Jealousy and Intuition

[Depression = 72% of members]

One thing I have figured out is for some reason my uBPD wife thinks everyone wants me. She says her intuition is never wrong. Even my gay friend that I almost never talk to. I told her I'm not gay. And she said but he still wants you. And then I noticed she will often pick the most attractive woman and get angry that she wants me. I thought it was that I was trying to be the center of attention that was making her angry. But it is because when I'm talking in a group, I get the attention of the person she has decided wants me. I am flattered that it is always the most attractive woman that she singles out. She will then start saying mean things to this woman. When I post a selfie on facebook, she will get angry that I'm trying to get attention. I thought it was any attention, but now I think the anger is that I am trying to get attention from women. When I accused her of being jealous, she went into a rage that she can have any man she wants and she is going to start picking up men, and she will hurt me really bad. Now that I think back, most of the dysregulated times have been after she has had issues with "someone wanting me". She has flirted with men a few times and I got mad, and then she got really mad that I was mad.

[CrazyChuck]

One thing I have figured out is for some reason my uBPD wife thinks everyone wants me. She says her intuition is never wrong. Even my gay friend that I almost never talk to. I told her I'm not gay. And she said but he still wants you. And then I noticed she will often pick the most attractive woman and get angry that she wants me. I thought it was that I was trying to be the center of attention that was making her angry. But it is because when I'm talking in a group, I get the attention of the person she has decided wants me. I am flattered that it is always the most attractive woman that she singles out. She will then start saying mean things to this woman. When I post a selfie on facebook, she will get angry that I'm trying to get attention. I thought it was any attention, but now I think the anger is that I am trying to get attention from women. When I accused her of being jealous, she went into a rage that she can have any man she wants and she is going to start picking up men, and she will hurt me really bad. Now that I think back, most of the dysregulated times have been after she has had issues with "someone wanting me". She has flirted with men a few times and I got mad, and then she got really mad that I was mad.

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[ColdEthyl]

In short... .yep.

My husband is convinced I have a harem of men at work. He tells me since I work and he stays at home, I obviously have the better chance of cheating, and it's only a matter of time before I find someone better than him and kick him out.

This is his logic... .somehow my employment means I got dudes just falling over themselves to get some of this.

It's not anything you are doing... .pwBPD are just insanely jealous. They can be jealous over other people or even hobbies... .anything that takes your attention from them.

They are insecure by nature and this all stems from fear of abandonment.

[CrazyChuck]

I got dudes just falling over themselves to get some of this.

That was good.


And so true about the hobbies.

[ColdEthyl]

I got dudes just falling over themselves to get some of this.

That was good.


And so true about the hobbies.

Yeah I got slapped in the face with the hobby one recently over my photography. We were going to see the meteors and he suggested I bring my camera and tripod... .so that day i was looking up good ISOs to use and such, and when I got home that night it was "why is it not good enough for you to just hold my hand and watch them? Why... .you love that camera more than me!"

I will reiterate... .it was initially HIS suggestion. SMH 

[CrazyChuck]

I got dudes just falling over themselves to get some of this.

That was good.


And so true about the hobbies.

Yeah I got slapped in the face with the hobby one recently over my photography. We were going to see the meteors and he suggested I bring my camera and tripod... .so that day i was looking up good ISOs to use and such, and when I got home that night it was "why is it not good enough for you to just hold my hand and watch them? Why... .you love that camera more than me!"

I will reiterate... .it was initially HIS suggestion. SMH 

The randomness gets me. I bet if you went with him to take photos 5 times, he would be fine 3 of the 5 times.

[maxsterling]

I think it comes from more than just abandonment fears and from having been dumped before.

I think in the case of my wife, she has cheated before, so she doesn't understand why other people don't if they have the opportunity.  I think the concept of monogamy baffles her to some degree.  She doesn't want anyone else to have me, but at the same time doesn't understand why people are monogamous. 

I think she also has deep shame that there are many women better than her.  So obviously I will leave for another woman.   

But I notice she becomes resentful of other women with whom there is no insinuation of interest in me.  She is basically resentful of any woman who is thinner, has more money, or has a child and is the same age or younger than her.  So in the case of women she thinks may be interested in me, it is also a competitive thing, not a realistic thought that there is flirting going on.

[ColdEthyl]

I think she also has deep shame that there are many women better than her.  So obviously I will leave for another woman.   

