Facing reality

[Brighter Days]

How can I deal with my BPD husband now that reality has set in and he wants to come back home?

Here's a quick synopsis... .My BPD husband left home angry and frustrated about two months ago.  He claimed that I was the cause of all the problems in his life and our marriage.  According to him, I was too controlling, critical, manipulative, etc.  He got an apartment and lived impulsively, spending money he didn't have, trying some online dating, and having fun doing things his way.

Now after two months of being on his own, he has started calling every day, crying about how lonely he is, how he's lost everything (his family), how he can't pay his bills, and how he wants to come home.  I'm working full time, exhausted, and trying to maintain stability for my kids.  It irritates me (although it doesn't surprise me) that he would complain about his situation.  This has been his choice, not mine.

Obviously, his motivations for returning home are completely selfish.  He no longer has me as his scapegoat and has only himself to blame for the direction his life has taken.  If he were able to think reasonably, he would be able to see that most of our years together were fairly stable thanks to my "controlling" ways.

I cannot see getting back together with him as he refuses to acknowledge he has any mental issues.  I feel sorry for him, but our household has now become more peaceful and stable and I can't go back to how it was.

[enlighten me]

Hi Brighter days

Im sorry your having to deal with this. Its a difficult situation.

It sounds like you want him to seek treatment as you said you cannot see getting back with him as he refuses to acknowledge he has any mental issues. I can understand this as my ex wife is adamant there is nothing wrong with her. I would also like her to seek treatment but you cant push them into it.

Depending on the type of relationship you are wanting with him will determine your approach to him. If it is just a co parenting relationship your response will be different to friendship.

You need to decide what you are wanting and put in place appropriate boundaries so you can follow that route.

There is some useful info in the lessons on the leaving board

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

And also in the co parenting board

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.0

I hope you find these useful

EM

[disillusionedandsore]

Good for you,  I can relate.  I wouldn't go back to living with my ex again EVER.  It was absolutely insane. Yourself and the children deserve peace in your home and in your lives.  Stay strong.  You know your own mind.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Brighter Days, When I separated from my BPDxW, my primary emotion was one of relief.  I never considered going back to all the chaos and abuse.  My suggestion: stay the course and don't take on the extra baggage of his issues.  It's up to him to seek treatment.

LuckyJim

[Brighter Days]

Hi!

Thank you for your encouragement to "stay the course".  I'm getting pretty worn down and having my husband crying to me about his problems isn't what I need right now.   

I so appreciate all of you as you truly understand the reality of living with someone with BPD.  I don't have many people in my life who I can talk to about what's gone on/ or is going on.  Most of the time I'm quite guarded about what I say because family and friends get pretty upset at him on my behalf.  I would rather not stress everyone out with my problems.

Friends and both sides of the family seem to think it best if I just wrap this whole thing up quickly. I wish it were that easy.

[letmeout]

Because you are co-parenting it is unfortunate that you can't go no contact, so low contact is your only option. Your BPD will continuously put the pressure on you to get what he wants, thinking that he can get you to cave in. Mine did that until I went no contact for my own sanity.

When my ex would call and put on the pressure, I would set the phone down, walk away for 10 minutes, come back and he would still be on the line blubbering on and on, never even realizing that I had left the conversation.

Their madness is their own, and we can't fix them. Stay strong and keep reminding yourself how much better it is to live without BPD craziness. 

[Lucky Jim]

When my ex would call and put on the pressure, I would set the phone down, walk away for 10 minutes, come back and he would still be on the line blubbering on and on, never even realizing that I had left the conversation.

Same for me, lmo.  I would hold the phone at arms length and let my BPDxW rage on into the atmosphere, without listening to her cr*p.   Like your Ex, she never noticed.   

