Rebuilding

[fft524]

Does anyone have guidance on rebuilding one's life after a BPD breakup? We were on the codependent side of interdependency, and our lives pretty much revolved around one another (outside her various trysts), and I'm finding it extremely difficult to re-engage with normal life... .she was almost always around and wanted to share every waking moment with me, which to a point, I was ok with.

She left so coldly, cruelly, and suddenly, that I'm still reeling... .I don't want to rush into anything, I need time to heal, but yet life seems so empty right now. Hanging out with friends feels alien and uncomfortable at present, because she took up so much of my time, yet I don't want to be alone, either.

[enlighten me]

Its tough I personally am an introvert so not overly fussed with going out.

Maybe try something out of the ordinary. Is there anything that you've always wanted to do? A charity parachute jump or learn to scuba dive. Something you couldn't do normally. I learnt to dive which was perfect for how I was feeling. People are so caught up in the experience that theres not much room for personal stuff. Plus when underwater you cant talk. And it was something that Ive always wanted to do and was amazing.

[Mutt]

Hi fft524,

I'm sorry to hear that. I understand the void when our partners leave suddenly. I'm an introvert like enlighten me and I'm also the caretaker type.

Hanging out with friends feels alien and uncomfortable at present, because she took up so much of my time, yet I don't want to be alone, either.

Do you have a pet? We can take care of a pet and it can help with loneliness, anxiety and stress.

[Invictus01]

Does anyone have guidance on rebuilding one's life after a BPD breakup? We were on the codependent side of interdependency, and our lives pretty much revolved around one another (outside her various trysts), and I'm finding it extremely difficult to re-engage with normal life... .she was almost always around and wanted to share every waking moment with me, which to a point, I was ok with.

She left so coldly, cruelly, and suddenly, that I'm still reeling... .I don't want to rush into anything, I need time to heal, but yet life seems so empty right now. Hanging out with friends feels alien and uncomfortable at present, because she took up so much of my time, yet I don't want to be alone, either.

Exercise. I got myself in the best shape I have been in a long long time (maybe ever) because I'd spend hours running or lifting weights. I couldn't sleep, so I was in the gym at 5 am. Kinda though to think about anything other than not dropping a dumbbell on your head or when you are on the 10th mile of a run and your lungs are trying to jump out of your chest. As the pleasant side effect of that, I now get all sorts of attention from women although only maybe the last month or so I started thinking about dating again (10 months after the break up). I am alright with that

[fft524]

You all sound just like me, for the most part. I'm somewhere between an introvert and an extrovert... .very reserved, but something of an adrenaline junkie; hence the attraction. I'm at the point now where I'm beginning to find myself again, but I'm already sick of being alone most of the time after barely two weeks. We used to do quiet things together, so I'm having to readjust. I'm in a situation where I have difficulty meeting new people, and when I meet new groups, I invariably get hit on (tough life, right?), but I just don't have any interest in anyone else. My focus right now is on me. My game plan right now is to join a local CrossFit gym... .   

[fft524]

So I'm not sure if anyone is familiar with it, but I'm watching "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas", and in a way, it reminds me of being in a relationship with a pwBPD.

I find the comparison pretty funny... .gallows humor, perhaps?

[enlighten me]

Brilliant movie. I also found it to be reminiscent of my relationship with exgf. A wild crazy rollercoaster ride.

You say your an adrenaline junkie so why not use that. I used to rock climb, canoe and do a lot of crazy things. Is there anything like that you could get involved with?

I can understand the loneliness. My xbox and playstation took a hammering.

The only way to end the loneliness is to either accept it or get back out into the world. I personally like my own company. Im quite easy going and get on with myself  . I do however miss interacting with people. I now have my sons live with me so never on my own but I do miss adult company.

