My husband of 35 years left for affair partner and blames me for everything

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Five years ago I learned that my husband of 35 years was having an affair with someone he knew from high school. Befor that He kept saying he was unhappy and I didn't know what to do about it. I now know that, as well as "I love you but I am not in. Love with you" meant he was having an affair. He said we had no money to retire and that was my fault, even though I have been working for thirty years. He would never take time off for vacation. He was a workaholic but there never seemed to be any money. He changed business names five times. He never got proper permits for his business. He never kept proper books. He got thousands of dollars of red light camera tickets.  His shop burnt down at one point and his van blew up in front of the house. He does not take care of his health or appearance but always thinks women are attracted to him. He was never there for me when I was sick and got mad at me when I was.  Even though I am a professional and more educated than him, he subtly belittled me. Told me I was fat. Told me I talked without thinking. Etc. wouldn't communicate with me about important issues and would get angry and run out of the house or refuse to talk to me.  Hadn't touched me in years but said he tried when I was sleeping. Although I found out about the girlfriend five years ago it was going on eight years! The first time he left I thought he just wasn't happy with me. I never suspected he was a cheater. We started dating and going to marital therapy while he was living with her! Then three months later he told me he was having an affair and he wanted to come home but I would have to help him get over her.  He stayed home three months and left for her again. Then he came home for the third time and stayed home four years. Every time he came back from her he had to go in patient alcohol detox ( I never knew he was a drinker!). We went to marital therapy for years, during which both he and the therapist blamed me for everything. He refused to talk about the affair at all and had no remorse. He wanted to retire early but saidcouldn't because it was my fault! In late July of 2014 I caught him Texting his girlfriend:"you are the one and only person I love". Then he told me he was selling his business and moving to Florida to be with her. (She has left ny and bought a house in Florida because he always wanted to live there). He remained part time in ny to run his business but kept going there to visit her. Again, he had to be detoxed. He wanted to come home again. We went to a new therapist who asked him point blank if he was in touch with this woman and he said no. (He has told me that he can't stop lying). I did not let him move full time back in the house and felt if had real intention to work on the marriage he would get an apartment,  which he did not. On May 12 this year I caught him with a cell phone or go phone just for contact with this woman. I confronted him by phone and when I got home he was gone. We are now divorcing. He fired his lawyer and has not hired another one. He is not meeting his financial obligations to me and to pay the family bills. He has a cash business and is hiding money. Even though the business is still in ny he is in Florida three weeks out of the month. He is giving me the silent treatment. What little he has said is that the money dynamic and problems between us ruined the marriage where I now believe it was the constant lying, stonewalling, chaos and cheating that did it. It took a very very long time that the person I thought had my back was stabbing me in it. Is this BPD? Or as he explains it, he was just trying to be a good guy and stay with his family, but he just loves the girlfriend so much. Even in the divorce he is showing a complete lack of responsibility and integrity even though he says I am the best person he knows. His friends want nothing to do with him and our son is not talking to him. He hurt me over and over again and seems to have no conscience and acts like I should feel bad for him.  Opinion ? What is going on here?

[Ebwrite]

