It's been 2.5 years - I'm still broken

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I still love her.  I made a promise to love her until the end of time, and I don't break promises.

I've dated a little bit since - once was just a few dates, once was a 4 month relationship.  Neither came anywhere close to how much I loved the BPD ex.

I try not to look at her facebook, though I have peeked from time to time.  She appears happy - she's married (they got engaged about 8 or 10 weeks after we split!) and the grapevine tells me she's madly in love.  Who knows.

I had no contact with her for a year.  I still loved her.  She sends the odd email from time to time, stupid things like telling me she saw my favourite chocolate on sale in a certain shop.  Pointless. it doesn't change a thing.  No contact, low contact, I still love her.

I don't love the things she does, I don't love the lies, and I don't love the pain she caused me.

But, like a mother will always love her child, I still love her, so purely, with every inch of my being.

I've been to therapy.  I see her for who she is.  I see the brokenness, the lies, the deceit. I have great friends who all knew her and who reassured me it was her, not me.  But I also see her true soul and she's not a bad person.

The other girl I dated was lovely - she ticked every box on my list.  But I couldn't love her - my heart still belongs to the BPD ex.

I have no idea how to get over her, I am completely lost.

Should I just accept that I will always have a little piece of my heart reserved for her, rather than trying to fight it?

No matter who I meet, even if they are the most wonderful person, I just cannot love anyone else. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I wish there was a magic pill to take which erased the fact I ever met her.

The crazy thing is that I know she still loves me (as well as loving her new wife).  You guys might think I'm crazy, or wishful.  But I know it.  I feel it.  I swear to you I'm not crazy.  I can predict when she's going to randomly get in touch after a few months just to say hi.  I tell my Mum that I just feel she's "close" and the next day she'll email. 

I would NEVER get back with her, I just couldn't.  Too much water under the bridge.  I'd rather be alone. It's 100% over.  I am not clinging on to hope, because even if she turned round tomorrow and told me she'd made a horrible mistake, I know in my heart I could never be with her again.

But I still love her.  I hurt when I think she could be hurt.  I pray at night for God to keep her safe and keep her happy. 

Any thoughts? Am I losing the plot?

[mango_flower]

I still love her.  I made a promise to love her until the end of time, and I don't break promises.

I've dated a little bit since - once was just a few dates, once was a 4 month relationship.  Neither came anywhere close to how much I loved the BPD ex.

I try not to look at her facebook, though I have peeked from time to time.  She appears happy - she's married (they got engaged about 8 or 10 weeks after we split!) and the grapevine tells me she's madly in love.  Who knows.

I had no contact with her for a year.  I still loved her.  She sends the odd email from time to time, stupid things like telling me she saw my favourite chocolate on sale in a certain shop.  Pointless. it doesn't change a thing.  No contact, low contact, I still love her.

I don't love the things she does, I don't love the lies, and I don't love the pain she caused me.

But, like a mother will always love her child, I still love her, so purely, with every inch of my being.

I've been to therapy.  I see her for who she is.  I see the brokenness, the lies, the deceit. I have great friends who all knew her and who reassured me it was her, not me.  But I also see her true soul and she's not a bad person.

The other girl I dated was lovely - she ticked every box on my list.  But I couldn't love her - my heart still belongs to the BPD ex.

I have no idea how to get over her, I am completely lost.

Should I just accept that I will always have a little piece of my heart reserved for her, rather than trying to fight it?

No matter who I meet, even if they are the most wonderful person, I just cannot love anyone else. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I wish there was a magic pill to take which erased the fact I ever met her.

The crazy thing is that I know she still loves me (as well as loving her new wife).  You guys might think I'm crazy, or wishful.  But I know it.  I feel it.  I swear to you I'm not crazy.  I can predict when she's going to randomly get in touch after a few months just to say hi.  I tell my Mum that I just feel she's "close" and the next day she'll email. 

I would NEVER get back with her, I just couldn't.  Too much water under the bridge.  I'd rather be alone. It's 100% over.  I am not clinging on to hope, because even if she turned round tomorrow and told me she'd made a horrible mistake, I know in my heart I could never be with her again.

