Did you feel wanted by your FOO?

[Lifewriter16]

Today, I sat in the coffee shop reading 'If you had controlling parents' by Dan Neuharth. I haven't got very far in - only as far as reading about the consequences of unhealthy parenting and the characteristic ways that people react to being over-controlled as children. As I read and wrote and reflected, I felt an uneasiness which was followed by a recognition that there was pain begin to bubble up to the surface. And that pain is this: I felt unwanted as a child.


I suspect that I didn't feel unwanted all the time, but I certainly felt that I wasn't wanted for who I was. I especially felt unwanted by my father which is strange because I felt more loved by him than by my mother. My mother wanted me, but it felt like an uneasy possession, a prison sentence on my part. Rather than her having a desire to know me or be around me, I felt wanted for her own purposes. I think that when I was very young, I did feel wanted by my father. I was about 11 years old when I first started to get the sense that I wasn't as wanted as I had thought I was. And it all started with a particular event:

My father and I were shopping together and I was looking at stationery. I saw something I really liked and asked if I might have it. It was a huge eraser with the following written on it: 'A big rubber for BIG mistakes'. I thought it was funny. So did Dad. But something in the way he laughed made me feel that I was the big mistake. I can't explain why I went from thinking he was on the same wavelength as me (a huge rubber for when I got my maths badly wrong) to thinking that he regretted ever having had me, but I did and I felt the joke was on me.

As an adult, I remember I once asked him for some guidance. I asked him: 'When do you know that you are ready to get married and have kids?' He replied: 'You never feel ready, it just happens... .' He sounded like a victim of unwanted circumstances. I felt like he was really saying that I'd come along but he didn't even want me. I suspect that in his alone moments, he regrets that he even got married... .but I have no evidence for my suspicion.

I remember as an adult, my mum saying to me: 'We wanted you... .(and had more kids on the strength of you being such a good baby, but unfortunately, the other two weren't like you or we would have thought twice about it)'. She was trying to reassure me that I was wanted, yet she put it in the past tense leaving room for the possibility that she changed her mind. I realise that I am probably being over sensitive here yet I can't help wondering if I was wanted until I came along, but not quite so wanted when I arrived. My mother had no idea how to coo over a baby, play with a baby, give eye contact or cuddles and kisses. She might have wanted a baby but I'm not sure she wanted me. I felt wanted in the same way that a child wants a toy desperately at one moment and yet will discard it without a thought, the minute another comes along. And I felt discarded by her when my brother was born.

This whole sense of feeling unwanted was exacerbated by the fact there were five in our family and my parents loved to play cards and other games that generally required four players. I would excuse myself from playing since there was one too many of us. Only once did anyone ever protest or try to persuaded me to join in. It seemed like it was a relief to them that I didn't want to play. Yet, it wasn't that I didn't want to play. It was because I felt I wasn't anywhere near as good as my brothers and I didn't want to be ridiculed. It would have been nice to play on a team with someone though, with my Dad perhaps, but that was never suggested. I spent hours alone in my room as a child. I became almost invisible. I felt that no one cared whether I was there or not. As a general rule, I felt very unwanted as a child.


My question to you if you are reading this, is:

Did you feel wanted in your FOO? If 'Yes', what helped you know that you were wanted. If 'No', what undermined your sense of being wanted?


Love Lifewriter x

[Michelle27]

I've been thinking a lot about this lately.  I believe now that my childhood is the reason I ended up in not one but 2 abusive marriages.  The first was physically abusive and controlling and the 2nd was with an uBPD. 