Five years ago I learned that my husband of 35 years was having an affair with someone he knew from high school. Befor that He kept saying he was unhappy and I didn't know what to do about it. I now know that, as well as "I love you but I am not in. Love with you" meant he was having an affair. He said we had no money to retire and that was my fault, even though I have been working for thirty years. He would never take time off for vacation. He was a workaholic but there never seemed to be any money. He changed business names five times. He never got proper permits for his business. He never kept proper books. He got thousands of dollars of red light camera tickets.  His shop burnt down at one point and his van blew up in front of the house. He does not take care of his health or appearance but always thinks women are attracted to him. He was never there for me when I was sick and got mad at me when I was.  Even though I am a professional and more educated than him, he subtly belittled me. Told me I was fat. Told me I talked without thinking. Etc. wouldn't communicate with me about important issues and would get angry and run out of the house or refuse to talk to me.  Hadn't touched me in years but said he tried when I was sleeping. Although I found out about the girlfriend five years ago it was going on eight years! The first time he left I thought he just wasn't happy with me. I never suspected he was a cheater. We started dating and going to marital therapy while he was living with her! Then three months later he told me he was having an affair and he wanted to come home but I would have to help him get over her.  He stayed home three months and left for her again. Then he came home for the third time and stayed home four years. Every time he came back from her he had to go in patient alcohol detox ( I never knew he was a drinker!). We went to marital therapy for years, during which both he and the therapist blamed me for everything. He refused to talk about the affair at all and had no remorse. He wanted to retire early but saidcouldn't because it was my fault! In late July of 2014 I caught him Texting his girlfriend:"you are the one and only person I love". Then he told me he was selling his business and moving to Florida to be with her. (She has left ny and bought a house in Florida because he always wanted to live there). He remained part time in ny to run his business but kept going there to visit her. Again, he had to be detoxed. He wanted to come home again. We went to a new therapist who asked him point blank if he was in touch with this woman and he said no. (He has told me that he can't stop lying). I did not let him move full time back in the house and felt if had real intention to work on the marriage he would get an apartment,  which he did not. On May 12 this year I caught him with a cell phone or go phone just for contact with this woman. I confronted him by phone and when I got home he was gone. We are now divorcing. He fired his lawyer and has not hired another one. He is not meeting his financial obligations to me and to pay the family bills. He has a cash business and is hiding money. Even though the business is still in ny he is in Florida three weeks out of the month. He is giving me the silent treatment. What little he has said is that the money dynamic and problems between us ruined the marriage where I now believe it was the constant lying, stonewalling, chaos and cheating that did it. It took a very very long time that the person I thought had my back was stabbing me in it. Is this BPD? Or as he explains it, he was just trying to be a good guy and stay with his family, but he just loves the girlfriend so much. Even in the divorce he is showing a complete lack of responsibility and integrity even though he says I am the best person he knows. His friends want nothing to do with him and our son is not talking to him. He hurt me over and over again and seems to have no conscience and acts like I should feel bad for him.  Opinion ? What is going on here?

[Turkish]

Hello, Ebwrite,

To attribute this to mid life crisis, or just falling out of love with you is unfair. There's something more going on, and that he hid the drinking from you is telling. Is it BPD? Maybe. Perhaps these can help:

The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

What is BPD (48 minute video)

His words and behaviors are cruel, and still indicating affectionate feelings towards you are probably confusing to say the least.

My T, who only saw my Ex twice, said she seemed to have a compartmentalized personality. Maybe that explained how her actions were cruel, but later she painted me white as a good and decent man and father. This is confusing. She left me for a young man who could be my son.

At what stage is your divorce, and is he going to come back again to stay with you? I had to live with my Ex for 4 months until she could comfortably move out. It was nerve-wracking, but the tools here (the lessons to the right of the board), helped reduce conflict, also during custody negotiations since our kids are young.

You said that your son isn't talking to him. How old is he, and how are you each supporting each other?

Turkish

[Ebwrite]

No.  We are really heading for divorce now.  Three days before I caught him with the go phone, he gave me three dozen roses and told me he would love me forever.  My son is 30.  When I told my son that I had been seen my husband since July of 2014 and caught him again in May of this year, my son said: Why wouldn't he do it (cheat and lie)?  He's done it before.  So isn't that great that my son knows my husband is a liar and cheater, with not an ounce of integrity. One of the issues the last time (since July of 2014) was that I wouldn't let my husband move back home.  Still, he violated my boundaries and stayed at the house 3-5 days a week.  I said I didn't want him to move in until things were right with us.  Of course, that was not to happen, because he never stopped cheating.  On May 12 of this year, the day I found out about the go phone, he was at the house when I was at work.  I caught he, he left and I never saw him again except at a sit down with our first  lawyers (yes, I have a new lawyer and he has none), when he was sitting there with an angry face, like he hated me.

