dealing with younger sister when dad is dying

[pepper333]

hi,   My younger sister has always shown signs of BPD in my opinion.  Always upset when you don't do, say or act in a manner she wants you to.   Always brings up past experiences and its always my fault.  In fact it has been my fault that when i was a teenager ( not  a good one at that ) that she hates me so much.   I am 60 years old.  That was 40 years ago.  i never did anything really to hurt her just the regular stupid 70's stuff and she was 8 years younger.  Actually I protected her alot.  She gets violent when she does not get her own way   Is happy and then like the wicked witch of the west the next minute.  Wants all the attention and is playing the matyr.  My dad is dying and she told me she was going to help him for 10 days cause that was what she could get off work paid.   My husband was going to retire this year and decided to retire early to go care for him.   we are 400 miles away.  i let her know this and he put in for his retirement.   She arrived at my dads house to help for the 10 days then decided she would stay 3 months with out pay.   She has almost lost her house twice and spends money like crazy,.    I told her pete retired to help     she said she would do what she wanted and we could do what we wanted... and was not nice about it.   Then  a week later i called and she said she was staying there until dad got better or died,   well he has hospice and we all know he is not getting better.   my husband got tired of this roller coaster and decided to go back to work part time.  When i talked to her i said pete retired to help and can you afford it cause it may take a year for him to pass.  she screamed at me stating she did not want to hear about pete retiring and it was not of my f____ing business about her money.   I hung up on her and took her off of facebook and have not had contact since. I do call my dad every other day and apparently she has been telling him, my brother and who knows who else lies that I yelled at her and i am being unreasonable.  Thank God my brother knows better but he wants me to as always be the bigger person and get along with her.   I told him i would deal with it and he does not have to get involved.   

Prior to knowing my dad had cancer he was in the hospital and he drinks alot ( I mean alot )  not a mean or violent person just lonely for my mom who passed 5 years ago.   My sister overheard me telling someone that I did not believe he would stop drinking when he got out of the hospital since this was going on for the last 5 years.   she came storming out yelling at me stating i did not love dad and how come i was not on the same page as her thinking everything would be ok.  she kept yelling at me and said she was going home and grabbed her keys and kept walking around in circles freaking out.  I did not want her to drive in that condition and grabbed the keys and she dug her fingernails deeply into my arms and kept screaming b___ at me.   she finally settled down and went to a room. I was sitting there and just kept thinking she is so crazy she may come out and hit me with a bat or something so i went and locked myself in the bedroom.   she left that night after i fell asleep and e mailed me a long apology.   this is not the first time with these type of experiences.    At this point i have cut off contact with her and alot of people think i should just put up with it until dad dies.     Honestly i cant.       

[Auslaunder]

Pepper,

I think your physical safety is the first priority. I think you should bring someone with you when you need to speak with your sister. That might discourage the violent behavior and will make you feel safer and more in control if you she does lash out at you again. It's OK to set boundaries with her against this violence. Tell her you will report her to the police if she behaves that way again. My father gets physical when he doesnt get what he wants, but reminding him I won't put up with it immediately stops it.

I think you need to speak with your father's hospice care team about her behavior and possible violence so they will know to look out for signs that she is abusing your father. I assume that she will tell his doctors and nurses incorrect information as well, so they should also know this. Do you and your husband currently have healthcare power of attorney for your father? Your sister is not stable enough to make healthcare decisions. Her decisions will be a reflection of how she feels, not honoring the type of decisions your father would make for himself. And the way she feels sounds like she's not going to accept your father dying, despite him choosing hospice. Deaths are especially difficult for people with BPD because they have abandonment issues. It sounds like a slow motion train wreck.

There isn't an easy way to go no contact in your situation. My experience with hospice care required a lot of in person meetings to make medical decisions (long distance doesn't work well) since your sister desperately wants to be involved, she will be impossible to fully avoid. This site has good information that can help you improve communication skills and set boundaries with your BPD sister so there will be less conflict.

[Kwamina]

Hi pepper333

I am very sorry that your father is terminally ill. You've also already lost your mother. It's never easy having someone you love so sick and knowing that they unfortunately likely won't get better.

You do call your dad every other day, how is your relationship with him?

It's very sad that your sister behaves the way she does, this only makes this already difficult situation more difficult. Protecting yourself is indeed very important. Setting and enforcing/boundaries can be helpful but in some cases it's best to remove yourself from the dangerous situation, as you did in that example you mentioned. It becomes clear from your post that you (at times) don't feel safe around your sister. This is a very sad situation, having to protect yourself from your own sister, if needed protecting yourself might require calling an emergency number or hotline.

You say your sister has always shown signs of BPD, has she perhaps ever seen a doctor or therapist for her problems? Was her behavior always this extreme or is this more something of the last 5 years since your mother died?

I am glad your are reaching out for support here as you're going through this difficult time. Take care