Need help after being dumped. Is this the final discard?

[ridefast]

I have been having an affair with a BPD woman ( we are both married) for 4.5 years. We worked together for a period of time and when I got promoted to a new role and would no longer be working with her she expressed that she was very sad and depressed laying in bed on the weekends. I offered to meet her for coffee and remain friends and stay in touch. our relationship became a lot of email, phone calls, meetings for coffee and then our relationship grew into sex and then lots of it. She idolized me and said we were soul mates. I believed we were at this point. Gradually I noticed distancing and her quick temper and then fighting. She devalued me after about a year but the entire time said she would leave her husband for me and I was ready to do the same. 3.5 years of being devalued dumped and taken back the next day, it usually involved me questioning what she was doing with her husband. She claimed they don't have sex, they don't sleep in the same bed nor eat together, We were in constant communication from waking up to bed time by text or phone. It was intense and never ending we were totally enmeshed in each other. during this time I relapsed after 15 years of sobriety, lost my knew job because of that... .lots of pain. She dumped me for 12 days in May then begged me to come back which I did and flew in from Chicago to Seattle the next day( I moved away when I got a new job and we have been long distance for 2 years) When I was in Seattle I caught her in a major lie regarding her husband and she denied it and even called him from the hotel room with me in it to prove it ( shallow conversation with him didn't really prove anything) for those 4 years I have been emotionally abused I believe and when I begged her for the truth she continued to deny in and in June said she would move to Chicago, have a baby with me and start a new life. I couldn't move past the lying anymore and my suspicions of her and him. I begged for the truth and refused, I threaten to tell her husband about us in an effort to scare her into the truth. That didn't work but I finally got her to admit to lying when I caught her in another lie about him. I again threatened her to tell him because of how much pain I was in and the neglect and abuse I suffered. she said she was afraid of me and no longer wanted to be togher and everything was off but she would wait until the end of August to she if she could get past her fear. She didn't and in a argument on factime... .she said Good bye ----  and hung up while I was in tears. I have not heard from her in two weeks. I know I am codependant and I know this relationship has to end but I can't seem to move past it and I long for her to reach out to me although I can't respond. I am just worn down and beat up and depressed. She dumped me 10 times this last year alone and I went on anti depressants in Dec and almost lost my job because I was so sad. I went through rehap twice and have been sober for 2.5years but I releapsed the next day after I got out because she said she was sick and could not see me.

Anyway this is a mess I know but I can't move on and I somehow feel I will be able to move on If she reaches out to me. my therapists says she has BPD. She meets most of the criteria according to him. I need someone to validate me and tell me I am not crazy. What would you do if you were me?

Thanks

[Pretty Woman]

No, you are not crazy.

10x in a year... .yes, THAT is crazy.

You do realize this isn't healthy? Read some of my posts. Trust me, I understand. I was dumped like that too... .and even more times.

Likely she will never leave her husband. Mine was not married but always had other exes in rotation/communication in attempts to re-engage. It's never just you and your partner in these relationships... .they are always talking to other people and even if they are not romantic partners they smear you to these "enablers". I recently found out I was an abusive, psycho with severe mood swings that she was "scared to death" of.

Wow but she came back 15x times... .



It's a never ending Groundhog Day. The push-pull, dumpings, errode our self esteem and make us feel unlovable.

She is not emotionally available. She is married and also BPD. This won't change.

You are the only one that can change. It's like coming off of drugs. It's hard. You took a first step coming here. Keep posting and reading. The best way to disengage is NC. It's painful but if you don't set boundaries she will keep doing this to you and after 15 breakups and a few recycles I can attest... .it gets worse not better.

PW

[ridefast]

That was great advice!  Thank you for responding so quickly.  how do I view your posts?  I clicked on your profile but the site is blocking me from viewing you. 

