About to get sucked in... need advice

[understandnow]

My son recently has been accused of some crimes that police are investigating.  He is not allowed to see his children unsupervised.  My dilemma is my oldest granddaughter's mother who has primary custody has asked for an emergency exparte until the investigation is over.  My granddaughter and her mom, my son's ex, have always been a trigger to my son and especially to my Dil.   I have been caught in the middle in the past.  Now learning from this sight and reading books on BPD, I don't want to be in the middle, I don't want to be pulled into the triangle.  how do I stay out of this one.  I know my son will call me and ask if I knew about this emergency exparte and I why didn't I tell him first. That has always been his past behavior with anything to do with my granddaughter and her mom who I do have a relationship with because of my granddaughter who I see every week.   He will explode.  How can I validate my son and stay out of the triangle.  My son and Dil both have many if not all the BPD traits. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[thefixermom]

I think you will just have to accept he will explode... .and let him explode.  Keep yourself centered and your priorities in place. It sounds like his ex is doing what she should to protect your oldest granddaughter, and being reasonable since she put the conditions that it is in place only during the investigation.  :)o you think your son committed the crimes?  As far as validating your son, I would just keep it simple and minimal and don't offer up any regrets. Just tell him you understand he is upset and that it's a very difficult position to be in.  As far as why didn't you tell him first? Because you are still in shock and waiting to see how everything transpired and felt it was his daughter's mother's place to inform him, not yours.  Reassure him to take things one step at a time and that cooler heads will prevail, this too shall pass... .things like that.  I admire and support your decision to stay out of the middle. If this is different behavior for you then yes, expect some repercussions, but that's why change requires us to be brave and detached at times.  If it came easy then everyone would do it. Only those truly ready to bring about a new life have the muster to endure the "punishment" for positive growth in these circumstances. It is worth it!  Hang in there!

[understandnow]

I do believe he is guilty on some of his behavior and I totally support my gd mother.  My son will take it as a betrayal on my part that I knew about it and did not tell him.  Do you think I could just pretend I know nothing about it.  Lie of sorts.  The courts will contact him and it truly is between him and his ex.  Am I taking the easy way out?  This staying out of the triangle thing is hard for me as you can tell and I am truly working on it.

[lbjnltx]

There is really nothing you or he can do about the request submitted to the court to suspend visitation while the investigation is ongoing... .is there?

[understandnow]

No there is nothing I can do.  My concern is the aftermath of when he gets the notice from the court.  he knows I have a relationship with my gd's mom and wI'll ask me if I  knew about this emergency exparte and why I didn't warn him.  He already exploded on me when the police came to take the other grandkids away because I knew of the allegations from my gd's mother and stayed out of the situation and did not warn him.   He sees it as a betrayal.  He and his wife disregulates when they need to be accountable. 

[lbjnltx]

In SET format... .something like:

Support:  I want what is best for you and granddaughter. 

 

Empathy: I understand why you are upset, anyone in your position would be.

Truth:  I did not see the point in getting involved when there is nothing that you or I can do to affect the outcome of this request submitted to the courts.  We will just have to wait it out and see what the courts decide.  Regardless of the decision it may just be temporary pending the outcome of the investigation. 

[understandnow]

Thankyou lbjnltx.  Just what I wanted.  Sounds wonderful.  I will try that.  I'll let you know how it goes.  This is the best support forum ever. 

[thefixermom]

I really like what lbjnltx put forth, too!   I do want to add, though, that there have been times I lied to my DD when I knew she wouldn't find out that I already knew something and had not told her before she found out other ways. I felt bad inside being deceitful but at the time it seemed the best course for me to take and I don't regret it.

[understandnow]

Thankyou fixermom I truly am toying with lying or saying something on the lines of SET... .

Support-Son I love you and the grandchildren more than you know.  Dad and I want what is best for everybody involved.

Empathy- I know you are upset with all these allegations that you feel are false and unjust.  I would feel the same way.

Truth- people are saying and doing things that are not under my control and the consequences that are happening to everyone is beyond my control. I wish I could fix this whole mess but I can't.  If you need advice dad and I will be there for you.

What does everyone think? 

[lbjnltx]

That is a good set note!

You might want to give some thought to the statement "I wish I could fix this whole mess" as it could be interpreted as an offer to solve his problems when an opportunity arises for something to be done... .like pay a lawyer, testify on his behalf, have his visitation under your supervision, etc... .

Be cautious.

[understandnow]

Thankyou lbjnltx that is a good thought.  If I have to testify unfortunately it won't be to his advantage but I will cross that bridge when I have to. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders