my elderly borderline mother

[lstar]

Hello,

I am a mom, a wife, a homeowner, and a PhD in neuropsychology; with several very close female friends, a love of people in general, and a benefactor to others whenever I can be.  I have suffered from depression and generalized anxiety disorder since about age 5.  My younger sister lives 18 miles from my family, visits only on holidays, limits our phone calls to 10 minutes and initiates contact with me about one time per month.  My family lives 8 miles from my parents.  We visit one or two times per year. My mother has deemed me the black sheep since I was about 5; my children are "monsters" (she's told them this lots of times - in person and over the phone).  They are afraid of their grandmother.  She rages at either my dad or me (she can rage over the phone).  After she rages at me (about once every 2 months), she won't speak to me for a week, to a month, or recently, 4 months.  She has been raging at my sister and I since we were 5 and 7 years old.  She tells the neighbors that my dad is trying to kill her and that I am "no good".  Their neighbors feel very sorry for her, but a few smart ones have asked me about her strange familiarity with them - because they hardly know her.  My sister is my mom's darling, and they both revel in their relationship.  Mom is my sister's only friend. They say that they are both victims of me and my dad, mostly because I don't give my sister enough money and love, and because I have always been a "jealous and selfish daughter".  My dad calls me 5 days a week and we enjoy our talks.  He is a good grandpa.  My dilemma is that I have times when I need to phone my dad and my mother answers and can ruin me for hours... .she spits into the phone "what do you want?"  Then she follows my dad around the house or outside and spits fire at me and about him - so I can hear it in the background.  I am reduced to a quaking child again.  My mom is 84 and my dad is 80.  Help.

[Auslaunder]

That is nerve wracking! Do you think you could get your dad a cell phone and teach him to text? If his eye sight is poor some cell phones are made with large screens now. He might be able to hide your communication better from your mother, but make sure he locks it and erases his conversations. You won't be able to hear the fight. You might also try arranging times for him to call you so that she won't pick up and harangue you. And since you live close by maybe you two could meet up for lunch sometime. How is your father doing with all this?

[lstar]

Thank you for your reply, Auslaunder.  My dad is so in the dark ages!  They only have a house land-line.  Yes, I will get him a cell phone, it'll help maybe.  But he won't hide from my mom.  IF she hears it, she'll follow him around spitting fire at us.  I feel bad for him.  He is strong in some ways, but that only really gets him into trouble at home.  He fights back (verbally) when she rages at him, and I worry he's going to have a heart attack (he's 80, she's 84).  He won't let her push him around, he says.  One day, she took a knife to him (she's actually done this lots of times) because he doesn't shy away from her rages.  He said he got sick of having a knife pulled on him, even though he's a lot bigger than her and not afraid of her.  So he called the cops.  They arrested her, but on the way to the station, she told them that he said he was going to kill her.  So they took her to a hospital for "care" and went back to their house and arrested him!  He wasn't allowed back into their house for 6 months.  He stayed with my sister and her husband.  They liked it because neither one of them works very often and my dad paid all their bills.  He said it was like a vacation for him.  And who looked after elderly mom?  ME!  And she didn't spit any fire at me the entire time!  Wow!  That was just a revelation!  That means she knows not to look a gift horse in the mouth!  And here I've been thinking she didn't have any control!  Thank you, Auslaunder!

Hey there moderators - do you know how/why my mom didn't attack me while I was the only one looking after her?

[Kwamina]

Hi lstar and welcome to bpdfamily

Your mother is elderly now. Has she as far as you know ever been diagnosed with any kind of mental, emotional or behavioral disorder? Has she perhaps ever received any kind of treatment for her issues?

One day, she took a knife to him (she's actually done this lots of times) because he doesn't shy away from her rages.  He said he got sick of having a knife pulled on him, even though he's a lot bigger than her and not afraid of her.  So he called the cops.  They arrested her, but on the way to the station, she told them that he said he was going to kill her.  So they took her to a hospital for "care" and went back to their house and arrested him!

Your mother's behavior is very concerning. Do you feel like your dad is physically safe there now? Is pulling a knife still something your mother does?

And who looked after elderly mom?  ME!  And she didn't spit any fire at me the entire time!  Wow!  That was just a revelation!  That means she knows not to look a gift horse in the mouth!  And here I've been thinking she didn't have any control!  Thank you, Auslaunder!

Hey there moderators - do you know how/why my mom didn't attack me while I was the only one looking after her?

Now that is interesting that your mother didn't 'spit fire' at you! Working under the assumption that your mother has BPD, we can say that her mind is wired quite differently from non-disordered people. As a result she behaves in a way that to us might seem mind-boggling yet to her might make perfect sense. Though people with BPD can get very dysregulated, they most definitely aren't crazy and can be held accountable for their actions. They might not always know why they behave the way they do, but within the context of their differently wired mind, they might still exert control over their actions.

I don't know why your mother didn't attack you, there can be various scenarios. Perhaps she feared the consequences if you would leave too, perhaps she feared being alone and in her mind 'totally abandoned'. Or perhaps felt that you had such strong boundaries at the time that it would be in her best interest to behave differently.

Many people with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment which sometimes seems strange because by their own behavior they often are the cause of the abandonment they fear so much. Would you say that your mother has a fear of abandonment?

It could also be that the fact that your dad wasn't around changed the family dynamics so much for her that she didn't get triggered as much anymore. It could be that there is something in the interactions when the two of them are together that particularly triggers your mom.

Or perhaps you were just lucky  That happens too! Some people with BPD go through extended stretches without any major incidents of 'bad' or 'problematic' behavior.

[Auslaunder]

Ishtar,

I'm very concerned about your mother attacking your father violently. He might feel he can take care of himself but it will be much harder for him to get redress from the authorities now that she has pinned a false domestic violence charge on him. Also as he ages it will be harder for him to protect himself. You might try having him call you to come over if he needs the police and request statements from the neighbors, the ones that know she is off and can hear her yelling all the time. Since she is so old, calling for medical help instead of the police when she becomes so dysphoric wouldn't raise any eyebrows. Emergency services would assume dementia and it might be less confrontational. As you probably know, people with dementia claim their loved ones are plotting to kill them a lot.

As for why she didn't rage at you while you were caring for her. BPD cycles. The rages and dysregulation release inner tension. Sometimes outside sources help to trigger them but they also go through stretches where they are very nice directly following the releasing of this inner tension. Maybe you can remember as a child her raging at you and then hours or days later acting like nothing happened and wanting a hug and for you to tell her you loved her?

[lstar]

To Auslaunder and moderator,

You both have pointed out some things about my mom that make me feel especially understood AND that you both know a lot about BPD (even the fine print).  Not that I ever doubted your expertise, dear moderator.  Thank you both.  I'll think on all you've said and write back soon with some questions.  Thank you!