Still can't get over my ex with BPD

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Hi,  I'm new to all this and have only just figured out my ex girlfriend definitely had Bpd,  it's been 3 month now sense we split and she wanted NC,  sense then she has slept with her best friends bf,  dated a guy 12 years younger than her and now is seeing someone else,  I can't stop thinking about her and it is slowly killing me,  I can't stop thinking about everything that's happened,  I know I'm still hanging on to her,  she was a gorgeous girl in every way and I'm very attracted to her I know the relationship was toxic and I now realise that I am normal and understanding that her putting me down all the time and twisting things is just a trait of the BPD,  but I simply cannot get over her I don't know where to start with help,  I'm seeing a professional shrink to help me,  I still have my got anywhere all I do all day is think about and what and who she is doing,  it seems everything we ever spoke about never ment anything and it hurts so bad,  I feel ill all the time I can't function with out her in my life,  please if anyone can help me out where to start I would really appreciate it,  we have been together 6 years and she has a little 13 yo boy now 7 when we met that I'm not aloud to spend time with or anything,  this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do,  please help me I'm desperate,  I don't want to get back together I just want to move on with me life I'm just stuck,  thank you for reading and hopefully helping me... .

[helpmewithbpd]

Hi,  I'm new to all this and have only just figured out my ex girlfriend definitely had Bpd,  it's been 3 month now sense we split and she wanted NC,  sense then she has slept with her best friends bf,  dated a guy 12 years younger than her and now is seeing someone else,  I can't stop thinking about her and it is slowly killing me,  I can't stop thinking about everything that's happened,  I know I'm still hanging on to her,  she was a gorgeous girl in every way and I'm very attracted to her I know the relationship was toxic and I now realise that I am normal and understanding that her putting me down all the time and twisting things is just a trait of the BPD,  but I simply cannot get over her I don't know where to start with help,  I'm seeing a professional shrink to help me,  I still have my got anywhere all I do all day is think about and what and who she is doing,  it seems everything we ever spoke about never ment anything and it hurts so bad,  I feel ill all the time I can't function with out her in my life,  please if anyone can help me out where to start I would really appreciate it,  we have been together 6 years and she has a little 13 yo boy now 7 when we met that I'm not aloud to spend time with or anything,  this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do,  please help me I'm desperate,  I don't want to get back together I just want to move on with me life I'm just stuck,  thank you for reading and hopefully helping me... .

[rotiroti]

Welcome helpmewithBPD, a b/u with a pwBPD is one of the most difficult things to do and I'm really glad that you reached out here and have also started seeing a psychiatrist. These two are the catalyst that really got my healing started. Give yourself credit for taking the first step to taking care of you.

What would life look like for you if this relationship had worked out? You saw all of the abuse and it's obvious from the writing that you did not enjoy it. In short - you are in for a very long and painful journey if you go back to her. It is not up to you to "fix" her. You are not meant to be her savior. You have yourself to take care of. You have enough challenges in life to keep yourself occupied. You do not need the added stress that this disorder WILL bring you.

The uncertainty you feel right now is a bit uneasy and uncomfortable. You probably feel sad and miss her. You probably have told yourself a few times that you are "strong". You can help her work through this. That you "love" her and she "loves" you. You have probably felt that if you could be with her that she will feel better. It's nice to make people feel better. That makes you a good guy right? She will get over this and she will look at you with those sad and resentful eyes. She will be wholeheartedly appreciative that you are there for her and you love her enough to be there. You are such a wonderful guy... .thank you! You will be rewarded with the kind of adoration that made you fall for her in the first place. The world will be a wonderful place... .until next time.

Until the next time that you ask her an innocent question and in her reality you have stepped over the line. In her head, you think that she is doing something the wrong way. In her reality, you have been growing a hate for her inside of you and you want nothing more than to shame her or put her down or use her for your own gratification. In her reality, you have said something hurtful. You have left her alone and exposed to the evil in this world. You have judged her unworthy. You are trying to hurt her and she will not let that happen. She will strike first (as it sounds like she did this time). Because that is how she has learned to survive. She will hurt you before you can continue to hurt her. She will stare into your soul and tell you that you are evil. And all of this because you asked the wrong question at the wrong time. In your reality you were being normal, thoughtful and loving. At least that's how you think you were acting. But something way deep down. A little tiny voice. A murmur of something. You hear it say: Maybe you were wrong helpmewithBPD. Maybe that was harsh. Maybe you are just grumpy. Maybe you SHOULD be sorry.