The stbx says my son and I are the most important person in the world to him yet he was a distant father.  He was the fun parent.  I think he was jealous of how much I loved my son, and tried to drive a wedge between us.  I didn't see that then.  My son does not want to talk to me about my husband or about the divorce.  They have not seen each other in the past six months.  My son just feels that my husband hurts us and wants me to stay away from him.  He did send my husband a text saying that he loves his father, but doesn't like him.  My son is 30 and, thank goodness, has a lovely girlfriend and  a happy life.  But terribly disappointed with his father. My son is loving to me but wants to keep his distance and stay out of it.  I wish he was more supportive, but the therapist says this is good.  I have a lot of friends and other support.

My husband has all the characteristics of BPD but my therapist, who has met him, thinks he's a sociopath. I can't figure out if he has no feelings and that's why he used me so, or has too many feelings that are unmanageable.  He certainly is impulsive and self centered.  He certainly is a narcissist.  The therapit thinks he has a bunch of cluster B issues. Keep in mind he has led a double life all these years.  And I suppose he and he girlfriend have gone through all the drama of breaking up and then getting back together.  It's the greatest love the universe has ever known!  He has been very very cruel to me for years in very subtle ways.  When we would leave the marital therapist, he would say that he "put one over on her".  And I am finally taking a stand for myself- serving him with divorce papers today.  I have been the meek good little wife and spent a lot of time wondering what what wrong with me- why wasn't I enough- what did I do wrong.  And I did plenty wrong, I nagged.  Nothing ever made sense and it still doesn't.  And I don't understand why I accepted so little and why I still miss him.  There was never real remorse- instead of saying, I'll do anything.  He would say: this will never work because you can't get over it.  He says the cheating has nothing to do with the end of the marriage- he says it was a bad money dynamic.  When a person lies to you, it makes you crazy.  No matter how sane you think you are.  So of course, I have ptsd and I blame myself.  But I am getting stronger.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I'm sorry you are going through this, but I can tell you are coming out of the FOG. You are starting to see things for how they really were, and I'd bet you always did see it, but you just made excuses for him or wanted to believe him. Lots of us have been there.

You are right, if he'd wanted it to work, he'd have done what it took to make it work, and not tried to put the blame on issues that were not the real issue. Amazing how he glossed right over the fact that he lied for so long, or was unfaithful for so long.

If it's BPD or APD, either way, you were living a life with him that was false, and less than you deserved. You now have a chance to get away from the craziness and drama.

[Dutched]

Sorry there is not much response on your post. I guess it is because this is one of the more exceptional long r/s described on the board. Being out of a r/s of more than 3 decades myself, I understand the devastating feeling of all invested, known, worked for, etc. for a lifetime.

Please prepare yourself for an emotional rollercoaster.

Detaching after so many yrs. won’t be easy. Despite all, the (secure) feeling of being a pair, having a partner, a friend/buddy (yes I know…) is gone.

The fall out will haunt you for a long time with every special family day. Daily routine is vanished, all the securities and dreams you had are no more. It will become lonely for a while, special in the darker hours when you wonder again about the ‘what if’ question.

Now, although your journey will be very difficult, even sometimes start to idealising your 35 yrs, try to see the real dynamic of your marriage. You will in time, I promise.

As your stbex in a way already emotionally detached from your r/s, be aware you will see his ‘happines’ exhibit ( really nothing else than that, as it is to make believe… ), while you are grieving with unbelieve.

But don’t believe what you see! He was in a nice and very luxurious position of taking his freedom, being comforted and facilitated, but now faces hard reality!

He will be forced to face ALL consequences of his actions, towards you, the kids, family and friends. It is/was honeymoon but will become ‘normal’, staying out of necessity, or escaping and ending up… (well somewhere)

That will comfort you during this long rough time!