My husband is convinced at some point I will meet someone at work and kick him out... .and he will just stay as long as he can. He says he would even forgive me for cheating just so he can stay with me.

Max, I've had sex with 2 people my whole life... .him and my exhusband. I am not like that... .never have been like that. In fact when I was in high school I lost several boyfriends just because I wouldn't sleep with him within a month of knowing them.

These facts escape him... .I have pointed that out before and he says "Well you do have that to fall back on as an argument" and "You run into 1,000 people a day where you work, it's only a matter of time before you are sick of me"

So, just the sheer fact that I work at a hospital means I'm going to bump into a random man and just screw him in the parking lot I guess. 

[CrazyChuck]

It's not me my wife is worried about. She worries about everyone else wanting me. So there really is nothing I can say or do to validate her. I just have to ride it out.

My wife has also cheated several times on her last husband and while we were dating. I'm about 75% sure while we have been married. So I think she thinks everyone will cheat, so she can't trust anyone.

[ColdEthyl]

It's not me my wife is worried about. She worries about everyone else wanting me. So there really is nothing I can say or do to validate her. I just have to ride it out.

My wife has also cheated several times on her last husband and while we were dating. I'm about 75% sure while we have been married. So I think she thinks everyone will cheat, so she can't trust anyone.

If I am understanding this correctly, she has cheated several times on both you and her exhusband?

If that's the case... .I'd say you have a good old fashioned case of gaslighting here.

[Jaded11]

That's the case for me too. My partner (or ex-partner with whom we are reconnecting on and off...   :'( ) is extremely jealous. I think it is actually morbid jealousy, paranoid jealousy. He makes stories in which he truly believes in, when there's NOTHING there. Latest event was last weekend, when he invited me to the house of a friend of his for dinner. After consumption of some alcohol (that always makes his paranoia worse) he started making a story in his head that I actually did not want to go back home with him (which is what I was waiting for all evening, and our initial plan too), but stay with his two friends, go out on a concert with them and have sex with them both. He became utterly convinced in this, and later on stated to me that he really can't trust me and that I'm fake, because "all I really wanted was to stay with his friends etc etc" . This couldn't be further away from reality, and it's not the first time that it has happened either. I have NO interest in the whole world in those guys, I was only there because he invited me and all I wanted was to go back home with him, and I have no interest whatsoever in casual sex . Sex for me is only something I was to do when I feel emotionally connected to the other- so only he is on my mind, no-one else.

Something that's also interesting is that at the beginning of our connection (before we were actually together) there had been 2 instances that I had indeed sex with my then- ex partner (when my current was going through a period of black-splitting and didn't want to know me). That's one year ago. Except those times I never have intended or had anything else- only HE has been my focus. However on his side, in the meantime he has had casual sex with 4 random people he "shopped" at bars-parties . How come then am I the one constantly suspect of cheating? I think it's projection to a huge extent.

My question is, what is there to do when the pwBPD is in this state of paranoid jealousy? What can be done to help them? I hadn't had such an event in such a long time, that this latest occurence has left me broken and hurt. How could he even make up this story, after all the amazingly wonderful and connecting moments we have been experiencing together? How can he be so rude and hurtful in his words to me, and actually BELIEVE these things, when all evidence contradicts his thoughts? Help, I feel very lost 

[Jessica84]

I also get accused of having other men wanting me... .like I somehow encourage this. I don't flirt and I have no interest in anyone else, but it's still my fault... somehow. Almost every time we go out, he'll say something like "look, they're all checking you out!" He doesn't say it with pride, but accusatory. And it's not even true. But he'll gawk at some woman and tell me how bad she wants him, you know, to "get me back." Hilarious to me now.

I used to point out to him that IF some man wanted me, it had NOTHING to do with MY wanting him back! But what HE was doing was purposefully disrespectful. I don't bother anymore. Just puts me in a bad mood and usually ruins a nice time out.

One thing I've learned is being defensive only makes it ring truer in his head. Now I ignore the accusations and when he tries to push my own insecure buttons to provoke me into jealousy. I chalk it up to his insecurity, his low self-esteem, his problem. I change the subject (to almost anything else) to get us past it. Best not to feed the insecurities... .whether it's theirs... .or ours. Save your energy. Distract with a shiny object and move on. 