At first, you argue with her. You tell her that you didn't mean anything by it. You try and calm her down. If only she would be quiet for a moment so you can explain. She will understand you then right? She will know that it is silly to be mad at you. Then you might get angry because you can't seem to get your point across. Maybe you decide to tell her she is a real ___. Maybe you try and hold her and she pushes you away and screams. It doesn't matter what you said now. You have forgotten why this started. It didn't make sense in the first place anyway.

You wait. Time seems to make this crazy stop. Time brings about the good times again. You heal up... .on the outside. You get back to sharing life with her. She loves you. You love her. You f*ck. You eat. You both laugh. She is really beautiful. She adores you. She tells you that she never wants to lose you. Ever. Maybe she says she is sorry for the way she acted. She will try harder.

Then a few years go by. Sure, you had lots of rough patches over the last couple of years. But maybe if you guys live together that would give you more time to help her figure her out. Perhaps you have spent some time learning about why she is who she is. Maybe that upsets you. Maybe you think you are doing okay with all of this. You feel strong still. You have overcome some reallyed up after all. And you really lover her. She really needs you. And she $#%! like her pussy is going on a holiday. Besides, things have been really good. Your new job is da bomb. You can afford that new car you want and you can take your girl away for a week. Ya. That will be good for her. You will treat her so good. How could she ever think badly of you again. After all, you're a good guy helpmewithBPD. How could she not see this? She is growing up too right?

One day you are at work. She sends you a text message. You are so busy that you have not had a chance to even look at your phone. When you finally get a chance you see you have like 15 txts from her. Holy #@$%! What could be wrong? You start scanning through them. You realize she is in full panic mode. You can see the progression of crazy coming through. She has gone from: "Can you grab some pizza for dinner tonight? XOXO" to "You are aing ass that cares only about your self and thoseing whores you work with." And she has made this progression with absolutely no help from you. She has gone from your lovely SO all the way up the scale to seething mad, head case in a matter of 45 minutes. And you have done NOTHING to deserve this. You have done NOTHING to make her think about you this way. Your heart sinks into your stomach now. You have just remembered that you left your prized collection of mini dwarf statues unlocked. You remember that she picked one up and smashed it on the ground 6 months ago because she thought you were aing prick because you fell asleep on the couch instead of going to bed with her. Your stomach tenses up. You feel a weird flutter in your chest. It hurts a bit. But you dismiss it. You hope she gets over her rage before you get home. You hope she hasn't broken your stuff.

You come home one day. You two have not been talking a lot. You guys just went out for dinner 2 weeks ago to celebrate being together for 6 years. You haven't married yet. You were going to a few years back. But she got scared. went down. It never took place. It was too stressful. It scared her. You lost a bunch of money on deposits for the reception hall. She threw the engagement ring in the river. That's OK though helpmewithBPD. You have forgiven her. Your a good guy that way. She isn't home. That's strange. She didn't tell you she had plans. You brought her flowers today. Flowers usually make her smile and forget the pain she has been keeping inside ever since she was just a little girl. You put the flowers in water and settle in to watch the news. You send her a text to let her know you are home. You wonder where she is. You are tired now. You cant sleep. She texted you back 2 hours ago. She was just out with a couple friends. She will be back soon. She loves you. You fall asleep on the sofa. You wake up as she stumbles inside. You know she is wasted. She promised not to get drunk anymore. The last time she was drunk sheing beat you up. She threatened to your brother. She told you that you f*cking suck and that you are a piece of with no future. But you forgave her that time. She sobered up and was sorry.

You decide to make the best of the situation. She is horny as f*ck right now. You make your moves. You grab her. She grabs your piece. It is as soft as mud puddle. You want to be hard. But your heart has felt too much pain. Your mind has denied you too much anger. There has been no justice. You are mad at her now. Not on the outside. You know you can't show her that you are mad. That never ends well. You panic. You cant get it up. She asks you why she doesn't turn you on? "That's not it!" "You do turn me on." "I must be tired." "I'm sorry."

