Is healthy intensity actually a thing?

[cyclistIII]

So... .the two most intense relationships of my life, the only two where I really fell head over heels and thought "I would do anything for this person" have both turned out to be pwBPD. One was my ex-husband, twelve years ago, and when I found my most recent ex, it was this whole thing of, wow, I thought that was a once in a lifetime thing; I didn't think I got to feel like this again... .and then after two months of "you're the one; my heart has chosen you; I will never leave you" he freaked out and dumped me and I figured out he had BPD, which led me to also realize the same condition was behind all the crazy with my ex-husband.

So now I'm wondering... .I mean, I don't need quite that level of intensity, but... .is there some sort of in-between? Something between that crazy-intense and ultimately dysfunctional magical, instant connection and "oh, I guess you'll do"? Or am I severely brainwashed by Hollywood and therefore beyond hope of a realistically healthy connection?

Sigh.

[once removed]

hey cyclistIII 

i have to admit hollywood movies had an effect on my sense of whats realistic and natural. i dont have all the answers, and i still believe in soulmates (a person can have more than one and more than one kind). i do tend to think intimacy is naturally built slowly and over time.

what about your other past relationships? how have they evolved, how do you feel about how they developed? do you think that youre attracted to a certain kind of intensity?

[valet]

Hey cyclist, that's a good question. Honestly, I don't know what the answer might be for you in particular, but I agree with once removed in saying that healthy intimacy is built slowly over time. I think that the 'magic' should come later, after the relationship is built a bit.

That said, I also tend to want to have unrealistic expectations and would love to be swept off of my feet. This is typically never a long-term mentality, however. My experience with those kinds of relationships makes me question myself when I feel a connection like that nowadays.

The real challenge is figuring out what we want and what makes us happy. Everything else tends to make a lot more sense this way.

[Michelle27]

I think it's possible to a certain extent.  Not to the same intensity as a relationship with a pwBPD though. 

[cyclistIII]

I guess I'm just being negative and only seeing the recent past instead of the bigger picture. The truth is, I've had a lot of relationships that were intense in a good way and just didn't work out for whatever reasons (long-distance, since I travel a lot; differences over wanting kids; etc). And then I was in a two-year relationship that was super-stable, we never fought, got along great, perfect communication, and he's a great guy, but his emotions were muted and he wasn't really passionate about anything, and even after two years I didn't feel that "in love" intensity. And then I went from that to the polar opposite experience with my xwBPD, so now when I get depressed I start to think those are my only two options. Which of course isn't true... .sigh.