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I also get accused of having other men wanting me... .like I somehow encourage this. I don't flirt and I have no interest in anyone else, but it's still my fault... somehow. Almost every time we go out, he'll say something like "look, they're all checking you out!" He doesn't say it with pride, but accusatory. And it's not even true. But he'll gawk at some woman and tell me how bad she wants him, you know, to "get me back." Hilarious to me now.

I used to point out to him that IF some man wanted me, it had NOTHING to do with MY wanting him back! But what HE was doing was purposefully disrespectful. I don't bother anymore. Just puts me in a bad mood and usually ruins a nice time out.

One thing I've learned is being defensive only makes it ring truer in his head. Now I ignore the accusations and when he tries to push my own insecure buttons to provoke me into jealousy. I chalk it up to his insecurity, his low self-esteem, his problem. I change the subject (to almost anything else) to get us past it. Best not to feed the insecurities... .whether it's theirs... .or ours. Save your energy. Distract with a shiny object and move on. 

Sounds a lot like my wife... .but then when I don't give her the response she wants when she says she can turn men's heads, I'm accused of not caring.  Any attempts to change the subject are met with I'm "avoiding" the topic because I "know" what she's saying is true... .

[Jessica84]

When she says she can "turn men's heads" you could agree by saying yes, she turns your head? 

That would be validating. Unless it's to deliberately try to make you jealous. I don't do so well with that kind of immaturity. Usually mine does it at a restaurant so I can change topics subtly by saying "oh, I love the salads here" or something to get him off that track. Whatever I can do to show no reaction seems to work best for me.  Sometimes we can't win no matter what we say.

[ColdEthyl]

I also get accused of having other men wanting me... .like I somehow encourage this. I don't flirt and I have no interest in anyone else, but it's still my fault... somehow. Almost every time we go out, he'll say something like "look, they're all checking you out!" He doesn't say it with pride, but accusatory. And it's not even true. But he'll gawk at some woman and tell me how bad she wants him, you know, to "get me back." Hilarious to me now.

I used to point out to him that IF some man wanted me, it had NOTHING to do with MY wanting him back! But what HE was doing was purposefully disrespectful. I don't bother anymore. Just puts me in a bad mood and usually ruins a nice time out.

One thing I've learned is being defensive only makes it ring truer in his head. Now I ignore the accusations and when he tries to push my own insecure buttons to provoke me into jealousy. I chalk it up to his insecurity, his low self-esteem, his problem. I change the subject (to almost anything else) to get us past it. Best not to feed the insecurities... .whether it's theirs... .or ours. Save your energy. Distract with a shiny object and move on. 

Same here... .and it's for the exact same reason. When he is being 'clear headed', he can admit that. But in the moment... .forget it. I'm going to take your suggestion and try changing the subject and see if that helps.

@Jaded11

My question is, what is there to do when the pwBPD is in this state of paranoid jealousy? What can be done to help them? I hadn't had such an event in such a long time, that this latest occurence has left me broken and hurt. How could he even make up this story, after all the amazingly wonderful and connecting moments we have been experiencing together? How can he be so rude and hurtful in his words to me, and actually BELIEVE these things, when all evidence contradicts his thoughts? Help, I feel very lost

You can't really 'help' per say... .this is something that is a part of them and will always be there. We can work on communication to lessen the occurrences and duration. In their minds, they are always unworthy. Everything they do and see passes through that filter.

For pwBPD, feelings are facts. My husband can be the same way. On good days he's clear, intelligent, benevolent, etc. but on bad ones he can twist and warp everything I say or do into an attack on his person. It's how he feels in the moment.

When he said those things to you... .he meant it and felt it at the time. The next day, he probably didn't.

[CrazyChuck]

.  Any attempts to change the subject are met with I'm "avoiding" the topic because I "know" what she's saying is true... .

I get this all the time. I feel like saying "You will make it true regardless of what I say". But thats not the words that leave my mouth.

[Jaded11]

For pwBPD, feelings are facts. My husband can be the same way. On good days he's clear, intelligent, benevolent, etc. but on bad ones he can twist and warp everything I say or do into an attack on his person. It's how he feels in the moment.

When he said those things to you... .he meant it and felt it at the time. The next day, he probably didn't.

@ColdEthyl,

thank you very much for your words. They totally reflect my reality too. Since you're in a marriage (that still is there), I may persume that somehow you have found a way to make it work also through his bad days. What's the secret? What's the coping strategy then?