You have lost her for the night now. She slams the door on her way out. You throw your shoes on and chase her outside. She throws up the middle finger at you. Doesn't even look back. She pulls her tits out and flashes a car driving by. The next car stops. She gets in. You see a greasy lookinger driving that car. You don't see her for threeing days. Three days of anger, sadness, despair. Three days of questioning your own sanity. Three days of wondering how you could change yourself to be a better person. Three days of trying to work out what it is about yourself that is so awful. Maybe you are controlling. Maybe you are not attracted to her anymore. Maybe it IS you. Maybe you are a worthless piece of.

She shows up. She looks sad. She throws herself in your arms and cries and cries. You can tell that you are her rock. You know that you are bringing her more comfort now than she has felt in months. You know she loves you. She loves you. She loves you. Over the next two days she tells you that sheed up. She tells you she did drugs, She tells you she f*cked this guy. She thinks she might be pregnant. She thinks it is not yours. You are crushed. You leave her.

Then you miss her. You know how much she must hurt. You have learned to feel responsible for her feelings though. You have been conditioned over the years. You don't know it but you have been changed. You can't even remember what it is like to not worry about how you say something. You have forgotten what it is to be a free thinking human. You have forgotten to love yourself now. In some strange way, you begin to feel like... .what she feels like. You question the intentions of the people around you. You get angry at the world for being unjust. You cry when you don't expect it. You never cried before. You get depressed. You think you are unworthy. You believe that there is no justice and kindness. You are darkened. A piece of you is dead. Dead and gone. But you'reed now. Your mind and soul have been drug through the depths of dark emotion and hate. But you have held your composure. For her! You haven't seen the damage done to your self. You don't realize your own pain. You are numb. You feel hurt in there somewhere. Is it your hurt? Is it her hurt? Will she forgive you? Will you forgive her? Why? Why can't you figure this out? Why are you so exhausted? Is there any point to life?

You are the most important thing in the world helpmewithBPD. You need to take care of you. She needs help first. Not from you.

[Turkish]

Hello helpmewithBPD,

I can see your pain. Being cut off with NC so coldly after a 6 year r/s is harsh to say the least. Its nit only her, but her son as well. You shared a significant period of his upbringing, and it must feel like an additional stab in the heart.

Its a good first step to seek out professional help... I spent a lot of money I at first resented spending, but it was an investment in me. In a r/s with a person with BPD, many of us may have gotten lost investing too much in our partners as a one-way street. The obvious grief is the loss of love, but sometimes I think the hidden grief is the lose of purpose. Here is where an objective voice can help you find that purpose. Not for someone else, but for you.

Please stick around. We'll support you on getting through this, helpmewithBPD!

Turkish

[SGraham]

Neveragainthanks, that was beautifull in a sort of demented way. i teared  up reading that because it really captures the full breadth of emotions one experiances during and after a BPD relationship.

[helpmewithbpd]

Thanks for replying guys,  yeah its a terrible time,  I can't believe how hurt I am,  I'm seeing a professional shrink I get along with and understand really well.  It does help... .  I just don't know why I'm still attached as such I want to stop feeling this,  I know I my head I don't want to go back now that I know she has been going back to her old habits and slutting herself around with all random guys,  but it feels like my heart or subconscious mind keeps dreaming or fantasising about it,  day dreaming as such,  I feel sick every day and if I see her drive past me my anxiety goes through the roof and breaks my heart because she won't even wave to me.  When I found out she had sex with my friend I was so angry and acted like a complete arse,  I couldn't control it and it's not me to be like this at all,  but not only that she turned to me and said "it was nice to have someone that wanted me"  I couldn't believe it I wanted to marry this girl and have a family with girl... .  I feel she doesn't care at all about me and it rips me apart after everything I have done and everything we have been through, it's such an awful feeling and I'm not saying I want to kill myself I'm not like that at all,  although there have been days I feel lucky that I have pulled myself though thinking it was the only way out,  anyway back to my point I just don't know how much longer I can continue to feel like this,  it's wearing me down and it doesn't matter what I seem to do,  think or tell myself this pain just seems to much for me to handle,  I've lost my strength and don't know what to do.  I'm scared that we will never talk again and I won't see her son again but at the same time I'm scared of talking to her because she'll just twist everything around ether that or just completely ignore me,  I'm so confused about it all I know I really do know if I went back to her It would never be a life I would won't to live,  and I truly know this,  so why can't I let go .  I hate feeling like this it killing me... .