But I still love her.  I hurt when I think she could be hurt.  I pray at night for God to keep her safe and keep her happy. 

Any thoughts? Am I losing the plot?

[rotiroti]

No, you are not crazy. It hurts because the love you gave was very real and honest.

I don't love the things she does, I don't love the lies, and I don't love the pain she caused me.

I think us non's also tend to split as well to some degree. We should remember to consider the pwBPD as a whole. It's unrealistic and unfair to separate the good and the bad about a pwBPD

[Pina colada]

You are not alone in your feelings.  I understand too.  Mine has not moved on yet, that I know.  I just remind myself that they don't change.  They will ultimately treat the next person just as they treated us.  They can't help it.  It helps me get through the weak moments. 

[Arkansasnon]

A lot resonates.  Something was deeper maybe, and its that she touched deep into my soul?  I too had a connection that I thought I could feel if my exgf was going to do something.  I don't know why I love mine so dang much still.  But I do.  Why?  Its the question I ask over and over and over.  

[mango_flower]

Thanks guys 

It's nice to not be judged here.  I'm sure my friends think I'm over it, I don't talk about it anymore.  They'd think I was crazy if I told them I still love her.

They don't understand how deep a BPD relationship cuts you and makes you question your own sanity... .

I guess I just need to hear that it's OK to feel like this, it's ok to still love her and not have people think I'm pathetic for it.

Thanks for listening!

[SGraham]

you aren't crazy and you certainly not alone. Never let anyone tell you how you should feel. I totally feel you, i actually teared up a bit reading this because i know two years down the road im gonna be in the same place. Best wishes,

SG

[mango_flower]

Thanks SG - bear in mind this is a bad night as she contacted me today.  Some days I actually don't think about her, I'm living in the moment and she doesn't pop into my thoughts.

Some days I actually think of her with happy love, like I can love her from a distance and be happy she's happy.

We will get there!

[Herodias]

"You are not alone in your feelings.  I understand too.  Mine has not moved on yet, that I know.  I just remind myself that they don't change.  They will ultimately treat the next person just as they treated us.  They can't help it.  It helps me get through the weak moments."  


I feel this way too and am trying to know this will continue into the next r/s as well. I hope to meet some one way way better than what I had with my husband, but I know what you mean... .I think we have to let go of the fantasy part of what we had and see it for what it was... .not really real. I am working on my co-dependancy issues, because I do not want to meet this type again. It is a pattern if you don't learn from it and change.  I have been out of this since Jan. really... .separated in court in april. He had the gf before and apparently has slept with a bunch of woman since. I just can't forgive him. I can't deal with the rages and abuse. I feel for you because I know no one else understands how we feel... .they act like we are addicted- maybe we are. i don't know. Why are we so addicted to people so hurtful. We need to love and respect ourselves much much more. We need to begin to crave normal relationships... .and by normal, I don't mean boring- just not liars and abusers and cheats, Best wishes to you.

[patientandclear]

Mango, just wanted to be an old familiar face in your thread  

I know what you mean. The hurt from the loss and the enduring feelings of love have stuck with me even longer than you, if that's any kind of weird comfort. I have had more continued dashed hopes than you, but still, I can affirm that for some of us, this is a very long term recovery that is partial at best. I don't expect to love again. I'd be happy to be wrong though.

[SGraham]

Some days I actually think of her with happy love, like I can love her from a distance and be happy she's happy.

That's the point i would like to get to, but the way things ended has made it so i can't really look back at anything in our relationship. I do hope she's happy though. She really deserves to be happy.

[babyducks]

I get it mango flower.

the love I felt/feel reflects the better part of me.   

I don't want to let go of that.

may I make a suggestion?

honor that better part of you.   when feelings of love rise to the surface find a way to reflect and acknowledge them in a positive way.  do something good with them.   take that energy out for a spin and put it to good use.

find a way to occasionally convert those thoughts/feelings/energy into something good for you.   paint? play music?  exercise?  garden?     

don't you sometimes think that most of the trick of life is finding ~any~ way to make a negative a positive?