I'm in agony to find out. I find myself often unable to make it through his darkness. I get encouraged by his "good days", that are EXTREMELY good, and then it's the VOID- emptiness, distance, hostility, irritation, statements that we maybe need to stop seeing each other altogether. These extremes don't fit each other, and I really don't want to reach the point to REALLY be fed up with him. So I wonder, how do people that are in long-term relationships make it work?

:'(

[ColdEthyl]

For pwBPD, feelings are facts. My husband can be the same way. On good days he's clear, intelligent, benevolent, etc. but on bad ones he can twist and warp everything I say or do into an attack on his person. It's how he feels in the moment.

When he said those things to you... .he meant it and felt it at the time. The next day, he probably didn't.

@ColdEthyl,

thank you very much for your words. They totally reflect my reality too. Since you're in a marriage (that still is there), I may persume that somehow you have found a way to make it work also through his bad days. What's the secret? What's the coping strategy then?

I'm in agony to find out. I find myself often unable to make it through his darkness. I get encouraged by his "good days", that are EXTREMELY good, and then it's the VOID- emptiness, distance, hostility, irritation, statements that we maybe need to stop seeing each other altogether. These extremes don't fit each other, and I really don't want to reach the point to REALLY be fed up with him. So I wonder, how do people that are in long-term relationships make it work?

:'(

For me, it's two things... .communication and depersonalization. The lessons here on this site have helped me tremendously in learning different ways to phrase things that do not put him on the defensive or make him feel invalidated. The other biggest milestone is not taking it personal... .because it's not.

I actually imagine myself stepping out of my body and focusing on listening to what he is saying to pick up clues on what's actually bothering him. You see... .any irritations, any anger they have gets transferred to the next activity. What I mean is, he might be pissed off and yelling that I didn't rinse a dish off, but actually what he is mad about is that we talked about this subject this morning, so he felt that I was ignoring his request. (in their anger, they will also think its on purpose) Invalidation.

The ranting is a given. I think they need that outlet to get all the vile stuff in them. But, he quit name calling. I did this by telling him when he started that if he was going to speak that way, I am going into another room and not listening for 15 minutes. If he's ready to talk then, we will. I haven't actually had to it... .the threatening or moving to the door has been enough. I will assume, though, there are some pwBPD a lot harder to crack than that. Be firm. Be loving and supportive, but be firm in your boundaries.


"emptiness, distance, hostility, irritation, statements that we maybe need to stop seeing each other altogether." I can't say for sure... .but I bet he's saying you guys should stop seeing each other because he's picking up on your vibes of unhappiness. It's a self-sabotage thing they do. I still get tripped up on that one from time to time.

My husband has quiet days, usually right after a really manic day. I accept those. I use that time to read, play video games, heck get a breather for myself.

This isn't easy. These relationships are not easy. I still have days where I want to pull my hair out or even better his. But, if you want to put the work in, you can get improvements.

[Jaded11]

For me, it's two things... .communication and depersonalization. The lessons here on this site have helped me tremendously in learning different ways to phrase things that do not put him on the defensive or make him feel invalidated. The other biggest milestone is not taking it personal... .because it's not.

I actually imagine myself stepping out of my body and focusing on listening to what he is saying to pick up clues on what's actually bothering him. You see... .any irritations, any anger they have gets transferred to the next activity. What I mean is, he might be pissed off and yelling that I didn't rinse a dish off, but actually what he is mad about is that we talked about this subject this morning, so he felt that I was ignoring his request. (in their anger, they will also think its on purpose) Invalidation.

The ranting is a given. I think they need that outlet to get all the vile stuff in them. But, he quit name calling. I did this by telling him when he started that if he was going to speak that way, I am going into another room and not listening for 15 minutes. If he's ready to talk then, we will. I haven't actually had to it... .the threatening or moving to the door has been enough. I will assume, though, there are some pwBPD a lot harder to crack than that. Be firm. Be loving and supportive, but be firm in your boundaries.


"emptiness, distance, hostility, irritation, statements that we maybe need to stop seeing each other altogether." I can't say for sure... .but I bet he's saying you guys should stop seeing each other because he's picking up on your vibes of unhappiness. It's a self-sabotage thing they do. I still get tripped up on that one from time to time.

