Emotionally Exhausted... will this ever end?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was in an 8 month r/s that ended Dec 2014.  My ex has stalked/harassed me since that time.  It has been 10 months of ongoing contact.  Sometimes nice, sometimes hateful and scary.  He's threatened my family.  My well being.  No matter the content, it is seemingly always self-serving.  I have NOT responded.  I will not reinforce his behavior. 

I just found out yesterday that he got locked up.  He is calling me from jail on the automated line on which I have no credit so he can't leave a message.  His only official phone call was to ME begging for help.  Even though I have not responded to him in 10 months and my last words to him were "I want no future contact."  His message said "even if hate his f*cking guts, please help." 

When I read the stories of other bpdfamily members, it is easy to read these wild stories and think, "well, duh, don't send the money to her (again)."  But damn, it is hard when in the midst of it.  The begging.  The helplessness.  The lack of anyone else to turn to because all other bridges seem to have been burned. 

Intellectually, I get it.  He is extremely ill.  He'll say anything.  He probably does feel desperate.  I need not take the bait.  Intellectually, it makes sense.

But emotionally, it feels so inhumane.  Feels like I should at least tell someone.  Pass him off to someone else to help.  But I cannot.

Additionally, I learned he has a probation hold elsewhere so helping him out of the immediate jail situation won't do anything because he'll just go to another jail. 

I feel emotionally exhausted. And I haven't even done anything other than see the calls pop up on the phone.  The human part of me feels for the human part of him. 

This was just a part-time BF for a short period of time.  His difficult life preceded me and clearly continues.  This is hard.  I don't know how the parents here deal with it... .seems like that would be beyond excruciating.

I am sure my sisters are horrified that I have any sympathy for him.  Thanks in advance for your support.   

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I was in an 8 month r/s that ended Dec 2014.  My ex has stalked/harassed me since that time.  It has been 10 months of ongoing contact.  Sometimes nice, sometimes hateful and scary.  He's threatened my family.  My well being.  No matter the content, it is seemingly always self-serving.  I have NOT responded.  I will not reinforce his behavior. 

I just found out yesterday that he got locked up.  He is calling me from jail on the automated line on which I have no credit so he can't leave a message.  His only official phone call was to ME begging for help.  Even though I have not responded to him in 10 months and my last words to him were "I want no future contact."  His message said "even if hate his f*cking guts, please help." 

When I read the stories of other bpdfamily members, it is easy to read these wild stories and think, "well, duh, don't send the money to her (again)."  But damn, it is hard when in the midst of it.  The begging.  The helplessness.  The lack of anyone else to turn to because all other bridges seem to have been burned. 

Intellectually, I get it.  He is extremely ill.  He'll say anything.  He probably does feel desperate.  I need not take the bait.  Intellectually, it makes sense.

But emotionally, it feels so inhumane.  Feels like I should at least tell someone.  Pass him off to someone else to help.  But I cannot.

Additionally, I learned he has a probation hold elsewhere so helping him out of the immediate jail situation won't do anything because he'll just go to another jail. 

I feel emotionally exhausted. And I haven't even done anything other than see the calls pop up on the phone.  The human part of me feels for the human part of him. 

This was just a part-time BF for a short period of time.  His difficult life preceded me and clearly continues.  This is hard.  I don't know how the parents here deal with it... .seems like that would be beyond excruciating.

I am sure my sisters are horrified that I have any sympathy for him.  Thanks in advance for your support.   

[valet]

It is hard emotionally. I'm sorry that you've been stressed. 

It sounds like you know what the right thing to do is. Keep living your values.

Having a happy, fulfilling life is kind of like building a piece of furniture. It takes some time to get all of the pieces to fit, but once you get them all just right you realize that you've made something strong—something that you can be proud of. Something that you can put stuff in or on for a while.

It's ok to have empathy and to feel compassionate for your ex. It's totally normal. People are attracted to these qualities. They are true, inner strength. Our duty to ourselves is to make sure that we don't give or take too much. Balance is key.

[Mutt]

Hi ReclaimingMyLife,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of this. I can see how it would seem inhuman and how emotionally draining that this would all be

Additionally, I learned he has a probation hold elsewhere so helping him out of the immediate jail situation won't do anything because he'll just go to another jail.  

I would like to echo valet and say that we can have compassion with boundaries. You learned that he has a probation hold elsewhere. Did you learn about the probation hold yesterday? Did you also find out why he's incarcerated?

[newlifeBPDfree]

I know exactly how you feel. I was bombarded with insults for months by my ex husband with hateful insults and the most vile things I've ever heard from anyone's mouth. But then when he was in a bind and asked for a $20.00 loan, i gave helped him out. The only difference was we have a daughter together so I felt like the money is really for her so she doesnt go hungry whern she is with him.