I have another question.  in 4.5 years I was dumped problably 30 times and the level of abuse sent me into deep depression for 2 months( I am good now after a visit to the DR) In this final concersation we had I really lost it and yelled and screamed threating to tell her parents which prompted her to threaten to kill her self as a peace offering to not tell them, I of course told her I wouln't do it then and killing herself was not an option ever.  I also told her I thought she had BPD as that is what my therapist told me.  I was so angry and hurt that it just came out as I have been holding so much in for so long.  I know this had to hurt her and I now assume I will never hear from her again because of this comment.  Do you think this would make somone with BPD run as they don't want to face them selves and I now represent that? I no I am not over her yet or wouldn't be be asking this stuff. 

I feel really guilty for yelling abd threatening her.  Do you think this is warrented?

You were really kind to reply   Thank you I appreciate it and would love to read some more of your post.

[ridefast]

I am still really angry at her and I am not one to be angry too long at anyone.  I can't seem to move past the anger and often times I want revenge and to reach out to her husband and tell him.  I know I can't because she it could completly shatter her false self and I would hate or her to harm herself because her life falls apart.  I also got caught cheating with her and she knows it and backed out of her committment to move to chicago when I told her this too. 

Because she has no regard for my well being at all I want revenge but wont' do it because I do want to be that guy but I sure want to.  How I deal with this anger?

[Moselle]

Hang in there ridefast.

It's very depressing to be involved with someone like this. But you will get through it and this will get better.

You said you know you're co-dependent and you know it has to end.

What are your next steps?

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Ridefast  

Yes, I know the revenge feeling. Thing is this... .they have the emotional maturity of a three year old. Any revenge exacted... .they won't understand it. It's beyond their comprehension and it actually makes us stoop to their level.

We are vengeful because we feel betrayed and hurt.  You can't take those feeling away but we CAN remove ourselves from the hurtful situation.

I was told never to accuse my ex of having BPD... .that it's not a good idea... .a year ago I mentioned I know she has a problem with "object consistancy" out of sight out of mind.

She agreed. She didn't agree to BPD but she did agree to object consistancy and that is a symptom.

It's a sad disorder. If your ex is not actively in treatment it likely will get worse.  Read about all the people on here who married and had kids with their BPD ex.

We dodged a bullet.

I know the depression, the sadness and isolation. Two years ago I almost offed myself.  It was Christmas and I lay in bed... .didn't shower for a week. If I didn't have two cats to feed, clean a litter box... .thank god for those furry little guys.

I had an engagement ring and I kept staring at it (we are both women by the way). I almost mailed it to her. A very, very expensive ring. Here I am laying in bed on Christmas with an engagement ring, smelling like rank because I hadn't showered... .

fa la la la  

When she came back (which she did... .with flowers right before Valentine's Day... .when her replacement "didn't work out" I wore that ring. She knew it was for her and offered to give me her engagement ring... .from another ex!

She has 0 money and is in a ton of debt. I was like, uh no thanks.

I still wear it as a right hand ring. I no longer associate pain with it. Still... .I will never let anyone bring me down like that again. Ridefast, I can tell you... .it does get better the longer they are gone. You need to get strong and focus on other things. Stay social and get out with friends... .stay busy!

Here is a link to one of my past posts:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=215857.0

It's actually a lot longer now... .

Hang in there! Keep reading, posting and staying NC!

PW

[ridefast]

Pretty Girl,

Thank you again for the reply, it is very very helpful.  I am glad you didn't hurt yourself!  Thanks for sending your post (8 girlfriends wow!) Can you tell me about object consistency?  Does this mean she isn't remembering me after 2 weeks?  Or does it mean 2 weeks is like 6 weeks to her?  The hardest part is the rumination's and trying to figure out what the hell happened and how she could be so sure to want to move here and then hate me that she wouldn't even talk to me.  I know it's the illness but how did you stop trying to figure it out.  I want text her and call her but I am not(responding here is a better idea)  I know if I do I will simply fuel her and make her ignore me for a while then tell me to how crazy and scared of me she is and I will just be left feeling unlovable again. You Ex sounds really mean to do some of things you wrote about, you must have grown in self awareness and hit bottom because of the pain, good for you   I don't think I will ever hear from her again, it sounded so very final that's the part that hurts the most. 