When I was about 3 years old and my sister was 18 months old, we were removed from our birth mother's care due to parental neglect.  From what I understand, we were going to be placed into separate foster homes and our mother's family put a lot of pressure on my uncle and his brand new wife to take us in.  My uncle was the oldest of 6, newly married and the only family members who could possibly care for 2 young kids.  We were eventually adopted by our aunt and uncle as our birth mother wasn't capable of taking care of us.  I have always sensed some resentments over that as my parents were never able to have their own kids and I know that they wanted to.  As the older sibling, I always felt like I was looked at to be perfect... .almost straight A's, a good kid, if a bit argumentative at times in my teens.  If I came home with a B on a report card, I was in trouble.  If my sister came home with a C+, she was congratulated.  The expectations were much higher for me although I do think sometimes that happens with the oldest sibling. 

Anyway, I believe that I have always felt those resentments from my FOO and carried the feeling of not being good enough into my relationships.  I'm a peacemaker and always have been.  To my own detriment because in my marriage to my uBPDh, I almost lost myself. 

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Michelle, nice to hear from you. I'm glad you posted.

I think many people feel compelled to recreate elements of our childhood struggles in our adult relationships without even realising that they are doing so. It reflects our inner drive for wholeness, even if it's gone somewhat askew.

I'd like to take just a minute to offer you and the child you once were, a big supportive hug. Perhaps you could give yourself one for me. 

Love Lifewriter

[Michelle27]

Thank you. :-)  This has been one of the most life changing experiences of my life, this journey of self discovery and healing from what turned out to be the most painful relationship of my life.  Yet, I am profoundly grateful for what I went through so I can heal all of these wounds that go back to my childhood. 

[purekalm]

No, I felt needed. As soon as I filled a need whether it be a sounding board, "savior" what have you, I was set aside and told to "stop sticking my nose in grown ups business and go be a kid and play". Yet, as soon as I was needed, I somehow wasn't a kid anymore.

I'm the second child, older sister, younger sister, younger brother. But, my older sister had depression and anxiety early and kind of dropped us all so to speak. She rarely if ever played with us. But, she was the oldest and had to be our parent when our actual parents wouldn't. I still remember the times she would make up stories for us to go to sleep while our parents were downstairs screaming at each other... .

I somehow adopted the oldest but not place.

I would say that is something I still struggle with. I don't feel anyone wants me around, they only need me to fill/fix something for them. I always feel like everyone feels obligated to spend time with me, talk to me, listen to me, because at the core I think that I sometimes feel like I only have worth if someone needs me. Just being me, the way I am, who could love that? Who would want that? :'( :'( I bounce back and forth, but one day I'll get there. 

[Lifewriter16]

Hi purekalm,

It is understandable that you feel this way because the pain from this wounds is deep and their effects pervasive, but thankfully these traumas can be healed from. The tragedy is often that we assume we can not be wanted for who we are but yet no one knows who we are including us. We assume we will be rejected if we allow ourselves to be real and assume that everyone will reject us, yet we look to people who can not see or appreciate others or be intimate with them for that validation, thus setting ourselves up unconsciously.

I hear that you are still struggling with this issue, but you are clearly on the journey that will bring emotional freedom and I want to applaud you for all the progress you are making. Well done. Give yourself a big hug from me.

Love Lifewriter 

[hergestridge]

When I was one year old I was put in a foster home and a few years later my foster parents adopted me. This was the home I grew up in.

There was an element of not feeling wanted at times. Naturally I was different from my parents and my brother (who was my parents biological child) both physically and personality-wise and this led to friction. I had a high need for integrity and my parents expressed their frustration over this as if there was something wrong with me when I didn't let them hug me or share my secrets with them. I guess they were hurt. They also had great expectations in me when it came to academia and career which I couldn't live up to. In short they did express disappointment in me.

My dad had mood swings and went through several bouts of mental illness (never had treatment) and I think my mother was stressed out as a result of this. My dad was the big baby, the one with the problem. I tried to keep contact with him and with my family after I moved away from home, but to no avail. He was so pre occupied with himself he barely listened when I told him what I was up to in my life or career wise.

When I met my BPDwife I disappeared into that relationship instead and stopped trying to please my dad.

