Do we ever move on?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was just reflecting and wondering if we, the non BPD truly ever move on from the damage and abuse caused by the BPD person in our lives.  I can ignore and forget but at times, it all comes back to remind me she is still out there, doing what she does, and there is nothing I can do about.  Other times, more lately, I do work on radical acceptance.  Just wondering about others.

[Pina colada]

I was just reflecting and wondering if we, the non BPD truly ever move on from the damage and abuse caused by the BPD person in our lives.  I can ignore and forget but at times, it all comes back to remind me she is still out there, doing what she does, and there is nothing I can do about.  Other times, more lately, I do work on radical acceptance.  Just wondering about others.

[MiserableDaughter]

I don't think we ever do... I guess, in my case, I have never gone NC and lived local (I'm 36) so I have always been faced with the continuing and triggering behaviors week after week. But my husband and I are moving across the country in a few months... .I am now in my head starting to detach and it's amazing that it's becoming freeing. For the first time, I am doing the exact opposite of what my uBPD mom and enDad would have ever wanted me to do. They only wanted me to stay near them so I could be my mom's emotional punching bag and she could posess my 3 year old... .But I am breaking free of that... .So I dont know if it will become easier when I am far away... .But the slight bit of detachment is helping me already.

[CeliaBea]

I imagine that most of us who grew up with BPD parents sustained deep emotional scars. Sadly, much of the damage, which results in lack of self-esteem, difficulty trusting, depression and a host of other issues, will have a major impact on us throughout our lives. I also doubt that it's possible to ever fully come to terms with being "orphaned", in a way, with the realization that we simply didn't have parents who loved us and cared for us.

However, I agree with MiserableDaughter that moving far away can help break free. It is also important to confront what happened in the past and to fully acknowledge the extent of the abuse. I have moved on quite a bit—therapy has been helpful, and researching trauma and personality disorders. It's easier though to understand what happened on an intellectual level than it is to accept it emotionally. Ultimately, what helped me break free was the fact that I gave up hope—hope that things between my parents and me could ever be normal, or even somewhat better. My parents don't love me, and I don't love them. I have accepted that, and that, as sad as it sounds, has made it much easier to get some much-needed distance.

Celia

[Rbrdkyst4]

Moving away is a great start! Distance helps clear the head and the air. It immensely helps to establish boundaries. If they want to come and visit, they HAVE to call, and you meet at a public place, and they stay at a hotel. Especially if it's tough for you to say those things, the distance is a nice cushion.

I'm still healing and it's been 7 - 8 years. There are still triggers. There are still things that have to be said. But all in MY time, when I'M ready. It's all a part of finally having a chance to grow without the restraints that we've had on all this time.

[MiserableDaughter]

Healing without restraint... .Very powerful words. That's what I think many of us continue suffering. We are always still subjected to them unless we go NC. I think that's why I'm moving. I've always felt like I've had no space to heal and just be ME... .I think we all need some space to heal... .Some mental and/or physical distance where we can breathe and grow.

[rotiroti]

No, and I don't believe that's a bad thing.

Hear me out - I really believe that to feel ultimate happiness we have to deal with pain and suffering. I'm not saying cherish the pain, but rather I mean we should keep the experience and hopefully grow from it one day. I've moved away 2000+ miles, it still hurts like crazy but I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It really is a big and beautiful world out there

[beatup]

Do we ever move on?

I just asked myself this too. I live 1500 miles from my uBPD sis and every year at this time I go back home to visit my brother & my cousins. The subject of my sister always comes up & upon my return home I had a dream about her. I feel like I haven't moved on & was considering going back to counseling. Maybe it was just the situation... .like a trigger I guess that brings the emotions to the surface. When I get settled back down at home I know it will pass. I also know that accepting the fact there is no hope of a relationship takes time but it is a critical step in moving on.

[Harri]

I was just reflecting and wondering if we, the non BPD truly ever move on from the damage and abuse caused by the BPD person in our lives.  I can ignore and forget but at times, it all comes back to remind me she is still out there, doing what she does, and there is nothing I can do about.  Other times, more lately, I do work on radical acceptance.  Just wondering about others.

Hi.  Do we ever move on from the damages and abuse? No.  Physical distance can help in terms of reducing or eliminating new traumas or abuses, but other than that, it does nothing to help us move on.  Distance, limited contact, no contact, etc are simply tools that we can use to protect us from further damage but do nothing in terms of healing past damage.  The damage caused is deep and profound and those scars make a difference in terms of how we interact with people and how we live our life now. 

Those times when memories come rushing back, when the emotions are so close to the surface, can be used as a guide to see what hurts are still within and where we still need to work on us.  Use these 'triggers' to your advantage. 

Do we move on?  Nope.  We can move through though (sorry for the cliche!).

[HappyChappy]

Pina colada, cheers. Good question. 

We do move on. Maybe not geographically, but we learn how to turn a negative irrational thought into a rational more cheerful one.  We build our self esteem.  " Only you can give permission to make you feel inferior." E.Roosevelt.

Despite our car crash upbringings, we’ve not just survived but we’re helpful pleasant people in the only chat room I know where there’s no bullying, swearing or dissing Donald Trump. Let's drink to that (do PM me your jokes about Trump).

[WindyDay]

Its tough when you are still talking with the person I think. Growing up with a BPD dad left me with scars in my personality forever but I think time and distance have let me grow more than if I had to deal with him every day.

Also having NC with my uBPD sis was really healing, the only problem for me is time also has a way of making us almost think that maybe they have changed. We were NC for 7 years and I let her back into my life only to be dealing with exactly the same things for the next 4 years until I recently went NC again, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders for sure!