Thanks for responding

[ridefast]

Moselle,

Thank you for responding !  I don't know what my next steps are except no contact.  I just want to control my mind at this point and stop thinking about her and trying to figure out what happened and what she is doing now.  Do you think she thinks of me at this point or is it part of the illness to move on completely.  She once told me when she is done she is done and you are out of her life forever.  It sounds like she has done this before and blacked people out and never looked back.  She has also told me that she can never let go of me! 

Anyone else have insight they could share, I would appreciate it.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi There,

   My understanding is two weeks to them feels like six weeks. So whereas we grieve right away they tend to miss us later... .

Everything is backwards. Just as many are starting to recover they show up again.

Not all the time but this is my understanding of object consistency.

As you saw in my previous post some recycle exes... .many times.

[HappyNihilist]

Hi there ridefast, and welcome to the family. 

You've been through a lot in this relationship. Ten breakups in one year is quite an emotional roller coaster ride. It's completely normal to feel conflicted after the end of a disordered relationship. At two weeks out, you're still understandably raw. Go easy on yourself.

Detaching from these relationships takes time. Relationships with pwBPD are usually based on fast, intense bonding and attachment. These bonds may not be healthy, but they're very strong. That's a big part of the reason for the ruminations and the feeling of being emotionally drained. Detachment is not an overnight process.

This article helped me understand what was going on and what I might expect, when I was in the raw early aftermath of my own relationship - Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

You said that you're on anti-depressants. How have they been working for you?

Do you have a therapist? I found my therapist invaluable after my own breakup. As well as these forums, of course. It helps to talk.

[ridefast]

HappyNihilist,

Thank so much for your response and advice, yeah I have been through the ringer here, I think the tough part is I don't think I can even recall what has truly taken place as I was in a trance for the last four and a half years.  I will practice giving myself a break   I have to mention this because I really beat myself up over it and would love to learn if you or anyone else has overcome it. 

As this relationship started I had just been awarded employee of the year in a fortune 200 company of 60,000 and then promoted to a VP. The relationshipship began as I started my new role and she was no longer my direct report. The constant pain or the mixed messages break up, yelling, controlling, push and pull of this relationship began to take it's toll on me long story short I hid from the pain in drugs and alcohol after she went on vacation with her husband. I totally lost it and relapsed for two months solid. I had to resign my new job and enter rehab twice to get and stay sober and drug free (I am still employed there but in a much smaller role and a severely damaged reputation) 

I worked my way up for 20 years from the very bottom of the company to that  VP role after I entered recovery the 1st time in 1993 and was sober all that time.  I can't forgive myself for letting this happen to me and losing what i worked my butt of for. Wow was I hooked on her, she became my God and really my addiction and now I am having withdrawals.  I don't know if you have had anything similar happen to you in your relationships that stole all that you worked for or lost something dear to you but I would love to hear any advice you might have specificly on forgiving yourself for ending up in this place and believing in a fantasy.

I went on Anti Depressants in Dec of 2014 (lexi pro) and it has worked well, I was pretty bad off for a good two months with all her mixed messages, abuse, hanging out with her husband and previous break ups.  She showed no mercy and said it was my fault and I needed to get over it as well as how much pain she was in for my relapse still.  I almost lost my job again and my team noticed etc... .but my therapist saved my butt.

I do see a therapist primary for addiction but it's all about her now as he told me he thinks she is BPD in Dec and he recommended the meds.   I see him once a week which isn't a lot given the circumstance now so this board has been really helpful, I have waited for two months to post but I am sure glad I did today. 

Thanks for the link I will read it and look forward to anything else anyone has to share

Grateful

[ridefast]

She is also a high functioning individual and extremely bright (wicked smart) but has a limited self awareness, she know when she needs space disappears

[ridefast]

Hi There,

   My understanding is two weeks to them feels like six weeks. So whereas we grieve right away they tend to miss us later... .