'ducks

[Pretty Woman]

Mango Flower, Patient and Clear, Baby Ducks... .

it's like a reunion in this thread.


Mango, I am so sorry to read how you are feeling. I private messaged you back.

Pretty Woman

[seh77]

Mango,

You are totally not alone.  I still love my XGF.  I have never had / felt such a deep connection with another person.  I've dated but no spark, no butterflies, no intense feelings like with her.

For the most part I have good days and don't think about her.  I would never go back to her as that wouldn't be healthy for anyone. 

So we just ride out the storm and look for the rainbow.   

[myself]

It's been about two years for me and I still love her. It was mostly the disorder that broke us up, not her. The last time she contacted me she wanted to know if I hated her, but it's not possible. The relationship and feelings were real to me. Some days are better than others while moving on, but I still care for her and wish things could have turned out differently.

[Learning_curve74]

I love my exBPDgf deeply but I'm not IN love with her... . 

To be perfectly clear, I care deeply for her well being, but I have ZERO interest in having a romantic relationship with her ever again. I can be alone without feeling lonely; my life and self worth doesn't revolve around needing somebody else's validation. I am a complete and whole individual by myself that is loveable: the proof is that I love myself, and it doesn't hurt that I also have friends that love and care about me too. And when I am ready for my next relationship, I will choose a partner that consistently adds richness and joy to my life, not one that subtracts from it.

My hope is that everybody on the leaving board not only reaches a point of detachment and acceptance but also a point of healing that you have the same feelings as I do. Hugs to you all! 

[swimjim]

Hey Mango. I thought I was reading my own post when I read yours. 2 1/2 years out exactly and I am here with you. I know the feeling. Nothing compares to a BPD breakup. She should not throw you a crumb every now and then. It can mess with your head. Sending you an innocent email is an underhanded way of letting you know she still exists. We know that we can't be friends with these BPD's because it would hinder our recovery.  At least mine no longer has me on the radar.  She would be doing you a bigger favor to leave you alone altogether. It doesn't help how you feel thou. You are not alone my friend. I feel your pain.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey mango, May I make the gentle suggestion that maybe you have more work to do in terms of your healing?  You seem stuck, which is no fun.  I get it: Can't go forwards; can't go backwards.  The description of your situation reminds me a little of those Fairy Tales in which someone is under a spell that he/she can't break out of.  In Fairy Tales, the way to break the spell is often learned from a troll or a dwarf or a frog, in other words, those inner parts of oneself that are ugly and overlooked.

LuckyJim

[soar]

This is the post that has probably resonated with me the most. For a number of reasons: I am 3 years out of the relationship. She cut me off, no contact since. She went to the police.

I gave my ex a charm that said 'eternal love' and i meant it... .at the time. Now, like you, I'd do anything to rewind the clock.

I completly relate to the line about loving her like your own child. That is how I've described my love for my ex. I even said to her once in the relationship that she was more like my sister because she was like family. She meant more to me than anyone... .sadly.

I, like you, struggle to understand how my ex doesn't love me. I felt our bond was so deep, I find it hard to believe that she doesn't think about me sometimes and regret... .I don't know why. Earlier on in our relationship, I hugged her to say goodbye and felt an energy between us, it was amazing. I've never 'felt' energy like that... it was surreal.

[Pretty Woman]

Soar, it's funny you bring that up. When my ex was breaking up with me I told her I felt like her mother for a long time... .like this was a mother-child relationship.

She got very angry and screamed, ":)on't say that!"

I think it had been said before. 

It truly shows our caregiver side and tendancies. We wanted to take care of them and ended up neglecting ourselves. We put love into something that is bottomless and incapable of holding love, it falls right through.

[purpleavocado]

Mango, I so completely understand this and could have written almost every word. Only difference for me is that I haven't dated at all in the over two years... .my ex gf has, but has been single again for awhile.

