OVERNIGHTS WITH MY SON

[chefbruce]

From settlement meeting.

My ex is as well quite far in debt with legal fees as well as I, and cannot take over the mortgage on our condo that I was forced to leave a year and a half ago, even if I just sign it over to her

Ex and her lawyer are planning to come for some unreasonable expenses since our split in the next meeting.

She has been working on a plan for the last 8 months to sell the condo to square up her debts and move out of the province with our son.  I am now financially crippled and have no more money to argue in court.  Neither does she though. 

My support payments have gone up, but not unfairly, I am now paying 60% of the daycare fees in addition to child support.  I am paying retroactive support as well in the interim.  Not unreasonable.  Not unexpected.  I have no ill feelings about this.  It's a financial crutch.

The amazing news.  Overnights begin with my son tomorrow.  After a year and a half of Mondays and Tuesdays 9am to 5 pm.

Monday nights only until December 1 then it will be Mondays and Tuesdays.  (I work as a professional chef.  Weekends don't work for me.)

Overnights start tomorrow!

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I would have thought that I'd be elated and jumping around the room.  As it is, I'm not.  I'm so happy in a sense and swimming in my own head, and getting anxious about wanting to do something special with the boy tomorrow to celebrate.

In the same moment, I'm so very sad about the destruction and pain, and loss.  Maybe now, I can start to rebuild.  I haven't been able to become that they call a survivor yet, as the slow pass through the meat grinder has continued for so long.

When does the healing begin?

All my very best.

ChefBruceWayne 



I'm am emotionally overwhelmed that finally overnights are starting.  It has been so long since I've been able to kiss my son on the head while he sleeps. 

[momtara]

awww. it's ok to be so filled with things you want to do, that you can't just enjoy it. it's sort of like too much at once. don't worry about how it feels or doesn't feel. it will be something to get used to. i wonder if you are so anxious about something possibly preventing this, since you wanted it so badly. you may feel better when it starts working out. congrats!

[livednlearned]

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I would have thought that I'd be elated and jumping around the room.  As it is, I'm not. 

I understand this -- when the judge awarded me full custody, and again when he terminated visitation, it was the end of expensive legal battles and so much stress. It was something I had worked hard for, maybe harder than anything I'd ever worked for, and yet when the verdict came in I felt... .numb. Almost deflated.

Maybe it's because the overriding sadness that we had to fight for something that never should've involved a fight.

It's hard to feel elated when there is mental illness involved, and our kids are so hurt by it.

Healing is such a mystery to me. I remember the first year after leaving my ex, I cried about once a day, sometimes just weeping as I walked the dog. For a few years after, I would have these intense breakdowns where I would sob until my face hurt. My T told me to use that time to make deep changes, that grief can be very cathartic. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss that window when I felt my emotions so intensely. At the time, I wanted desperately to wake up and feel "normal."

Do you have a support network in place? Anyone you can talk to about what you're going through?

I do think it's very normal to experience a sense of deflation when the courts or lawyers settle in your favor.

[ForeverDad]

I notice your background regarding marriage and son's age was similar to mine.  I too had a 3 year old when my marriage imploded.  I had been married 15 years and you 10 years.  Too, we both had allegations against us.  And the initial reports indicated we could still have contact with our children.

My court just went ahead and ordered a temp order with me as alternate weekend father.  But you were limited to just day visits.  One thing that helped me - a little - was that I was the first to go to authorities and my ex was the one charged.  She got off, court ruled she was not guilty because her threats were not imminent because she didn't have weapons in her hands.  And over in family court that case was ignored so far as I could discern, court defaulted to her as Mother who "worked from home" even if I had temporary protection and she could approach our home.

I'm guessing your lawyer made a 'deal' a year ago for you to have days only?  Or was it the court's decision?  Frankly, your stbEx's unsubstantiated allegations were DV and not child abuse, or primarily so.  IT shouldn't have impacted your parenting as much as it did.  Even if it did there ought to have been stages of increasing parenting built into any order, though often the court and lawyers don't bother to think ahead like that.  Yes, your job made parenting on weekends impractical, but the court did change visits to your off days.  Why?  First, you were seen as as normal enough to have unsupervised day visits.  Generally restrictions are only on concerns of abuse, endangerment or neglect.  Second, you had been parenting with your stbEx for son's first 3 years of life with no concerns reported to authorities.  So actually, not allowing you overnights after the separation would have impacted your son.  (Sadly, court doesn't care much about you.)

However, this is good news, your parenting is being expanded.  Just don't let the court and other professionals minimize what happened.  Your parenting was drastically limited for far too long, a year and a half, for no substantive reason.  And it had to have impacted your son negatively to some extent.  If they're like my court and professionals, they won't be interested in make up time or voicing that the past restrictions weren't appropriate or confirming it was all the result of stbEx's emotional scare tactics, obstructions and unsubstantiated allegations.  It will be crickets.