Hello - and question about written contracts as a way of setting boundaries

[dipendra]

Hello everyone,

I've been in a relationship with my partner for 3 years now. Reading other stories on the website has helped to reduce the isolation I've felt recently (I'm tired of talking to friends/family, who more often than not dont understand anyway) - So im grateful for this resource.

I am at a point in our relationship where I am about ready to give up. The main problem is just the fighting, emotional flare-ups which sap all my energy and leave me drained. She goes from happy to hateful, to happy again. Whereas I've just been slowly deteriorating. My happiness climbs the longer she doesnt go crazy, but eventualy she does, and my happiness goes down again, and again, I have to bite my tongue, and unable to express myself in our relationship, whilst simultaneously living in an increasingly isolated social world due to her jealousies.

Recent triggers have been conversations with friends and ex on my phone (all platonic). She checks my phone. and recently she woke me up at 4am to fight about it. Anyway I want to set a firm boundary around that, so I want to write a contract out and get her to agree/sign it. Anyone had any experience with this? My condition will be now that she can no longer have access to my phone (ill password it), and she can never wake me up to ... .havea  fight? when shes crazy? discuss soemthing on her mind? im not sure how to word it actually... .because i would like to be able to be there for her if she woke me up gently with a concern she couldnt sleep with. not to tear shreds off me however. The third thing i want in it is that she goes to a counsellor. She told me today she knows she has a problem and wants to work on it, so thats good. im a bit skeptical shes pandering to me but u can never know i guess. So yeah, any tips? anything else i should contract, that might supercede these things/ be more conducive to a peaceful life and relationship ?

I was thinking of contracting that we have 'negative discussion time' two times a week or something, and all other times she should try to to self-manage.

Also, how do i enforce it if she plays up?

there seems like no good way for me to enforce anything anymore apart from breaking up. and im sick of threatening that now.  ofcourse she will play up and break the rules from time to time, thats fine, but any suggestions on how to enforce when she plays up that doesnt result in escalating her or actually breaking up? Do i use golden stars? It needs to be something really motivating. perhaps we shcedule weekyl date nght, and if she does play-up that week we have no date night, and i get to go out with my friends haha... .any thoughts?


Anyway, Ive gt my own ___ im dealing with, a bit of a narc, achnowledged and sometimes my behaviour can trigger her. im working on my own stuff.

Thanks again, everyone here is awesome, what an amazing place.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi dipendra,

your question about boundaries is a common one and many newcomers struggle to wrap their head around this. There is no simple answer other than working through the workshops as learning boundaries - in the sense as they are used here - requires some preparatory thinking that goes fairly deep as it touches on who you are and how you deal with conflicts.

One answer to your question "written contracts as a way of setting boundaries" is that this avenue is not likely successful as it assumes that the pwBPD is acting rationale. But I totally get how tempting that would be to have such a solution. Usually a pwBPD acts rationale like anyone else (or maybe irrational like anyone else  ) but when push comes to shove reason goes out of the window. And afterward only the toxic shame is increased.

Boundaries need to be owned by you. Yes, there are only very limited actions you can take but when taken consistently at the right time often significant changes are happening. You'll find pointers to boundaries in the LESSONS including other complementary tools that together form a consistent framework. A good way to start on boundaries is to study the material and form some concrete initial ideas how to go about it (like this post, which is establishing a goal). The feedback then can help to shape the plan further and build up confidence for taking a stand. Having the backing of the board can help you standing up for yourself. But in the end you need to stand up in a skillful way - paper does not impress an angry pwBPD.

,

a0