Ended up terminating a friendship that was becoming more.

[misuniadziubek]

I made a friend about a month ago and over time things kind of heated up between us. From the getgo, she told me she thought she had undiagnosed borderline. I was kind of iffy about it, having endured some of that in the past, thinking by now I could recognise the signs. The way I saw it, she didn't act like it, but I didn't say anything. She said she'd had a bout of psychosis about two years ago.

Oh right. Borderline has that idealisation phase. Where you can't do wrong. Where they put you on a pedestal.

Our interactions in the beginning were pretty amazing. Super intense, she kept telling me how much she appreciates how rational I am. We'd hang out together for hours. We'd talk about everything, hit the deeper issues really quickly, it felt like she understood where I was coming from and she was really validating. I really opened up to her, even moreso than anyone else. It felt somewhat safe and I was hella attracted to her.

Wrong.

Then last Thursday I misspoke. She was telling me about how her guy friend obsesses about thin people. I'm like, 'Well you kind of obsess about it too." (After a week of her telling me she wishes she wasn't so obsessed with weight)

Suddenly she lost it, hung up on me, blocked me on all social media. Started badmouthing me to the friend through whom I met her, saying I probably feel threatened by her, that I'm probably jealous because she's doing her master's and I dropped out of college, that I should stop b___ing about money and just get a job (On my 2nd month of unemployment). That change in character over something so small? Painting me black all of a sudden? The passive aggressive comments in a group skype call? The hypersensitivity to ANY criticism? She also talked a lot about being dysphoric and having a really shattered sense of identity.


Having been through what I went through with my pwBPD, I haven't done anything in retaliation. Recognising the extreme behaviour I've been exposed to before, I simply expressed I had no further interest in being friends. She's now telling everyone that she probably doesn't have borderline, more like bipolar, and that I probably do because I'm holding a 'grudge' over a fight.

The change in moods is so volatile, honestly. I had a gut feeling about a week and a half ago that she was expressing some of the traits, the first time she overreacted and hung up on me over one wrong word, and honestly it's about whether the person is worth putting up with. It's an incredibly difficult decision when you are the partner/spouse for a while. It's slightly less difficult when that attachment hasn't yet developed. I have learned from my relationship with my pwBPD to not attach to people too quickly, to keep my distance until I really get to know the person. This enabled me to set a boundary when things stopped feeling secure and I cut out contact. Her instant reaction to the boundary was retaliation, passive aggression, and throwing a really bad tantrum.

Ironically, interacting with my pwBPD, having now established a partnership full of boundaries and plenty of validation,  feels like a walk in the park compared to what really appeared to be some intense dysregulation in this person.

The most ironic part? My friendship with the person who introduced us had dwindled in the time period where I'd been hanging out with this girl. Right after I cut her out, suddenly our friendship literally picked right up again where it had left off. I realised that a HUGE reason why we'd grown distant was because my ex-friend was constantly criticising my friend's behavior and it was influencing me, her constant analysis of everyone and whatnot. It's like I was reliving high school and middle school despite approaching my 30s.

[Mutt]

Hi misuniadziubek,

That's good news that you were able to pick up your friendship where it left off 

Then last Thursday I misspoke. She was telling me about how her guy friend obsesses about thin people. I'm like, 'Well you kind of obsess about it too." (After a week of her telling me she wishes she wasn't so obsessed with weight)

It sounds like your split black if she suddenly lost it and blocked you on all social media. It could be that she is projecting when she says that her guy friends obsess about thin people and shame is at the root of the disorder. You picked up on her obsession and it could be that her shame was triggered. Eating disorders are not uncommon with sufferers of BPD.

[misuniadziubek]

Hi misuniadziubek,

That's good news that you were able to pick up your friendship where it left off 

Then last Thursday I misspoke. She was telling me about how her guy friend obsesses about thin people. I'm like, 'Well you kind of obsess about it too." (After a week of her telling me she wishes she wasn't so obsessed with weight)

It sounds like your split black if she suddenly lost it and blocked you on all social media. It could be that she is projecting when she says that her guy friends obsess about thin people and shame is at the root of the disorder. You picked up on her obsession and it could be that her shame was triggered. Eating disorders are not uncommon with sufferers of BPD.

I honestly think you are absolutely correct in that regard. She would lose it the quickest when I -observed- things that were a source of shame for her. Nothing really cemented the end for me as much as her reaction after I cut her out. In a non-BPD, you'd usually get some sort of rational confrontation, some reflection at best, with her she just painted me entirely black.

At my own worst, right after she'd reacted so crudely, I told my close friend that I was kind of exhausted of BPD's in my life. I guess she heard that because in our last conversation before I gave up, she started going off on how 'I must feel so entitled and above everyone else to cite everyone's 'issues' and how she can't really have borderline because she's had 'stable' relationships with people since grade school and still maintains contact with them, so it's probably bipolar.' Not really having much insight into why she was saying this, I pointed out that with bipolar, manic and depressive episodes, if there is mania, it can last for days, with phases of 'normal' whereas in borderline the cycles of dysregulation are related to specific emotions and can occur even a couple times a day and are reactions to whatever is going on in their life.

That whole last conversation was just so irrational and reactive that I stopped mid-conversation and just said. 'I'm sorry, I can't deal with this sort of behavior. I've dealt with it too often in the past. I'm really sorry, I can't continue talking to you anymore.' She later cited that I was a hypocrite and couldn't admit to being wrong... .idk.

[Mutt]

Do you think that she might of said that she's BiP and not BPD because she overheard how you said you were tired of the BPD's in your life?

She may of changed the PD's to something that you described as less manic, and maybe easier to cope with? I think that she said that to appease you.

[misuniadziubek]

Do you think that she might of said that she's BiP and not BPD because she overheard how you said you were tired of the BPD's in your life?

She may of changed the PD's to something that you described as less manic, and maybe easier to cope with? I think that she said that to appease you.

I guess seeing her behavior for what it was really put me in high defense mode, but the more I think about it, I realise that a lot of it makes a lot of sense.

She started lashing out because she didn't want to take all the blame onto herself and admit that she 'overreacted' and wrecked yet another relationship. She was trying to reach out and fix the relationship without taking responsibility. The more time I've spent objectively analysing the situation, she really doesn't see how destructively she acts when she's dysregulated. It's like she turns into a child in thos moments, unable to handle what's going on.

[myself]

It's like she turns into a child in thos moments, unable to handle what's going on.

I saw this many times with the woman I was with. Something triggers the scared/defensive feelings, going back to early trauma, and it's like the grown-up disappears. Attack, flee, throw tantrums... .Out of control reactions. Then the times where (she told me this) the 'toy' (whoever had been closest, usually a lover or friend), is 'broken' and can't be fixed. Not without real effort, which shame and denial help keep from happening. It's obvious who broke it but by removing themselves from the situation there's no accountability. Discard the toy/person (but not forget) for another.

That she didn't want to hear you (hung up, blocked) says a lot.

What's different for you this time, having better boundaries much sooner?