My husband has quiet days, usually right after a really manic day. I accept those. I use that time to read, play video games, heck get a breather for myself.

This isn't easy. These relationships are not easy. I still have days where I want to pull my hair out or even better his. But, if you want to put the work in, you can get improvements.

@ColdEthyl,

once again a big warm grateful *THANK YOU* for your words  You don't know how much comfort you gave to me!

Communication and depersonalization you say... .Well the first one does occur, but he needs to be completely back into himself, connected, balanced- otherwise it's not possible. Depersonalization though... .I think I have accomplished this to some extent. Like when he's raging (freaking out), I choose to not take things personally. But oh how horribly tough are some of the things he says then. And they seem specifically targeted to me; they're like personal attacks. Aimed to me. So choosing to NOT hear these things, sometimes is incredibly painful and difficult.

About the limit/boundary you mentioned, thank you very much for this. I mean the 15mins timeout... .Up until now, it's just I'm actually *afraid* to set boundaries like this- like I feel unable to. I'm afraid, what if he says "ok, if you walk out,  then we're done". The ridiculous point in this is that I am a psychologist myself- yet I don't seem to be able to set some simple boundaries for myself with regards to my partner :'( I did manage to set some boundary by phone-right when I felt he was about to start ranting and violent raging, I told him I'm not up to this at all, so if he's going to do this then I prefer to hang up- which I did. This resulted to an apology message from him 10 minutes later... .

Now next target is to manage a boundary on real-time, face-to-face. Not just from the safety of the phone... .But it's just I'm afraid if I do walk away DURING a breakdown, maybe he won't reach out to me after- as if I'm abandoning him at his worst... .When I'm trying to create a safe haven with me, that he should feel safe around me, that I accept him fully for what he is... Sounds pathetic maybe, but does it make sense?

Uff. I just wish it wasn't so difficult...  

[ColdEthyl]

" I mean the 15mins timeout... .Up until now, it's just I'm actually *afraid* to set boundaries like this- like I feel unable to. I'm afraid, what if he says "ok, if you walk out,  then we're done". The ridiculous point in this is that I am a psychologist myself- yet I don't seem to be able to set some simple boundaries for myself with regards to my partner"

I am not a psychologist, but I am very interested in the field, and had I went to school instead of getting married at 18 and having children, I would have went into it. So, I understand "understanding" these concepts, but putting them into practice is a lot different. I was afraid, too. I was afraid he would do/say the same things. What it came down to for me is understanding he has abandonment issues, so he most likely even when he threatens it he won't go anywhere, but also if he DOES go or want to go... .as much as I love him and want him with me if he doesn't want to be there... .I don't want him to be there either. At some point you have to accept that YOU also deserve to be happy, YOU deserve to have someone that loves you. If he wants to leave just because you don't want to be verbally abused, he can't really love you anyway.


"But oh how horribly tough are some of the things he says then. And they seem specifically targeted to me; they're like personal attacks. Aimed to me. So choosing to NOT hear these things, sometimes is incredibly painful and difficult."

This is EXACTLY what his statements are designed to do. They are designed to hurt you, as much as he is hurting at the time. They are designed to make you feel bad, to feel apologetic, to take the blame on yourself so HE doesn't have to carry that bag.

I do not not give him that satisfaction any longer. I do not allow him to saddle me with his stuff. He has to learn to deal with his own stuff. If we keep being the whipping post, they will keep using it.

"Now next target is to manage a boundary on real-time, face-to-face. Not just from the safety of the phone... .But it's just I'm afraid if I do walk away DURING a breakdown, maybe he won't reach out to me after- as if I'm abandoning him at his worst... .When I'm trying to create a safe haven with me, that he should feel safe around me, that I accept him fully for what he is... Sounds pathetic maybe, but does it make sense?"

It does, and I was afraid of that before, too. But look at the example you set. If you say "I will be back in 15 minutes" and he doesn't believe you, but you come back... .you in essence are teaching him a little bit that you WILL be there. It's sort of similar to crate training a puppy. You leave them in the for small amounts of time and gradually increase it as they get more and more comfortable. In this case, each time you say you will come back and you do... .it helps him. He's going to be spitting mad, he's going to fuss and be mad. You can expect that. pwBPD HATE change, because they fear it.

I know you wish it wasn't so difficult, but it can get better. It truly can.