Don’t understand me wrong on this! I don’t say this as thoughts of punishment towards stbex, but for you, as during the grieving process one needs thoughts to detach.

If Cluster B of ‘just’ midlife crisis, many symptoms are superficially the same. When these symptoms were of the last years, one tends to think about midlife, but as you know stbex for so long you are the one that can tell if his behaviour was more or less dormant for many years (Maybe ‘signs’ all over the place of High Functioning Borderline).

Really, really take care and guard your interests!

[ShadowIntheNight]

Sorry there is not much response on your post. I guess it is because this is one of the more exceptional long r/s described on the board. Being out of a r/s of more than 3 decades myself, I understand the devastating feeling of all invested, known, worked for, etc. for a lifetime.

Please prepare yourself for an emotional rollercoaster.

Detaching after so many yrs. won’t be easy. Despite all, the (secure) feeling of being a pair, having a partner, a friend/buddy (yes I know…) is gone.

The fall out will haunt you for a long time with every special family day. Daily routine is vanished, all the securities and dreams you had are no more. It will become lonely for a while, special in the darker hours when you wonder again about the ‘what if’ question.

Now, although your journey will be very difficult, even sometimes start to idealising your 35 yrs, try to see the real dynamic of your marriage. You will in time, I promise.

As your stbex in a way already emotionally detached from your r/s, be aware you will see his ‘happines’ exhibit ( really nothing else than that, as it is to make believe… ), while you are grieving with unbelieve.

But don’t believe what you see! He was in a nice and very luxurious position of taking his freedom, being comforted and facilitated, but now faces hard reality!

He will be forced to face ALL consequences of his actions, towards you, the kids, family and friends. It is/was honeymoon but will become ‘normal’, staying out of necessity, or escaping and ending up… (well somewhere)

That will comfort you during this long rough time!

Don’t understand me wrong on this! I don’t say this as thoughts of punishment towards stbex, but for you, as during the grieving process one needs thoughts to detach.

If Cluster B of ‘just’ midlife crisis, many symptoms are superficially the same. When these symptoms were of the last years, one tends to think about midlife, but as you know stbex for so long you are the one that can tell if his behaviour was more or less dormant for many years (Maybe ‘signs’ all over the place of High Functioning Borderline).

Really, really take care and guard your interests!

I wish ur post had been around when my r/s ended last year dutched! I was with my ex only 9.5 years but I didn't find too many people who could relate. My ex was very high functioning, she never blamed me for her leaving or for her push/pull behavior which was really our only problem. We had no kids and we were a lesbian couple.

Having said all of that, in the case of the OP, based on your description you are really lucky to get rid of this guy. 35 years is a long time to put up with a lot, and I suspect it all didn't go bad early in your marriage but later which is why you stayed so long.

Whomever this woman is who he clearly has a push/pull r/s with (is she maybe doing it and that's why he comes back or is he doing it out of his guilt? Who knows?) she may one day have enough of him. You realize they haven't gotten it all together all this time he has been with her. And having the security of his marriage there has allowed that to go on for both of them. There is really no telling how it will turn out once he has to be in that r/s full time. Maybe they'll calm down and stay together, maybe they won't. But personally, particularly in what you've described, I wouldn't let him come creeping round my back door ever again. You should realize his actions have affected your health and the older we get, it really is our most important feature.

Finally, let me add this, once your son gets married and has children, your stbexH will realize the consequences of his actions particularly because I suspect your son will never want his family to know his father. You exH probably doesn't even think about this, probably doesn't recognize that the older he gets the more it will affect him that his son hates him. Trust me, that will bother him more than he will ever know.

But you will get years of happiness again because of those grandchildren. So as much as this crappy exH is, you do have years of happiness coming. I know because my nephew just had a baby girl with his wife. And that does ease some of the pain from my exgf. Not much, but some. And that's better than none.