[fft524]

I'm ruminating on my situation, and at present, it seems pretty unfair. She did what she did, we are where we are, life goes on. My struggle now is to find understanding support. Her entire family is here, and she grew up here, so she has all of the support she could possibly want (and then some). On the other hand, I feel like I'm twisting in the wind. Her family did everything they could to help us out as we tried to work things out, but they (obviously) won't be there for the both of us now. They treated me like one of them, and I miss that... .I miss them.  My family is 10 hours away, but I have a few close friends here, but none of them truly understand what I'm going through. I'm in counseling (same counselor we were seeing together), but I'm unsure if she will be biased in trying to help me through this, as my (undiagnosed)ex was the one who found her and brought me into their sessions. It's difficult, because even though this person diagnosed me with PTSD as a result of dealing with my ex, she seemed quite biased towards my ex, and tried to pressure me into making decisions before I was ready. She treated her with kid gloves, but not so much on my end. It baffles me that she never explained PTSD to my ex, but went to great lengths to explain my ex and her  "situation" to me. It's almost as though she got caught in the web, too.

[Sadly]

Can't you leave, move nearer to your family, take yourself out of the memory zones. Even to make a step towards that by looking for another job near your family might help even if it takes time. This is what I have done. I rented my home here, my ex bought his, directly over the road from me. This was our street, our pubs, our cafes, our shops, people recognised us as a couple. It is not now, this is his area, his home and I knew that one day, if I stayed around I would open my door and see him walking down our road with someone else. It was so hard to begin with, but now I have a fine new job starting in October and every day look on line at new homes to rent. Once I could barely see the screen through my tears but now I am starting to picture my belongings in these empty homes just waiting for me. I still love my ex, I still cry sometimes for my loss but the long lonely sad hours of every day are becoming less, just like everyone on here told me they would. I am starting again, far away from him, me and my little cat are going on an adventure and nothing pleases me more that I am now getting excited about my future again instead of the hollow black emptiness my life had become. Some may call it running away, I think of it as self preservation and an adventure. New horizens. Can't be bad xx 

[eeks]

I'm ruminating on my situation, and at present, it seems pretty unfair. She did what she did, we are where we are, life goes on. My struggle now is to find understanding support. Her entire family is here, and she grew up here, so she has all of the support she could possibly want (and then some). On the other hand, I feel like I'm twisting in the wind. Her family did everything they could to help us out as we tried to work things out, but they (obviously) won't be there for the both of us now. They treated me like one of them, and I miss that... .I miss them.  My family is 10 hours away, but I have a few close friends here, but none of them truly understand what I'm going through. I'm in counseling (same counselor we were seeing together), but I'm unsure if she will be biased in trying to help me through this, as my (undiagnosed)ex was the one who found her and brought me into their sessions. It's difficult, because even though this person diagnosed me with PTSD as a result of dealing with my ex, she seemed quite biased towards my ex, and tried to pressure me into making decisions before I was ready. She treated her with kid gloves, but not so much on my end. It baffles me that she never explained PTSD to my ex, but went to great lengths to explain my ex and her  "situation" to me. It's almost as though she got caught in the web, too.

Do you feel currently that you can trust your counsellor to be objective and non-judgmental?  If you were to share your concern about what happened during the couples counselling, how you felt there was an imbalanced treatment, , do you think she would be receptive to talking about it?

[fft524]

Eeks, I'm not sure what to think. I went to my first "post replacement discovery" session today. She was much more supportive than I expected. I described some of my ex's more BPD behaviors, and the counselor seems to think that she's more dependent than BPD. She did acknowledge that my ex's most recent behavior was BPD-ish, but she thinks that something else is up. My ex is finishing college, and is dependent on her grandparents for money. The grandparents aren't fans of mine, due to symptoms of my PTSD, which is related to events that happened about 6 months after we started dating (which they don't know about, due to family problems). I've never been abusive or mean, just withdrawn and hyper-vigilant. The counselor (who has worked with my ex longer than she has with me) is convinced that the grandparents viewed me as a hurdle to the ex's success, and gave her an ultimatum involving me or the money. The counselor and I are both convinced that someone is holding something over her. The replacement is a felonious predator, and likely found her at her weakest. Her behavior is unlike anything the counselor or I have ever seen from her. Even in the bad times when she was ready to leave, she had always planned on doing it in session. The counselor is convinced that she did what she did due to the grandparents, and that the replacement is a rebound. (But seriously, 1 week?) I really don't know what to think anymore. The two counselors that have actually seen her don't think she's BPD, but those who haven't think she is. All I know is that my heart is broken, I'm crushed, and I don't know where to go from here or who to trust.

