She said "I Love You/Miss You" - (?)

[JohnnyShoes]

I would like to hear from nons and their thoughts in this.

My exBPDgf from early in the relationship (I mean weeks, maybe even days)

Began the "I Love You" s

When she first said it, I remember telling her...

"I think you mean you Like me"

And she quickly restated it to (pleasingly accommodate me)

Throughout the relationship she would sprinkle the ends of her texts with "Love You"

.or "Miss you XO"... .even after each phone call she made sure to throw it in... .even when right before she would hang up, like she remembered too late but quickly said it before ending the call.

I think most times I got the feeling that she was saying it TO GET A RESPONSE FROM ME.

But I had to fight the urge to return her words of sentiment, because... .I simply wasn't THERE yet.

Now, a week after its been officially over... .I haven't heard a peep.

*I've* had to fight the urge to break NC whether by texting or visiting her store...

And *I* wasn't the one pledging my " I Love You'd" to her... .

I'm wondering... : Where did the I Love You's Go?

Oh... .you Missed me and Loved me... .a d can walk away like I'm nothing now... .like it was all BS... .

She used to tell me on more than one occasion that when she's at work. She tells everyone... .that the only reason she's able to be there, is because "She's Acting"... .And she'll joke about it too.

I'm left believing in my gut that she was Acting with me... .that she was " Mirroring Me" (a thing that people with this disorder Do)

She was just telling me what I wanted to hear, and showing me what I wanted to see.

*She Wanted Me To Love HER*... .but she wasn't (capable?) Of Loving anyone in return.

Can anyone else share their experience with what I described? Did you get "Love Bombed?" In the beginning... .and then wonder... .How Could It Be? What she SAYS and What she DOES leaves me trying to figure out some puzzle or riddle.

What was the REAL puzzling piece ... was who she was in the beginning, that spunky charming smiling face... .that was so thrilled to be with me and talk to me... even hours on the phone... .to have it just Vanish like it was never really real is the mind bender for me.

I lean to believe that the person she *showed* me... was what she thought I wanted to see and that would get her what she wanted; Someone Wanting and Loving HER.

It was the Bait on the hook.

A FALSE self... .she was... .Acting.

[Darsha500]

I definitely got the love bombing treatment. I remember the first time she spoke of love to me. She said something along the lines of "This love feels so amazing." This following our very first date, I was a little off put and confused. But, Me being so eager to love and be loved, I admitted that whatever this feeling was - this love - it was quite amazing.

How can this love be reconciled with the mistreatment dealt upon us? Were they faking there love? If so, wow, that is some amazing and convincing acting. And if so, should I feel duped? Should I feel as if I have been tricked? taken for a ride? Used as an object?

I could feel any number of ways. And I have adopted all of these view points.

But what is the healthiest view point to carry with me as I move forward? That is a question I have to ask myself. What can I take away from this relationship. What has served as a catalyst for my own psychological and spiritual growth?

I prefer to try not to over analyze the love. I certainly could do this, and have. But, I have to remember that love is just a word. That all I have, at bottom, is the experience. And I can name and label that experience however I want. Its my choice what attitude I adopt - to a certain extent.

I cannot know for certain what our love meant to her. -impermanence

It is all really tragic and traumatic. Thats how I feel. But I'm walking away from it a more conscious human being.

[JohnnyShoes]

It is all really tragic and traumatic. Thats how I feel. But I'm walking away from it a more conscious human being.

Yes, I agree for me as well.

The best way for me to Move Forward... .is to Go In That Direction... .Forward.

Letting stuff go... .maybe not all at once... .but little by little, I may examine it... .before I let it go... .but after I do, its filed to the past

[SGraham]

I think i said "i love you" first. I don't know, part me thinks i probably shouldn't have bacause it might have triggered her engulfment fears but i had no clue she was BPD so i guess i can't be to hard on myself

[SGraham]

I just realised how unconfident i sounded about that assertion.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi JohnnyShoes,

When I read the posts on this board, I relate so much to the behaviour of the BPD and uBPD girlfriends you unfortunate men describe having had to deal with. The moving from boyfriend to boyfriend and back again, the intense emotion followed by apparently no feeling at all, the cheating and lying, the telling everyone of them that the love them... .

Here's my confession. I hope it will help some of you:

When I was a teenager, I fell in love but he left me.