Everything is backwards. Just as many are starting to recover they show up again.

Not all the time but this is my understanding of object consistency.

As you saw in my previous post some recycle exes... .many times.

Thank you very much.  I don't think I will hear from her again as I now represent all that she refuses to face so thus she is afraid and I am scary, but as you say they are unpredictable. I just want to feel indifferent about the whole thing, so if she does reach out i won't be temped.  Thank you

[Moselle]

Ridefast,

I can empathise with your situation quite a bit from my own experience.

I want to tell you something though. It will get better and you will likely ascend to the same heights again and probably exceed them. It may take some time, but learn as much as you can on this site about co-dependence and YOUR role in this relationship. You will grow even stronger and more capable than before, because you will understand your half of this type of relationship, and the good news is that your journey to change is likely to be easier than hers if she ever chooses it.

An added benefit is that all the stuff you learn here can be applied in the business world as well and to other relationships. And guess what, you can find a healthy partner who will understand you and love you in a true sense, not the abberated BPD kind.

These things are within your grasp, although I recognize the entirely lost feeling, and the feeling that the world is ending. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time.

The best thing I ever did was find a life coach. A proper one with recommendations. We need help to get through this kind of thing and a coach helped me ALOT.

PS I'm still  going through a high conflict divorce, but she no longer has control over me. I honestly laugh when she tries her manipulations. Once you know, you just know, and I can fairly accurately predict when she is about to do crazy stuff.

Bottom line... .It will get better.

[HappyNihilist]

I will practice giving myself a break   I have to mention this because I really beat myself up over it and would love to learn if you or anyone else has overcome it.  

I totally get that - I have a lifelong tendency to be way too hard on myself, and I did beat myself up after my relationship. I'm a lot better with the self-blame now.

We're only human. We make mistakes. We try our best. Look at what you've already done in your life, to build yourself up. Making mistakes doesn't mean that you aren't strong, smart, and capable. We can't change the past, but we can learn from it.

Definitely practice giving yourself a break, ridefast.

I would love to hear any advice you might have specificly on forgiving yourself for ending up in this place and believing in a fantasy.

This also falls under the "we're only human" category. Learning to forgive yourself takes practice and time. Understanding your role in the relationship, exploring yourself and learning more about co-dependence, will help with this. Once you begin to step back and look at the relationship, you will begin to gain acceptance. With acceptance comes forgiveness of ourselves.

Understanding the dynamics of a BPD relationship in general, and your relationship in particular, will shed some light on why you "believed in a fantasy." Pretty much all of us here have been there. That 'fantasy' is difficult to resist.

What in particular drew you to your ex? What needs did the relationship fulfill for you? What was the 'fantasy' she appeared to offer you?

I do see a therapist primary for addiction but it's all about her now as he told me he thinks she is BPD in Dec and he recommended the meds.   I see him once a week which isn't a lot given the circumstance now so this board has been really helpful, I have waited for two months to post but I am sure glad I did today. 

I'm glad you posted, too. And I'm glad you're seeing a therapist and have been talking to him about your relationship. It's so helpful to have safe, supportive places to talk and process.

It will get better and you will likely ascend to the same heights again and probably exceed them. It may take some time, but learn as much as you can on this site about co-dependence and YOUR role in this relationship. You will grow even stronger and more capable than before, because you will understand your half of this type of relationship, and the good news is that your journey to change is likely to be easier than hers if she ever chooses it.

An added benefit is that all the stuff you learn here can be applied in the business world as well and to other relationships.

^^^ All of this. 

Keep taking care of yourself, ridefast. And keep posting - we're here for you.

[ridefast]

Ridefast,

I can empathise with your situation quite a bit from my own experience.

I want to tell you something though. It will get better and you will likely ascend to the same heights again and probably exceed them. It may take some time, but learn as much as you can on this site about co-dependence and YOUR role in this relationship. You will grow even stronger and more capable than before, because you will understand your half of this type of relationship, and the good news is that your journey to change is likely to be easier than hers if she ever chooses it.