LuckyJim

[Herodias]

That's tough... .I guess I need to be glad mine has a gf even though that doesn't feel very good, it makes it easier to not have him calling to come back. He did do it in the beginning, saying he missed his wife and wanted to come home, but I just didn't respond. I suppose you can just encourage him to get help for himself. He made his choice and now you have made yours. He won't stop, so you have to be the strong one. Best wishes to you... .

[Brighter Days]

Once again your responses make me feel better. Thank you!  I like the suggestion to put down the phone when he calls and walk away.  He has always enjoyed the one sided "conversation" anyway (he never could take having his ideas or opinions challenged)- he probably won't even notice I'm gone.

It's nice to be able to express my feelings here in a safe place.  And I confess, I'm feeling quite depressed with where I am in life.  Most people I know have a marriage partner who they can depend upon and with whom they actually enjoy spending time.  I, however, have a husband who acted like a rebellious teenager when he was living with us and now like a child who is crying to come home.  It's been hard being the lone adult in the relationship (last two years have been particularly bad) and obviously this won't be changing anytime soon... .

[enlighten me]

Hi brighter days

I can understand how hard it was being the only adult in the relationship. My last year with my exgf was the loneliest time in my life. I lived in a full house but had no adult company. Since leaving I was living on my own for a year and I honestly didn't feel as lonely. I now have my eldest sons living with me so I don't get time to even worry about it.

[Lucky Jim]

He has always enjoyed the one sided "conversation" anyway (he never could take having his ideas or opinions challenged)-

Same for me, Brighter Days.  I described her monologues as "diatribes," because they certainly weren't a "conversation" between two adults.  I'm sorry that you are feeling so depressed, which is normal and to be expected, I think, for a Non in a BPD r/s.  I think you will feel better when you start taking some positive steps to care for yourself, which is something you may have neglected in recent times.  Listen to your gut feelings and strive to be authentic, I suggest.

LuckyJim

[letmeout]

I, however, have a husband who acted like a rebellious teenager when he was living with us and now like a child who is crying to come home.  It's been hard being the lone adult in the relationship (last two years have been particularly bad) and obviously this won't be changing anytime soon... .

The description of a rebellious teenager described my ex to a T. What your ex really wants is his mommy (you) back only to take care of him. My ex actually screamed that when I left. "but you have to take care of me!"

But you know what, he never reciprocated any care taking, not even with our children.  He will always be a manipulative tantrum throwing child in an adult body.

You will naturally go through all the stages of grief. The grief for something that could not be what it should have been. Then after you get through it, you will wonder how you put up with his crap as long as you did. LOL

[Brighter Days]

I can't express enough how much I appreciate you guys taking time to post encouraging messages.  I go through my days, rarely speaking to anyone about the stresses of my personal life.  I don't like to have attention drawn to me or heaven forbid, have people pity me.  However, at the end of a busy day, I give myself permission to feel sorry for myself.  It's at this time that I read the posts and messages and feel like I'm not alone.

I'm having trouble allowing myself to grieve.  It feels like I brought this on myself by marrying him, when there were warning signs.  Any grieving I do, I try to keep very private.

I also have a disconnect when it comes to how I see myself in this situation.  I had to call 911 several times this summer, after my husband became severely agitated and out of control.  Twice the paramedics and police came to our house to take my husband to the hospital.  The second time, an officer stayed and talked to me on our driveway about victim services and how they would be contacting me.  I was shocked to hear her say I was a victim.  However, as my understanding of BPD is increasing, I guess I have been somewhat of a victim of my husband's mental illness (although I don't really want to admit it) and I do need to grieve the loss of some of my hopes and dreams both for myself and my children.

[enlighten me]

Hi Brighter days

Even with the death of a loved one we can avoid grieving. We can bottle it up and push it back down. Sometimes we have to just let it out.

You say you were shocked to hear you were a victim. I can relate to this as I didn't see myself as a victim of abuse either. I realise now that I was in a very abusive relationship. Although not physical it was still abuse. As a man this was a bit of a shock to me. Realising this has helped. I don't want to take on the role of a victim.