uBPD Mom - Someone tell me I'm not crazy

[tunaniel]

I am happily married with two daughters under the age of 4.  I have an older brother who also has a young family.  We lost our Dad in a tragic accident almost seven years ago, shortly after I got engaged.  Growing up, my Dad had been amazing at covering up for Mom's shortcomings.  But shortly before his death, he opened up to me about his struggles with Mom; timely.  It came out later that he'd considered leaving many times, but Christian values and love for us kids surely kept him strong.  He's a saint.

My Mom had gone over ten years with zero contact with her two older sisters and their family; disconnecting us from the cousins.  As a teenager, I remember my Dad often saying "You're Mom's just jealous."  ":)on't be like your Mom."  "Live your life."  All powerful statements.  At the time, I didn't understand fully.

Mom expected Joe and I to call off our wedding after Dad's death; for her sake.  She also expected him to re-ask her for a blessing to marry me.  We moved one province away after our marriage.  Instead of gaining a son in law, she saw it as LOSING a daughter; just one more terrible loss in her life.  The next year, we moved overseas for a year of work in New Zealand.  She talked about coming for a visit, where we'd tour around together and have a gay old time.  Well, when I announced our pregnancy, I got a painful response; emotionless, in fact.  "Oh, was that planned? I guess I won't be coming for a visit now." 

Once arriving home, a bit early, she made it clear that we were not to expect anything from her.  Unemployed, we stayed with dear friends for a short time.  That same dear friend threw a baby shower for me once our daughter was born.  She also made the mistake of including my Mom in the planning and prep.  I'm not sure what went down, but out of jealousy, I'm sure my Mom said something inappropriate and hurtful.  My friend, being selfless, told me nothing of what went on; wanting me to enjoy the day.  As I walked my Mom to the car, she vented of how this friend of mine couldn't even say hello to her! "I WISH I':) NEVER EVEN COME!"  Wow, won't forget that one.  Once again, ALL ABOUT HER.

Fast forward four years, we're now living on the family acreage just ten minutes from my Mom, and two hours from my brother.  My husband has a wonderful job just down the road from us. We are happy, blessed, in love.  My Mom has recently reached a new low.  She's argumentative with her sisters again.  Irritable.  There are health concerns which I'm in the dark about.  A few weeks ago, I drove her to the city for a specialist appointment.  My sweet daughter had it on her mind to pray for Grandma before she went into the office.  My Mom was too upset about the girls coming along (she'd had her heart set on a Mom & Daughter outting, and apparently my daughters got in the way), so she saw fit to SLAM the door as she said goodbye.  I spent the next twenty minutes consoling my tearful toddler. 

Shortly after that, my in-laws visited.  We seldom see them more than twice a year.  The girls were thrilled.  Mom expressed interest in seeing them, but it didn't fit with our schedule and they weren't visiting for that long.  I ran into Mom at the farmer's market the day before they left.  She marched over to me (annoyed that our daughter was too caught up with the ' other grandma' ) and told me off in public. "I don't know why you ignore me when your inlaws are in town.  That's not the way it was when I was your age!" Apparently, she was the perfect child and I could learn a great deal from her?

Well, after enough inflammatory statements/attacks (meant to instill obligation and guilt) what does a normal people do but withdraw? She's accused me of being ' icy cold'  since; clueless apparently? She says she feels as lonely as a homeless person.  She dreamed of many evening one-on-one visits (LOVES TO HAVE ME ALONE!) but said that her dreams never come true.

I have no idea what to do or say anymore.  It's emotionally taxing for everyone.  I want to tell her to go straight to hell and never talk to her again.  I want to move across the country and never speak to her again.  I want her to go to sleep and never wake up.  I want her to stop making me feel like such a disappointment.  I haven't changed! I am the same person I've always been! How do you tell someone who only thinks of themselves how they make you feel? She's DISCONNECTED from me because she never asks me anything about myself.  Her feels are all that matter.  Apologies NEVER happen.  ALWAYS THE VICTIM!

My four year old has been begging Grandma for a sleepover (ever since my brother's daughters had one.) It's a big to do.  All the stars must align.  Mom's been making excuses for weeks.  I can't stand my daughter's disappointment.  And yet, with how my Mom is behaving, I wouldn't want my daughter spending time alone with her.  She's manipulative and downright emotionally abusive.  She sent my daughter mail, telling her how much she misses her and the fun.  Then she quizzed my daughter on if she received this or not (paranoid?) when we bumped into her.  She used to throw away the mail my aunts sent me when our families were out of contact... .

Anyways, my mind is swimming.  I hate how all consuming this becomes.  My husband wondered if family counselling would help.  So WHY am I wasting time going for counselling when this problem/situation has NOTHING to do with me... .well, in other words, I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH MY TIME! I am self employed with two busy daughters and not once in the past year did my Mom OFFER to help or take the girls for a couple hours; not once and yet I'm supposed to DROP EVERYTHING and be at her beckon call the minute she peeps?

I'm tired of being her emotional go-to... .having the impossible task of filling her vacuous heart! It's too much to ask. 

Someone tell me I'm not crazy.

[Justme1]

I could relate to so many things that you just said. No, you're not crazy! 

After going through many ups and downs with my uBPD mom, I cut off all communication with her for about a year. It helps that I live on the other side of the country now. Then slowly I started talking with her on the phone about benign topics like current events and books that we were reading. If she starting "acting up," I'd end the conversation. For the past six months or so my mom and I have communicated frequently on the phone and there were no issues. Honestly, I felt like it was a miracle! This was the first time in my life that we were able to act like a semi-normal family. She told me that she's on some sort of medication (I believe for depression, although I don't know for sure.) But unfortunately tonight she started bringing up the issues and laying on a guilt trip about how I treated her. Telling me details about how I brought her to the brink of suicide a few years ago. (This was out of the blue.) ... .

So anyway, all that to say I was feeling down, but reading your post made me feel a little better. It's good to know I'm not alone in this struggle! I hope we're both able to find a way to cope.

[JohnnyShoes]

You're not crazy.

I've got a mom too. Right now, she's giving me the silent treatment from 1500 miles away... cause I called her on her bday to wish her a happy... and during the conversation, told her o had someone I liked a lot in my life, and was thinking of marriage... .

Then she turned into Hyde and RAGED! Saying "Where's my Birthday card?"

Wtf?

Anyway... no you're not crazy... .and if you didn't love your "mom"... .You wouldn't care.

So... .you sound like a very loving woman who has a mother that has some problems. :-(

Sorry I can't be much help.

I'm still coming to grips my mother's a uBPD.