[helpmewithbpd]

Is it normal behaviour to be completely cut off by a person BPD  like I have been,   should I be worried she may end trying to suck me back in,  im a very confused person and in need of serious help

[SGraham]

Is it normal behaviour to be completely cut off by a person BPD  like I have been,   should I be worried she may end trying to suck me back in,  im a very confused person and in need of serious help

Yeah, very typical. Things seemed to be going great until one day she decided she didnt love me anymore. I know it sucks bud, im right there with you. Keep posting though, there are some wise people on here and ive always gotten excellent insight whenever ive asked a question. Hang in there man,

Best wishes ,

SG

[helpmewithbpd]

It is hard to hear but the truth so I need to hear,  I just can't handle no feeling the lo e she used to she me,  it's so hard my head says don't ever go back there but my subconscious just won't stop thinking about her going out and sleezing all over guys and taking a new guy home every couple of weeks it seriously drives me crazy, unsure what I can do to help myself,  I thank everyone for their support,  and reading this made me realise that I am ok,  I'm not the one that has gone crazy,  I was starting to wonder,  the last time we spoke if anyone had of seen they would of thought I was out of control,  it so not me to be like this it scared me,  I so sexually attracted to her it crazy but I dislike so much about her,  I don't know how to let go,  I want to I just don't know how to,  I feel like it's never going to end like I'm never guna get over her, 

[disorderedsociety]

In her head, you think that she is doing something the wrong way. In her reality, you have been growing a hate for her inside of you and you want nothing more than to shame her or put her down or use her for your own gratification. In her reality, you have said something hurtful. You have left her alone and exposed to the evil in this world. You have judged her unworthy. You are trying to hurt her and she will not let that happen. She will strike first (as it sounds like she did this time). Because that is how she has learned to survive. She will hurt you before you can continue to hurt her. She will stare into your soul and tell you that you are evil. And all of this because you asked the wrong question at the wrong time. In your reality you were being normal, thoughtful and loving. Maybe that was harsh. Maybe you are just grumpy. Maybe you SHOULD be sorry.

It doesn't matter what you said now. You have forgotten why this started. It didn't make sense in the first place anyway.

Then a few years go by. Sure, you had lots of rough patches over the last couple of years. Perhaps you have spent some time learning about why she is who she is. Maybe that upsets you. Maybe you think you are doing okay with all of this. And she $#%! like her pussy is going on a holiday.

You decide to make the best of the situation. She is horny as f*ck right now. You make your moves. You grab her. She grabs your piece. It is as soft as mud puddle. You want to be hard. But your heart has felt too much pain. Your mind has denied you too much anger. There has been no justice. You are mad at her now. Not on the outside. You know you can't show her that you are mad. That never ends well. You panic. You cant get it up. She asks you why she doesn't turn you on? "That's not it!" "You do turn me on." "I must be tired." "I'm sorry."

Then you miss her. You know how much she must hurt. You have learned to feel responsible for her feelings though. You have been conditioned over the years. You don't know it but you have been changed. You can't even remember what it is like to not worry about how you say something. You have forgotten what it is to be a free thinking human. You have forgotten to love yourself now. In some strange way, you begin to feel like... .what she feels like. You question the intentions of the people around you. You get angry at the world for being unjust. You cry when you don't expect it. You never cried before. You get depressed. You think you are unworthy. You believe that there is no justice and kindness. You are darkened. A piece of you is dead. Dead and gone. Your mind and soul have been drug through the depths of dark emotion and hate. But you have held your composure. For her! You haven't seen the damage done to your self. You don't realize your own pain. You are numb. You feel hurt in there somewhere. Is it your hurt? Is it her hurt? Will she forgive you? Will you forgive her? Why? Why can't you figure this out? Why are you so exhausted? Is there any point to life?

Wow, this resonated with me a lot. It was all this, then some. And she wondered why we only had sex once a week near the end. "Its cause I'm fat isn't it. Should I go throw up now?" I wanted to say, "No, its cause you're F-ING CRAZY!"

Its like a cycle that eventually loops into a non's brain and drives you mad and in some cases leaves you with BPD-like symptoms.