After that, I told my boyfriends that I loved them, even though I knew it wasn't strictly true. As I look back, I can see that there was one boy who was particularly damaged by this. He turned up a few years later to see me because he was about to get married and needed resolution. At the time, I was just confused. He left, probably reassured that he was doing the right thing since I was so nonplussed by why he was there and hopefully, he married his language teacher fiancee and lived happily ever after.

At university, I had a pretty promiscuous period running from one chap to the next and back again and then onto another. I was a mess, but I didn't know that. I was always sweet to them when I was with them, but I could walk away without a backwards glance. What was I doing? I told them I loved them. Did I mean it? Actually, I was in terrible emotional pain inside and the affection they gave me, took the edge off that awful pain just for a while. I had sex with them because I thought that was the price I had to pay to get a little love. Perhaps I thought saying 'I love you' was also required of me. All I know was that I was in pain and they helped to ease that pain. They were all great men and didn't deserve me. I was usually pleased for them when they met a girlfriend they really liked. Basically, I was misleading them, but I couldn't be honest enough with myself to be honest with them. I was 'in need' rather than 'in love'. During that period, there was one lovely man who really suffered from knowing me. I was crazy about him and he was crazy about me. He took me home to meet his parents, but shortly after that I bumped into the ex who had broken my heart and the scales of 'love' fell from my eyes, the feeling disappeared and couldn't be re-captured. I finished with him. He couldn't understand why. He was in total shock. He tried sending an enormous bunch of red roses to my place of work, but I couldn't go back, the emotion was inexplicably gone.

In the next phase, I began running two boyfriends at once. One of those men was horrible to me and made me worthless and awful (I lied to him about the existence of the other) the other was a delight and gave me lots of love and affirmation and made me feel loved. I needed the latter to be able to still feel good about me in any shape or form because the first one made me feel so unwanted. The latter man felt like a 'security blanket'. I needed to ensure that I would never be on my own. I couldn't face that. I couldn't give up the first boyfriend to be with the second exclusively though, I was trapped by my own pain and suffering.

Eventually, when I grew up and realised what I had done, I apologised to as many of those men as possible for the hurt and pain I had caused.

So, if a woman says 'I love you', she may truly mean it. You may be her true love. However, she may just be using you to feel better about herself because she actually prefers someone else or she may just be so needy that she will take 'love' from anyone and you are that anyone. The 'I love you' meaning 'I need you' and I'll do anything to ensure you stay around and meet my needs.

The trick is figuring out whether she is dysregulating because you actually are 'the one' and her fear of intimacy and engulfment and the push/pull routine has set in or whether she's just meeting her desperate need to feel better about herself in whatever way she can and you are just one more man in a whole line of wreckage.

I think discussions on these boards can get confused because we can not easily distinguish between these types of situations.

Love Lifewriter

[FannyB]

Hi Johnny

I was love-bombed for practically 6 months - and I fully reciprocated too. Her eyes, and her actions, at that time validated her sincerity. However it was not a mature, adult love - more a childlike rapture. I objectified the ideal partner that all borderlines seek, and whilst fulfilling that role I was rewarded with her utter devotion and 'undying love'. When reality crept in, and my imperfections were apparent, I was de-valued in the way a small child 'hates' a friend who has let them down. 

So to me it was not acting. That presumes she was consciously misleading you. Borderlines were damaged at an early age, and their inner narrative drives a repetitive cycle of behaviour that plays out with every attachment they make.

She is disordered - not evil.  You will learn from this escapade, whilst she is destined to repeat it.  Don't make it all about her - a better future is yours to grasp.

Fanny

[hergestridge]

To be honest the "I love yous" started quite early on in our relationship too, and it was my exwife who started it. She also started questioning if it was right to love someone so early in a relationship, which bothered me. Actually, she had her reason to doubt but she should have had that discussion with herself and not with me.

However, I realize one big mistake now. From the very first time she said "I love you" I didn't believe her. I knew from day one that her feelings were fleeting, changing and that doubt and projection was a bigger part of her nature than love and devotion. But I thought it was ok. As long as someone promised to be with me and love me, I didn't care if it wasn't real. That was my big mistake.

[WhatJustHappened?]