As someone on this forum put it - I have spent awful lot of time in my life trying to get love from a stone.

Now I have an OK relationship with my parents, especially since I became a father myself. They seem to love me now and I wonder what kind of sh*t they went through when I was younger. Or what kind of state I was in that made me non receptive... .god knows... .

[Lifewriter16]

Hi hergestridge,

It sounds to me like you are saying you felt you didn't quite fit into your foster/adopted home because you were different to them, had different values and couldn't meet their expectations. That must have been difficult for you. It also sounds like you felt deprived of the kind of love and attention you needed as they communicated love differently.

Having a parent who has a mental illness causes emotional repercussions for the whole family, especially the children. It can leave a pervasive inner emptiness that we may try to fill through our adult relationships. There's no wonder that you found yourself a BPDw.

It sounds like your perspective on your childhood has been changing over the years. It takes a great deal of strength to review our childhood beliefs about whether we are loved and lovable. I'd like to applaud you for the changes you are making. 

Love Lifewriter  

[eeks]

My parents were married for 9 years before having children.  What I'm going to say here is all my mother's description of it, I am not close with my father so we've never talked about this, and I was too young to remember at the time.  My mother was going to leave my father, and then suddenly after that he wanted kids, when he hadn't wanted them before.  (My mother doesn't know for sure but thinks he did it to keep her, and that the same thing happened again a few years later, she was going to leave him and then they had my sister).  My father had said he didn't think he could parent boys, because he would abuse them the way he was abused.  It so happened that we were both girls.

When I was born, my mother was spending a lot of time with me, so my father would shout and slam doors.  (My mother says "he was upset that he was no longer 'the king'.)  When I was a year old, my mother got tired of it and told him to get out.  He did, for a few days, then came back and said he'd "change".  (I am not sure if he did.)

I think my mother wanted and loved me, but her own unhealed trauma caused deeply entrenched and unquestioned beliefs that the world (and especially emotional intimacy) is dangerous, and conflict is to be avoided, and so certainly by adolescence and perhaps on stressful occasions before then, she was not able to help me meet my normal developmental emotional needs.  It led to an expectation, however unintentional, that I should be just like her and be satisfied in life with her way of doing things and the things that made her happy (books, nature and pets) and not the dangerous and painful stuff (people).  So I'd say that she wanted a child, but maybe not the one she got?

My father was frustrated with any inconvenience I caused.  For example, apparently he used to shout at me and my sister when we were little, if we spilled a cup of water.  My mother says he was unpredictable, not reacting to a certain behaviour on one day and reacting to it the next.  So again, a misunderstanding of child development, and seemingly a misinterpretation of mistakes and struggles as a deliberate attempt to annoy or inconvenience him, or willful defiance.  

So, was I wanted?  To some degree, yes, and nurtured in some ways.  The task for me and for all of us though, I think, is to return to some sense of "wholeness", that is, self-acceptance.  And I don't think there's a set formula for that but I can say it takes time and effort.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi eeks,

Thanks for your post.

As I sat and read your comments, I got the impression that you were saying that you were wanted but that it was 'conditional'. Have you found that you have made adjustments to who you are to gain the acceptance of others? During your healing journey, what kinds of things have you done to improve your self-acceptance? Have you found that some things are more effective than others?

I was interested in what you said about your dad's reaction to your mum spending a lot of time with you. I've heard of men reacting in that way before but never experienced it. My father and my AS ex-husband seemed simply pleased to have respite from onerous demands.  My husband was very intolerant of my eldest daughter's developmental pattern as you describe your father was. This was particularly the case around meal times. I'm surprised she isn't anorexic as meal times were a battle ground. He has always had completely unrealistic expectations of her. He would sit and watch her just waiting for her to make a mistake that he could pick on. It was very unpleasant and rather intractable. It has caused a lot of ill feeling between them that he seems to be completely oblivious of.

Lifewriter x