I've tried to explain it to my therapist, to my friends... .but even coming out of my mouth the words feel crazy. I cannot explain why I love her and why it still feels like no one else can compare. But at the same time, I know it's not an option to ever take her back. And I can also identify with the mothering dynamic- the almost unconditional love.

It's such a tough position. Just know that you're not alone in feeling this way, and things will work out.  

[antelope]

took me about 1.5 years out of the relationship to realize a very agonizing, ugly truth: I didn't really know this other person.

three years together... .living together, 1000s of hours together, 1000s of conversations... .and she was a complete stranger to me... .

all I knew for sure about her were her borderline symptoms and behaviors... .that's the only way I can really ever describe her... .so sad when you think back to the 'connection' and 'love' I so firmly believed I had with this person... .

that for me was a turning point... .I felt like a fool, duped for so long, deluded in this bizarre fantasy, only to discover that my life was cluttered with nothing more than lies and deceptions... .hers and my own  

true emotional detachment came after this, as well as the indifference of having superficially interacted with a stranger for 3 years of my life... .

nowadays, I tend to feel pity for her... .I want nothing to do with her, but the random times I do think about her, I realize what a damaged little girl she is, and how she will likely never have the courage or will to change the misery that is her life... .

[SGraham]

I completly relate to the line about loving her like your own child. That is how I've described my love for my ex. I even said to her once in the relationship that she was more like my sister because she was like family. She meant more to me than anyone... .sadly.

I, like you, struggle to understand how my ex doesn't love me. I felt our bond was so deep, I find it hard to believe that she doesn't think about me sometimes and regret... .I don't know why. Earlier on in our relationship, I hugged her to say goodbye and felt an energy between us, it was amazing. I've never 'felt' energy like that... it was surreal.

Reading that made me have a bit of a epiphany. I think the reason why BPD relationships/ break ups are so toxic is because they hurt on so many levels. What you said about the energy you felt really resonated with me. It reminded me of when my ex did care about me because sheade me feel so loved and cared about, and from little things too. Similar to how you said, after one date she huged me and just wouldnt let go for like 20 seconds, it was seriously magical. So now im in the position where i think i will never feel that again. It also hirts to know no one will ever treat her with as much patience and love as i did. God its like anyway i look at it sucks

[Lucky Jim]

nowadays, I tend to feel pity for her... .I want nothing to do with her, but the random times I do think about her, I realize what a damaged little girl she is, and how she will likely never have the courage or will to change the misery that is her life... .

antelope: I feel exactly the same about my BPDxW.  I have empathy for her pain and emotional turmoil, yet can't be involved with her because it's too toxic.  For my own well-being, I maintain minimum contacts (we have kids together).  She remains an emotional child in an adult's body.

LuckyJim

[fromheeltoheal]

I love my ex, although I'm not in love with her and I don't want to be in a relationship with her.  And throw in some compassion and it becomes a letting go with love, which is true for me and sits best in my heart.  For me there was a tie between 'loving' her and a hope that somehow she was thinking about me and missing me, and somehow we could reconcile and walk into the sunset with string music playing.  So that 'love' was tied to a fantasy that could never be reality, considering the total incompatibility and all.  There's a huge gap between a sliver of hope and no hope at all, and bridging it takes a painful leap, but if we're committed to detaching there is no choice.  A letting go of that hope will take the 'love' with it.

[apollotech]

I still love her.  I made a promise to love her until the end of time, and I don't break promises.

I've dated a little bit since - once was just a few dates, once was a 4 month relationship.  Neither came anywhere close to how much I loved the BPD ex.

I try not to look at her facebook, though I have peeked from time to time.  She appears happy - she's married (they got engaged about 8 or 10 weeks after we split!) and the grapevine tells me she's madly in love.  Who knows.

I had no contact with her for a year.  I still loved her.  She sends the odd email from time to time, stupid things like telling me she saw my favourite chocolate on sale in a certain shop.  Pointless. it doesn't change a thing.  No contact, low contact, I still love her.

I don't love the things she does, I don't love the lies, and I don't love the pain she caused me.

