Legal separation v. divorce

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

BPD wife and I are separated and are moving towards divorce. While discussing divorce logistics, I mentioned that it is going to be interesting trying to figure out health insurance next year when I have to go off my parent's health insurance. I am still in school and probably will be for another 4-5 years.

She has offered to do a legal separation so that I can stay on her health insurance and continue to get the tax break.

I am nervous about this. Interactions that we have had over the last 7 weeks have been positive, she just wouldn't stop her affair and wouldn't decide to work on our marriage... .so here I am.

Any thoughts on this? I am worried that she is just trying to keep me in her life and will try to come back to me later on down the road and hold the health insurance over my head.

[turbo squash]

BPD wife and I are separated and are moving towards divorce. While discussing divorce logistics, I mentioned that it is going to be interesting trying to figure out health insurance next year when I have to go off my parent's health insurance. I am still in school and probably will be for another 4-5 years.

She has offered to do a legal separation so that I can stay on her health insurance and continue to get the tax break.

I am nervous about this. Interactions that we have had over the last 7 weeks have been positive, she just wouldn't stop her affair and wouldn't decide to work on our marriage... .so here I am.

Any thoughts on this? I am worried that she is just trying to keep me in her life and will try to come back to me later on down the road and hold the health insurance over my head.

[ForeverDad]

Is she in any way abusive?  Has she contemplated or threatened to file allegations against you?  (That is a favorite tactic or weapon we here have faced.  Of course, most who arrive here and seek legal help have faced aggressive or "acting out" pwBPD who painted us blacker than black.  Or is your spouse the "acting in" sort - so far?)  Even if she hasn't done so thus far, who knows what might trigger her down the road?

Are there any children?  Children are a particularly difficult, um, complication with ex-spouses who are erratic and often obstructive.  There could be 20 years of co-parenting to deal with.  What if you two remain 'married' and she manages to sweet talk you and get intimate with you again or somehow gets pregnant with your babies?  Then what?  Twenty years of your life linked to her life with the added complications of parenting, parenting schedules, child support, exchanges, unavoidable contact, etc.

What if you meet someone you want to marry and ex gets triggered and decides to sabotage and delay the shift from Legal Separation to Divorce?  Would someone want to date you if you're still legally married?

In other words, are the risks of extended linkage to her worth the money saved?

I believe most here would suggest the added costs of insurance would be a small price to pay for freedom from more years of unpredictable chaos and the pains that go along with it.

[livednlearned]

Would you stay legally separated for 4-5 years?

You feel nervous, and probably for good reason. That's your instinct talking to you -- it's probably the most trustworthy voice you'll ever hear.

My experience is that uncomplicated solutions appear, ones that you never considered when you tried to make difficult long-term decisions. Are you entering a program that might offer health benefits? Would your parents help you split the cost of insurance?

Very few of us experience a divorce that ends without a lot of conflict. If your wife is going to give you a drama-free divorce, by all means take it. It is staggering how painful and expensive it can be to deal with BPD with lawyers involved.

I thought my marriage was tough. It was amateur hour compared to the divorce. It's hard to imagine giving you advice that would potentially keep you involved, with the potential for things to get worse. Which they always do... .

[turbo squash]

You feel nervous, and probably for good reason. That's your instinct talking to you -- it's probably the most trustworthy voice you'll ever hear.

... .with the potential for things to get worse. Which they always do... .

You're absolutely right about my instinct. I doubted my instincts a lot throughout all of this and just ended up wasting more time and money on her. I say waste, but I didn't want to leave my marriage feeling like I had left no stone unturned... but it still bugs me sometimes.

You're right about things getting worse. I tried really hard for ~7 weeks to chase her. She admitted that I could not have done anything else to make it easier to come back, but she still didn't. It allows me to walk away with a clear conscience but it was gut wrenching work to do.

Is she in any way abusive?

In other words, are the risks of extended linkage to her worth the money saved?

She is emotionally abusive... .but that describes all people with BPD. Her acting out is mainly her being self destructive. Thankfully, she isn't the type that tries to screw people over. Plus, because I did so much chasing, she is actually painting me white right now and trying to come back to me. Her attempts are woefully underwhelming, but that is where she is right now.

As far as whether or not the risks are worth the reward... .she has already agreed to give me a sizeable chunk of money in the divorce. The savings on health insurance are peanuts compared to what she is giving me... .I'm thinking that I should just take that money and run... .

[Lifewriter16]

As far as whether or not the risks are worth the reward... .she has already agreed to give me a sizeable chunk of money in the divorce. The savings on health insurance are peanuts compared to what she is giving me... .I'm thinking that I should just take that money and run... .

I'd do just that if it were me in your situation.

Lifewriter x

[livednlearned]

That's good that she is not the type to screw people over.

There is another aspect to BPD that can be equally bewildering when it comes to legal stuff, though, and that's obstructing, delaying, and stonewalling. She may promise one thing, or agree to something, and when it comes time to sign her signature, she does a 180 and disappears on you or delivers something you never discussed.

I gave my ex the house. Gave. It. To. Him.

And it ended up costing me thousands and thousands of dollars in court hearings to get him to refinance and sign the papers. I had to take him to court twice, and then a third time to collect the legal fees after he finally took care of his end of things. It ended up costing me money to give him a house that had a lot of equity in it.   

Even when you are doing something positive it can turn into an exasperating mess made even more expensive because you're trying to deal with lawyers and courts.

[ForeverDad]

What is the legal status of the embryos?  How would they be affected by divorce?  What if she later decides to get pregnant with them, what would be your obligations, your rights?

[turbo squash]

Even when you are doing something positive it can turn into an exasperating mess made even more expensive because you're trying to deal with lawyers and courts.

THIS. I have spent a lot of time helping her move... .even though she has a new boyfriend. I wanted to keep the peace and I wanted to have a clear conscience and so I helped her.

The last time I tried to help her, she got upset with me and stormed out and refused to let me help her. She had said, "I know I don't deserve your help... ." and I responded with, "Yeah, I think you're right." Anybody that looked at the chain of events over the last three months would agree with me that she didn't deserve her help... .but because I agreed with what she said, that hurt her feelings.

Despite that BS, I told her I was sorry and that that wasn't a nice thing to say... .but her feelings were still hurt, she didn't let go of it, and she stormed out anyways. Then last night, she gets upset because I "forced her" to have to call her new boyfriend to help her move. I think one day the ridiculousness of it all will make me laugh.

[quote author-ForeverDad]

What is the legal status of the embryos?[/quote]
I've been told by the doctor that the documents we signed in the beginning dictate that the embryos will be discarded. Before an embryo can be implanted, both of us have to sign off on it. So I think I should be good there.