[living in the past]

Hi there, we do get over our obsession,our attachment,to a pwBPD,yes it is one of the hardest things many of us go through at this time in our lives,what always helps me is when i stop for a moment and look around, and see how many more serious problems people deal with,one example,yesterday I was with a friend and she pointed to the homeless guy on the street in her neighborhood,and said he"s been living like that for the last twenty years,and the lady down the block who is 97 years old sometimes gives him $20.00 dollars,I said, and you think you got problems,hoping the best for you.

[scgator]

In her head, you think that she is doing something the wrong way. In her reality, you have been growing a hate for her inside of you and you want nothing more than to shame her or put her down or use her for your own gratification. In her reality, you have said something hurtful. You have left her alone and exposed to the evil in this world. You have judged her unworthy. You are trying to hurt her and she will not let that happen. She will strike first (as it sounds like she did this time). Because that is how she has learned to survive. She will hurt you before you can continue to hurt her. She will stare into your soul and tell you that you are evil. And all of this because you asked the wrong question at the wrong time. In your reality you were being normal, thoughtful and loving. Maybe that was harsh. Maybe you are just grumpy. Maybe you SHOULD be sorry.

It doesn't matter what you said now. You have forgotten why this started. It didn't make sense in the first place anyway.

Then a few years go by. Sure, you had lots of rough patches over the last couple of years. Perhaps you have spent some time learning about why she is who she is. Maybe that upsets you. Maybe you think you are doing okay with all of this. And she $#%! like her pussy is going on a holiday.

You decide to make the best of the situation. She is horny as f*ck right now. You make your moves. You grab her. She grabs your piece. It is as soft as mud puddle. You want to be hard. But your heart has felt too much pain. Your mind has denied you too much anger. There has been no justice. You are mad at her now. Not on the outside. You know you can't show her that you are mad. That never ends well. You panic. You cant get it up. She asks you why she doesn't turn you on? "That's not it!" "You do turn me on." "I must be tired." "I'm sorry."

Then you miss her. You know how much she must hurt. You have learned to feel responsible for her feelings though. You have been conditioned over the years. You don't know it but you have been changed. You can't even remember what it is like to not worry about how you say something. You have forgotten what it is to be a free thinking human. You have forgotten to love yourself now. In some strange way, you begin to feel like... .what she feels like. You question the intentions of the people around you. You get angry at the world for being unjust. You cry when you don't expect it. You never cried before. You get depressed. You think you are unworthy. You believe that there is no justice and kindness. You are darkened. A piece of you is dead. Dead and gone. Your mind and soul have been drug through the depths of dark emotion and hate. But you have held your composure. For her! You haven't seen the damage done to your self. You don't realize your own pain. You are numb. You feel hurt in there somewhere. Is it your hurt? Is it her hurt? Will she forgive you? Will you forgive her? Why? Why can't you figure this out? Why are you so exhausted? Is there any point to life?

Wow, this resonated with me a lot. It was all this, then some. And she wondered why we only had sex once a week near the end. "Its cause I'm fat isn't it. Should I go throw up now?" I wanted to say, "No, its cause you're F-ING CRAZY!"

Its like a cycle that eventually loops into a non's brain and drives you mad and in some cases leaves you with BPD-like symptoms.

Yep, me too, very much so. If things in the bedroom didn't work they way they were supposed to, whether from stress, anxiety, exhaustion, fear, too much sex in general or all of the above, it got realllllllllly ugly. Of course this was me rejecting her so I must be having an affair. There was never any understanding from her, just finger pointing and blame. I know it had more to do with her than me but man it sucked.

[rotiroti]

Seriously, I don't care how high the high times were. When they're mixed in with that kind of psychic and emotional pain, it's not a surprise that it's a dealbreaker for many people. A r/s with someone with BPD is truly a lifestyle - you have to be willing to change and adapt to every situation. I feel like the decade I knew my ex and even the first 9 years when we were just friends was a 1-way friendship.

Seriously, if you're not bound by marriage, kids, house, etc you should be grateful. You have a clean slate to start again with yourself. I can promise you that as you detach, you'll feel as if you have a new lease on life.

As for the exBPD? No one can deny you the good memories you've shared with them. You shouldn't forget any of it because as non's we should learn from our past experiences.