DO you ever just wish you could forget ?

[strugglingOnward]

I mean seriously, if I could forget certain things involving my father in life, short of  needing heavy  drugs or brain damage, I would

1   The time he said "What you want is not important"  This was word for word what he said when I was starting high school. The counselor had spent the day talking with each of us for a short time as a group and one on one, gave us a list of classes and told us to write down things that interested us. He then showed us how to find clusters and areas which would allow us to explore electives and follow subjects which we found most interesting.

So, I took the  forms home, had already fgilled them out, showed them to my dad, who promptly erased everything I had put down, opened the course book and said "NO ! This is what you are going to take"  When I said "I'd like to take... ." He cut me off and said "What you want is not important."   After all, it was my life and he was determined to micro-manage every bit of it.

This scene is something I will never forget, because it determined our relationship to probably now. What I want is, in his eyes, not important; only what he wants is important.

On a side note, in spite of  stellar SAT scores and supposed near genius level IQ Scores, I never finished high school. I sunk into a depression, having to take classes and be involved  in things which I had no interest, but because he chose them for me.

2 Even though I did not finish high school, being 18 and having 1300+ SAT scores  got me in to a local community college where I managed at first to  make straight As for a year.  Things were going OK until he stepped in and informed me that I would be going to a university to major in Engineering. Now I had no interest  in engineering, no desire to major in Engineering, but for some psychotic reason, he was obsessed with that idea. I tried to a take a few engineering classes, but did not like it. SO I tried to explain to him why I was not majoring in Engineering, and why I was choosing a different college instead. He  said "You're just doing that because you hate me" and turned around and walked off. I thing that was the deeper well which we never recovered. He has spent the years obsessing about where I work and how much work I do (Every topic, regardless of the company present or the location) ALWAYS  got back to him asking me about work... .when I was working again, why I wasn't at work then, why I didn't have a second job,  etc. At some point I just quit talking to him. My feeling was that  since he cannot talk about anything but work, and I have no desire to  obsess about work like he does, we had no common ground.  But in a way it all goes back to  the many times he has said that if I had done what he wanted and gotten the engineering degree, then I would be able to have the job and life he wanted me to have. 

Which is not what I wanted at all. And according to him, this is only because I hate him.

3I wish I forget all the times , thousands of times, that he picked a fight just so he could accuse me of hating him.

One summer my friend called me right before school was out to tell me that he had landed a summer job with the local park service and had put in a word for me. TO save money, the town contracted out park and rec services to an outside company (Which we called the consortium)and during the summer they hired a few high school kids to help out. This was a primo job, paid about 3x what everyone else paid who worked in fastfood or retail. I ran right down and got hired and was  excited, thinking about all the fun we would have working there and making  that kind of money.

SO about a week later, when  my dad returned from a business trip, he was sitting around and he said "Oh I talked to so and so and he is going to hire you to work at the grocery store this summer"  I told him I already had a job to which he said "I don't want you working there I want you working at the grocery store." 

Clearly, this was another one of his control issues.

I went on to work for the consortium with the agreement (Or as my dad called it "A BARGAIN" That I would work the summer at the consortium and then go to the grocery store in the fall. Problem is, my dad always made agreements and rarely kept his end. Half way through the summer, the boss said "Oh your dad told me not to give you any work this week"  SO I go home and  confront the old man, he seemed rather  proud of himself and said "Well I guess you can go get a job at the grocery store now then"

I never worked at the grocery store, and I somehow made it through the summer working for the consortium. But along the way, I had to hear my dad accuse me of hating him, of having this job ONLY because I hated him,  and along with the sulking "Well how about if I just go away? Everyone would be happier and better off if I just left" CLASSIC BPD

BUT at the time, we did not know that... .

[claudiaduffy]

Yeah.  :'( It would be easier to forget, sometimes. I'm so sorry that these memories are weighing you down and eating at you.

The one thing that makes me glad of the worst memories is that they keep me from letting my healthy boundaries break down, now. My uBPDmom can go for months with mostly only "good" behaviors, but remembering the dozens of awful key moments helps me remember that my boundaries are there for a good reason and that I'm not just spitefully holding my mom at arm's-length. I don't think about those worst memories often - that has stabilized a bit since the last time I was in therapy, thank goodness - but I am glad I can remember them when I need to.

[Leaving]

Sounds like your father ( perhaps a narcissist?)  was never content being himself so he's trying to control you and make you be what he needs you to be.   What a controlling man he is!  Yikes. 

You should always follow your own path with heart but be careful and always aware of why you are on a particular path.  I would hate for you to choose something in opposition of your father's wishes rather than pursuing what you truly want. Have you ever met with a therapist?  They can help you find your own passion and stay focused and grounded.  It's really challenging trying to live your own life with a controlling parent who pulls your strings all the time.  I admire you for defending your interests. 

[Boxernanna]

There are a lot of things I would like to forget about what my low-functioning uBPD mother said and did. Most of these happened to me as an adult, because I have blocked memories as a child. My loss of childhood memories was a protective mechanism I wish I still had. My brother recently shared with me he also has trouble remembering his childhood. We both survived our childhoods because of this, but we both have severe trust issues as adults. Neither of us have married or had children.

I have gone NC with my mother and codependent father, because my life is much healthier and happier without them. I have a successful professional career and remain functional. I am slowly rebuilding my self esteem, but doubt I will ever be strong enough to withstand a relationship with my parents.

