Not sure where to start...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am in the process of trying to detach myself from what I believe is a borderline narcissistic woman.  We have been together for 16 years and have 2 daughters together. 

In the beginning she was very intoxicating.  She was there for me when I needed someone and sexually she could be very intense.  I think I mistook this intensity for true intimacy.  After about 2 years the relationship seem to wane for her.  She would break plans and go out without me a lot.  For a couple years after that I was always chasing the woman I fell in love with... .trying without success to find the person she was in the beginning. 

After my first daughter was born was the first time she cheated on me.  I caught her having sex with some guy while my daughter was in the crib next to her bed.  I was devastated.  We separated for a couple of months. Due to fear of splitting time with my infant daughter and because I loved her I decided to try and work it out. 

We had my second daughter and decided shortly after to move in with each other.  Things were good for about a year and then all hell broke loose.  She would disappear.  Start arguments to get out of the house. Come home drunk out of her mind.  One night it got really bad between me and her and I decided to sleep at my parents house to cool off.  In the middle of the night something told me to go back home.  I got there and she was not in the house.  My kids... .toddlers at at the time were left alone and she was down the street in some guys car.  This was the second time I caught her cheating.  I kicked her out of the house that night.  After some time her behavior eventually calmed down.  She would act like a normal mother.  She would continue to try and work her way back into my heart.  I didn't trust her so I maintained sole custody of my kids and kept her at arms length.  This went on for 7 years. 

Finally she convinced me to give it one last shot.  I foolishly did and bought a house with this woman.  She didn't even last a year before the cycle started all over again.  Drinking, lying, disappearing acts.  I finally found out she was cheating again with someone from work (all 3 times someone from work).  I told her she had to leave the house. 

She has been gone for 2 months and every time I think it's getting easier I will have a conversation with her and I feel like I'm right back to square one. At this point I know that I have to get away from her.  For my own health... .but also to set a healthy example for my kids.  Even knowing that... it's still extremely difficult. 

[peter5v10]

I am in the process of trying to detach myself from what I believe is a borderline narcissistic woman.  We have been together for 16 years and have 2 daughters together. 

In the beginning she was very intoxicating.  She was there for me when I needed someone and sexually she could be very intense.  I think I mistook this intensity for true intimacy.  After about 2 years the relationship seem to wane for her.  She would break plans and go out without me a lot.  For a couple years after that I was always chasing the woman I fell in love with... .trying without success to find the person she was in the beginning. 

After my first daughter was born was the first time she cheated on me.  I caught her having sex with some guy while my daughter was in the crib next to her bed.  I was devastated.  We separated for a couple of months. Due to fear of splitting time with my infant daughter and because I loved her I decided to try and work it out. 

We had my second daughter and decided shortly after to move in with each other.  Things were good for about a year and then all hell broke loose.  She would disappear.  Start arguments to get out of the house. Come home drunk out of her mind.  One night it got really bad between me and her and I decided to sleep at my parents house to cool off.  In the middle of the night something told me to go back home.  I got there and she was not in the house.  My kids... .toddlers at at the time were left alone and she was down the street in some guys car.  This was the second time I caught her cheating.  I kicked her out of the house that night.  After some time her behavior eventually calmed down.  She would act like a normal mother.  She would continue to try and work her way back into my heart.  I didn't trust her so I maintained sole custody of my kids and kept her at arms length.  This went on for 7 years. 

Finally she convinced me to give it one last shot.  I foolishly did and bought a house with this woman.  She didn't even last a year before the cycle started all over again.  Drinking, lying, disappearing acts.  I finally found out she was cheating again with someone from work (all 3 times someone from work).  I told her she had to leave the house. 

She has been gone for 2 months and every time I think it's getting easier I will have a conversation with her and I feel like I'm right back to square one. At this point I know that I have to get away from her.  For my own health... .but also to set a healthy example for my kids.  Even knowing that... it's still extremely difficult. 

[enlighten me]

Hi Peter

Welcome to the family.

Im sorry you've had to deal with all of this.

Your story is unfortunately a very common one. Its incredible how many times I have seen my story told by a multitude of strangers.

The healing and detaching process does take time. For me it felt like an addiction. Unlike a physical one it was inside of my head and any thought of the good times or niceness from my ex knocked me back.

There are a number of lessons on the leaving board which may be of use to you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

And the co parenting board has a lot of useful information.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=9.0

Please keep posting and keep reading. It does help.

EM