But, like a mother will always love her child, I still love her, so purely, with every inch of my being.

I've been to therapy.  I see her for who she is.  I see the brokenness, the lies, the deceit. I have great friends who all knew her and who reassured me it was her, not me.  But I also see her true soul and she's not a bad person.

The other girl I dated was lovely - she ticked every box on my list.  But I couldn't love her - my heart still belongs to the BPD ex.

I have no idea how to get over her, I am completely lost.

Should I just accept that I will always have a little piece of my heart reserved for her, rather than trying to fight it?

No matter who I meet, even if they are the most wonderful person, I just cannot love anyone else. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I wish there was a magic pill to take which erased the fact I ever met her.

The crazy thing is that I know she still loves me (as well as loving her new wife).  You guys might think I'm crazy, or wishful.  But I know it.  I feel it.  I swear to you I'm not crazy.  I can predict when she's going to randomly get in touch after a few months just to say hi.  I tell my Mum that I just feel she's "close" and the next day she'll email. 

I would NEVER get back with her, I just couldn't.  Too much water under the bridge.  I'd rather be alone. It's 100% over.  I am not clinging on to hope, because even if she turned round tomorrow and told me she'd made a horrible mistake, I know in my heart I could never be with her again.

But I still love her.  I hurt when I think she could be hurt.  I pray at night for God to keep her safe and keep her happy. 

Any thoughts? Am I losing the plot?

Hi mango,

Lots of declarations of love for her, but no statements about love for yourself. Could that be perhaps what is keeping you mired in a dead love, a love that will never, according to you, come to fruition? I love my ex, but I love myself more. I gladly gave my ex a portion of my past; I don't regret that, but I'll be damned if I am going to give her my future. Why are you so willingly spending your future on a dead prospect? That promise that you're keeping is affecting (hindering) you, not her.

[Eye438]

I still love her.  I made a promise to love her until the end of time, and I don't break promises.

I've dated a little bit since - once was just a few dates, once was a 4 month relationship.  Neither came anywhere close to how much I loved the BPD ex.

I try not to look at her facebook, though I have peeked from time to time.  She appears happy - she's married (they got engaged about 8 or 10 weeks after we split!) and the grapevine tells me she's madly in love.  Who knows.

I had no contact with her for a year.  I still loved her.  She sends the odd email from time to time, stupid things like telling me she saw my favourite chocolate on sale in a certain shop.  Pointless. it doesn't change a thing.  No contact, low contact, I still love her.

I don't love the things she does, I don't love the lies, and I don't love the pain she caused me.

Yes the lies and breach of trust, I had that too, it's the very thing that broke me inside, it killed my love, I had a five year relationship just asked her to move out, it's getting better for me everyday. I hope you find inner peace, sorry for your angst.

But, like a mother will always love her child, I still love her, so purely, with every inch of my being.

I've been to therapy.  I see her for who she is.  I see the brokenness, the lies, the deceit. I have great friends who all knew her and who reassured me it was her, not me.  But I also see her true soul and she's not a bad person.

The other girl I dated was lovely - she ticked every box on my list.  But I couldn't love her - my heart still belongs to the BPD ex.

I have no idea how to get over her, I am completely lost.

Should I just accept that I will always have a little piece of my heart reserved for her, rather than trying to fight it?

No matter who I meet, even if they are the most wonderful person, I just cannot love anyone else. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I wish there was a magic pill to take which erased the fact I ever met her.

The crazy thing is that I know she still loves me (as well as loving her new wife).  You guys might think I'm crazy, or wishful.  But I know it.  I feel it.  I swear to you I'm not crazy.  I can predict when she's going to randomly get in touch after a few months just to say hi.  I tell my Mum that I just feel she's "close" and the next day she'll email. 

I would NEVER get back with her, I just couldn't.  Too much water under the bridge.  I'd rather be alone. It's 100% over.  I am not clinging on to hope, because even if she turned round tomorrow and told me she'd made a horrible mistake, I know in my heart I could never be with her again.