It's really strange that despite all the evil and mean things they say or do to us we still to some degree feel bad for them and want to help. But I agree with everyone else - you already know what to do and it's ok to have the feelings you have but stick to your decision and do not help him or even respond to him.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Thanks for your replies, valet, Mutt and newlife.  I really appreciate your support.

Everything about this feels confounding.  One second I feel fine.  The next second I feel sick to my stomach, sad and/or mad.  And I haven't even spoken to him.  I keep checking the jail websites to find out if he's been moved.  I am not sure why that feels important to me. 

When I spoke to the first jail this morning I asked if he knew he was going to be moved. They said yes.  He has not called in the last 24 hours.  Maybe he knows that with the move to the second jail that there is nothing I can do to help and hence the lack of calls. 

Maybe that is why the move feels important to me.  Because it is confirmation that the mess he is in happened long before he met me, there likely is no quick fix, and that there really is nothing I can do to help even if I wanted to.  Which I do not. 

I wish him no harm.  I do not wish for him to be locked up.  But I cannot and will not help.  As I was reading another post this morning about the desperate feelings of love and the non's desire to help their BPD partner, I likened it to cancer.  We cannot love our partner's way out of cancer and we cannot love their way out of BPD. 

Indeed, maybe the most kind thing I can do is nothing.  I will do nothing.  Be it kind or not.  I have a family to protect.  Writing "I have a family to protect" reminds me of my very strong mama bear instinct.  That overrides everything else.  Sometimes I forget that when danger doesn't seem imminent. 

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Many on this site have likened the r/s with pwBPD to addiction.  I wouldn't disagree.  I have worked very hard to not respond to my ex despite his many ploys.  Which feels like my refusing to put that needle of addiction in my arm anymore.  And yet, when he calls and pleads for help, it feels like he has held me down and put the needle in my arm himself.  Like despite my best efforts, he is still injecting me and then I have the emotional fall-out of having gotten a little high. 

Or maybe it isn't even like he puts the needle in me.  Maybe it is like a contact high.  Like he is just smoking the sh*t around me and the smoke gets into my system. 

I am not reaching for the drug myself.  I am resisting it and don't even want it.  But I'll be damned if I am not affected when it is smoked around me, blown in my face,or injected into my arm against my wishes.

Somehow I must inoculate myself against even this.  Metaphorically speaking, I need to wear a facemask, a noseplug, a space suit or whatever so none of it gets in my system.  Despite his many and varied efforts to to intoxicate me again.

How do I build up such strong inner resistance that he cannot affect me anymore?  Even if he ties me down and injects me all over my body (again, metaphorically speaking).  How do I not be affected?

[Mazzy]

The only person you can absolutely control is you. What he does is entirely on him. So long as you maintain NC, remain non-reactive, and do not feed the cycle(s) of abuse, they'll eventually move on. Eventually.

I understand how inhumane it feels to be so cold and distant to another human being. It feels deeply unnatural and cruel to do so.

But you're going against a pathology that shows no quarter and is relentless until its selfish, primal needs are met. We, to them, are not people but objects that were appropriated.

Keeping any form of contact resets the clock to zero.

Maintaining NC, even with his repeated attempts, will work in time.

Think of NC as 'The Strategy of the Void'. Russia used this against Napoleon during his invasion. In essence, the Russians evacuated villages, salted fields, put areas of respite to the torch, and engaged him (when they chose) on open terrain. Napoleon itched for a fight so badly, he marched headlong into the debacle that was Waterloo. Why? Because the Russians gave him nothing and in his hubris, defeated himself.

Why did the Russians act against their own self-interests in the short term? To frustrate a very dangerous opponent into submission. By denying channels of communication and responses BPD's desire, they can and do become more desperate in their attempts. The key to making this strategy work in your favor is to maintain your silence, deny all targets, and eventually they will tire and move on.

They prey on our emotions, yes? Our better sense of self? The goodness in us they loved so much at first? They use the best qualities in ourselves as a crowbar on the door of NC. We're not silent to punish them. It's to protect ourselves from a known predator that rarely changes.

Hold fast!

[Mutt]

ReclaimingMyLife,

I keep checking the jail websites to find out if he's been moved.  I am not sure why that feels important to me. 

It sounds like you care. You were in an 8 month relationship. He meant something to you.

Are you worried about him?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Thanks, Mutt.  Yes, I do care.  Sometimes I hate that I care.  But I do.  And I am likely one of the VERY few that cares about him.  But he's been so awful and destructive in my life that I don't understand why I care. 