So this seems to be a common theme - one I have wrestled with a lot:

1.) Did our exBPDs really love us? and,

2.) Was it all just an illusion?

I have no idea. Maybe they have no idea either. Regardless, it's a cruel game for us NONs to play and answers will not come easy (if at all).

So I have resigned myself to just learn from the experience, mainly how to protect myself in the future from the tornado BPD is. I am sure that there was something there but doubt it was true love. Maybe more like a heavy "like".

Mine was a LDR which drove me crazy when I was in the relationship. Now I am thankful I live 1000 miles away.

[rotiroti]

I think most times I got the feeling that she was saying it TO GET A RESPONSE FROM ME.

Johnny, I think you've nailed it on the head.

A pwBPD is extremely insecure and is always searching for that 'perfect' partner that will soothe their emotional hurt. As soon as the attachment is made, they want to test to make sure it is there... .

Mine came incredibly early as well. Hell, it even came when we were just friends!

[myself]

She was just telling me what I wanted to hear

I experienced this too. Seems fairly common with pwBPD.

Although what I really wanted to hear was the truth.

By the end, it was apparent that very much of what she said was lies.

[Kendel]

Hi JohnnyShoes,

Honestly, each person with BPD is unique but they all do have similar traits. I think they may mean it when they say it, but those feelings and emotions are very fleeting for people with BPD.

Since they tend to think in 'all or nothing' terms, the 'all' is present when the idealization is high. That's is when the "I love you's" and charisma are very forthcoming, the attachment is exciting and affirming. Then something happens (anything really) and the 'nothing' kicks in and depersonalization starts. That is when ridicule and distancing starts. The non is seen as the problem in the 'skewed view' of the BPD person. In my experiences (both personal and clinical) with people who exhibit BPD symptomology, they are not behaving in this way 'intentionally and with malice' but they feel that you are either 'for' them or 'against' them. That is why nons tend to 'walk on eggshells' and not upset the balance, so the cycle of idealization/depersonalization doesn't start up again. In my 12 yr relationship with a BPD partner I have seen him do this 'cycle' with me and many many others.

And also don't forget there can be comorbidity with other personality disorders and MH issues as well; like narcissism, bipolar, OCD, histrionic, etc.

K.    

[Michelle27]

I fell for the love bombing early on too.  He was the first to say "I love you" and it was within the first week of seeing each other.  I take responsibility for being damaged myself (was only a few months out of my first marriage that was physically abusive and had zero self confidence).  I know now I didn't heal from my first marriage and jumped in whole heartedly with him thinking he must be my soul mate and I couldn't do any better.  I also now know that it was mirroring and he was so good at it that I learned to second guess my own gut instincts as far as red flags.  When the raging started (first really bad one was on our WEDDING DAY... .I now know it was his fears of engulfment kicking in).  Our situation was complicated with the year before we got married discovering his son from his first marriage had been sexually abused for years in his mother's home.  I jumped in to help with the resulting court dealings and my husband sunk into a depression that I believe is still part of his symptoms.  The raging got more frequent but I figured it was my job as his wife to take care of him and deal with his issues as well as take care of everything else... .I now see how codependent this was  but at the time, it was about keeping my head above water.  About 4 years after we got married I started working on myself (I think in part because I needed something I could actually control).  I began what would be huge changes in my life resulting in losing 140 lbs and become physically active for the first time in my life.  This brought about inner changes that allowed me to listen better to my gut instincts about him and his dishonesty.  I started putting up boundaries and insisting on consequences for them which led to our separation.  I sought counseling to deal with resentment and anger and learned I was actually mad at myself more than him for putting up with the abuse and believing the huge acting job he put on.  The detaching and healing had begun but it still took many months for me to finally realize I was done for good.

I do believe he believed he loved me, but it was not a healthy adult love.  I don't think he's capable of that without a lot of professional help first. I'm grateful I went through it because I believe I wouldn't be the person I am now if I hadn't gone through what I did.  And the biggest lesson I learned is to trust my instincts and if it's too good to be true, it probably is. 

[JohnnyShoes]

Very Sad. Its all very sad folks.

Thanks for the replies so far, read each and every one.

Hey Fanny,  I liked your reply about Adult Love vs Child etc.

Perhaps my exubpgf... .loved me the same way she would love her favorite ice cream flavor... .until she had enough and found cookies and cream