But I still love her.  I hurt when I think she could be hurt.  I pray at night for God to keep her safe and keep her happy. 

Any thoughts? Am I losing the plot?

[letmeout]

It is like distant cousins that have moved to another country, you can still love them, but you know you will probably never talk to them again, much less see them. 

[Caredverymuch]

I still love her.  I made a promise to love her until the end of time, and I don't break promises.

I've dated a little bit since - once was just a few dates, once was a 4 month relationship.  Neither came anywhere close to how much I loved the BPD ex.

I try not to look at her facebook, though I have peeked from time to time.  She appears happy - she's married (they got engaged about 8 or 10 weeks after we split!) and the grapevine tells me she's madly in love.  Who knows.

I had no contact with her for a year.  I still loved her.  She sends the odd email from time to time, stupid things like telling me she saw my favourite chocolate on sale in a certain shop.  Pointless. it doesn't change a thing.  No contact, low contact, I still love her.

I don't love the things she does, I don't love the lies, and I don't love the pain she caused me.

But, like a mother will always love her child, I still love her, so purely, with every inch of my being.

I've been to therapy.  I see her for who she is.  I see the brokenness, the lies, the deceit. I have great friends who all knew her and who reassured me it was her, not me.  But I also see her true soul and she's not a bad person.

The other girl I dated was lovely - she ticked every box on my list.  But I couldn't love her - my heart still belongs to the BPD ex.

I have no idea how to get over her, I am completely lost.

Should I just accept that I will always have a little piece of my heart reserved for her, rather than trying to fight it?

No matter who I meet, even if they are the most wonderful person, I just cannot love anyone else. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I wish there was a magic pill to take which erased the fact I ever met her.

The crazy thing is that I know she still loves me (as well as loving her new wife).  You guys might think I'm crazy, or wishful.  But I know it.  I feel it.  I swear to you I'm not crazy.  I can predict when she's going to randomly get in touch after a few months just to say hi.  I tell my Mum that I just feel she's "close" and the next day she'll email. 

I would NEVER get back with her, I just couldn't.  Too much water under the bridge.  I'd rather be alone. It's 100% over.  I am not clinging on to hope, because even if she turned round tomorrow and told me she'd made a horrible mistake, I know in my heart I could never be with her again.

But I still love her.  I hurt when I think she could be hurt.  I pray at night for God to keep her safe and keep her happy. 

Any thoughts? Am I losing the plot?

Im so sorry and I most certainly understand.  I also feel I knew my expBPD very well and truly did love the good person I know he is, under the disorder.  I feel all that you mention and can often sense his presence still as you state.

The connection w a pBPD is so intense.  Its like a part of your soul is taken when they leave.

I comfort myself in knowing that I know love. True love. I know that gift and I gave it fully to my ex.  I will always love the person he is bc I know he felt love, the best he could, as well. 

A truly healthy r/s is 100/100.  Its not possible w BPD.

Keep the strength and sending hugs.  You know love. Love yourself now the most.

[mango_flower]

Thank you so much all - I just wanted to pop in and acknowledge that I read every word of each reply and I appreciate them all so much.

I am in the midst of a super-hectic fortnight at work and thus haven't been around to reply before now - but I hope that all who felt some resonance with this post also can manage to get though this too - I KNOW we can do this, it's just going to take more time   

I will be back next week to post properly and support others, promise! x

[hopealways]

Hello Mango,

Thanks for this post, I have felt the same, but wonder if it really is "love" that I feel. I have decided that it is not.  I miss her, I miss our memories, but what we all really miss is that high that she took us to during the idealization phase.  I have finally  understood that this is what my mind is telling me is love and yet we all know that is not really love. What we had was not an adult love relationship it was more similar to a parent child relationship: I gave and she took. Love involves a mutual give and take, respect, honesty, compassion, and empathy. None of these are traits a BPD has or comprehends.

I am not diminishing your feelings for your ex at all, I just wanted to reach out and tell you how I have come to terms with what I had and realized that it was not what is at least universally defined by love.  Accepting this made it easier to move on.