[eeks]

Eeks, I'm not sure what to think. I went to my first "post replacement discovery" session today. She was much more supportive than I expected. I described some of my ex's more BPD behaviors, and the counselor seems to think that she's more dependent than BPD. She did acknowledge that my ex's most recent behavior was BPD-ish, but she thinks that something else is up. My ex is finishing college, and is dependent on her grandparents for money. The grandparents aren't fans of mine, due to symptoms of my PTSD, which is related to events that happened about 6 months after we started dating (which they don't know about, due to family problems). I've never been abusive or mean, just withdrawn and hyper-vigilant. The counselor (who has worked with my ex longer than she has with me) is convinced that the grandparents viewed me as a hurdle to the ex's success, and gave her an ultimatum involving me or the money. The counselor and I are both convinced that someone is holding something over her. The replacement is a felonious predator, and likely found her at her weakest. Her behavior is unlike anything the counselor or I have ever seen from her. Even in the bad times when she was ready to leave, she had always planned on doing it in session. The counselor is convinced that she did what she did due to the grandparents, and that the replacement is a rebound. (But seriously, 1 week?) I really don't know what to think anymore. The two counselors that have actually seen her don't think she's BPD, but those who haven't think she is. All I know is that my heart is broken, I'm crushed, and I don't know where to go from here or who to trust.

I would be curious to know whether you feel it helps your healing to know whether she is borderline, dependent, and/or other diagnoses.  I understand that you are reeling and in psychological shock from what's happened, and you clearly need support.  You are also feeling the sudden aloneness (as you used to spend a lot of time with your ex) and missing companionship.

In my opinion, the most helpful therapy and support helps you focus on and tune into your feelings when the other person behaves as they do, not just talking about their behaviours.  Then, you can start to understand "yourself-in-relationships" a bit better.

With regards to "whom to trust", I hope you can, at minimum, trust us here on this discussion board. 

[enlighten me]

Hi fft524

Im just wondering from what you wrote whether the counsellor you are seeing is best for your recovery from PTSD.

I say this because where she is familiar with your ex there might be more being put into that part of things than actually treating the PTSD. The fact that your ex coms up so much could be triggering. From what Ive seen with PTSD with myself and a number of friends who suffer from it is that it is personal. Its hard for me to explain this so I'll give you a some examples.

I took everything that my exgf said about me personally. I blamed myself for doing everything wrong even though I didn't believe it. This led to the walking on eggshells until eventually I was scared to do anything.

A friend had a near miss in a rocket attack in Iraq. A few days later he had another near miss. He started to see it as they were personally targeting him.

A friend saw something in Afghanistan and tried warning people about it. The information didn't get through and people got injured. He blamed himself for this as he believed he didn't do enough to prevent it.

By starting with a clean sheet a new therapist might be more helpful. Just a thought.

[fft524]

I've been thinking more about my situation (imagine that, right?), and something a previous counselor we saw said to me is really sticking. She told me that there was nothing I could do, and I needed to get out of the situation. Wish I'd listened. As I said in one of my posts in another forum here, trying to establish congruency between her behaviors, words, etc. just leaves me sad and upset. I'm taking serious inventory of myself and how I got here. It's helping.  The comment that the counselor made that's sticking is that she's definitely an adult child of an alcoholic, and definitely has BPD traits. That said, focusing on her issues and behavior didn't do anything to help us then, and it definitely isn't helping me now.

As someone with a heart, I worry about her because my replacement is my polar opposite--multiple felony domestic violence arrests, among other things.

Sometimes you just have to let the cards fall where they will. I didn't marry her, we weren't engaged, so there really isn't a reason for me to go down with that ship... .there really isn't even a reason for me to think about her anymore. That will come with time, though. Right now, I'm just doing my best to concentrate on ME.