While I do care about him, I also want to know what he is doing for MY own sake. I am still rather vigilant (or maybe more aware than vigilant these days) knowing he could pop up at any moment.  While he is being held, I need not worry about that.  I will definitely want to know when he gets out in case he ramps up his pursuit/rage.  He may come out mad that I didn't help.  Or maybe he'll come out knowing that even this situation didn't get me to respond so nothing will.  Either way, for my sake, I want to know when he gets out. 

But that aside, I do still care, and am still somewhat shocked at how far afield his life is from what I anticipated. 

But mostly, I feel like I am slowly coming down from yet another "contact high" (tho these "highs" are actually quite low).  It takes me "a minute" depending on the intensity of the contact but I do sober up again.  I just hate getting out of sorts from being exposed to him.  Feels unfair.  That I can decide on NC, work hard to achieve it and that he can keep throwing wrenches in my psyche by reaching out.  Guess that is on me.  Looking forward to my psyche NOT being affected by his wrenches. 

[Mutt]

I can see how you are looking forward to your psyche not being affected by these wrenches and how all of this would feel like you're on an emotional roller-coaster with the highs and lows  It sounds like he may not have many family members or friends that care about him if he's awful and destructive?

I think that detaching helps us feel emotionally better and not emotionally exhausted because of someone that is difficult in our lives. You sound like a compassionate woman and I can see how you may hate to care sometimes when this can feel awful?

I can relate with you and I struggled with why I still care about my ex partner, she's mentally ill and much of her behaviors are driven by the disorder and mental illness can be difficult to cope with. I thought about this quote by A.A Milne and Winnie-the-Pooh.

“Some people care too much. I think it's called love.” -A.A. Milne

I don't think that there's such a thing about caring too much but I need to protect myself too. I let go and let god, I can have compassion with boundaries by keeping the good stuff in and the bad stuff out.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I was in an 8 month r/s that ended Dec 2014.  My ex has stalked/harassed me since that time.  It has been 10 months of ongoing contact.  Sometimes nice, sometimes hateful and scary.  He's threatened my family.  My well being.  No matter the content, it is seemingly always self-serving.  I have NOT responded.  I will not reinforce his behavior. 

I just found out yesterday that he got locked up.  He is calling me from jail on the automated line on which I have no credit so he can't leave a message.  His only official phone call was to ME begging for help.  Even though I have not responded to him in 10 months and my last words to him were "I want no future contact."  His message said "even if hate his f*cking guts, please help." 

When I read the stories of other bpdfamily members, it is easy to read these wild stories and think, "well, duh, don't send the money to her (again)."  But damn, it is hard when in the midst of it.  The begging.  The helplessness.  The lack of anyone else to turn to because all other bridges seem to have been burned. 

Intellectually, I get it.  He is extremely ill.  He'll say anything.  He probably does feel desperate.  I need not take the bait.  Intellectually, it makes sense.

But emotionally, it feels so inhumane.  Feels like I should at least tell someone.  Pass him off to someone else to help.  But I cannot.

Additionally, I learned he has a probation hold elsewhere so helping him out of the immediate jail situation won't do anything because he'll just go to another jail. 

I feel emotionally exhausted. And I haven't even done anything other than see the calls pop up on the phone.  The human part of me feels for the human part of him. 

This was just a part-time BF for a short period of time.  His difficult life preceded me and clearly continues.  This is hard.  I don't know how the parents here deal with it... .seems like that would be beyond excruciating.

I am sure my sisters are horrified that I have any sympathy for him.  Thanks in advance for your support.   

I am about a year out from my break up.  Through out my process of healing I have wrestled with the first bolded point tremendously.  I posted on here about it.  I talked to friends about it.  I really struggled and at times still do.  B/c my ex has an illness that basically acts as a puppet master, how can I live with myself for turning my back?  She has no one else.  Everyone has basically turned their heads and carried on with their lives.  So I asked myself how do i, whom was in a r/s for 3 years leave her in the cold and destitute? 

The answer?  It wasn't until recently I realized how manipulative she could be.  She came into my life again and as soon as she formed a new friendship with someone else I was tossed in the cold.  You know why?  Because they are survivalists.  This pattern has probably been their road map their entire lives.  If they don't  get sympathy, love, empathy, from us... .they will surely find someone else.  Every time I've been so worried about her well being she has managed just fine.  Meanwhile here I am a year later on a message board on a friday night trying to strengthen my heart.  While it may not always be easy for her... .she always seems to come out on top even if it is short lived. 

In regards to your sisters being horrified, I get it.  Most people look at us like we have 2 heads!  How can we have any sympathy for them after what they'e done?  Because we're human.  Because we cared.  Because maturity is defined by how we handle a situation.  We don't have to like them but they are still human.  The important part is the boundaries you've set and how you are or aren't letting them manipulate your life.


Don't regret having a big heart, just be sure your in control of it.