you have a family-member with this disorder. As a result of their behavior, you almost automatically start focusing on them while forgetting to take care of yourself. It's often difficult to understand why someone with BPD does the things he or she does. What might help is to consider that more often then not, the negative things your family-member says or does really have nothing to do with who you really are at all. Most likely it's just a reflection of their own inner turmoil, negativity and insecurities.

Do you feel like you've truly been able to accept the fact your sister has BPD and what this means for the relationships she's able to have with people? And do you feel like your sister in any way has ever acknowledged that there might be something wrong with her behavior?

How hard as it can be to accept, we can't change our BPD relatives if they are unwilling to change. What we can do is control and change our own behavior and by doing that we are able to change the dynamics of our relationships, regardless of whether the other person changes or not.

 The NC has helped, and bridge or not, it has to remain NC for now.  I am afraid my sister just does not fight fair and I am no match for her.  My life is finally in a good place as far as health, happiness and awesome kids are concerned so I will work through the mourning phases of the survivors guide and on to healing.  Thank you!

I am glad you are feeling better now health wise and have awesome kids too The Survivors' guide really is a very helpful tool to determine where you are in your healing. It helps take you from survivor to thriver. This isn't necessarily a linear process. Often we'll find ourselves working on multiple steps at once and periodically revisiting certain steps we had already been on before. You could say that the healing process is often layered, as one layer is removed we also uncover new things about ourselves which may lead us to revisit certain steps.

You say you currently feel between step 8 and 9 of the survivors' guide. What would you say are the most significant problem areas that you've been able to identify in your adult life? And which parts of yourself do you feel are connected to self-sabotaging behaviors?

Take care

[Pina colada]

Do you feel like you've truly been able to accept the fact your sister has BPD and what this means for the relationships she's able to have with people? And do you feel like your sister in any way has ever acknowledged that there might be something wrong with her behavior?


Hi and thanks!  I do feel I've accepted she has BPD.  She is the one whom shared her diagnosis but now she says she does not and never was diagnosed with BPD.  I don't feel she has ever truly taken responsibility for her behavior, or even acknowledged all she has put our family through but that is probably, at this point, irrelevant.  I feel I have spent enough time and energy reading about BPD and not enough focusing on my behavior.  It is time to accept that she is what she is and I can only control myself and move on.  I agree Kwamina that energy is best spent on myself and my family as those are the people in my life.  I have been lucky to have so much support from immediate family as well as reconnecting with cousins and family I had never met!  I am blessed and I think I can move onto 13 and 14 as I don't have real anger issues.  I really don't think 11 and 12 pertain to me as I have been in therapy and evolved... .ALOT!  My biggest problem has been accepting others with BPD/NPD in my life as it has a familiar comfort.  Of course through therapy I have thrown out the trash so to speak... .I refer to toxic friends with that.  It will always be a struggle but I know now it is time to focus on my inner peace and accept others as they are or not accept them.  I can control whom I choose to have in my life!