refusing treatment

[mom427]

Where to begin?

My son is 27 and living at home due to poor decisions and no resources.

Still paying off court costs for DUI. Manages to bike/train/bike to a job for three months now.

Owes IRS money as he had an educational savings account that he used for living expenses.

He is depressed, but functioning. Recently began drinking again to numb the pain of the breakup with his girlfriend of 4.5 years.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hi mom427,



The drinking is concerning. How are you about laying down boundaries in your home? Have you tried to address the drinking?

He's your son, and you've given him a safe haven for now. Do you have trouble feeling how much to do is right? I'd say that his misuse of the ESA he owns 100%. That's his issue to resolve, though you certainly could help support him in a solution.

It's good that he's working, despite the DUI. How cognizant is he that it was a bad choice? In such a case, it's good to validate (his feelings about it), not shame.

Take a look at the lessons to the right of the board, they're a good start.

Turkish

[madmom]

Welcome mom427   My daughter with BPD is 27, so we have something in common.  The drinking is certainly concerning, but great that he is holding a job.  I would strongly encourage you to take a look at the tools and lessons to the right.  It wasn't until I began working on myself, using validation, SET, and understanding boundaries that I got better and my daughter did too.  I am anxious to hear more from you.  Please remember that you are not alone, there are lots of us here who are dealing with adult children with problems similar to yours and we are here to support you.

[mom427]

Thank you for your responses and resources. I have been working on myself and how I fit into this world for as long as I remember. I cope by gaining information and have been studying, discovering and practicing as many of the techniques outlined and sharing them with him throughout the years. I work as a special educator now and have training in counseling. The truly unfortunate aspect of mental health care for him is that his abusive, and in hindsight, BPD father was a mental health professional. So on the whole, it has lost some of it's validity for him. He has been in therapy, but I can't get him to commit to trying to join a group now. Before I let him back, we went to mental health and as a condition, allow them to take a referral. He convinced them there was nothing that would place him in the moderate to severe category so he was rejected.

I am good at boundaries and as such he has been out of the home on several occasions due to disregarding family values and breaking agreements. I confronted him with his drinking last night and he maintains it isn't a problem and suggested that I don't again assume the enemy role by talking about actions that cause no consequence. He seems focused on the fact he doesn't have a car (he crashed it) and is having a hard time dealing with the his agony of existence. I again suggested seeing a Dr. to explore finding some treatment to alleviate his suffering and perhaps clear his thinking, but he denies that it will help. Once when he was a teenager, he took an antidepressant for a short period of time. He saw no immediate effect and quit. Of course you know, as a parent we have no influence over treatment.

He is saying in his lower times, that one more major failure will convince him that there is no hope for things getting better and he no longer fears death. He is not actively suicidal, so I can't call for help. He is home sick today with upper respiratory symptoms. Suggested seeing a Dr. today and he declined.

There is no extended family. His father and I divorced when he was 7. No contact there. Services are limited in Ventura county, CA. Don't think a 5150 can apply. He feels particularly fragile at this point in time.

He admits drinking and driving was a poor choice but minimizes the effect that the drinking had on the accident. I tried to convince him to go to AA. His trust issues and skewed sense of self hinder him.

I appreciate the support.