Thank you for the positive words of encouragement, I know it will get better and even though it's been just two weeks it's nice to be away from the constant negativity.  This site is wonderful and have someone to talk with is extremely helpful.  One of the hardest concepts for me to grasp is my ex is a very high functioning BPD and has a large position in our corporation, presenting daily and making solid business decisions.  It's so hard to see her at this capacity at work as the perfect employee and then the crazy witch that she is too me.  The duel personality make me feel like sometimes I was the one who was crazy.  Ever fell this way?

An added benefit is that all the stuff you learn here can be applied in the business world as well and to other relationships. And guess what, you can find a healthy partner who will understand you and love you in a true sense, not the abberated BPD kind.

These things are within your grasp, although I recognize the entirely lost feeling, and the feeling that the world is ending. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time.

The best thing I ever did was find a life coach. A proper one with recommendations. We need help to get through this kind of thing and a coach helped me ALOT.

How did you find a life coach for this? 

PS I'm still  going through a high conflict divorce, but she no longer has control over me. I honestly laugh when she tries her manipulations. Once you know, you just know, and I can fairly accurately predict when she is about to do crazy stuff.

Your a good guy to take the time to respond with this taking place, and I hope the crazy goes away soon.

Bottom line... .It will get better.

[ridefast]

@Moselle don't think I did the quote thing well, comments are mixed up in the body of your comments.

[Moselle]

The quote thing will come The quote starts with the stuff in the square brackets, just delete what you want out of the quote and ends with the square brackets with the word "quote"

Thank you for the positive words of encouragement, I know it will get better and even though it's been just two weeks it's nice to be away from the constant negativity.  This site is wonderful and have someone to talk with is extremely helpful.  One of the hardest concepts for me to grasp is my ex is a very high functioning BPD and has a large position in our corporation, presenting daily and making solid business decisions.  It's so hard to see her at this capacity at work as the perfect employee and then the crazy witch that she is too me.  The duel personality make me feel like sometimes I was the one who was crazy.  Ever fell this way?

Yes its natural to wonder if we're crazy. We're not. Trust me on that one!. The fact that you can be on this site having this conversation is enough evidence. pwBPD find this site EXTREMELY triggering. My wife was/is extremely high functioning as well, so I know how hard this is. Perfect person to the world and a dragon (crazy witch LOL) behind closed doors. She is an expert at making others feel like the crazy ones. It's actually because in her delusional world I am the crazy one. Its easier for her to explain it that way. Its called projection. They project their insecurities onto a target as if the target has those traits. Bizarre disease, but there you have it.

Your a good guy to take the time to respond with this taking place, and I hope the crazy goes away soon.

I don't expect the crazy to go away ever. She has this, she is the mother of my three children and I cannot change it. It is what it is. But the abuse... .no more - I have my boundaries.

How did you find a life coach for this? 

She actually found me. life is like that. When a need arises, a solution presents itself. I do not share BPD stuff with her. She knows I'm divorcing, that's it. I wanted an aspect of my life not touched by BPD. She helps me frame where I am and where I want to go. Life coaching is a profession these days. Just start asking people about good life coaches, they'll come out of the woodwork LOL. Your HR department might have a few suggestions too. You'll be surprised how many people have their wheels fall off and HR deals with alot of it.

[Pretty Woman]

Ridefast,

 I have been working with a life coach too. I am happy to send info if you msg me.


Boundaries are key.  There will come a day when none of this affects you... .or it affects you but it just passes on through. The key is to get focus off her and onto you.You truly have all the control in this. I know that seems hard to believe but you do. We are all here to help! You just need to make a comittment to yourself.

All this suffering comes from co-dependency. I got your # bro... .I'm there too! Once you work on yourself and are no longer co-dependant, relying on this crazy woman for validation will make no sense to you.


PW