I truly am sorry this happened to you, but unless this guy straightened his life out completely I would only let your door see his backside ever again.

[Ebwrite]

Thank you for your responses. Since I served him with divorce papers he has not talked to me or paid a dime toward our joint marital debts.  Wouldn't it be nice if we could all run away from our responsibilities ? He told his lawyer a bunch of lies, claiming all the money problems were due to me.  But I didn't cheat for ten years or have an alcohol or drug problem. He did. I believe he probably sold his business behind my back. He rarely returns from Florida. It appears that he now viciously hates me. Ironic really. Looking back now I realize he really didn't have any friends. All our mutual friends support me. He always accused other people of lying, including me, but he is really the liar.  He is hiding money and claiming he is broke.  Meanwhile he's not working, collecting money because his employees are running the business and is on permanent vacation.  My lawyer says his lawyer does not understand what's really going on w him because he seems normal but is totally lying so we have to go for a support order. A waste of time and money. How do I feel? Used. Very used. Heartbroken. But my eyes are finally open.  He kept the mask up until he was ready to make the leap and then the true colors came out. Why try to destroy me?  I don't know. I haven't got a clue. So again I ask. A normal divorce or something mentally wrong here?  Clearly he has no morals or integrity. I have been there for him through countless misfortunes (that I now believe were entirely of his own making). What did I do ?  And yes, as I struggle to rebuild my life I wonder if he gets happiness with the other woman. He was obsessed with her, her pension and Florida and he got it all.  Maybe I just get peace from the chaos. As for my son, he is conflicted. To be honest, I do want him to be mad at his father for his cruelty to me. But he was raised by both parents and, like me, was totally blindsided. I don't know what relationship they will have. And yes Dutched, you have perfectly described what it's like to have your life plan and security wrenched out from under you and to be alone really, for the first time now. But to be honest I have been alone for a very long time and dragging his weight. There are lots of whys but maybe now I have a chance for a happier life.  I am only seeing that now. Can you miss your tormentor?  I am done. As for the other woman, he also left her several times to come home to me.  I hope they do not find happiness together. My stbx may stay though because he won't have to work as long as he is with her and my door is closed.

[Dutched]

Must have missed some messages.

Shadowinthenight, please the length of your r/s was not ‘only’ 9.5 yrs compared with some others.

We know these relationships are emotional very intense, even despite the ex was high functioning (as ‘my’ex).

Ebwrite,

As said earlier, guard your interests!

Read and ask questions to fellow members, specifically on the ‘family law, divorce and custody’ section.

Sadly it is common that ‘they’ run away from every responsibility (you must have noticed that already during the r/s), now it gets very clear to you.

See to it that you document as much as you can; store in a safe place legal docs (mortgage, insurances, etc.).

It is all about your future now, yours alone!

It is common ‘they’ destroy ‘the best ever happened to me’, again and again.

Just know that a ‘normal divorce’ is not possible, somehow it will be a high conflict divorce despite efforts from your side, despite (and please be prepared!) the ‘balanced’ words of stbex(!), as words won’t match their actions.

So make sure you set your boundaries.

Of course your son is conflicted, it is his dad. Although your emotions will play part of it towards your son, reassure yourself that your son will see the difference in time! 

After so many years and seeing this happening with ex now, another reassurance.

Stbex won’t find the love, happiness, friendship and intimacy of a real buddy anymore. Ex is after several yrs. despite having a soother, not on her baseline, it is just making up appearances as if they moved on, excusing themselves (as pwBPD can’t confront themselves) for that ‘wise’ decision to escape that miserable and boring life with you… wow… that light bulb after more than 3 decades…

Imagine how (stb)ex suffered all these yrs.? 

That was cynical, I know, that is just their justification.

After all those yrs. ex said to me ‘it was a necessity, I had to’…   well, how disordered must one be?


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