My brother is still close to them, but not doing well. He has attempted suicide and has been unemployed for almost three years, despite having a professional degree. In a way, he has become a codependent and enabler, even though he knows my mother is BPD. He states he understands my NC, but does not agree with it. Out of respect, he does not bring up the subject of my parents with me in normal conversation, unless he needs to vent. I listen and give advice, but I never allow myself to be pulled back into the drama.

I have very ugly adult memories of my uBPD mother, but if I ever feel moments of weakness concerning my NC, I pull up uTube videos of her rages. Yes, I video'd them with the mistaken notions they may make her come to her senses and get help or they might prove useful to a mental health professional. So far, the only use for them has been to show them to well-meaning friends, who have no concept how ugly a parent can be to their adult child.

[Leaving]

There are a lot of things I would like to forget about what my low-functioning uBPD mother said and did. Most of these happened to me as an adult, because I have blocked memories as a child. My loss of childhood memories was a protective mechanism I wish I still had. My brother recently shared with me he also has trouble remembering his childhood. We both survived our childhoods because of this, but we both have severe trust issues as adults. Neither of us have married or had children.

I have gone NC with my mother and codependent father, because my life is much healthier and happier without them. I have a successful professional career and remain functional. I am slowly rebuilding my self esteem, but doubt I will ever be strong enough to withstand a relationship with my parents.

My brother is still close to them, but not doing well. He has attempted suicide and has been unemployed for almost three years, despite having a professional degree. In a way, he has become a codependent and enabler, even though he knows my mother is BPD. He states he understands my NC, but does not agree with it. Out of respect, he does not bring up the subject of my parents with me in normal conversation, unless he needs to vent. I listen and give advice, but I never allow myself to be pulled back into the drama.

I have very ugly adult memories of my uBPD mother, but if I ever feel moments of weakness concerning my NC, I pull up uTube videos of her rages. Yes, I video'd them with the mistaken notions they may make her come to her senses and get help or they might prove useful to a mental health professional. So far, the only use for them has been to show them to well-meaning friends, who have no concept how ugly a parent can be to their adult child.

Hi Boxernanna,

I can relate to so much of your experience with your brother and mother.  It makes me sad to hear about your brother and his struggles but your experience and desire to seek happiness despite the painful choices, is so inspiring and offers hope to us all.  You sound very strong and very healthy and I'm glad that you've been able to establish healthy boundaries with your family.  It is a bittersweet blessing that you are able to recall memories from your childhood.  I know how difficult it can be but you  have been able to make progress and grow beyond the emotional constraints of your painful childhood.  The truth really does set us free.

I'm in the same NC state that you are with my mother and brother ( his choice to be NC with me).  Like your brother, mine doesn't agree with my NC but I'm not sure that my brother even understands why at all.  He tends to minimize our mother's behavior for several reasons.  One being that she's the only family we have and he has two daughters and feels more secure knowing that they have a grandmother.  The other issue is that he's her golden child and she's trained him to be the perfect gentleman, to take the high road and forgive everything as it happens and who cares for his mother.  I found out through another relative that there have been periods of NC between my mother and brother but that he ultimately runs back to her. For years I thought he had managed to create immunity against our family dysfunction and I wanted to be just like him- strong and wise and rise above it all.  But, since his marriage, divorce and having children, I can see how he's very weak and unstable.  I'm actually stronger than he is.  To an outsider, my brother's life looks normal.  He's the professional with a successful career and he has wealth and two beautiful high performing daughters.  That's really just an illusion.  His job is killing him, he's not even 50 years old and he's on high blood pressure meds, has had a series of autoimmune problems, his daughter has an anxiety problem and eating disorder and she's just turned 15.  He married a narcissistic borderline.  His therapists have been no help at all but my brother also believes that he's the master of his life and that his past has no effect on his present or future.  In other words, he's a control freak. 

I don't worry with forgiving or remembering anymore.  No one ever asked to be forgiven or thought they needed it, so there's no point in me judging them one way or another and feeling any need to offer it.  I think it's good to remember why we are in NC !  But, I'm ready to move forward without remembering all the specifics.  I have enough triggers in my life that reveal a glimpse into those painful experiences.  In those moments, I sigh with a sense of surrender to the hopelessness I feel for my loss of family but also with relief that I am free.

[Auslaunder]

We have the same father. Are we related  My father chose all my extracurriculars and schools. He didn't have much interest in my education advancing far, he feared it, so he kept me at lower ranking schools the best he could. He chose my college major. I wanted to major in biology but he thinks women are bad at science and" pretty women" (he considers me pretty but in a very disparaging sort of way) especially don't belong in it. He wanted me to be a lawyer or a business woman. I won several awards in the sciences in high school so I was not bad at science. My father treated my siblings the same way and we all harbored a great dislike for our careers in our twenties. My middle brother perhaps took the most drastic step of dropping out of a surgical residency for a couple years with mountains of student loan debt.

"Whereof what's past is prologue. What to come, in mine and yours discharge."

It might be easier to forget, but the events of the past are the way by which we arrived at the present moment. Rememberin,  understanding and accepting the past is insight into the present. Shakespeare is speaking about fate. To him the past makes the prologue which has inevitable outcomes. Taking control of the past is taking control of the present. It returns choice.

I try to look for the ways my experiences have shaped me in positive ways.  I know if I can survive all this, I can survive anything. I must very strong.